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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH threw a tantrum and so I'm taking a pause

422 replies

SaraG3018 · 13/05/2025 01:32

Hi all... first time posting on here but no idea what to do.

DD #1 is almost 6 and DD #2 is 6 months. DH has been really stepping up with DD1, kind of taking a kid each, since I had my second DD. At the same time he's had a tricky period and work and I can see he's more stressed.

However, it's been taking its toll on his patience. I often found him growling or yelling at DD1... it felt like though he'd never fully yell at her it was always raised voices and irrelevant threats and punishments. Just the opposite of all gentle parenting guidelines. I've tried to sort this with creating written house rules we both agreed on to help DD1's behaviour, thereby removing the need for arguments or silly uses of no screen time etc. It's kind of working, e.g. you won't pick up your toys ok we'll take this one away. Point to this is just flagging he's been emotional lately and I've been a bit concerned about the effect on DD1.

ANYWAY last night my sister, who just had a baby, asked us both on our WhatsApp group who took which nights with DD2. I laughed and told her I always do all nights, to which she jokingly said wow that's not fair. DH responded with a full tantrum. Excerpts from the tantrum include him saying 'what is maternity leave for, doing f all, am I to give birth then sit around doing f all while he looks after DD1 goes to work does chores and now is expected to also look after DD2 at night, did our mother not teach us anything, why don't I just f'ing marry my sister's husband if he's so perfect'... he stomped about literally kicking toys across the room. Speaking in this way isn't normal for him but in the early days of marriage ten years ago I did have to calm these sorts of outbursts during arguments. I thought he had mellowed out.

I didn't say a word on response to ask this but have quietly booked myself and the girls a hotel for a couple nights. He's going to come home tomorrow to an empty nest.

SO my question. I feel like i can't stand for this type of emotional un-regulation.. but for the kids' sake... should I? AIBU? Despite tonight and the bad moods with DD1 overall he's a very thoughtful and loving father to them. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 14/05/2025 19:38

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 19:37

Tend to your baby through the night then sleep when he/she sleeps through the day. If the other person is working/driving/operating machinery etc they need a full nights sleep.

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Do mothers on maternity leave never drive? First I've heard of it.

H0210zero · 14/05/2025 19:47

I'm sorry but if you think removing your kids. Upsetting their routine and alienating their dad for a few days is better than any tantrums you claim he had I can see why he's having them. He is already taking the load and you should be defending him when your sister speaks like that. Not taking his kids away. If your not working then yes it's fair you do nights if he is helping with the oldest more then he's doing more than enough. You are literally teaching your kids to run away rather than talk about problems here and you will do far more harm then he has so far.

LunaShadow · 14/05/2025 19:53

You’ve mentioned he’s having an issues with work and said he’s stressed, so maybe this comment tipped him over the edge, we all occasionally have meltdowns. How can you respond by leaving the family home with your children without any discussion. That’s seriously one of the worst things I’ve heard of if you’re not intending to leave permanently. What is the purpose of leaving? To teach him a lesson?

Lollipop81 · 14/05/2025 19:55

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 19:37

Tend to your baby through the night then sleep when he/she sleeps through the day. If the other person is working/driving/operating machinery etc they need a full nights sleep.

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If you only have one child then yes I agree. But if you have another child to look after during the day sleeping isn’t possible.

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 19:56

SouthLondonMum22 · 14/05/2025 19:38

Do mothers on maternity leave never drive? First I've heard of it.

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Not miles and miles to work otherwise they wouldn't be on maternity leave. I doubt they would be operating dangerous machinery either.

olympicsrock · 14/05/2025 19:58

I honestly don’t think the parent on maternity leave should automatically do all the nights . Yes a baby will nap during the day but if you have a baby who is very needy and wakes multiple times during the night and then is demanding during the day - crying and needing to be held all the time it is Soooo important to get an uninterrupted nights sleep at least once a week.
Yes the working parent’s performance might slip for a few months but at least the primary carer won’t be totally broken.

It’s a balance.

SouthLondonMum22 · 14/05/2025 20:00

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 19:56

Not miles and miles to work otherwise they wouldn't be on maternity leave. I doubt they would be operating dangerous machinery either.

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Not everyone who works operates dangerous machinery or drives miles and miles to get there either.

