To think that a 35 year old man setting his dating range to age 21+ is revolting?

[colachive]

DP friend is in the process of getting divorced. He is actively on the apps, as he hasn’t had sex with his ex wife for 5 years, is pretty desperate. My partner advised him to set his age range from 21 “if all you want is a shag”, and down to 26+ for a relationship.

AIBU to find this gross? 21 year old girls will think a 35 year old man is ancient, no? He seems to think that that’s an acceptable age gap. For context I’m 37.

be clear I am annoyed at my DP and his friend for being lecherous middle aged men, and it gives me the ick.

You have years of being actually middle aged ahead of you. Stop playing at it now and enjoy being young.

My mum.was too to.take to work an a busy acute psychiatric ward where I was a staff nurse I was 22.

I’m 36 I have daughters and think 21 is still a child.

A friend of mine who is early 70s has been looking on dating sites (still young at heart) and most men 75-90 have set their preferred age to 40-60, which is also pretty grim and I imagine they are delusional. Men just always look for younger women.

The problem is the idea that the brain is finished at this 25 year old point. It's not, it continues to change. Changes before and after this 25 year mark are driven largely by experience.

Which is why people arguing that under 25s should be protected from making bad decisions because they are not mature is completely ass backwards.

Of course some 50 year olds are stupid and a given 30 year old might make a better decision, but that's not a scientific comparison. But individuals will, barring unusual things intervening like brain injury or disease, be able to draw on more experiences and more complex patterns in their thinking at 50 than 30 which will inform their decisions. And that is also true of 50 year olds as a group compared to 30 year olds as a group.

It’s worrying why your partner thinks anyone under 26 isn’t relationship worthy only a shag, let’s hope his mate is a bit more decent and at least lets them know upfront what he’s looking for. Maturity isn’t always a number.

Also, some 21-year-olds don’t want to be going out all the time. Lots of Mumsnetters seem to have the idea that people are “supposed” to spend their early twenties partying and drinking and dating/sleeping with lots of different people, but that doesn’t appeal to everyone. I’m very introverted, with sensory issues, and that’s always sounded awful to me.

Well judging from the number of threads I’ve read on here where an age gap couple is having issues - many times it’s a woman in her early 20s and a male anywhere from mid 30-early 40s, so I don’t think every 21 year old would find that age range gross! Especially if they were handsome etc!

You can THINK 21 is still a child, but you know it's not, right?

I mean, I'm 46. Maybe I think 36 is still a child and you're far too young to have daughters.

It's an opinion. But it's obviously factually incorrect, just as thinking 21 is still a child is also factually incorrect.

It's a bit of an odd comment isn't it. People enjoy a lot of different things.

When I was 23 I dated a man who was 46. He was a nice man and quite good looking, and we worked in related areas. Apart from talking about work stuff, we used to like driving out into the country to eat in little pubs, and watching movies. Eventually I decided I wanted a family, which he didn't, so we split up, but it was a nice relationship.

My current partner is about 13 years older than me, I'm middle aged and I suppose he is getting on to being old. We like driving out into the countryside to look at antiques, going to museums, walking, and watching movies.

My interests really haven't changed much I guess. And I have a fair number of younger and older friends who share them.

Well my DH is 13 years older than me, we met when I was 23 and he was 37. Been married 26 years so it can work!

I was a qualified nurse at 22 I didn't go from playing with dollies,to managing a shift in an acute psychiatric ward in one year
21really isn't a child and my friend qualified along side me at 21
You may of course know some really immature 21 year olds

When I was 35, I was going out clubbing. My friends ages ranged from early 20s to 50s and 60s. I still go out clubbing now (not as often).

You like what you like. I'm not ready for a nice cup of cocoa and box set just yet.

When I was 35, I was going out clubbing. My friends ages ranged from early 20s to 50s and 60s. I still go out clubbing now (not as often).

Same, it had a very clubby early/mid 30s. Alternative scene so it's a good age range spread and no meat market vibes.

I don’t think you’re understanding me. I agree with you. I don’t believe that at 25 your brain just stops developing. So I don’t really see your issue?

