If you saw a bridesmaid crying ugly tears (not necessarily happy) what would you think?

[Friko]

So I’m really worried that I am going to look like I am crying sad tears when my sister gets married. And it may look like I don’t approve. I’m not upset at her choice. I’m glad she’s found someone who has made her happy. The wedding is only a month away and I’m getting nervous!

anytime I think about her actual wedding ceremony I get very emotional and sentimental.

We have had a very tough time. My mum was diagnosed with cancer so our childhood and 20s have NOT been carefree. Mums cancer has returned 7 times. Each time one of us had to move in. And we’ve had to help out with finances. We have an amazing light/fun friendship despite it all.

It’s just the end of a chapter. I was always hoping we could share that carefree experience as single, unmarried people but it wasn’t to be. I now it’s going to happen in the next stage in our life. But it’s just sad that this chapter is closing and we never got to right any of the wrongs of you know? Our adolescence is kind of done in a way.

Don’t spend time crying. Tell yourself this is one of the most special days in your sisters life, if not the happiest. Celebrate this day with her, for her. Whilst you are in tears you will miss those rare special moments that you will be able to recapture and reminisce with your sister in the future.

These are some of the most remarkably hostile responses I think I have ever read on MN; it's like people didn't bother to read the first post properly.

The OP and her sister have been carers for a seriously ill parent since childhood - that's something that most of us are lucky enough never to experience, and it is a profoundly different experince of youth than most children and adolescents get to have. Of course a major milestone for her sister is going to bring up lots of big feelings for the OP; it's a traditional marker of the end of a particular stage of life, even if in practice the differences between being unmarried and married are much less now than they were a few generations ago.

People cry at weddings all the time, OP; as long as you're not wailing aloud I don't think anyone will bat an eyelid. I hope it's a lovely day for you all.

Wow the level of compassion is next level here…..

I get it @Friko , honestly your only mistake was reading page 1 of an aibu thread, it's full of people who click every thread as soon as it's posted and put a knee jerk judgey/emotionally stunted response!
My recommendation would be to discuss with your sister before hand and say as it's her day, ask what she would like you to do if you're feeling overwhelmed. Then you can have an exit strategy in case you need 5 minutes.
Your emotions are your emotions, they can't be switched off and they are important, even if not always convenient. Take care and I hope your next chapter goes better than the current one.

Can't imagine that'd be a fun holiday for her sister though!

I am a crier and I just wish it was as easy to control the tears as many mntters here have commented. I have been like this since a young child and would have “ curbed” the habit if it was possible because of the shaming, teasing etc. So please do not be so judgmental. I do not seek attention and the OP states that nor does she.

I don't understand why you're getting such a hard time OP. Whilst you are happy for your sister, it does mark the end of any era, of singledom and all your plans. You've both sacrificed so much for your DM and both deserve happiness. Your turn will come, if that's what you desire.
I'd sit down with your sister and have a heart to heart, tell her about your regrets, fears and cry, a lot.
Before my DM's funeral I listened to the music she chose over and over again until it didn't trigger heart wrenching tears. Sure I still cried but it wasn't overwhelming.
Not sure that helps you OP but I get you.

You're saying us and we but really it's me and I. She obviously doesn't share your longing to be free and single. It's understandable that there is sadness and regret about your younger years but your emotions about this wedding are misdirected. It's not the time or the place. You're making her wedding about you.

Weddings, births, deaths are all big moments of transition and bring things to the surface which day to day we have under control.

When I lost DH very suddenly and too early I kept it together pretty well through the immediate aftermath, the long wait until we could hold a funeral and then through the funeral itself. Day to day I’m very stoic in public at least and keep on carrying on plus I had young adult children to consider.

Then one of the DC married and when DH was mentioned as part of the ceremony I was overwhelmed by the reality that he would miss three of their weddings and DGC and that the retirement we had planned together would never happen. Loads of things not relevant to the wedding itself are brought to the surface by these big moments.

