Page 15 | DH threw a tantrum and so I'm taking a pause

ShelleyCarpenter · 15/05/2025 00:20

Eenameenadeeka · 13/05/2025 02:02

The tantrum sounds like a big reaction and obviously not okay but it sounds like maybe he feels a bit unappreciated? If he's working hard and also helping with the kids and chores as well, im not sure how via a txt message "wow that's not fair" can come across as a joke because it seems like quite a criticism of him? Like if he's already feeling quite stressed and stretched a bit thin, being told that he should also do more is making him feel not good enough?
i think if he's working full time, and you are home with the baby, (6 year old at school presumably?) you do have the chance to rest while the baby naps, i think it's pretty common as a Mum home with baby to take all the wakings while Dad works full time.
I think an open conversation about how you divide tasks or how he is managing is in order, I'd try and talk and resolve the issue rather than disappearing with the children.

This 100%

Strawberry47 · 15/05/2025 03:56

BombayBicycleclub · 13/05/2025 02:58

You sound horrible. Did you have to hang him out to dry like that? Also going away with the kids to punish him and him Coming home to an ‘empty nest’ is devious and disgusting.

He is the one getting aggressive around a 6 year old little girl and he is the one showing aggression around her family. Mum is not horrible for putting a stop to that behaviour! They both might be exhausted that is no excuse he could get violent with mum before long. Domestic violence is unacceptable full stop.

Strawberry47 · 15/05/2025 04:02

Didimum · 13/05/2025 17:09

6yr olds will cry whenever they are reprimanded. Interesting how the OP first described it as 'he'd never fully yell at her it was always raised voices and irrelevant threats and punishments' to 'shouting daily and making her cry'.

And 'Speaking in this way isn't normal for him' – so if it's not normal then something exceptional is going on.

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I remember the Chris Watts murder case. He resented his girls and the mother look what happened there!

Funnyduck60 · 15/05/2025 07:19

So you're using valuable family money to stay in a hotel? Meals out as well I assume? Your daughter will be stuck in one room with a baby? He's stressed. Maybe give him a bit more credit? When will he get to stay in a hotel for 2 nights? You sound rather flakey to me. Ditch the gentle parenting. It's not for every and I think you sound like you call the shots in your house.

Ellejay67 · 15/05/2025 07:52

Funnyduck60 · 15/05/2025 07:19

So you're using valuable family money to stay in a hotel? Meals out as well I assume? Your daughter will be stuck in one room with a baby? He's stressed. Maybe give him a bit more credit? When will he get to stay in a hotel for 2 nights? You sound rather flakey to me. Ditch the gentle parenting. It's not for every and I think you sound like you call the shots in your house.

Exactly that. Sounds horrible.

Ellejay67 · 15/05/2025 07:53

Strawberry47 · 15/05/2025 04:02

I remember the Chris Watts murder case. He resented his girls and the mother look what happened there!

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There's always one

Ellejay67 · 15/05/2025 07:53

Strawberry47 · 15/05/2025 03:56

He is the one getting aggressive around a 6 year old little girl and he is the one showing aggression around her family. Mum is not horrible for putting a stop to that behaviour! They both might be exhausted that is no excuse he could get violent with mum before long. Domestic violence is unacceptable full stop.

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Maybe he's getting aggressive because she doesn't do as she's told and the Mum is being idle.

Crazyworldmum · 15/05/2025 08:02

Lollipop81 · 14/05/2025 18:04

Her baby wakes up every 2 hours. Why on earth should her husband not do at least one of the wake ups. She must be exhausted. Why do women think that men shouldn’t do wake ups and women should be absolutely exhausted doing school runs house work and looking after a baby. It’s not like she is sitting around all day able t sleep.

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Because in this case he is going to work and she is not ? Be fair , I don’t even know what work he does but she is on maternity leave and he is not . Yes he can help on occasion but if he took most of the responsibility for the oldest child then seems fair she has most for the baby .

Helen483 · 15/05/2025 08:15

Honon · 13/05/2025 02:11

Are you saying you are not going to tell him at all, so he comes home to an empty house as a complete shock? If so I think that's pretty poor on your part and will do serious damage to your marriage. It's not the way to deal with problems in a marriage.

This.
A. You should have had his back and shut down your sister's (implied) criticism of him immediately.
B. Whilst his temper tantrum is scary and unacceptable, just disappearing really is the nuclear option. It will hurt and frighten him: what do you expect him to do in response?

Arraminta · 15/05/2025 08:41

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 23:06

She has 2 children. One is at school/nursery. The husband works full time and looks after the kids. The OP is on maternity leave. I'm surprised she hasn't stamped her feet and asked for a nanny.

