If you saw a bridesmaid crying ugly tears (not necessarily happy) what would you think?

[Friko]

So I’m really worried that I am going to look like I am crying sad tears when my sister gets married. And it may look like I don’t approve. I’m not upset at her choice. I’m glad she’s found someone who has made her happy. The wedding is only a month away and I’m getting nervous!

anytime I think about her actual wedding ceremony I get very emotional and sentimental.

We have had a very tough time. My mum was diagnosed with cancer so our childhood and 20s have NOT been carefree. Mums cancer has returned 7 times. Each time one of us had to move in. And we’ve had to help out with finances. We have an amazing light/fun friendship despite it all.

It’s just the end of a chapter. I was always hoping we could share that carefree experience as single, unmarried people but it wasn’t to be. I now it’s going to happen in the next stage in our life. But it’s just sad that this chapter is closing and we never got to right any of the wrongs of you know? Our adolescence is kind of done in a way.

I think lots of people cry at weddings. I wouldn't worry about it, infact it could be the more you worry the more likely you are to cry. If you do cry just sort of waft your hand about and say I'm so happy for her. I went to a wedding where the bride sobbed for most of the service, no one batted an eyelid. It's easy to become overwhelmed by emotion. Have some emergency make up for a touch up before the photos.

OP asked what people would think if they were a guest at a wedding and saw the bride's sister ugly crying.

I would genuinely think that the sister was attention seeking and feel really sorry for the bride.

I wouldn't automatically know a big background of context - to be honest though even with context, I think making a scene is very selfish.

OP seems to have bigger issues dealing with what she's been through, the time to process that is not at a wedding ceremony which is supposed to be a joyful day.

OP, I am sorry for the difficult time your family has had. I’m glad it sounds like both you and your sister have found love. Honestly, you can still go for weekends away and nights out when one of you is married- there is no reason that needs to stop! I do think you might find it helpful to talk to someone about all the difficult times you’ve gone through caring for your mum, as you clearly have a lot of emotions to process which is understandable. I don’t mean that in a snarky way but in a kind way. I also think it’s fine to have a little cry at a loved one’s wedding. I’d try to have a big chat with someone/cry to get some of the emotions out of your system first, and then just have less to process on the day!

You could try getting some ‘Rescue Remedy’ from the pharmacy.
I do get your worry about not being able to stop yourself from crying - some of us are just like that ie it’s not easy to stop our tears at all. However, I do also agree with PP that it would help you to reframe the experience in your mind…. Try to stop seeing it as ‘end of a chapter’. It’s not that big a deal going from ‘partner’ to ‘spouse’ in terms of how much it impacts on your free time. Just see it as a fun party and how great it is that your mum is still around for it (though that might make you feel emotional too! 😭). x

I cried loads when my sister got married, totally normal in my culture, it is the end of a chapter and the opening of a new one. Everyone understands the why of it, so I wouldn’t think it’s unusual at all.

Also the thing to remember is that a lot of people never did weekends away etc with their siblings, I’m very close to mine but we socialised separately. I think because of your circumstances your sister has meant that a lot of your life centred on her and your mum. Honestly and I say this with compassion but you need to start to detach a little and have those weekends away and nights out with your own friends. However theres no reason you can’t do those things regardless, she’s getting married not leaving earth. Married people are allowed to go out.

I think it’s absolutely understandable that you have invested as much emotional intimacy in your sister as you have but I’m not sure it’s entirely healthy. I say this with compassion but you will have to take a step back a little bit.

I honestly think you are carrying trauma from your mums illness and some grief for the things that you would have otherwise had. Some therapy may help. A lot of us have had less than ideal younger years but the years are gone and can’t come back, you have to build for the future.

Yes I agree with this. This isn't about you. Let your sister have some joy. You sound incredibly selfish it's not the end of an era for you either, you can still be carefree as can she? Do you think she will be in shackles when she marries?
I would actually be be really annoyed if you did this to me on my wedding day

She’s getting married
not going to jail. You can still do the things you wanted to do.

Oh God
I bawled like a baby at my brothers wedding 🙈 genuinely had no idea I'd react like that.
I wanted no attention, I was just bursting with absolute pride. (It took them a decade to get there)

Oh my goodness I only read the first page but people are being so mean on here! I totally understand. My mum has never been so ill and I would still cry at my sister’s wedding. I find it difficult not to cry at any emotional situation even as an adult and it’s really mean of people to say you just need to control yourself and not make it all about you. I definitely think you ought to talk to your sister beforehand and get the tears out then. Then hopefully by the time the wedding comes you’ll just have an “appropriate” level of tears to shed. Bloody British people with their stiff upper lips. You’ve done an amazing thing for your mum and you can still go on your sister weekends even when she’s married. Just make sure she doesn’t have kids for a while!

