Am I misreading tone?

[ThePerkyCoralPoet]

Therapist of a year that I visit regularly asks for deposits pre appt. Very normal. I rarely mess with anyone’s money so I send it.

My bank is frozen out due to 3 fraudulent transactions so I can’t pay anyone. I booked my slot she said “please pay deposit via the link” i said “sorry Sandra my bank is frozen at the moment. Please could you remind me again in a couple of days and I will transfer you the money straight away.” Her response was “Hope nothing serious x

Would you mind setting a reminder for yourself please and message me once done so that I can confirm receipt 😊💜
Thank you”

I just read that as unnecessarily difficult. I run a business tutoring and I’ll remind clients. It’s no issue. I just think it was really standoffish for no reason. It upsets me because I’m a regular client and appreciate the therapy get.

God forbid a working woman needs a reminder.

Yeah🤪🤪🤪

Hahaha I must’ve meant chances. Clearly lost my marbles trying to dig through the comments.

Sorry op I think you were in the wrong on this one - and it’s making it worse that you don’t seem able to accept that.

If you are behind it’s your responsibility to remember to catch up, she might feel awkward about hounding clients herself, especially as some may be quite fragile.

Her message was perfectly civil and perfectly reasonable. She doesn’t have to operate her invoicing the same way you do.

God forbid a working woman owns a phone that you can set a reminder on.

God forbid a grown adult takes responsibility for themselves- perish the thought

I used to see a therapist and we had a huge fall out over a money issue and I never went back. Of course this was a classic patient-therapist scenario and me playing out how I handled conflict with my mother ie by running away rather than confronting the therapist. I understood this at one level but I couldn't go back. Any way, my partner had just been made redundant and I was looking to end things - again my issues meant I hadn't felt able to tell her!!

God forbid a working woman can't set her OWN reminder and relies on another working woman to do it for her!

Who is going to remind her to remind you? Or maybe she could ask you to remind her to remind you..? 🤔

What's being a working woman got to do with the price of eggs?

I work. I also remember to pay my own bills.

God forbid a working woman isn’t responsible for managing someone else.

Is your therapist not also a "working woman"?

You are giving all other working women a bad name.

This thread is batshit - honestly the OP still refusing to accept she’s being ridiculous and taken to just insulting people who disagree with her which to be fair is a pretty long list.

I reckon the OP could start an argument in an empty room

Agree.

Im not sure what she’s wanting from this new.

She should just go and set a reminder on her phone …

Assuming you have a fiver left in the bank, this might be a useful investment for you…

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people-in-the-digital-age-book-dale-carnegie-training-9780857207289

Great thread, thanks for starting it. Obviously a pisstake.

you feel like you struggle to feel safe in their space. That’s all it was for me. It’s a small ask. But the passive aggressive tone just irked me. I always make my payments on time. I just asked her so I wouldn’t forget as I’m adhd and forget everything and work is 24/7 hectic as I’m juggling so much. She even knows this. But then finding a therapist is hard too. I also once told her I was running late and in traffic and I would try and be there within 10 mins but may not happen. She said can you get here by x time. I said no sorry traffic is bumper to bumper can’t move any faster. She then said I’m not asking you to fly here am I!!!

Truthfully, since then it just felt like I go just to vent and feel better. But deep down I don’t feel like I could trust her as a safe space and annoyingly she told me how that exchange upset her? I could never make sense of it since.

You seem to have difficulty understanding what people are saying to you @ThePerkyCoralPoet. You have been told so many times that she was not passive aggressive and further, that your request was not reasonable. When someone is late, asking if they can make it by X time is completely normal, she was just looking for an estimate and yet again you swung into arrogant rude responses. I really hope you don't speak with friends and work colleagues like this, because you will cause yourself serious problems if you do.

