If you saw a bridesmaid crying ugly tears (not necessarily happy) what would you think?

[Friko]

So I’m really worried that I am going to look like I am crying sad tears when my sister gets married. And it may look like I don’t approve. I’m not upset at her choice. I’m glad she’s found someone who has made her happy. The wedding is only a month away and I’m getting nervous!

anytime I think about her actual wedding ceremony I get very emotional and sentimental.

We have had a very tough time. My mum was diagnosed with cancer so our childhood and 20s have NOT been carefree. Mums cancer has returned 7 times. Each time one of us had to move in. And we’ve had to help out with finances. We have an amazing light/fun friendship despite it all.

It’s just the end of a chapter. I was always hoping we could share that carefree experience as single, unmarried people but it wasn’t to be. I now it’s going to happen in the next stage in our life. But it’s just sad that this chapter is closing and we never got to right any of the wrongs of you know? Our adolescence is kind of done in a way.

I would pull out the wedding should be about the couple and not the bridesmaid if i couldn't manage that i would not do it

With respect, you're imagining a life that may never gave happened anyway. I love my suster but even never gone on a carefree single weekend with her. And why should it be any different now? Just because she's married doesn't mean you can't do things together. You seem to be conflating mourning your mother with mourning time with your sister, when you can still have time with your sister. Talking about ugly rears is striking me as unnecessarily over the top.

She’s getting married not moving to the other side of the world - honestly, I did more with my sisters after I was married than before x
Try and focus on the fun girly weekends you can still have in the coming years xxx

Oh I’m a sentimental crier Op, I know how you feel. If I saw you crying, I would just assume you were emotional, it will help if you smile through the tears.

You’ve been through a hard time. Try not to dwell on all the emotion and history on your sister’s big day or you will keep setting yourself off. Obviously the speeches will probably be a trigger, but people will understand if you cry then. Aside from that, just talk sensibly to yourself. Especially in the ceremony, as you won’t have has the photos at that point. Keep a matter-of-fact / lighthearted inner monologue going, don’t let yourself start thinking soppy thoughts!

Basically, your sister and her husband are going to sign a legal document and have a party. Nothing is materially changing. It’s just an opportunity for a good bash. Keep reminding yourself of this!

This is you making the wedding about you.

I'm sorry for your mum's cancer, it sounds like you've had a really rough time of it 💐

Unfortunately, I don't think you can cry ugly tears without causing a bit of a scene. In your shoes I'd practice thinking about other things to take your mind off it/plan where you can nip off to if you feel yourself losing control.

I understand you feel like this is the end of an era, but it really doesn't have to mean the end of carefree time with your sister. I've just got back from a girly weekend with mine and we are both married and have small children.

As lovely as her wedding will be, her being married won't change anything really. She's still the same person with the same partner... they will just married 🤷‍♀️

OP if you come back to this thread, is there any chance you could get away for a weekend with your sister before the wedding? Perhaps your partner and her fiancé could help with your mum and let you go away for a bit of fun? X

It does sound a bit like you are actively planning some attention seeking tears at the wedding.

You can go for a weekend away with you sister, she’s getting married not cutting contact. Are you jealous she is getting married? Something feels off, why would you know you’re going to sit and ugly cry? If you shed a tear so what, presumably you’ll still have a smile on your face because you’re happy for your sister? Just don’t sit wailing and no one will even notice they’ll be to busy watching the bride and groom

I'd think she was upset about something. No more or less than that, to be honest.
If I knew her well, I'd go and see if I could do anything to help or if she needed anyone to talk to. If I didn't know her, I'd just check that she had someone nearby and go about my evening.

Having said that, I had to do the Father of the Bride speech at my sister's wedding as my Dad died when we were young and my 92 year old Grandad who had walked her down the aisle 2 months after a hip replacement was too frail to be understood well. I wrote the speech, learned it word for word and recited it about 100 times in the run up to the wedding until I was certain that I would do it without crying. I was terrified of crying in front of everyone and determined not to. But I don't think my sister or anyone else would have thought anything negative if I had.

I would feel really sorry for the bride and groom and think the bridesmaid was quite narcissistic.

You should process these feelings away from the wedding, in therapy if necessary, and then control yourself at the wedding and focus on your sister's happiness. If you think you can't, you need to have a good plan to excuse yourself, touch up your make-up, and not ruin your sister's day.

Also, she's getting married, not joining a nunnery. She can still have carefree, happy times.

