If you saw a bridesmaid crying ugly tears (not necessarily happy) what would you think?

[Friko]

So I’m really worried that I am going to look like I am crying sad tears when my sister gets married. And it may look like I don’t approve. I’m not upset at her choice. I’m glad she’s found someone who has made her happy. The wedding is only a month away and I’m getting nervous!

anytime I think about her actual wedding ceremony I get very emotional and sentimental.

We have had a very tough time. My mum was diagnosed with cancer so our childhood and 20s have NOT been carefree. Mums cancer has returned 7 times. Each time one of us had to move in. And we’ve had to help out with finances. We have an amazing light/fun friendship despite it all.

It’s just the end of a chapter. I was always hoping we could share that carefree experience as single, unmarried people but it wasn’t to be. I now it’s going to happen in the next stage in our life. But it’s just sad that this chapter is closing and we never got to right any of the wrongs of you know? Our adolescence is kind of done in a way.

Time as single, carefree girls just slipped away from us. And we never really got to share the fun of that. It’s been hard.

Honestly? I'd think the one crying ugly-type tears was attention seeking and feel sorry for the bride.

I think your dsis will understand and that’s all that matters.
Perhaps warn her though beforehand that you may become emotional.

I mean I’ll do my best not to!

Yes this. My mum did this at my wedding and looked like she was at a funeral at most of the photos. Don’t do it. Surely you have enough self control for a day. Cry at home

Happy tears are usually pretty obviously different from unhappy tears.

Maybe try to find a time a bit before the wedding (like weeks before) when you explain this to your sister and have your cry then?

I know it doesn’t guarantee no crying on the day but hopefully may help and at least your sister will know what it’s about.

This is quite an odd take on your sisters wedding, can I kindly suggest some therapy?
getting married is not the end of fun and what possible difference does your relationship with your sister have between her being in a long term relationship and being married. It’s totally separate to the horrible stuff that’s happened with your Mum x

They’re not sad tears they’re sentimental. We never had the weekend breaks, nights out etc like we had planned. We always had to be with my mum. Which is fine. But we didn’t get to experience life in a way we had hoped - carefree and single. It won’t happen now. Which is fine you can play with the hand you are given.

It’s just a regret. I don’t blame anyone. Just it’s sad this chapter has been hard and we didn’t get to put it right.

It's odd that as an adult you feel you can't control yourself?

A few welling-up proud tears are normal, but ugly crying would be daft.

Don't be that person.

She’s just getting married, OP, not emigrating to another galaxy. Nothing in her life or your relationship is going to change unless she’s never lived with the guy she’s marrying, surely

I mean, we got married with two witnesses because neither of us could face organising a wedding, and because a whole lot of major life events were going on, we didn’t tell anyone for years. Now we’ve been married 13 years and friends are still going ‘What? I never knew you got married! When was this?’ We’re the same people. So will your sister be.

And if it’s a matter that you think you’ll be stuck looking after your mum because you’re single, that’s something to have a serious conversation about.

My Mum is a big cryer when it comes to sentimental things. She would probably cry if she saw a strangers wedding. It’s not unusual to cry at weddings.
Can you take a pair of stylish sunglasses.?

Some people cry pretty, some people not. I would assume tears from the wedding party were positive tears. Even if they looked otherwise. But that may just be me.

I don’t understand why you think your sister will be more or less carefree just because she got married. Is she planning to have children immediately or something? If you want single people to hang around with, make some new friends?

Because she’s chosen to move ahead with her partner of choice?
Perfectly valid way to go.
Is your issue that you feel left behind in some way?

What a really strange way to look at it.

You're making it all about you and your feelings; just be happy for your sister.

Not at all!

I guess a coping mechanism whilst we sacrificed our 20s was we’ll do x, y and z when mum is better. It just never happened. I mean we can once my mum gets better. But we never went on a single weekend break as carefree, single sisters in their 20s. It would have been nice. It will happen but just look different.

I know this doesn't help really but at Pakistani weddings I have been to there is a ritual that, to my understanding, seems a bit like mourning at the end, where the bride and her female relatives and friends cry and hug together (under a cover ) this maybe is a healthy way to acknowledge it's the end of one life stage leading to the start of another.

Could you speak to your sister about how emotional it's making you feel. Try to process some of the emotions before the big day ?

But you have a light, happy, fun relationship anyway. Focus on that reality, not some Disney idea of carefree single sisters.

I think you can probably reframe this so that it won’t affect you during the wedding.
Your view of marriage is quite old-fashioned. Since people live together first and because contraception exists it’s not the big transition it once was.

I’m sorry your family has had such a hard time of it but try look at the wedding as a time to celebrate instead of feeling sad about it . She’s getting married, that doesn’t stop you from having nights out, weekends away, doing what you would like to do with each other!

She wanted to spend her life with someone so you need to focus on the positive side!

I’d think she was a twat who wanted attention.

This is very unfair. Have you never felt incredibly upset before? If it was easy enough to just not cry, nobody would ever do it.

I'm sorry life didn't turn out how you had hoped. It sucks & you have every right to feel cheated.

However, perhaps your Sister sees it differently. Please don't project your feelings onto her, especially on her wedding day by making it about you.

That would be very selfish.

You’re turning this into all about you. Please don’t.