If you saw a bridesmaid crying ugly tears (not necessarily happy) what would you think?

[Friko]

So I’m really worried that I am going to look like I am crying sad tears when my sister gets married. And it may look like I don’t approve. I’m not upset at her choice. I’m glad she’s found someone who has made her happy. The wedding is only a month away and I’m getting nervous!

anytime I think about her actual wedding ceremony I get very emotional and sentimental.

We have had a very tough time. My mum was diagnosed with cancer so our childhood and 20s have NOT been carefree. Mums cancer has returned 7 times. Each time one of us had to move in. And we’ve had to help out with finances. We have an amazing light/fun friendship despite it all.

It’s just the end of a chapter. I was always hoping we could share that carefree experience as single, unmarried people but it wasn’t to be. I now it’s going to happen in the next stage in our life. But it’s just sad that this chapter is closing and we never got to right any of the wrongs of you know? Our adolescence is kind of done in a way.

You and so many others are missing the point entirely

she’s not saying she’s mourning things she won’t ever get to do.

She’s is saying the wedding is a fucking huge reminder that their youth has gone and it has brought years and years of pain to the surface. Trauma has a habit of doing this. Appearing at inopportune times. She’s thrilled her dsis is getting married. It’s just triggered a whole lot of deep trauma about their childhood. She is confronting all the tough times that went before.

OP I think it’s really healthy that you are processing your past years. A therapist would be really helpful.

you need to separate your pain of your past from this wedding. Although the wedding has triggered this sentimental realisation and processing, it is just that. A trigger. The wedding as you know is a lovely event. You need to speak with someone about all the pain and worry and fear and responsibility you carried far too young.

It's the way you felt you had to the fact the tears would be 'not happy' and you're upset you've not had a carefree single holiday together?
Why do you need to be single to go on holiday together, are you wanting to go out on the pull?

You need to give your head a wobble I'm afraid. You have developed main character syndrome, and you are making yourself the focus of this day, when this day is not about you. You are there to support and celebrate your sister and you need to get your own emotional responses under control to facilitate you doing that.

Shorter, old fashioned version - buck up, slap on a smile, and get on with it.

The way you talk about having your carefree, single 20s with your sister is a bit weird, frankly. I don't know anyone who did what you're talking about. In fact the only woman in her 20s I can think of that does nights out / holidays with her sister is already married!

It’s self indulgent and wallowing.

Real people’s 20s aren’t episodes of Friends or RomCom scenes of besties on adventures. They are scraping by, finding fun where possible but mostly just dealing with the crap life throws at you.

Your sister deserves a wedding that is all about optimism and happiness for the future for her and her new husband.

If you can’t control your emotions, step back from being in the wedding party.

Get some counselling, CBT the shit out of your current mindset, and let go of an image of a carefree age almost no one actually experiences.

Very good advice.

The fun doesn't stop just because you are both no longer adolescents. You've both clearly been through a very hard time and you are looking forward at some changes.

But life is full of changes.
What type of things would you like to have done? Can you still do them?
If you feel you missed out on having fun with your sister, just remember that you had a good relationship and love each other and she will still be your sister.
Plan some fun times with her before the wedding and then afterwards perhaps sometimes with her and her new DH.. and also find some new things that you would like to do yourself or with other friends.

That Pakistani tradition sounds lovely.

What if she is? She’s spent her youth caring for a seriously ill parent, if she wants to go on a raucous six week holiday and shag a different bloke every night I’d say good for you!

Thank you for articulating what I was trying to say xxx

It’s driving me mad being so misunderstood. I’m stepping away from the thread.

thanks to people who tried to understand what I was saying instead of framing me as a selfish arsehole.

Telling me to get help? How horrible. I’ve had plenty of counselling, thanks.

Some very cruel people in the world

Ah OP I get it.
You can be very happy for someone yet also sad for other reasons too.
Perfectly possible to have more than one emotion.
I also understand that this isn't something that is that easy to express in RL.
I'm sure that in part ceremonies are about supporting emotional transition.
If you cry so what, I'm sure that there will also be many smiles and much laughter too

Get therapy ASAP. They will have coping tactics you can try out. You sound in general like you could use them.

I can promise you the chances of doing these things don't stop just be cause one of you marries. DSis and I have weekends together, go for cocktails or have little adventures, or just hang out at each other's houses, cooking and reminiscing and playing music from our teenage years. We are in our sixties now!

