If you saw a bridesmaid crying ugly tears (not necessarily happy) what would you think?

[Friko]

So I’m really worried that I am going to look like I am crying sad tears when my sister gets married. And it may look like I don’t approve. I’m not upset at her choice. I’m glad she’s found someone who has made her happy. The wedding is only a month away and I’m getting nervous!

anytime I think about her actual wedding ceremony I get very emotional and sentimental.

We have had a very tough time. My mum was diagnosed with cancer so our childhood and 20s have NOT been carefree. Mums cancer has returned 7 times. Each time one of us had to move in. And we’ve had to help out with finances. We have an amazing light/fun friendship despite it all.

It’s just the end of a chapter. I was always hoping we could share that carefree experience as single, unmarried people but it wasn’t to be. I now it’s going to happen in the next stage in our life. But it’s just sad that this chapter is closing and we never got to right any of the wrongs of you know? Our adolescence is kind of done in a way.

How old are you op?

There is a difference in being a bit emotional at a wedding and hands waving in front of your face attention seeking crying

Sorry but she managed to find a boyfriend and get engaged and conduct a relationship during this time to the point where she is getting married so I think perhaps you are projecting what you wished for the both of you rather than a joint dream of what life was going to be. Sorry to hear about what your mum went through and subsequently how that impacted you.

However you don't know how you will react on the day but it sounds like you are planning to act like this!! Yes it will be an emotional day but to describe it as ugly tears now rather than it being an in the moment reaction does seem to be rather making it all about you!

It might help to shift your mindset from how you're going to feel to how you think your sister may feel and how you can support her.

It might help you to be more practical if you spend time anticipating the points when your sister might feel weepy and making sure you have tissues and a hand hold ready.

You're already sad, you can do your crying now.

I don't think anyone will notice you crying the way you think they will but yur sister will and it will pull her focus and that is what is likely to get people's attention.

And of she's happy and coping in the moment, it would be a terrible shame to bring her down.

As adults, we normally learn how to hold our public crying in so this may be a timely skill to work on.

Sorry but she managed to find a boyfriend and get engaged and conduct a relationship during this time to the point where she is getting married so I think perhaps you are projecting what you wished for the both of you rather than a joint dream of what life was going to be. Sorry to hear about what your mum went through and subsequently how that impacted you.
Actually very good point by @Spirallingdownwards and op has said also in relationship.. so assuming there has been time in both of your lives for nights out, socialising etc?

Is she marrying someone she literally just met? If not surely the shift you’re describing has already happened?

100%

You say they’re happy tears then explained how sad you’re finding everything. I’d work on this before the wedding, stop thinking about yourself and find a way to be genuinely happy for her on her day. It’s not about you or what you’re missing out on. It’s about everything she’s going to have and all the happiness she’s found for herself after a hard time.

Stop focusing on what you’re not getting.

Crying at weddings is actually a compliment. The person who cries is recognising the significance of the occasion, both the solemnity and the joy of it. It will be extra poignant for you because of all you have been through with your sister. But you won't be weeping hysterically, just " tearing up". Small mirror, tissues, and a touch- up of foundation and concealer in a little bag. You might need to get someone else to keep this for you. I'm not sure what you do about mascara as I never wore it but I imagine it could run if you're not careful. If you are the type that goes a bit blotchy when you cry an anti- histamine taken before the event might help.
Are you chief bridesmaid? If so you will be quite busy so it's good to think of the practicalities now. Be careful of alcohol if it makes you maudlin.

Well, I’m sure the OP’s sister will think ‘How complimentary! ’ when all the photos feature a bridesmaid ‘ugly crying’!

So you go to the bathroom, have a cry, and come back out when you have calmed down.

If she's "incredibly upset" because her sister is getting happily married, something's very wrong there.

OP has stated she will be ugly crying, not necessarily happy tears. It’s a huge difference.

i don’t see why the marriage is such a significant event that would remind you of “lost twenties weekends away”.

It sounds like you've both had a very rough time, and you are still reeling from the trauma. I'm so sorry for you that you feel you missed so much. I'm sure it doesn't help to know that some people find single years get lonely, you are both lucky to have found good partners early. Meanwhile think about this you can do anyway. Even married people can schedule time to "catch up" on time with other loved ones, if your sister wants to do that. A weekend away, a night out, a spa day - you can still do all these things up until the babies come, and then again once they grow up a bit. You may also find you all enjoy going away as a 4; time as a group, time as sisters and time as couples can all be fitted nicely into a week away. Good luck with it all!

