To think that a 35 year old man setting his dating range to age 21+ is revolting?

[colachive]

DP friend is in the process of getting divorced. He is actively on the apps, as he hasn’t had sex with his ex wife for 5 years, is pretty desperate. My partner advised him to set his age range from 21 “if all you want is a shag”, and down to 26+ for a relationship.

AIBU to find this gross? 21 year old girls will think a 35 year old man is ancient, no? He seems to think that that’s an acceptable age gap. For context I’m 37.

Too right! Only on mumsnet is 21 an adult that has to pay their way and get no support from parents AT ALL whilst simultaneously not being allowed to date who they want. Some people want it both ways and it's usually because they want to criticise men for something. I've always liked older men and that's not changed in 15 years since I was early 20s. If anyone thinks that's gross they can go do one, and I'd probably think their choice of partner was gross too.

Also is 35 really middle-aged now? I thought it was 40 at least before we started calling someone middle-aged. Just another way for posters to try and make a pretty innocuous age gap seem worse than it is. Calling a 21 year old a "girl" as well...

You’re saying “21 year olds are girls” 21 year olds are not girls, they are legally adult women. The same with “Young girls for a shag” young girls are classed as someone below 13. Language is important.

At 21 you can: join the army, go to war, get married without your parents consent, have finished university, get a mortgage, work, have sex, but only on mumsnet aren't you an adult with autonomy to date who you want.

The brain learns through doing. Everyone overprotectively cosseting their young people are going to ensure that they dont actually gain maturity abs experience.

If you look at the expectations on and abilities of many 16-25 year olds now vs a few decades ago, it's night and day for that reason.

If what you're into doing is something only your immediate peer group are also into then I dare say you're quite boring. I can't think of a single hobby or passion that's age-limited like that. If you're into music, art, books, hiking, history, politics, architecture, travel... the list is endless but if you meet people through those things you will meet all age groups.

And I'm in my 40s and I still "go out all the time". Sometimes even with friends in their 20s!

Lecherous behaviour would be if they're actually hitting on and harassing younger women. Simply being attracted to attractive adults is not lecherous in my book. Or am I lecher because I had a second glance at a 20-something man running with his top off yesterday...

Lots of posters have said the same. But it's not the same at all. If he wants children in the future a 46 yo woman is not going to be a sensible choice for him

But the important question is, does he reach the magical 6 foot threshold?

It’s about power imbalance!!!

@Emonade

But I don't think there is an innate power imbalance in all such relationships with those kinds of age gaps.

There certainly will be in some, but the relationships should be looked at in terms of the individual cases, rather than blanket generalisations being made about all of them - in my opinion.

There might be no power imbalance in some particular relationships between a 21-year-old and a 35-year-old. There will be a power imbalance in others. The specifics of the relationship, the personalities of the people involved (maturity levels, etc) and how the relationship is conducted should, I think, be taken into account to determine whether there is, in fact, a power imbalance.

My Dad was 37 when he met my 23-year-old mother - they started dating, got married, etc, etc. So just a couple of years older, on both ends, from a 21-year-old female and a 35-year-old male.

Would you have considered my parents' relationship as inappropriate at that time?

Of course it's gross, and especially gross that he said to set it younger if it's just for sex..🤮🤮🤮

People always bring their family in to manipulate the responses. People don't want to say, "yes, your dad was a creep and your mother missed out on being young by being involved with a man who'd already had his fun"

It's just a filter setting, FFS. He's not forcing anyone to meet up with him and have sex.

A 21 year old is a consenting adult, if they want to shag someone who is 35 that's entirely their decision to make.

Let's stop with the "oh, but a 21 year old woman can't possibly be trusted to make a choice over what they consent to" misogyny, eh.

Exactly people are forgetting it works both ways
And the 21 has to choose to go on a date with the 35 year-old

It’s about power imbalance!!!

People say that, but i dont necessarily agree, unless he was her lecturer or boss or something.

Also younger people often have the power balance in their favour anyway, as youth and attractiveness are a strong currency.

@OneLoyalCyanGuide

Well, I think it's a legitimate question. My Dad was 37 and my mother 23 when they got together (in 1985.) I'm giving it as an example of an acceptable, appropriate relationship with a similar age gap - it's to show that not ALL such relationships are problematic, because in my family's experience, my parents' relationship certainly wasn't.

Would you honestly see my Dad being a creep? For that?

My parents met each other and fell in love, it's as simple as that. Both had been married previously. They married each other in 1987 and the marriage lasted until Dad passed away in 2016. I don't see how this was an inappropriate relationship in the slightest.

So would you say the same thing to a 45 year old shagging a 60 year old? A 30 year old and a 45 year old? And what age and age gap does it stop?

Surely it would depend on many factors? A 21 year old could easily have a good job, be successful and earn lots of money, own house/car and have a strong mind and personality? Whilst a 35 year old could be the opposite? So where is the power imbalance? Most importantly what are the factors to suggest a power imbalance?

How dare someone at 35 like the same things as a 21 year old. How dare they go out all the time and stuff 😂😂

That’s fine you can think that. But plenty of 21 year olds are married, have children, own homes/cars and professional jobs at that age. When do you think of women bring adults then? 22?

I was married and having kids at 23 to a 33 year old, I’m not saying at that age I didn’t think I was full grown, just at this age and having daughters now I see 21 year olds as so young and children like, it feels predatory to me to think of wanting to take advantage of someone so young, it’s no offence to people in their early 20s I just think real men aren’t trying to prey on young women , they're mature and looking for someone their own age range. The men I was raised around would never be looking at women that much younger than them. The fact these guys are talking about women like theyre pieces of meat shows the type they are and it’s just pathetic to me. It’s nothing against women in their early 20s, I once was too, I just like men acting appropriately I guess.

Surely everyone on earth has different life experiences? Someone at 35 could have lived a very sheltered life and a 21 year old could be the opposite, surely you can understand that is a possibility?

Why can’t a 35 year old be into the same things as a 21 year old? What the reasons? Does that also mean a 21 year old shouldn’t be into the same things a 35 year old is in to? Again why can’t a 35 year old go out all the time and stuff? If they are single then what exactly should they be doing. It seems like you want anyone who is 35 years old or over to live a boring life. Projecting?

How old were you when you were engaged then married? Because 23 is only two years older than 21. Is your husband the same age as you?

Are you also worried about 35 year old predatory women wanting to take advantage of 21 year old boys? Do you view 21 year old men as so young and childlike or does that apply to only women? What is a real man though? The legal definition of a real man is someone who is 18 and male.

How do you know the men you were raised around would not view younger women in a sexualised way? Would they honestly tell you that they found a 21 year old women attractive? You can’t say they would never look as you can’t prove that. There is no way to prove that, well maybe a lie defector test but you can’t say they would never do that.

How should men act appropriately?

Creepy.

I remember dating a guy of 36 at that age, thought he was so cool. Now as an older person (well 42 lol) and more experience behind me I'd look at him as a right old creepy loser. The oldest swinger in town who can't get a woman his own age because he's too immature and they can see through his bullshit.

So here we are back to infantalising, young women
Who can't make up.their own minds about who they want to date.

it feels predatory to me to think of wanting to take advantage of someone so young

But the majority of the intentions won't be predatory, it will just be two people who like each other. I am struggling to see where the advantage-taking comes into play.

I personally wasn't into older guys when I was 21, with the very odd exception if they were exceptionally cool and gorgeous. And therefore I just didn't go out with them - easy.
The 30-something goth club owner I shagged was great fun and I didn't feel taken advantage of at all, we became quite good mates after that.