I agree with a PP - book a couple of therapy sessions with a good CBT therapist and explain this specific concern and what is behind it. They should be able to help you do some exercises in advance to reframe your thinking about the wedding. It may be the end of an era that was never quite what you'd hoped, but none of the things you long for have to be written off at a certain age or when one person marries.

I’d think you were attention seeker and wonder why you thought it was appropriate as an adult. I would feel sorry for your sister!

It was a perfectly legitimate question, struggling to see how you’ve twisted it into gaslighting?

OP you’re asking what we’d think if we saw you ugly cry at your sister’s wedding. It is not the place to mourn the carefree youth you never had.

But she can do that, there’s absolutely nothing stopping her.
Just not with her sister, because her sister didn’t want to.

And also – serious advice – invest in really good waterproof mascara and eye makeup so you don;t end up looking like a panda even if you do shed a tear.

Honestly, you should really get a bit of self-help and try to focus on your sister's happiness and her big day. Also, keep alcohol limited if you tend to get more emotional while having a few.

My daughter has one friend who is easy to tears and tends to find drama where is isn't. We and the bridesmaids were warned 'when Kaitlyn starts tearing up, get her distracted!" Sure enough, she was balling her eyes out in the lobby of the venue because she had recently broken up with her boyfriend (for the third time) and was so upset because she was hoping to be engaged by then. She had had a few drinks by then as well, which made it worse. My daughter did not want to have to deal with her emotions on her big day.

You will always have your sister, but the nature of relationships will change over the course of a lifetime.

@Friko The window of opportunity to be two carefree single girls together closed when the first of you got into your current relationship. Would it help you to acknowledge that, and not see your sister's actual wedding day as the end of an era that never really happened?

I'm sorry things have been so hard with your mum's cancer. It sounds like you and your sister have had to grow up too soon and by the time you no longer have the responsibility of caring for your mum you'll both be too old to be "young" and have too many other commitments to be "carefree".

It also sounds rather like you are romanticising fictional experiences you've seen fictional sisters have in films, and you're telling yourself that you and your sister would have done these things together if only your mum hadn't had cancer. But maybe you wouldn't have. Lots of women don't have these kinds of experiences with their sisters, or at all. Lots of women don't even have a sister.

So try to uncouple all of these feelings from your sister's wedding day.

She's found the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. She's happy she's getting married. You're happy she's getting married. Try to only feel joy on her wedding day.

You absolutely can have carefree experiences with your sister, even after the age of 30, when one or both of you are married and one or both of you have kids.

I hope the next era brings you both joy and happiness.

I get that your youth with your sister wasn't as unburdened as you'd hoped, but you still have your mum. Fwiw I'm 40, married with DC , I just got back from an amazing carefree weekend with women I met as teenagers, we've all had various ups and downs, most are married or have children or both. We still make time to be together without those ties and there are other lovely times like introducing our children to each other's. A lot of your youth has been on the precipice of a loss that hasn't yet happened, this is just a step forward, you are not losing your sister.

Sorry, I just read your reply above regarding counselling or help. I don't think it's cruel at all to suggest it. Don't mean to offend at all.

Me too. And I'd think she wanted the Groom herself.

I think part of the problem is that you’re referring to ugly tears and ugly crying, which is fairly specific. Ugly crying is sobbing, gasping, red-faced, snot-nosed, etc. You absolutely cannot do that at your sister’s wedding during the nuptials. It would be completely inappropriate; no one would hear a word as they’d all be staring at you.

I also had my twenties and all those experiences taken from me so I have a lot of empathy and understanding there. But if you’re genuinely talking about making a spectacle of yourself as she’s trying to marry her future husband then you need to excuse yourself rather than ruin her day.

If you just want to mourn the experiences that you didn’t get to have and aren’t at risk of bombing her ceremony then mourn away. I’m afraid you’ll still get responses based on your OP though.

I'm sorry but I think she'd be making the day about her.

I understand how difficult you've had it but I'd really try and find a way to deal with it which doesn't involve crying ugly tears at your sisters wedding.

I’m sorry you’re getting a hard time op. I’d never think the sister of the bride was attention seeking if she was crying at the weekend. Especially if they’d had a rough time with their mothers illness.

Also op, my sister and I are married and we regularly meet up and go away for weekends. Sometimes by ourselves and sometimes with our dc.

Of course people have been 'incredibly upset' and cried. But this is OP's sister's WEDDING - a happy occasion.

No need for distress.

What an odd assumption. Most grooms are just generic men so not that coveted, OP didn’t mention her sister was marrying Tom Hardy.