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I agree. When I was on maternity leave I saw it as my new 'job' to look after our baby. I didn't expect DH to do any night feeds anymore than he expected me to pop into his office and give him a hand. When DD was newborn he took time off and was very hands on, but once he was back at work then no, not as much, because he was working 16 hour days.

It's fortunate the OP has a good relationship with her sister because I predict she won't have a marriage within 5 years if she carries on like this.

Missj25 · 15/05/2025 08:57

Rtmhwales · 13/05/2025 01:58

You’re going to remove the kids to a hotel for a couple of nights over this with zero discussion? I’d be livid if my DH just unilaterally took the kids away after an argument. You both sound stressed, why not sit down and discuss it rationally?

Exactly this …
Also he seems to be hands on , yeah you need to have a chat with him about being snappy with your daughter , but as far as getting up at night time is concerned, I do feel it is fair he doesn’t get up , he works full time , you can rest the next day ..

Ellejay67 · 15/05/2025 09:05

Arraminta · 15/05/2025 08:41

I agree. When I was on maternity leave I saw it as my new 'job' to look after our baby. I didn't expect DH to do any night feeds anymore than he expected me to pop into his office and give him a hand. When DD was newborn he took time off and was very hands on, but once he was back at work then no, not as much, because he was working 16 hour days.

It's fortunate the OP has a good relationship with her sister because I predict she won't have a marriage within 5 years if she carries on like this.

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Hi yes agreed. I mean the working partner shouldn't get off scot free and the person at home with the baby needs breaks. There's balance but on the whole it's literally what maternity leave is for. I had statutory maternity pay and DH is self employed, so no paid paternity leave. I do wonder why some people have children at all. It's not a right, nor a hobby.

XxeexX · 15/05/2025 09:05

Is he going through depression maybe?

IsThistheMiddleofNowhere · 15/05/2025 09:26

It sounds like he has a mental disorder that needs attention. I think it's important he sees his GP, although he does have a point re your sister's comment. I did all the nights when on maternity leave too as I could always grab the odd nap during the day or sleep in a bit. I wouldn't have expected my husband to do any nights while working full-time. Some women seem to want it every way - husband working full time and doing half the night feeds is not sustainable.

Flamingfeline · 15/05/2025 09:29

Growling at a six year old is never acceptable. I don’t know anything about gentle parenting, so can’t comment. And none of us are in the house to witness this and get a full sense of what’s happening. Maybe a couple of days without being harassed by a bad tempered dad - whatever the background, reasons or excuses for his behaviour, will give the child a breathing space.

LimitedBrightSpots · 15/05/2025 09:47

IsThistheMiddleofNowhere · 15/05/2025 09:26

It sounds like he has a mental disorder that needs attention. I think it's important he sees his GP, although he does have a point re your sister's comment. I did all the nights when on maternity leave too as I could always grab the odd nap during the day or sleep in a bit. I wouldn't have expected my husband to do any nights while working full-time. Some women seem to want it every way - husband working full time and doing half the night feeds is not sustainable.

What about when the wife goes back to work and the baby is still waking up?

DearDenimEagle · 15/05/2025 09:59

If you can cope with both kids in a hotel, you can cope at home while you’re on maternity leave. I feel sorry for your DH

whitewineandsun · 15/05/2025 10:08

DearDenimEagle · 15/05/2025 09:59

If you can cope with both kids in a hotel, you can cope at home while you’re on maternity leave. I feel sorry for your DH

I thought the same.

Nettie1964 · 15/05/2025 10:08

He sounds stressed, instead of siding with your sister you could have pointed out what your husband does do. Disappearing without saying anything is really immature and makes it look as if you are having the tantrum. Growling at the kids isn't acceptable, I think you should sit down or go out and have a chat were you both get the opportunity to vent without consequences. His behaviour really isn't enough to get divorced. Talk to each other.

IsThistheMiddleofNowhere · 15/05/2025 10:10

LimitedBrightSpots · 15/05/2025 09:47

What about when the wife goes back to work and the baby is still waking up?

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That's the point when it will have to be shared to keep it fair, although by the age of one, you would hope baby will only be waking up once every night instead of two or three times.

theadultsaretalking · 15/05/2025 10:11

I think people who don't live with emotionally disregulated partners don't get how tiring it can be. They may be perfectly nice people and overall good partners/parents, but their ability to fly off the handle under the elevated level of stress can become problematic.

The OP is not talking about night wakings etc - that was a trigger and that's for them to sort out - she is trying to take action about the behaviour. Because it can escalate (not to domestic violence levels), but to the levels of it affecting the overall family environment.