Luckily my other DC and friends, family just past me the tissues to mop up any tears leaking out during the ceremony and squeezed my hand rather than wag fingers and tell me to get myself under control and stop making it all about myself.

I hope you have someone to pass you a tissue and squeeze your hand on the day. Talk about it to your sister before hand - she may be feeling much the same.

I think you're overthinking how much this will change things. There's very few things single sisters can do that married ones can't.
I've never gone out on the pull with my sister so it made no difference to our dynamic when we each got married.

I wasn't gaslighting you in the slightest.
It was a genuine question!
🤦🏼‍♀️

This

I sum still with you?

You keep talking about being ‘carefree and single’, but what do you think you would have done on a night out or weekend away with your sister before she got married compared to after?

OP, gently, why do you imagine other people’s twenties are all Disney and carefree? I had cancer myself in my 20s (recovered well), a friend of mine was orphaned by the time he was 20, another good friend was hospitalised with anorexia, more than one lost a parent in their 20s — plus I think a lot of people have quietly, ordinarily ‘not fun’ twenties as they figure out how to be adults. I don’t think it’s helpful to think of your mother’s illness as having robbed you of some carefree period everyone else got.

I'd assume there had been a bereavement or similar that the wedding was bringing up. Big life events can be emotional occasions.

People will assume they are happy tears. My DH and I blubbed (silently) all the way through my DSD's wedding ceremony because it was so beautiful. We are very sentimental. Luckily formal photos had already been done so it didn't matter what it did to my make-up.

Of course if you cry and are asked about it you say "because it was so beautiful" not "I'm sad for what we are missing out on".

I was a carer for my terminally ill parent throughout my teenage years and into my twenties. It’s never occurred of me to think of it as a ‘sacrifice’ or that my life was on hold - that just is life, for many many people. I don’t feel robbed of ‘carefree’ years. Twenty years later I can see in reality it was such a short period - 11 years out of a lifetime - where I prioritised my parent whom I loved very much.

I think you need help working through this because feeling so robbed and thwarted by it is going to make your future darker than it needs to be.

I genuinely don’t understand what your sister won’t be able to do married that she could do single, apart from pull men. Which is surely not a ‘together’ activity anyway? I’ve been married for 20+ years and still go on holiday with friends, spa days etc.
Please hold it together on her wedding day.

This. Absolutely this.

Things often turn out differently than we planned. Wanting something badly is not a guarantee of getting it. Just be ready to enjoy this happy occasion!

I absolutely hate that time flies by so fast.

Its even worse when you feel you’ve been cheated out of a lot of it.

But you and your sister seem to have a really strong bond because of it.

You can still go out and have fun as a single woman or as a married one.

I do understand that you are more restricted when you’re in a relationship but she is happy and being married is what she wants.

It’s ok to cry. It’s a big day.
Just try and smile and say how happy you are that she’s getting married and how much you like her partner because at the end of the day your opinion matters more to her than anyone else’s.

Why not book a spa weekend away for just you 2 before the wedding?

That’s a bit harsh. The OP has been through hell and lost her childhood to the cancer her mother suffered and had to mature so fast and deal with all of this terrible ill health - have some compassion.

OP, I understand why this will be so hard for you. Does you sister know you feel this way and would talking to her about it before the wedding help any? You might find she feels sad in the same way - you both went through this really hard time together. I hope you manage to enjoy the wedding - there’s always tears at weddings for all sorts of reasons but hopefully you’ll be able to enjoy a good dance and some fun. Sending you a hug ❤️

There are some shallow people on MN. Take no notice. You’re not being unreasonable. Sound like you’ve been through such a lot together. But you aren’t losing her and she isn’t going anywhere. Her status has changed but it’s not a goodbye to you. 41% of marriages end in divorce anyway, you’re her sis for life.

I understand what you mean (been through similar), but kindly, you are being ridiculous. My sister and I are closer now than ever, both of us married with kids. You just need to find time for each other. This is what spa weekends were made for!