DH threw a tantrum and so I'm taking a pause

[SaraG3018]

Hi all... first time posting on here but no idea what to do.

DD #1 is almost 6 and DD #2 is 6 months. DH has been really stepping up with DD1, kind of taking a kid each, since I had my second DD. At the same time he's had a tricky period and work and I can see he's more stressed.

However, it's been taking its toll on his patience. I often found him growling or yelling at DD1... it felt like though he'd never fully yell at her it was always raised voices and irrelevant threats and punishments. Just the opposite of all gentle parenting guidelines. I've tried to sort this with creating written house rules we both agreed on to help DD1's behaviour, thereby removing the need for arguments or silly uses of no screen time etc. It's kind of working, e.g. you won't pick up your toys ok we'll take this one away. Point to this is just flagging he's been emotional lately and I've been a bit concerned about the effect on DD1.

ANYWAY last night my sister, who just had a baby, asked us both on our WhatsApp group who took which nights with DD2. I laughed and told her I always do all nights, to which she jokingly said wow that's not fair. DH responded with a full tantrum. Excerpts from the tantrum include him saying 'what is maternity leave for, doing f all, am I to give birth then sit around doing f all while he looks after DD1 goes to work does chores and now is expected to also look after DD2 at night, did our mother not teach us anything, why don't I just f'ing marry my sister's husband if he's so perfect'... he stomped about literally kicking toys across the room. Speaking in this way isn't normal for him but in the early days of marriage ten years ago I did have to calm these sorts of outbursts during arguments. I thought he had mellowed out.

I didn't say a word on response to ask this but have quietly booked myself and the girls a hotel for a couple nights. He's going to come home tomorrow to an empty nest.

SO my question. I feel like i can't stand for this type of emotional un-regulation.. but for the kids' sake... should I? AIBU? Despite tonight and the bad moods with DD1 overall he's a very thoughtful and loving father to them. Am I overreacting?

Wow you say your DH threw a tantrum but what do you think you’re doing taking the children away with no discussion etc? If I was your DH and came home to an empty house and no contact I’d be seeing a solicitor. You’re way over the top. Your sister is a prat causing trouble for no reason. You’ve said your DH is having a hard time at work and yet you cut him no slack, it’s clearly your way or the high way!

personally I think your dh is right, he’s working, by your own admission, looking after DD1 etc and now you and DS expect him to get up at night to look after the new baby as well, all while you sit back and criticise his parenting. You should be encouraging less screen time not ineffectually saying you’ll remove one toy from a pile she hasn’t put away anyway!! Way to go with great parenting, that’s like me saying to someone who’s taken ten biscuits, hey if you don’t put them back I’m going to take one off you! No incentive at all to do as she’s asked.

it maybe wouldn’t hurt for DH to do one weekend night, assuming he doesn’t work weekends, but doing 50% is crazy!

I don’t hold out much hope for your marriage if you think it’s acceptable to do what you’re doing because of a disagreement.

Come on OP! Your sister sounded goady, your partner already doing a lot more than most, he shouldn’t have lost his temper, but running away with his children isn’t going to help anything!

So many posters forgetting about the kicking toys across the floor. What we know about escalating domestic violence is that it starts with inaminate objects and ends with his fists on either you or your children.
I believe that her gut is telling her he's dangerous in his current state. We ignore our instincts at our peril.

We did shifts with both children in early days. I would go up to bed at 8pm and know that I wasn't on duty as such so could sleep uninterrupted. I would be on duty from about 1am. Obvs as they get older less wakings so not needed.

He’s aggressive with his kid, he makes her cry ‘big tears’ frequently by yelling at her.

he is volatile and she is afraid. All the fun cuddles in the world don’t make up for living with a horribly volatile parent, it increases cortisol and anxiety.

LEAVE

Hi
I really wonder why did you have children together?

Maybe, but all we know is that a hard working DH, who is providing for the family, who is also an active, hard working parent at home, and whose wife knows has been struggling of late, was then belittled late at night by his SIL & wife on a whatsapp group about what he isn't doing at home. And he shouldn't be expected to be doing what they were trying to belittle him about also. Like seriously, they were so out of line!!

He lost his cool & kicked a few toys, not great, but no ones perfect, especially when you're being pushed over the edge by an unappreciative wife & her sister. It's hardly walk out behaviour, is it?

So instead of trying to talk to her dh when they've all had time to cool down & reflect on matters, she is instead going to take his kids to a hotel for the weekend without any warning whatsoever, and let him fester at home alone for the weekend when he arrives home from another stressful week at work.... jeez!

Truly, cruel behaviour. Especially since it was she, along with her silly tit of a sister, who started the whole episode in the first place. Imagine her BIL belittling her as a parent on a WhatsApp group, late at night, without her husband standing up for her on the group or in private, all the while knowing she was really struggling already?
How under appreciated might she feel then?!

Sorry but the OP, & her sister, sound like unempathetic, high maintenance, total pains in the ass... and she has really hurt her dh & doesn't seem to realise it...

Omg your poor husband. I cannot believe you feel entitled to go away with the kids because of his emotional outburst. Us women have enough emotional outbursts. If this is the reaction women have of men showing their feelings then obviously this is why they drift away. He is clearly being misunderstood and it's unfair that you decide to act on the emotional outburst and not try and discuss it with him as a mature adult. His feelings need to be validated as much as yours. Poor guy

What @ThatDaringEagle said further down! Saves me saying the same thing! It’s my sentiments exactly.

especially given the total rewrite of events.