Readytohealnow · 15/05/2025 10:47

DearDenimEagle · 15/05/2025 09:59

If you can cope with both kids in a hotel, you can cope at home while you’re on maternity leave. I feel sorry for your DH

She is just trying to do shock tactics to squirm away from the fact she didn't have his back when her childish goady sister made those ridiculous comments.
This marriage won't last. Plenty of time for 'who does what' when custody gets split ehh?

MerlinsBeard1 · 15/05/2025 10:47

SaraG3018 · 13/05/2025 01:32

Hi all... first time posting on here but no idea what to do.

DD #1 is almost 6 and DD #2 is 6 months. DH has been really stepping up with DD1, kind of taking a kid each, since I had my second DD. At the same time he's had a tricky period and work and I can see he's more stressed.

However, it's been taking its toll on his patience. I often found him growling or yelling at DD1... it felt like though he'd never fully yell at her it was always raised voices and irrelevant threats and punishments. Just the opposite of all gentle parenting guidelines. I've tried to sort this with creating written house rules we both agreed on to help DD1's behaviour, thereby removing the need for arguments or silly uses of no screen time etc. It's kind of working, e.g. you won't pick up your toys ok we'll take this one away. Point to this is just flagging he's been emotional lately and I've been a bit concerned about the effect on DD1.

ANYWAY last night my sister, who just had a baby, asked us both on our WhatsApp group who took which nights with DD2. I laughed and told her I always do all nights, to which she jokingly said wow that's not fair. DH responded with a full tantrum. Excerpts from the tantrum include him saying 'what is maternity leave for, doing f all, am I to give birth then sit around doing f all while he looks after DD1 goes to work does chores and now is expected to also look after DD2 at night, did our mother not teach us anything, why don't I just f'ing marry my sister's husband if he's so perfect'... he stomped about literally kicking toys across the room. Speaking in this way isn't normal for him but in the early days of marriage ten years ago I did have to calm these sorts of outbursts during arguments. I thought he had mellowed out.

I didn't say a word on response to ask this but have quietly booked myself and the girls a hotel for a couple nights. He's going to come home tomorrow to an empty nest.

SO my question. I feel like i can't stand for this type of emotional un-regulation.. but for the kids' sake... should I? AIBU? Despite tonight and the bad moods with DD1 overall he's a very thoughtful and loving father to them. Am I overreacting?

You're as bad as each other. POOR KIDS.

Lolapusht · 15/05/2025 10:57

Christ, this thread has turned into a bin fire!!

Cel119 · 15/05/2025 11:23

SaraG3018 · 13/05/2025 01:32

Hi all... first time posting on here but no idea what to do.

DD #1 is almost 6 and DD #2 is 6 months. DH has been really stepping up with DD1, kind of taking a kid each, since I had my second DD. At the same time he's had a tricky period and work and I can see he's more stressed.

However, it's been taking its toll on his patience. I often found him growling or yelling at DD1... it felt like though he'd never fully yell at her it was always raised voices and irrelevant threats and punishments. Just the opposite of all gentle parenting guidelines. I've tried to sort this with creating written house rules we both agreed on to help DD1's behaviour, thereby removing the need for arguments or silly uses of no screen time etc. It's kind of working, e.g. you won't pick up your toys ok we'll take this one away. Point to this is just flagging he's been emotional lately and I've been a bit concerned about the effect on DD1.

ANYWAY last night my sister, who just had a baby, asked us both on our WhatsApp group who took which nights with DD2. I laughed and told her I always do all nights, to which she jokingly said wow that's not fair. DH responded with a full tantrum. Excerpts from the tantrum include him saying 'what is maternity leave for, doing f all, am I to give birth then sit around doing f all while he looks after DD1 goes to work does chores and now is expected to also look after DD2 at night, did our mother not teach us anything, why don't I just f'ing marry my sister's husband if he's so perfect'... he stomped about literally kicking toys across the room. Speaking in this way isn't normal for him but in the early days of marriage ten years ago I did have to calm these sorts of outbursts during arguments. I thought he had mellowed out.

I didn't say a word on response to ask this but have quietly booked myself and the girls a hotel for a couple nights. He's going to come home tomorrow to an empty nest.

SO my question. I feel like i can't stand for this type of emotional un-regulation.. but for the kids' sake... should I? AIBU? Despite tonight and the bad moods with DD1 overall he's a very thoughtful and loving father to them. Am I overreacting?

I think you're overreacting and expecting too much from him which is showing in his reaction. Also, the booking into a hotel without telling him seems a little attention seeking and childish, but do what you want. If you want to make it drama then so be it. I truly hope he doesn't contact asking where you are as I gather that's what you're hoping for. Child birth and new born are just a stressful for dads. I bet I get the feminists blasting me up on this... oh well.