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 20:01

MiloMinderbinder925 · 13/05/2025 02:03

His behaviour is unacceptable and this seems to have gone on for some time. What's he doing about it? Therapy, exercise, medication, fewer hours, looking for another job, anger management...

I wouldn't want to live with someone who has tantrums and growls at my children. He needs to sort himself out.

Edited

Exercise? How the F has he the time and energy for that?

Hankunamatata · 14/05/2025 20:02

What your sister said wasn't funny and your reply wasn't a joke - it was having a pathetic dig rather than a discussion with dh.
Then your going to flounce and disappear with the kids. Wow

SouthLondonMum22 · 14/05/2025 20:02

olympicsrock · 14/05/2025 19:58

I honestly don’t think the parent on maternity leave should automatically do all the nights . Yes a baby will nap during the day but if you have a baby who is very needy and wakes multiple times during the night and then is demanding during the day - crying and needing to be held all the time it is Soooo important to get an uninterrupted nights sleep at least once a week.
Yes the working parent’s performance might slip for a few months but at least the primary carer won’t be totally broken.

It’s a balance.

I agree.

To be fair, I formula fed which did make it easier to share nights but we did from day 1 split in 'shifts' and somehow my DH managed to work (and also to not kick any objects too!).

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 20:04

WaryHiker · 13/05/2025 02:56

I think what you're doing is exactly the right thing. Absolutely no fucker gets to scream and shout at me in my own house. Either this will bring him up short and make him realise he needs to be a decent partner and parent. Or he will react badly and you should think about whether life would look much better for you all without him.

I would let him know that you're okay but not where you are if he's likely to storm over there and throw another tantrum. Put the ball very firmly into his court. His problem. He needs to figure out a pathway to solving it. It's not your job to do it for him. Good luck.

Are you single?

WhiteWashingSunnyDay · 14/05/2025 20:06

Toptops · 14/05/2025 19:12

You are being unreasonable and cruel.
Your husband lost his temper and you are retaliating by disappearing with the kids? Who's having the tantrum here?
He's struggling and you're not helping.
Also, if you're on mat leave and he's ft working, of course you get to do the night wakings!
Your sister should butt out and I think your failure to back up dh must have been a kick in the teeth for him.
Life is hard with little ones, for both of you, but by failing to start a conversation about this with him you are making things worse.
You don't seem to have come back with any other thoughts so maybe you expected people to agree with you?

She is protecting her children from a scary dysregulated man. It’s not ok for parents to be like that. If it’s irregular off with a quick repair may be ok but this sounds like it’s very frequent and her children need to know that losing your temper and kicking stiff around isn’t how we should express difficult feelings.

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 20:06

BombayBicycleclub · 13/05/2025 02:58

You sound horrible. Did you have to hang him out to dry like that? Also going away with the kids to punish him and him Coming home to an ‘empty nest’ is devious and disgusting.

Hopefully he's on Dadsnet getting advice on how to leave her and her horrible family

WhiteWashingSunnyDay · 14/05/2025 20:08

H0210zero · 14/05/2025 19:47

I'm sorry but if you think removing your kids. Upsetting their routine and alienating their dad for a few days is better than any tantrums you claim he had I can see why he's having them. He is already taking the load and you should be defending him when your sister speaks like that. Not taking his kids away. If your not working then yes it's fair you do nights if he is helping with the oldest more then he's doing more than enough. You are literally teaching your kids to run away rather than talk about problems here and you will do far more harm then he has so far.

Are you my STBXH who also thinks it’s ok to lose his temper and be dysregulated with DC? Adults need to be regulated as much as possible and it’s not ok for kids to see this. When the person looking after you becomes scary - often enough - when you are a child, that’s a recipe for emotional difficulties. Significant ones.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 14/05/2025 20:08

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 20:01

Exercise? How the F has he the time and energy for that?

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Exercise is excellent for stress but I'm sure you have some great advice for the OP.

Partypops10 · 14/05/2025 20:09

I have to agree, you sound very unreasonable to me. Firstly, all this gentle parenting ….sometimes kids need decent boundaries and that does involve consequences like taking screens away, so you’re undermining his attempts to parent your children.

Then you undermine him on a WhatsApp thread, knowing how stressed he is at work. Sounds like straw that broke the camels back. Now you have gone off to a hotel.

I think you will be lucky if he’s still there when you get home!