I think, perhaps without meaning to, it’s coming across that you fully intend to “ugly cry” and you’re actually winding yourself up before hand about it. Please try to find another way rather than sobbing at the wedding, for your sister’s sake …as others have said maybe find a time before the wedding to get together just you two and talk and cry then?
think about all the positive things that you both have to look forward to and excuse yourself to the ladies (or a quiet room somewhere) if you really need a big cry. Because sobbing and carrying on in public at the wedding will look like attention seeking, no matter what your motivation is.

That’s a v thoughtful post. The group acknowledge change & transitions

I cry at everything but really, you should get it out of your system before the wedding - or at least pause it on the day.

Some tears are normal and to be expected, but ugly crying will be a bit odd and almost a little self centred. I haven’t read through all the comments yet but maybe counselling would be good for you, she’s obviously moved on for the “what would have been” stage and you need to find a way to grieve that too.

I’m very sorry for everything, cancer is hell.

Why does her getting married mean you can’t have fun and weekend breaks?

in answer to your question OP I’d think it was weird and probably assume you’d had some unfortunately timed devastating news. If I knew the reason I’d judge even harder as I can’t stand people who make someone else’s business (your sister’s wedding) about them to this extent.

I never went on a carefree break with a sibling. I know loads of people that didn’t. Kindly you need to get these feelings in check. You have been through a lot with your DM and pulled together as a family. You have a lovely celebration ahead of you.
Speak to a counsellor about your feelings, a private counsellor should have some space available before wedding.

I'd think you were jealous and trying to make it all about you.

Don't do this and ruin her big day. It doesn't change anything but is a joyful thing after harder times.

I think you should desensitise yourself before the wedding. I understand you’re dealing with hard emotions of missed opportunities. Give yourself time to sit with those emotions, literally sit down and just think of all the upsetting things that you will get upset about at the wedding. Allow yourself to cry about them. Sit for as long as it takes to feel calm again (this bit is really important) your body will calm down, it may take 30 minutes or more. But you won’t be able to stay at the extremely heightened levels of stress for much longer.

Then do this again a couple of days later. After a few times it will pass much more quickly and you should have a much better chance of coping at the wedding.

You can do this!

I’d assume she was feeling sorry for herself to be honest.

You may not actually end up crying on the day if you get all your tears out beforehand! Plus it'll be totally different being in the church/venue with loads of people around rather than sat by yourself having a sob. You may not feel like ugly crying in front of people.

This isn't something like "aw isn't the sibling of the bride cute by being emotional" (even though it's ugly crying).

I think you should watch a whole bunch of emotional movies the day beforehand and get everything out of your system as much as you can, then do whatever you can (not thinking deeply about what is being said/pretend you are at the dentist/focus on something hyperspecific like everyone's shoes/basically don't indulge those emotions) to NOT ugly-cry at the wedding.

It's so disproportionate that people will intuit it's not about the wedding (and it isn't! it's about the cancer and your twenties and all that) and the wedding day SHOULD be about the wedding.

So yes, absolutely you must pull yourself together.

Tears are an involuntary thing, though. People don’t exactly stand there and think ‘I think I’ll cry now.’ It can’t always be stopped.

You can still do things together now she’s married!
Talk it through with a councillor before the wedding. It sounds like you’ve had a tough few years you need to process. Don’t let it ruin your sister’s wedding, it’s your issue to deal with.

I think it will help if you let go of the idea of how things 'should have been'. Start telling yourself a different story.

This idea you have of carefree sisters having endless fun before settling down is actually not the norm. I'd say most people do not have carefree teens/20s, one way or another, and good sibling relationships are not a given.

It may well be that your relationship with your sister is as good as it is because of what you have both been through, not in spite of it.

In any case, your sister's wedding is not the time to be grieving what you believe you have lost - and it is only a belief. The story for that day is how she has found even more love in her life, and how you have a new member of the family to share any load that may come.

That is a cause for happy tears, not sad ones.

It's normal to cry at weddings. They can be very emotional. Of course you will shed tears and your emotions will be mixed, because you have been through tough times together, but mostly they will be tears of joy. Overall it's sure to be a lovely day that you will remember fondly. Just make sure you have the means to touch up your makeup (and the bride's as necessary).

I think you need some therapy.

I know you won’t do it on purpose but really try your hardest not to. Talk to your sister the day before and cry then. It really will come across as attention seeking and people may be unpleasant about it.