To think that a 35 year old man setting his dating range to age 21+ is revolting?

[colachive]

DP friend is in the process of getting divorced. He is actively on the apps, as he hasn’t had sex with his ex wife for 5 years, is pretty desperate. My partner advised him to set his age range from 21 “if all you want is a shag”, and down to 26+ for a relationship.

AIBU to find this gross? 21 year old girls will think a 35 year old man is ancient, no? He seems to think that that’s an acceptable age gap. For context I’m 37.

@ArtTheClown I really don’t get the reasoning behind some of this comments saying that 21 year old are still young girls and that men are predatory to find them attractive or want to shag them. Would these people say it’s predatory for a 55 year old man to want to shag a 40 year old? What age is it acceptable?

@Youstolemygoddamnhouse exactly, there needs to be some sort of point where it's okay. Sixteen feels far to young to me, and eighteen still uncomfortable - but at some point you're an adult, and as there are no restrictions at all placed on you by law any longer at 21 (ie no longer needing parental permission to wed), that seems about right to me.

Ultimately, part of being an adult is making our own mistakes, too, as much as parents would I'm sure love to shield their children from that for the rest of their lives, if they could.

At 21 they are young women, not young girls.

Not quite 21 but I slept with a 23-year-old when I was 44, saw him on and off for a couple of years as FWB. I'm now 47, my new DP is 29.

What power imbalance?

There are all kinds of things that are "power imbalances" in a relationship. People in different levels at work, different wealth levels, more social or political power, different personalities.

And yet they have healthy relationships..

I agree. We're not talking about a teenager, or a boss/junior relationship. It's two otherwise unconnected adults deciding to go on a date.

goodness. I mean if you don’t get it you don’t get it but it’s fucking depressing

There is really nothing to get. It's absolutely fine and none of the OP's business if a 21 year old woman chooses to date and man of 35. I'll tell you what is depressing - this patronising notion that an adult woman can't make her own choices. But if you don't get it, you don't get it I suppose.

It seems like you don't really get it at 22 I was a fully qualified nurse in charge ( for shifts) of an acute mental health wards I was sometimes managing people both male and female alot older than me if I had dated one of my colleagues where would the power in balance be ?bearing in mind I was the one in charge?

Midwife here, I think that's actually an inappropriate level of responsibility to give someone who could only be quite newly qualified at that age. I know it happens, but I also happen to think that is partly why the health system has gone downhill and has always been patchy.

Secondly, I don't think intelligence or vocational competence makes up for the naivety and vulnerability that comes with young age. A child might have genius level Maths skills, but theyre still a 12 year old who needs a bedtime.

It was the 90,s mental health wards at the time only usually had one nurse in charge of a shift i mean actually physically on the ward two was rare so as soon as they had passed their preceptorship they were in charge which was about six months back in the day.
Things may have changed since I left 10 years ago but even then two qualified nurses per shift was a luxury

Secondly, I don't think intelligence or vocational competence makes up for the naivety and vulnerability that comes with young age. A child might have genius level Maths skills, but theyre still a 12 year old who needs a bedtime.

Oh, absolutely. But 21 isn't "young age", it's an adult.

Thats because we decided 18 is adulthood.

Lots of 21 years olds like older men. There was 17 years between my mum and dad when they met. My mum was 20. My dad and stepmum 23 year gap although she was 28 when they met.

Yes! Thank you. This exactly.

Exactly this.

How many 21 year olds want to date a middle aged nobody. Unless he's rich and famous he probably won't get that many serious takers.

@spanishcheese you make him sound about 50. It's actually 21 year old men that struggle to get dates because the women around their age are all usually dating older. But agree it's no one else's business and will be up to the women.

I remember being in a massive night club at seventeen I shouldnt even have been in a club then .

I got separated from my friend who was a year older.
I went to one of the numerous bars in the club and a man hitted on me almost right away.
He bought me a soft drink I was driving then and I wasnt daft enough to drink and drive.
He wanted me to go back to his flat in the city center.
I told him i have to be up tomorrow. His answer was he would be my alarm clock.
He was around 34 maybe 35.
He gave me a business card and said never mind we can always meet again.
I didnt meet him. The business card was a print of his warrant card he was a CID officer.
My god I dodged a bullet.
When my friend found me she was shocked when i told her what happened.
I still have that card.
I found him on facebook a few years ago wow.

At 14 you can have sex, get pregnant, have a baby, get married in some countries where opinions on ‘adulthood’ differ from the UK. Doesn’t mean anything. The brain is immature at 14, and at 21.

No because the brain reaches maturity around the age of 30, and 30 year olds are much more likely to have their lives sorted out and be less easily swayed by the opinions of older men. I would say that after the age of 30, age gaps are much less creepy.

This isn’t about ‘choosing a sexual partner’. It’s about men more than a decade older chasing younger women

so no-one under 30 should be employed in any role of any responsibility?

Let's start by telling all the nurses they are too immature to be left to deal with patients until they reach 30, shall we 😂

If a 21+ year old can't be trusted to date or have sex with whoever she wants, surely she cannot possibly be trusted with medical issues?

That's bad science.

The research that was done analysed the brains of young people and found that their brains continued developing into adulthood.

The study was then stopped at 26, so they never found out if the brain is EVER "fully developed."

A 21 year old might still make more bad/impulsive decisions than a 30 yo, but pretending that they aren't perfectly capable of making rational choices for their life is really disrespectful to them.

I thought it was 25 ( although apparently it's all nonsense anyway)

Imagine all the teachers ,nurses ,police officers ,Doctors etc under 30 saying no sorry I'm just to immature to treat,you ,arrest you,teach your child etc.