Am I misreading tone?

[ThePerkyCoralPoet]

Therapist of a year that I visit regularly asks for deposits pre appt. Very normal. I rarely mess with anyone’s money so I send it.

My bank is frozen out due to 3 fraudulent transactions so I can’t pay anyone. I booked my slot she said “please pay deposit via the link” i said “sorry Sandra my bank is frozen at the moment. Please could you remind me again in a couple of days and I will transfer you the money straight away.” Her response was “Hope nothing serious x

Would you mind setting a reminder for yourself please and message me once done so that I can confirm receipt 😊💜
Thank you”

I just read that as unnecessarily difficult. I run a business tutoring and I’ll remind clients. It’s no issue. I just think it was really standoffish for no reason. It upsets me because I’m a regular client and appreciate the therapy get.

Her tone is more than fine, it's very gentle considering she'll be paid late AND you asked her to remind her to pay her what you owe her. She's trodden a fine line of holding a very reasonable boundary while still sounding friendly.
Take accountability, set a reminder, don't infantasise yourself by asking her to act like a parent.

If she sent you a reminder in a few days and your banking issue is not resolved you have to go through this all again. If you take responsibility for your own difficulties then you set a reminder for yourself. If your account is sorted then you pay the deposit, if not you set another reminder for a couple of days later. Why should your therapist have to chase you repeatedly? She could just say you don't have an appointment booked until you pay the deposit.

Christ, I've never seen a poll so close to being a unanimous AIBU!

You have a phone OP. It has a calender function that you can add reminders to. It's your job to remember to pay your bills, not your therapists.

Let's suppose for a minute that someone could actually behave and think like this. Yes - you're misreading tone. Extraordinary attitude and thought process from you, OP.

Why should she have to remind you? Set a reminder for yourself. Paying her is your responsibility, not hers.

Most services require payment and it's up to you to remember. If she sets up an automated reminder service, she'll have an increased cost and then she'll have to put her fees up.

Therapists are for helping you become a functional, healthy human. Be one. Set your own reminder for anything you need to do and stop expecting the world to remind you to carry out your responsibilities.

How odd, but in answer to your op, yes I think you’ve misread her tone. She sounds incredibly patient.

Put a reminder on your phone. It takes seconds.

It's pretty entitled to expect someone else to remind you when it's your bank and your personal organization skills that are the issue.

FWIW I'm also a tutor, and if my clients did this it would really irritate me as it would add to my admin list and my mental load. I've sacked clients who repeatedly acted like this as it caused me stress.

Take responsibility for making the payment on time.

It’s great to have the opportunity to get these insights about yourself to discuss in therapy. I expect if you talk with her about it, you will find that there are other areas in your life or relationships you have, or times in the past where you feel or have felt resentful that someone hasn’t taken responsibility from your shoulders. Looking at that might be quite fruitful. And don’t feel bad about it or annoyed that it has come up - that’s how therapy works.

I honestly don't understand how you can send reminders to the clients of your own business about payments but you can't set up a reminder for yourself to pay the deposit once your bank account has been unfrozen. You could put it in your calendar/diary or even put a note on your fridge.

Your therapist was understanding about the late payment of the deposit, but it isn't her responsibility to remind you in a few days. You have said that you can't possibly remember to do this, but you are someone that runs a successful tutoring business? This doesn't make sense.

This just means that her boundaries are better than yours.

That's probably hot a lot to do with her being a therapist and you being in therapy, tbh.

Not a dig but I find it interesting that this has made you question her system rather than your own.

In the time you spent writing this post you could have set up 11 reminders to pay her.

Nothing wrong with her tone at all, but looking at your posts it's not actually her tone you're complaining about, it's the content that she isn't going to remind you. Which there is also nothing wrong with. At least she is clear about it.

I hope that you will use the responses you got to your question in your therapy @ThePerkyCoralPoet. There was nothing in her "tone" that wasn't nice- she even put some emojis in to make sure you didn't take it the wrong way. And yet you did.. reflect on that.
Do you have a history of paranoïa where you think people aren't treating you the way they should ? Do you think others are responsible for you paying your bills on time? Tell your therapist about your reaction- this can be a real learning moment for you if you acknowledge that your perception of things might be skewed due to thinking patterns/life history.

Start writing things down on a calendar ffs! Or set a reminder on your phone!

It is NOBODY ELSES JOB to remind you to adult.

I actually can’t believe you asked her to remind you to pay her because YOU were unable to pay when you should have. That is unbelievably rude.

Your bad memory is your problem - find solutions that work which don’t inconvenience others. 🤦‍♀️

I think she's asking you to remember to pay because that's her professional boundary. It's sticking to the system she has in place. Its a professional relationship and the form is you book you pay. If she changed that for you it would be blurring that boundary. She's not your friend and able to accommodate your bank difficulties. I don't think the tone is off, it seems professional to me.

So in the time it's taken you to come on here and moan that she isn't going to do the mental load and remind you to pay....have you actually set yourself a reminder yet op?

Do u have adhd? Just wondering if your mind struggles with things like this?

automated systems cost money so why should she have to pay for that! I also run my own business and have enough going on in my life that I would refuse to baby you too!

good luck!

I'm assuming the 2% who said YANBU slipped with their finger when scrolling, because it seems pretty unanimous here that you're the unreasonable one. Your therapist also runs a business and it's not her responsibility to chase you up for payment. It takes seconds to put a reminder in your phone. The therapist's message is fine and so is the tone. You're just very entitled. The problem is yours. Own it.

She has sent you a reminder. Imagine if every time you sent a client a reminder they replied with “can you remind me again please”. Where’s the line? At what point are you responsible for meeting your obligations?

Oh for goodness sake I asked her to send a reminder regarding payment so that I don’t forget. Stop saying it’s infantilising I didn’t. Ask her to remind me to eat breakfast. Goodness me.

Why did you bother posting if you weren't going to accept the answers?

Everyone is telling you it's unreasonable to ask this of her. Everyone. Listen.

She's not your PA!

You sound very difficult, first you expect her to remind you (why should she? You're the one paying late) and then blaming her outdated system.

Her system works fine, it's your bank that's the issue.

Do you generally have a problem with people and boundaries, and that's why you're in therapy?

Her tone is friendly and professional.

And neither do I see her as a friend. I don’t think it’s that huge. She’s not coming to do my lawn for free. It’s a reminder. And personally I too run a business and if a client hasn’t paid. They’re getting another reminder. Or the service and appt is cancelled. It’s a very over dramatic response.

Why can't you set a reminder in your calendar so it pops up? You're an adult with a professional job, you can manage your own to-do list.