Worth mulling over why you got a counsellor to start with, and what you were hoping for. Usually people get counselling to try to change aspects of their responses to life. If you don't want to do that, then it's a waste of time really. Perhaps you simply aren't ready for counselling, some people seem to need to really blow up their lives before they are ready to take on other opinions. Risky, but your life.

@ThePerkyCoralPoet

Do you feel like you need reasons for why you forget things?

I just asked her so I wouldn’t forget as I’m adhd and forget everything and work is 24/7 hectic as I’m juggling so much

This is just an excuse for not taking responsibility. Lots of people are ADHD. My DH is and he has a really responsible job. He takes responsibility for his ADHD because it's part of him and it's his life and his job to manage it.

If it's something that only affects him, he puts it in his calendar, either phone or work (or both) depending on what it impacts. If it impacts the family in anyway such as nursery pick up or me having to make sure I'm around on a weekend cos he has to go to work or whatever, he still does his calendar/reminder but also puts it on the family calendar in the kitchen AND makes sure he tells me straight away before he forgets (cos, ADHD) so I can block out my calendar if needs be.

ADHD isn't an excuse not to be responsible. It's just something you need to learn to manage, like many, many other people.

Well said @GRex I have ADHD and I've learnt to write lists, set alarms and leave myself post it notes. That's because I'm an adult. I'm also a working woman and have learnt to set boundaries on what is my responsibility and what is someone else's.

Maybe time for a new therapist @ThePerkyCoralPoet and you could make that your target.

The therapist was and is correct: if you need a reminder then you can set a reminder for yourself. There are many ways to do that - you can add it to your diary, add an alarm to your phone etc. It's not the therapist's job to remind you to pay something when they have already asked you for payment, and you yourself have already acknowledged that the problem here is that your bank account is frozen. That's not the therapist's problem, and you were incorrect to tell them to send you a reminder. That's your responsibility and it's a very easy thing for you to do.

Part of a therapist's job is to help people understand healthy boundaries, and not to enable improper/disrespectful behaviours. You shouldn't have asked the therapist to send you a reminder when you were perfectly able to remind yourself in a variety of ways.

Seems that your "tone" question is more a case of you being a bit embarrassed that you should have set the reminder for yourself in the first place. Again: if you need a reminder to do something then set the reminder yourself on your calendar/phone/piece of paper on your fridge - whatever it is you do to remind yourself to do something.

You already got a reminder!! And you can remind yourself! Using the fact that you are a "working woman" as an excuse really is boorish behaviour. Take responsibility for your actions and set yourself a reminder. It's easier than ever to do that these days! You could have just picked up your phone and told Siri (or whatever voice assistant you have on said phone) to add a reminder to your calendar! Along with an alert/repeating reminder. You are an adult: it's your responsibility to be organised and to pay bills etc on time. It's fine to need a reminder, it's NOT fine to expect other people to do that work for you when you can do it yourself.

OP. Here's your reminder to pay your therapist and also to discuss why you can't remind yourself, as a fully grown adult to do this. You should also focus on why you can't accept when you are in the wrong.

Maybe op the real issue here is not the tone of her message but more that you just aren’t feeling comfortable with her as a therapist and are looking to justify that.

It’s a vulnerable position to be in putting yourself in the hands of another to bare your innermost feelings.

It’s fine to not feel comfortable with her.

But none of us see the problem with that particular exchange and continuing to not accept that isn’t helping.

It may be she’s just the wrong counsellor for you. You are allowed to feel that without haranguing us all into saying her message was off.

But the passive aggressive tone just irked me
You need to change therapist, and the sooner the better @ThePerkyCoralPoet. The fact that after all the HUNDREDS of posts telling you there was nothing wrong with the tone of the message, and that the therapist was setting good boundaries, you still call it a PA message is not a good sign. You don't like, or even trust, this woman. Go find someone else to make up shit about.

Her tone is very friendly. More friendly than I would've been. You should be arranging payment of your own bills, not asking the recipient to remind you.
Maybe you're misreading the tone because deep down you realise you are the one in the wrong.