DH threw a tantrum and so I'm taking a pause

[SaraG3018]

Hi all... first time posting on here but no idea what to do.

DD #1 is almost 6 and DD #2 is 6 months. DH has been really stepping up with DD1, kind of taking a kid each, since I had my second DD. At the same time he's had a tricky period and work and I can see he's more stressed.

However, it's been taking its toll on his patience. I often found him growling or yelling at DD1... it felt like though he'd never fully yell at her it was always raised voices and irrelevant threats and punishments. Just the opposite of all gentle parenting guidelines. I've tried to sort this with creating written house rules we both agreed on to help DD1's behaviour, thereby removing the need for arguments or silly uses of no screen time etc. It's kind of working, e.g. you won't pick up your toys ok we'll take this one away. Point to this is just flagging he's been emotional lately and I've been a bit concerned about the effect on DD1.

ANYWAY last night my sister, who just had a baby, asked us both on our WhatsApp group who took which nights with DD2. I laughed and told her I always do all nights, to which she jokingly said wow that's not fair. DH responded with a full tantrum. Excerpts from the tantrum include him saying 'what is maternity leave for, doing f all, am I to give birth then sit around doing f all while he looks after DD1 goes to work does chores and now is expected to also look after DD2 at night, did our mother not teach us anything, why don't I just f'ing marry my sister's husband if he's so perfect'... he stomped about literally kicking toys across the room. Speaking in this way isn't normal for him but in the early days of marriage ten years ago I did have to calm these sorts of outbursts during arguments. I thought he had mellowed out.

I didn't say a word on response to ask this but have quietly booked myself and the girls a hotel for a couple nights. He's going to come home tomorrow to an empty nest.

SO my question. I feel like i can't stand for this type of emotional un-regulation.. but for the kids' sake... should I? AIBU? Despite tonight and the bad moods with DD1 overall he's a very thoughtful and loving father to them. Am I overreacting?

Let's stick with relevant subject of the posters circumstances and the ages of her children

I beg to differ.

But completely acceptable taking the children away from their Dad? Wtf are they going to think about that? To a strange place.....f weird and 100 times worse than a temper tantrum.

Does he feel he's being ganged up on? And this 'creating written house rules'? Were they discussed, or were they proclaimed by you unilaterally?

100% agree with all you've said and also sounds like the OP's daughters are being brought up to be the same pain in the arses that their Mum and Aunt are

Beg as much as you like

You charmer you.

Very difficult to converse with a man who reacts with a fullblown temper tantrum whenever he hears something he doesn't like.

She really does. Maybe you should have a word with her to mind her own, OP. You marriage might be better for it.

DH threw his toys out the pram, and you’re literally now taking them away in a fit of pique. Hard to tell who is throwing the biggest strop.

Waaaaaaaay too extreme to just "flee" the situation without letting him know how you feel about his behaviour - and you really need to be talking to him about whatever tge "actual" underlying problems are (probably work related) that he's not being forthcoming about - sounds like there's more going on that's stressing him out and TBH you don't really seem to be interested enough to try to find out.......

Go get yourself out and have some breathing space. You might like being on your own. If you feel you'd be better off alone with the girls , then do something about it. First talk to him see if he's prepared to get help. The shock if coming home to an empty house might be all that's needed , good luck!

If you're going to pull this stunt, I'd fill the fridge with beer and leave a note saying, "I think you need some time to relax and think through your ability to keep all the plates spinning, I love you and I know you can work on being super calm around the kids." But having said that, I still think he'll see it as a trial separation... Whince face.

Poor bloke- seriously- what do you expect?

Kids? How can a 6 month old be a spoilt brat?

He has lost his temper because he is fed up of working, chores and childcare and above all being joked about. Not on.

I wonder if he is struggling with his mental health. PND can happen to men and can also manifest in forms other than sadness, it can be irrational, angry, anxious aswell. It sounds to me that you are going through a tough period and you need to communicate/seek support. I don’t think leaving right now is the answer but if he is still like this after support etc then perhaps you do want to consider what your daughters are being exposed to. Xx

Why on Earth would your sister reply 'Wow, that's unfair' on an open chat group that she knew your DH would read? Not very adult and probably intended to be contentious, yes? Don't mock your DH to others and don't let them mock him to you. Just don't do that. Have some respect and some integrity.

Any issues you have with your DH should be discussed privately, just the two of you. Not thrown open to debate with family members.

Yes, your DH over reacted, but do you have form for involving your sister in your problems? Also, you don't sound very adult or mature yourself. Having to write up Official House Rules (did you use pretty, glittery marker pens?), gentle parenting nonsense and now swanning off to a hotel to 'punish' your DH?

Neither of you are shown in a good light here, but in balance my sympathies lie with your DH.

I’d say I am the un-regulated one in my marriage, and DH tried to de-escalate situations more often than I do. But if he takes DS to a hotel without any warning after an argument, I’ll be ready to fight.
You both sound exhausted and exhausting.
The joke backfired. If what you meant is that you do all
night because you exclusively breastfed…that’s fair enough, but you belittled him big time there, if as you say, he’s a good father.

The fact that you describe him losing his cool at what he clearly perceived to be unfair comments as "having a tantrum" says everything about how little respect or regard you have for the poor man. And sneaking off to a hotel is disgusting behaviour. I feel for him. It's hard to see a future for your relationship if this is how you care for your partner.

Why on Earth would your sister reply 'Wow, that's unfair' on an open chat group that she knew your DH would read?

Probably because OP has been obviously complaining to them about how unfair it all is on her, and hamming up how tired she is, while disregarding everything her husband is doing, so they've taken it upon themselves to intervene on her behalf, while she sits there silently and lets them do it for her.

OP is obviously conflict averse, it is why she hasn't had a raised any of these points with her DH in a calm reasonable manner, it is why she is following 'gentle parent' guidelines, and it is why she thinks her DH using a 'raised voice' is 'yelling'.. it also explains why her solution to his blow up is to say nothing to her DH, but secretly remove his children from him for a few days as punishment.

Agree with every word.

Sounds like a deep talk with DH is needed where you can BOTH express feelings. He shouldn't have lost his temper but ultimately, if provoked enough, humans are not machines and very occasionally emotions can run away. I am a great believer in using logic and intelligence to override emotions when those emotions are guiding us to bad actions, but at the same time, I'd be pissed if I was doing my best to earn a living and contribute reasonably to the household chores, only to find her taking the piss out of me because I possibly wasn't a 100% pinnacle of absolute perfection.

I think you need to be looking after each other better. Is it possible to get a grandparent or godparent to babysit for a night (or even two) while you take yourself and your husband off to that hotel! Yes, he lost his temper. Take time out and talk about it.

She has 2 children. One is at school/nursery. The husband works full time and looks after the kids. The OP is on maternity leave. I'm surprised she hasn't stamped her feet and asked for a nanny.