If you saw a bridesmaid crying ugly tears (not necessarily happy) what would you think?

[Friko]

So I’m really worried that I am going to look like I am crying sad tears when my sister gets married. And it may look like I don’t approve. I’m not upset at her choice. I’m glad she’s found someone who has made her happy. The wedding is only a month away and I’m getting nervous!

anytime I think about her actual wedding ceremony I get very emotional and sentimental.

We have had a very tough time. My mum was diagnosed with cancer so our childhood and 20s have NOT been carefree. Mums cancer has returned 7 times. Each time one of us had to move in. And we’ve had to help out with finances. We have an amazing light/fun friendship despite it all.

It’s just the end of a chapter. I was always hoping we could share that carefree experience as single, unmarried people but it wasn’t to be. I now it’s going to happen in the next stage in our life. But it’s just sad that this chapter is closing and we never got to right any of the wrongs of you know? Our adolescence is kind of done in a way.

You place such an emphasis on carefree.
You are both still carefree, except her partner has taken what you consider to be your place.

OP I always cry at weddings (I'm a wet blanket and love love!) and once at a close friend's wedding I did big ugly snotty sobs because I'd recently separated from my husband and was caught off guard with how emotional it made me. I wasn't sat at the front though and was able to excuse myself.

I feel like I’m getting a really hard time.

I’m morning a stage of life that has been harder than most people can even begin to imagine.

Of course marriage doesn’t stop future experiences from happening. It will just be in the next chapter of life. And not as young adults. It’s like a marker. The chapter is ending and we never got to put things right. In THIS stage.

There is zero reason why you cannot do this once she's married though. Marriage doesn't mean she gets locked in a tower for the rest of her life

It’s sentimental not logical.

I feel like some of these responses are bit off.

OP hasnt said she’s going to ugly cry and make it all about her or be attention seeking. More she’s worried about doing it by accident.

Marriage is a big thing, they will no longer share a last name. It’s a milestone in peoples lives.

However OP I do think you are romanticising the lost years with your sister that you never had. Had your mum not been sick you might have drifted apart or spent less time together.

I would definitely have a one on one session with your sister beforehand and get all your emotions out, ugly cry together over the good and bad things you have made it through together. Then worse case on the day, as I’m a cryer, I find counting ceiling tiles, or numbers of flowers etc helps me from being a mess

Well she must have had some semblance of freedom as she obviously met , dated and is now marrying her husband . Do you feel like you are losing her because she will be married. You know if your mother is stable health wise , you can still go away together or days out. Being married doesnt mean she will stop being your sister .

I’ve got a couple of great photos of my friends proper sobbing at our wedding - my dad managed to give me away despite advancing Parkinson’s and they knew how much that meant to me

Fuck's sake, some of these replies. Absolutely shameful.

Op, I'm willing to bet that this isn't about your sister getting married, it's about your mum and how she won't be there.

I ugly cried at my own sister's wedding when I got up to do a reading, and I was mortified. It was just such an emotional day for all of us, the tears were partly because I was so happy that she'd finally found a man who deserved her and made her happy, and partly because I would have given anything for our late brother to be there to see it.

Could you seek some help to process this before her wedding day?

It seems that maybe this idea of being single and carefree together might have been a coping mechanism, and while that’s understandable, it’s getting in the way of your happiness for her. You really don’t want to be unearthing all of this on her wedding day x

I’m happy for her!

OP, are you worried, in a sense, about being 'left behind'?

My mum is with us but not in the best place

I don’t think OP’s mum has passed…

Not at all. Omg. The gaslighting. I’ve done my best to share the source of my feelings

I’m in a happy relationship

Sorry, I totally misread that part. Apologies!

I think the point here that you might be romanticising something that may or may not have happened if things had been different is important. But also agree, try to have a time together to talk and cry - you may also find she feels differently about it (unless you know otherwise for sure) and that may make it less emotionally charged.

Don’t do it. I’m sorry for your troubles, but put your big bridesmaid pants on and make the day about your dear sister as it should be.

Could you have those things (weekend breaks, nights out etc) after the wedding? Being in a relationship doesn't necessarily make those things impossible.

I agree with the suggestions to try and find some time to speak to your sister before the wedding. You may still cry ay the wedding, but at least she will understand why and can back you if anyone makes a comment.

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time, I hope you can find some peace.

I understand feeling regret over plans that were never fulfilled due to your mum’s illness, but it’s really not healthy to keep dwelling on what could have been. We all have things that would like to be different in our lives. But if we dwell on what we don’t have it stops us appreciating what we do have. You have a sister who you clearly have a good relationship with. You’re gaining a new brother or sister in law who can become an extra source of support and comfort throughout your life.

Book a weekend away with your sister. She’s getting married not joining a convent. And buy a big pair of sunglasses for the big day. And maybe try a bit of role playing by yourself practicing your bridesmaid duties while thinking happy smiley thoughts.

I feel like I’m getting a really hard time.

You are talking about crying 'ugly tears' at your sister's funeral so are clearly planning this will be the case and wondering what other people will think. I expect they will think you are really attention seeking on your sister's special day or that you are pissed.

I totally understand you might feel sad/sentimental/grieving for what might have been but wasn't. Cry your ugly tears in your own bedroom at some other time when nobody is there though. Don't decide to do it then.

You can still have weekend breaks when you’re married. My sister and I fulfilled a childhood dream doing the Sound of Music tour in Austria together when we were both married and I was pregnant. It doesn’t replace being young free and single, but it doesn’t mean that everything you’d planned can’t happen either.

I’m not wanting to cry ugly tears on purpose!

My mum been through cancer and at my wedding my mum had active breast cancer and was in the middle of radiotherapy and my gran had terminal breast cancer and there was another medical condition with a close family member. No one cried...it was a celebration. A celebration that everyone was together and that's all that mattered. I honestly didn't care about my wedding (I didn't wear makeup, didn't get my hair done or anything like that. I was marrying a man who cared about me and still 20 plus years later cares for me)...the actual day doesn't matter it was amazing that my mum, gran and the other family member was there....cry before if you need you but celebrate with your sister...we never did the stuff you mentioned but we done a few things in the last 20 plus years after I got married. Celebrate and support your sister... Do the things you want too after she gets married. Enjoy the day. It go so quick x

Right, I unalived the poor OP's mum but doing the same to her sister is next level! 😆