What evidence do you have to say a 50 year old has more insight and can make better decisions than someone younger? You’re also talking about two different things here when discussing drawing from experiences and more complex patterns of thinking. Surely it depends on the individual? Of course a 50 year old is going to be able to draw more experience as they have 20 years more life experience on the planet. You can’t compare the two. Two 50 year olds are not going to have the same patterns of thinking or experience either. I work in healthcare and if anything people become more stupid when making decisions, if even they become more closed minded

It should’ve said maturity! Was breastfeeding and typing one handed

@BatchCookBabe

I think the point @Butchyrestingface was making still stands, though - if a 21-year-old woman is not interested in men her own age and is attracted to men in their thirties (or even older!) - what, in your ideal world, is supposed to happen?

Presumably you think that the older men should reject sex/a relationship (even though it's legal.) But that would mean the 21-year-old female would essentially have a sexless life until she got to an age that you considered acceptable.

I think the agency and autonomy of women does need to be respected; 21-year-olds are young women, yes, but they are not a monolith - there is variation among them. Some are quite mature for their age, whereas others may be immature, naive and somewhat vulnerable.

A 35-year-old man might be too old for some specific 21-year-olds, but 35-year-old men are not too old for other 21-year-olds. It's not an established fact that 35 is universally too old for all 21-year-olds.

I've found significantly older men attractive from a young age and could well have seen myself happily dating a 35-year-old man when I was that age.

And my Dad was 37 when he started dating my 23-year-old mother - same age gap, just a couple of years older on either end.

Which is why people arguing that under 25s should be protected from making bad decisions because they are not mature is completely ass backwards. Of course some 50 year olds are stupid and a given 30 year old might make a better decision, but that's not a scientific comparison. But individuals will, barring unusual things intervening like brain injury or disease, be able to draw on more experiences and more complex patterns in their thinking at 50 than 30 which will inform their decisions. And that is also true of 50 year olds as a group compared to 30 year olds as a group

You are talking about two completely different things here.

One is physical maturation of the brain concerning things such as myelination, dendritic trimming, prefrontal cortex etc. It’s well established that this maturation takes until mid-20’s. Basically, there are periods where the brain is ‘remodelled’ and there is a physical kick off for that at different points, mainly based on, but not limited to, hormonal changes at key points in childhood development and puberty. While many studies have pin-pointed mid-20’s as end point, some indicate potentially late 20’s, however I’d think it more likely that, like any bell curve, the majority would be mid 20’s and late 20’s would represent the tail of the curve.

The second is what we would typically refer to as ‘wisdom’. This is where our brains hold our experiences and learnings and the ability to put these together over time for better outcomes. The more experiences and learnings we have the more ‘wisdom’ we grow during our lives. Completely different to physical brain maturation though, which is the main cause of impulsivity/poor decision making/risk taking behaviours, especially in young men, leading to adverse outcomes. Essentially why the majority of people you come across with broken necks after jumping off cliffs into shallow water or car accidents from driving recklessly are young guys.

My exH is 10 years older than me and we married at 28 and 38. He had the money and life experience to woo me and I was attracted to his success (mid-earner, but interesting and sexy creative career). My current beau is 5 years younger than me. I think I’ve been attracted up to 15 years older since I was in my late teens. I was always old for my age and men my own age weren’t interesting enough for me.

Ironically, men my age now (early to mid 40s) bore the arse off me because many of them have already given up on life and just want to stay home and watch TV in the evenings!

Interestingly, my DM and my DGM married men who were 6 and 8 years younger than them respectively, which was unusual in the 1970s and 1950s.

The post I was responding to was claiming that a 21 woman year old shouldn't date an older man, because the brain hasn't finished developing yet. It's a fairly common argument in certain threads where people are trying to say that people in their early twenties or even late teens can't be expected to make serious decisions or have real responsibilities.

The problem is it's fairly arbitrary. Why 25? Many women will be much better at spotting bad men at 35, or 45, or even into old age, compared to when they are younger.

Agree with this

It’s certainly not revolting

On site such as POF the max you can set your age range is 14 years younger (35>21), so chances are he'd set it younger if possible.

Wisdom isn't something that happens independently from brain changes. They might not be as fast, or the same kind, as what you see in younger people, but the brain does continue to change throughout life.

It's interesting to think about where people typically have peak performance at the top of certain fields. The greatest mathematicians, for example, have often done their peak work before 40. On the other hand, historians and others who depend on different kinds of thinking that rely typically reach their peak much later, when the capacity for that type of thought has developed, and the ability to perceive relationships between what initially seem like disparate things.

Some types of thinking have actually already peaked by 25.