Evil MIL

[Warmsunnyday1]

Who has one? I do, shes a horrid narcissist who can see no wrong in her actions, she falls out with everyone, of course its never her fault, always everyone else,the poor woman. She doesn’t speak to her son or myself anymore because i dared to call her daughter out for speaking to me like I was absolutely nothing, i mean how dare I, should have just sat back and taken all the abuse like a good little DIL. Why are they so nuts?

I had one of these MILs and I so desperately wanted to have a good relationship with her as my mum is gone ( when I was 10). She just used my vulnerability against me.

Examples include : asking for photos on our wedding day of just my DH and her family in case we split up; suggesting ( after 4 kids inc a set of twins ) that I get sterilised - my husband shouldn’t have a vasectomy in case he wants more children with someone else down the line; when we’d been married 25 still trying to fix him up with old high school girlfriends as he could ‘do better’; calling me DH ‘wife I SUPPOSE ‘ at our 20 th wedding anniversary to her friend ( who was horrified) ; lying to the DVLA so she could keep driving despite knowing she had blackout risks, telling everyone I was 50 when she knew full well I was 49 so I was inundated with 50 cards and she thought that was funny and on and on.

she’s dead now and none of us miss her at all. And it could and should have been so different.

solidarity OP x

Describing the mother of the man you chose to make a life with as evil, is a bit ott, dramatic, school yard etc

Tbf he says the same about her, he cant help who is mother is, lucky he had a wonderful father.

This is like saying that ALL women get nasty when they age. Utter rubbish, unless you Op are also going to be an evil MIL?

I haven’t mentioned anything about age I asked who else has a horrid MIL…?

One of my DiLs would say I’m pure evil. She’s not originally from UK, but has settled status, can’t find a job that has enough status, and when drunk, accused me of racism because I said many people from her country had no problem finding high status employment in the UK. In the same conversation, she said I should never have had children. I’m expected to forget anything unpleasant she said, but can never be forgiven for something I said.

My other three DiLs think I’m a wonderful MiL and grandparent.

I know it’s complicated. DiL1 is unhappy, misses her family with whom she has a love-hate relationship, and is worried about money but can’t hold back from spending. I give my son regular money towards household expenses to try and make it easier for them, but he dare not tell her or she’d refuse it. I’m just the easiest person to blame for everything she sees as wrong with her life. I love and honour her because my son loves her, and I won’t get into a fight, I just keep my peace - but in her eyes, that makes me passive-aggressive. She’s more or less cut him off from his siblings because of perceived slights, so if he meets up with them, he has to keep it from her. It’s so sad, but all I can do is keep reminding myself that when someone is deeply unhappy, they say and do things which don’t reflect the decent person they really are.

By virtue of the fact she is a MIL, she is an older lady.

I have had 2 MIL's - they were both nice. I myself am a lovely MIL, because I've always been a nice person, and I didn't have a personality transplant when my kids got married.

Sorry you have a horrid MIL - she's probably never been a nice person.

100%, MIL is “noted” in the community and I have even been asked how I manage by people coming up to me the street.

I'm grateful for this post! I have a lovely MIL- she is kind, generous, helpful, but we are very very different in many ways. I noticed when I had my DC, her GC, she was really getting on my nerves- anything she was doing was annoying, any piece of advice felt like an attack, I felt she was taking over and I was losing time with my baby, and I was sure that she didn't think I was right for her son. There have been times when I've wanted to scream! But I've come to realise that actually, my annoyances are usually more to do with me and not her- the mother in me wanted my baby with me all the time, and I was getting riled up because she too felt like the baby was hers. And he is hers, in a way- he is her GC- which isn't the same as being a parent, but is an important role nonetheless.

I think that there was a time in our relationship where we could have taken against one another, and no doubt we'd be misdiagnosing one another with narcissism and calling one another horrible names- but we both saw that we were only doing our best, and doing it in a different way to one another.

I don't think anyone can ever say that they behave impeccably towards others all the time, so that's a red flag for me in previous posts, to be honest.

Thank you for this insight. I believe MIL is deeply unhappy and insecure which explains why she has fallen out with everyone and just cannot see the positive in anything.

People who have no experience of a narcissistic or enmeshed family set up can’t imagine how awful it can be - hence the trite ‘two sides to every story’ comments. My MIL started on me 25 years ago (I too married her favourite of 4 sons) - a litany of complaints about me sent in letter form at a time when I was vulnerable- pregnant, looking after babies etc. Multiple attempts to drive a wedge between DH and me for essentially not doing everything she demanded in terms of attention and being his priority.

Lockdown was a blessing and gave him to the space to see things clearly and do counselling. Her behaviour since he put boundaries in place has escalated which just reinforces the need for them!