OP - So sorry to hear about your mum. That must have been, and continue to be, incredibly hard. It sounds like you and your sister have done so much to support your mum, and missed out on a lot. That's very hard and it makes total sense to me that you would be sad about it. And it also makes sense to me that your sister's wedding is making you reflect on what you have been through in this phase of your lives, and on what could-have-been if your mum had not had cancer.

Personally if I was your sister I wouldn't want everyone to plaster on a smile for the whole day. E.g. at the reception I'd want a get-together where people could connect. After all it's usually a rare opportunity for the wider family and friend groups to get together. Maybe this is a good chance for you to talk to some of the people (e.g. from your mum's wider family?) who will understand? You have been through a lot and there must be a lot to talk over.

But I also get that it is normal for the bride and groom to care about how the wedding party looks for the photos and the formal bits. So maybe if possible you could try to smile for these bits. I reckon you can do it!

In case this helps I had a vaguely similar experience at a funeral where I was not the main mourner (it was a funeral for the child of a friend). Everyone in the family party was very calm and dignified on a very difficult day, and so I was horrified to feel loud sobs rising up in me (I am very much a loud and ugly cryer!). I managed to keep them in, and my tactic was to just totally detach from the service - not look at the small coffin, not think about the music they were playing, just think about other things. It meant that I was not fully engaged with the funeral, but I'm sure everyone preferred that to having me be the noisiest person in the room.

@Friko - I'm so sorry you're getting unhelpful and hateful responses.

As a few posters have suggested, have a heart to heart with your sister on this - this new stage of her life may be similarly triggering for her. And she too may be wondering how she'll get through this joyful day of her life.

I don't know the size of the wedding or how prominent your role will be or how much on display you'll be. But perhaps discuss with your sister some back up plans if you become overwhelmed. So if there are specific things you've been allocated, maybe there can be a back up person to take on those things if you're unable to.

In practical terms - and at the risk of stating the blindingly obvious - easy on the make up and/or ensure your makeup is waterproof. If you can, bring those frozen gel packs so if you do have ugly crying, you can reduce redness and swelling. And cleansing wipes and make up to touch up.

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle

- I'm so sorry you're getting unhelpful and hateful responses.

I think many posters are just answering the OP's question. Incredibly common to be emotional and cry at weddings, but not to make a big scene which crying ugly tears implies - especially if you are upfront near the happy couple. Personally I'd try to keep it together as much as possible for my sister.

Obviously OP can't help how she feels and both sisters have had an incredibly tough time.

If someone posted a AIBU thread asking if they were reasonable to be a bit upset that their bridesmaid and/or family member sobbed throughout their wedding ceremony I think they'd get a lot of sympathy on here (not 100% this being MN!).

Try not to make it about you and seek attention.

You’re already in the mindset that you’re going to start crying and upstage the bride.

You can pull yourself together for goodness sake!

But we never went on a single weekend break as carefree, single sisters in their 20s.

Fwiw, I’ve got 3 older sisters and I’ve never been on a weekend break with any of them. Nor have any of them with each other. With friends, yes, lots over the years. I love my sisters but I’m much closer to friends.

Personally if I was your sister I wouldn't want everyone to plaster on a smile for the whole day. E.g. at the reception I'd want a get-together where people could connect. After all it's usually a rare opportunity for the wider family and friend groups to get together. Maybe this is a good chance for you to talk to some of the people (e.g. from your mum's wider family?) who will understand? You have been through a lot and there must be a lot to talk over.
Bit rubbish if the mum overhears this at the wedding though would it not?

Oh gosh tricky thread
OP it sounds like you have Trauma bonded to your Sister due to the events in your childhood and have issues with Emotional Regulation due to C-PTSD
It must have been extremely difficult but it's not appropriate to bring this to your Sisters wedding.
In the nicest possible way it's not about you and your difficulties it's about her.
Many siblings don't go away together they go with friends -that's not the main point though, its a symptom
Please look up Abandonment issues-its likely that the fear of your DM dying has been transferred to your DSis, she's moving forward in her life not abandoning you .
It sounds like you have a way to go despite therapy , I agree that it's a good idea to either talk or write to her before the wedding

I’m still confused over you post

you mentioning care free and single and going away

and can’t do that now

yiu can still do that if she is married

you say you are in a relationship so what’s the diff in you and married sister going away for a weekend