MummyJ36 · 14/05/2025 20:09

“It's just been noticeable that even on holidays and weekends he spends time lying in and also napping during the day while I get none of thatL

Screwwww that!! I’m sorry but it’s bollocks that you have to do all the nighttime stuff because he is working and then also cater to his sleep needs during holidays and weekend. Honestly fuck that. He needs to man the fuck up. OP please don’t take any crap from posters saying you should give yourself a breakdown for the sake of keeping this man child happy. I 100% agree you should take yourself off for some breathing space.

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 20:13

Agix · 13/05/2025 06:08

Surprised at the responses to this thread, minimising a grown man losing his temper and walking around kicking things.

When men lose their tempers and start to kick things, punch walls, throw things etc, it's meant to scare you. They're displaying what they could do you to - what they want to do be doing to you. It's like domestic violence 101 to take those things seriously.

OP, you're doing the right thing. And I don't think you need to tell him what you're doing if you feel that's best. He's being a scary fucker on purpose. If he had a right to be upset he can be upset, there was no need for him to act out like that about it.

Ffs grow up. "Meant to scare you". Give over. It's expressing anger...he's right to be angry. Sister sounds like a sh&t stirring c**t.

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 20:23

101Nutella · 13/05/2025 06:13

It depends whether you’re feeling scared by these outbursts.
and whether you live on eggshells so not to upset him and then start him off. Whether you worry if you upset him he will shout at your daughter @SaraG3018 ? If so you need to leave. If not and he’s struggling why not let him go to a hotel for a break for a couple of nights then you can talk calmly?

I wouldn’t live like that though. I don’t care how stressful your job is- as an adult you take steps to improve it and ask for help. You don’t shout at children and kick toys. He’s an adult. Responsible for regulating his own emotions.

of course it’s relentless- you’ve got 2 kids!! That’s the gig! But I think if you’re not scared of him you need to have a firm word about his behaviour and tell him you won’t support the mental outbursts coz it’s affecting the household but you want to help him.

also you don’t need to do every night waking with every child just coz you’re on maternity leave. It’s that attitude that diminishes childcare as a job. You need to be able to function and shouldnt have to work a 24/7 shift just because the man earns the money. There needs to be a balance. It’s utterly depressing this nonsense is said now. Especially if you’ve birthed a non sleeper!! Nap when they nap is total rubbish!

Nap when they nap is the absolute answer. And yes if you're on maternity leave or have given up working you absolutely should do the majority of the night work. Expecting someone to wake up through the night then get up to travel to work and work a full day is being utterly selfish. It is also dangerous as most accidents are caused by tiredness.

MumWifeOther · 14/05/2025 20:24

Go to the hotel and give him some space as he clearly needs a break. I’m not condoning his outburst, but it seems like he just lost his shit and feels very overwhelmed. The early days with young children are hard. Let him cool off and then talk about how you can get some balance back.

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 20:25

MiloMinderbinder925 · 14/05/2025 20:08

Exercise is excellent for stress but I'm sure you have some great advice for the OP.

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I have good advice for the husband

MiloMinderbinder925 · 14/05/2025 20:27

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 20:25

I have good advice for the husband

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I just saw your message calling her sister a cunt. You sound like a delight.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 14/05/2025 20:27

So, my question is who decided on gentle parenting? Was it a joint decision or did you decide and tell him he had to do it? And you mention that you do it because you cant stand to see your daughter cry - is it possible that she needs more boundaries and rules and he has a point? There are ways to do gentle parenting that produce polite, thoughtful children. But a lot of what is put forward as gentle is just lack of input and produces children who are quite hard to be around.

Your partners behaviour was not ok in any way, but I wonder if you are reasonable and whether things are discussed between you or it is you calling the shots - which might explain him getting to the end of his tether?

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 20:28

WhiteWashingSunnyDay · 14/05/2025 20:06

She is protecting her children from a scary dysregulated man. It’s not ok for parents to be like that. If it’s irregular off with a quick repair may be ok but this sounds like it’s very frequent and her children need to know that losing your temper and kicking stiff around isn’t how we should express difficult feelings.

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Oh dear. Grow up you stupid person. The kids sound like spoilt brats. Hopefully he'll see sense and leave and kick her out round to her sister's

Ellejay67 · 14/05/2025 20:28

MiloMinderbinder925 · 14/05/2025 20:27

I just saw your message calling her sister a cunt. You sound like a delight.

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Much more of a delight than her sister

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