Ignore the ‘two sides to every story’ mob - just saying that shows they have no idea! My MIL would position herself as the victim totally….

To add to this, I have also lost my dear mum, and I do think that this makes me less inclined to be accepting of MIL. I'm used to being emotionally independent and not having that mother figure in my life, so it has taken me a while to recognise that a lot of the things I find annoying in MIL is actually her mothering. It has also taken me a lot of time, and self-reflection, to accept that MIL is an elder- she does have more life experience than me, she has wisdom to share (some I agree with and some I don't) but I have to make a real effort not to dismiss her out of hand. And that is 100% my issue, not hers.

Some people must live in fear of their kids getting married, because according to their thinking as soon as the kids do, they will become a MiL and turn evil.

You were very lucky to have a MIL who could see her behaviour and could recognise which way things were going. I would 100% appreciate her if she could understand that we are 2 women doing our best, but no, nothing. If you don’t dint know anyones experience please don’t r use terms like “red flags” I’m sorry to drip feed , but our stillborn baby is a factor in the things i can never forgive my MIL for, also a factor in the reason i call her evil. No we cant all act impeccably towards others all the time, but we can certainly try and we can certainly try not to make others go through hell.

It’s not dramatic when you have to put up with a woman like this believe me

I think your missing the point that i have tried and tried with my MIL and to see things from her perspective like you did, but sometimes enough really is enough.

I'm really sorry about your baby, that must have been really awful. Huge hugs to you. 💐

Tbh i do, i do not want to be like my MIL at all! I want to be the best for my son and his wife, anything else is scary.

I agree! I'm not sure why the posters who say 'I'd love to hear the other side of the story' even bother posting on Mumsnet as we only ever hear one side of the story, but they post as though it's some sort of 'gotcha'.

The problem is that most horrible people you'd just avoid without question. With a MIL it's not that easy as it generally has to be horrific before people say enough is enough, and the son is usually conditioned to put up with the treatment having gone through their childhood having it normalised. Spitefulness is usually more directed from women to women in general too, and if it's from the mum the DD will have the say in how much she sees her, but when it's from the MIL they usually have to put up with it until their DH has had enough too.

There are plenty of lovely MILs, but when they're horrible it's a very hard dynamic.

When dh and I first got together MIL was not impressed, I was the wanton Scottish woman stopping her little boy from moving back to Belfast (dh was never moving back!!). When we got engaged she cried, and they weren’t happy tears. Dh had to sit her down and explain that I was his choice and he didn’t appreciate her attitude. She did start to behave better then and I made a massive effort too, to build our relationship.
Then I produced 3 beautiful grandchildren and now I can do no wrong (25 years on!!). We have a great relationship, call each other most weeks (we still live in Scotland, she still lives in Belfast) and visit often.

My MIL is no saint but my mother is the evil one and her behaviour grew worse with each passing year. I spent my entire childhood in knots and half my adult life trying to earn her very conditional love. She is a complete misery who only ever lights up when she is gossiping and criticizing others. Breaks my heart to see the way my father enables her behaviour, never standing up for himself and never standing up for his children even when we were young.

None of their children to speak to them any more. We never disrespected them, but quietly slipped away to get away from the cruelty and damage. They have lost all their children and grandchildren. Hope it was worth it to them. Meanwhile, we all can finally breathe without that poison in our lives!

People who have never lived with narcissistic abuse truly cannot even imagine. It is daily, it is relentless, and just when you think you are having a "good" day, it flips without warning. There is the saying "walking on eggshells" for a reason. Who should have to live their life this way, at the mercy of someone's cruelty, tantrums, manipulations, and complete lack of accountability or desire to change for the sake of the relationship. Yes, there are two sides to every story, but a relationship is also two-sided--and with a narcissist it is one-sided.

How on earth do you know that OP's MIL isn't badmouthing OP to all and sundry? Do you know OP's MIL in real life? How is OP 'getting her story in first' when we don't know OP's MIL and will never meet her? You sounds as though you think that OP and her MIL were both dashing to their keyboards to post on here and OP got there first, thus proving that she is the instigator rather than the victim.

Thank you! This, this is exactly what describes her “a relationship is two, but with a narcissist its one sided” this is exactly it! If i raised anything with her, it would be how dare i, never lets talk about it, she would always be perfect, I was awful, if her son did something that hurt her (never ever on purpose but just without thinking, such as not telling her something) she would cause havoc, absolute havoc, others were always wrong and all against her, it was so so tiresome.

My MIL is amazing
But i feel you. My mum is the worst. The nastiest, most self-centered, vile woman you could ever meet. Always a victim too. Exhasuting