What good is it to wonder this? OP is where she is at and there’s no going back so it’s better to focus on the present and future.

I can’t believe the amount of people on here trying to excuse this pathetic man and his abusive actions.

He is abusive OP and he is damaging your daughter. Leave him for her sake at least, before he causes any further damage and harm.

OP I think I am you but further down the road.

Is this a pattern of behaviour? Does he become dysregulated and show disproportionate rage any time he feels criticised? Or is this just a phase? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?

Parents getting dysregulated regularly is not good for children and if he’s like this now, how will he cope as they become more independently minded?

Test it out a few times in the next few months if you are not sure. When the kids aren’t there, try and talk to him in a calm and measured way about something you’d like him to do differently or something he has done that upset you. Pay close attention to his reaction.

In that scenario with the WhatsApp group, he is right to feel annoyed if he’s been mocked or criticised publicly but a well regulated person would have the reaction and then assertively say how they felt and ask for a behaviour change. The level of anger sounds disproportionate to me. It’s not ok to regularly growl or shout at your child. You are supposed to be their safe base. So I have voted you are not being unreasonable but perhaps shouldn’t have publicly shamed him (but I hear you and your frustration!)

16 years of marriage and I wish I’d noticed that pattern sooner. Divorce pending because it started to happen with DC and escalated to physicality.

You lost me after ‘gentle parenting’……
YABU and controlling

WTF?! Are you serious? This is a grown man setting the example for his kids, kicking toys across the room. Regulating his own emotions is his job and his job alone.

or may be you are being sarcastic?

Its unacceptable to have big outbursts in front of a small child end of little ones dont need yelling at !!
Stressed or feeling underappreciated that's where controlling yourself comes in , I would be really upset about that.
Breathing space hopefully will make him think about his reactions to and in front of his children and yourself.
Telling him you do appreciate him and for your sister to not involve herself would be good for both of you when you go back to work he will have to accept you need more help .

Dh sounds like he’s struggling; are there any relatives granny either side that could have tge girls whilst you & hubby have a break for a night or two; some time for a quiet meal & some heartfelt talking; no criticism just how are you doing; how’s work going; are you feeling under stress, that sort of thing is he unwell or scared he’s unwell I don’t know found a lump ??? Men are a funny breed some wear their hearts on their sleeves others do the manly bury it & plod on but by doing so they turn everything around them toxic without realising it x Talk don’t give up on him yet he’s worth a bit of effort to try to find what’s going on xx

Your update makes him sound much worse, and I think you’re right to take the three of you off for a few days, and tell him why. If he’s making your daughter cry every day that’s going to have a massive affect on her, so I would do whatever it takes to make him see how important it is to stop doing that to her.

You are being unreasonable and cruel.
Your husband lost his temper and you are retaliating by disappearing with the kids? Who's having the tantrum here?
He's struggling and you're not helping.
Also, if you're on mat leave and he's ft working, of course you get to do the night wakings!
Your sister should butt out and I think your failure to back up dh must have been a kick in the teeth for him.
Life is hard with little ones, for both of you, but by failing to start a conversation about this with him you are making things worse.
You don't seem to have come back with any other thoughts so maybe you expected people to agree with you?

No your husband was a lazy POS. Ops husband is working full time and spending time with his family, especially the older child now that the little one has come along (which is very normal!)

Is there bit of a power play going on here?

I have never met you both. But l feel you are both really stressed and need to sit down together and talk things out.

Set some ground rules about expressing gripes and dissatisfaction

Has he got something.else going on he has not told you about?

Also, l think a lot of the people these days have unrealistic ideas about marriage and childten when the going gets tough Plus the stress and grind of everyday life. can make matters really tough.

I think that the occasional rant is OK. But kids need to feel secure and know how deal with it with your support. Obviously with no violence. We are all human and Hey guess what. No one is perfect

I don't think checking it to a hotel with the kids is a great idea at all. Especially with a young baby. A bit over the top

But when you do sit down and talk to him.

Mention you were so frightened of his angry reaction.That the hotel stay thought did cross your mind

Hope you reach an amicable agreement.

Good Luck
X

Wow! Imagine if he took the kids to a hotel and you came home to an empty nest? And yes I do sympathise with him on the "taking nights" thing ..I mean I breast fed mine so my DH couldn't help with that plus he was working hard plastering every day. I wouldn't have expected him to help at night unless there was an emergency.

Lol and fully agree

Because that is literally what maternity leave is. Babies need their Mums. It's only for a few months. Ffs what has happened to women?!!!

So she doesn’t need sleep because she is on maternity leave 🤣🤣 what the hell. Yeah maternity leave means you can survive on a few hours sleep for 9 months. Honestly. If my partner was on maternity leave and was only getting a few hours sleep a night there is no way i would sleep a full night. I just couldn’t live with myself. What a ridiculous thing to say.

This and your sister should mind her own business and not create problems between you and your DH.

Tend to your baby through the night then sleep when he/she sleeps through the day. If the other person is working/driving/operating machinery etc they need a full nights sleep.