It’s okay to feel this way.

It’s not okay to hysterically cry about it at someone else’s wedding ceremony.

Life and experiences and fun doesn’t stop when you get into relationships.

You do seem rather self absorbed, the way you say you’ll be mourning the “carefree single sister” life chapter you didn’t experience rather than being happy for your sisters big day.

I wouldn't think anything. Well, I'd think "Gosh, I wonder what's up with her". But I'd assume the typical kind of thing that makes people "ugly cry" at events and celebrations... Man trouble! Like maybe you'd just had a horrible argument with your boyfriend. Or some other falling out with a friend maybe.

my mum had a massive disabling health issue when I was 10, about a year after my oldest sister got married. I got married at 31. My mum died when I was 44. my parents and their issues has been a dominant factor throughout

at the many family events over the last 30+ years literally none of my siblings has made a scene, cried ugly tears or done anything other than celebrated the moment

we’ve had occasional sisters weekends etc

we aren’t saints but we are generally pretty good at working with what we have. You can’t live in the hypothetical.

You need to get it out of your system before your sister's big day. Chat it through with her. Or a friend. Find a therapist maybe.

Dainty little sniffles with a smile ok.
Great wracking attention seeking howls not so much.

Excellent advice, have a night on your own with your sister and get it all out.

Why do you feel it won't happen now? Imo life changes due to parenthood much more than getting married. Your sister is still available for fun when she's married.

I wish you all the best

Sounds like they are sad tears. You’re a bit gutted she’s getting married and you feel you might be losing the version of her that you want - someone fun who wants to go out all of the time.

i get it, I remember when my Friends were getting in to committed relationships when I was young and single and it did feel like I might be left behind. Add in that you’ve been through a lot, I’m not judging. But think you need to reconsider trauma dumping your difficult feelings on your sisters wedding. Therapy might be helpful.

youre not describing proud happy tears here, you are planning to mourn a relationship you never got. Its totally inappropriate and selfish to do that on the day your sister gets married

“single weekend break as carefree, single sisters in their 20s” IME that’s really not a usual thing @Friko …but in any case, use the trick of pushing the tip of your tongue up to the roof of your mouth anytime you feel about to cry. I found that very helpful recently at a family funeral. Best of luck and I hope you can feel the happiness on the day.

I would roll my eyes if I see a bridesmaid crying thinking she is an attention seeker.

@Friko for what its worth I did so much more with my sisters after they were married than before! When we were early twenties I think we side lined each other a little for friends, but the further we got down the list of things like marriage, buying houses, kids, the closer we seemed to pull together.

We now do things like camping holidays together with the kids and we are looking into a disney trip. I think marriage can definitely help with feeling carefree- it made me feel secure confident and safe in a place in my life in a way I never had when I was just dating. Your trips might be weekend breaks away together rather than a party boat in Ibiza, but if you still crave the later type of holiday you could take these with your friends.

I agree you need to talk this out and get those tears out long before the wedding if they are in danger of coming on the day, for your sisters sake. If they do come on the day you need to lie and say they are happy tears!

Your post made me tear up 😢 I understand exactly what you mean. My sister died when she was young so I never got to experience that “grown siblings in their 20’s” relationship that you see on tv. I get what you are mourning. It’s all the possibilities, all the fun memories that didn’t materialise. I think you need to cry and do the sad stuff at home by yourself, or with a therapist. Try and get all the sadness out before the wedding so you can enjoy the day when it comes. Hugs.

I was a carer for years. It scarred me. I hear you. This is emotion from carer's burden and a complicated bundle of realising you are in another life stage and cannot rewrite the last one. It feels a bit like mourning.

I totally get it and think the other unsympathetic responses are from people who've never experienced the drudge of caring for a seriously ill loved one.

Someone suggested sitting down with your sister and explaining exactly this and having a sob before the wedding. Express it, get it out of your system.

Ignore the other posts,...they don't get it and speak from a different perspective that's all

Would finding a therapist help? Maybe give you the opportunity to work through it a bit in advance.

Don't forget that seeing your sister as a beautiful, happy bride might well make you feel a little differently on the day. A discrete cry will also look exactly like happy tears even if yours are more sentimental, especially if you put on a smile. Wailing and gnashing of teeth is totally inappropriate and aguably best if you decline to attend in that case.

It's a big life occasion and it's going to bring up emotions and memories. If I saw a bridesmaid/ sister of the bride having a good cry, I wouldn't judge.