Evil MIL

[Warmsunnyday1]

Who has one? I do, shes a horrid narcissist who can see no wrong in her actions, she falls out with everyone, of course its never her fault, always everyone else,the poor woman. She doesn’t speak to her son or myself anymore because i dared to call her daughter out for speaking to me like I was absolutely nothing, i mean how dare I, should have just sat back and taken all the abuse like a good little DIL. Why are they so nuts?

Me too.
Mine isn't evil she's just a 65 yr old child. Sulks, cries and needs to be centre of attention and "special"at every turn.
Also treats my husband like shit 😡

Also, MIL has fallen out with nearly every single family member. She drove away all 5 of her sil’s so her poor husband has no relationship with his sisters.. she has fallen out with her husbands brother and despises him, she fell out with her own brother and SiL but of course it was all their fault, she fell out with her son in laws parents when her son in laws father was just diagnosed with terminal cancer so SIL stays well clear and has moved his family (one of her daughters and children) far away from her. She has fallen out with my father and completely ignores my brother, just because he is my brother. So yes your experience is valid, but it is just not the case here.

I bet the DIL I know would say the same, but her "jaw drop to the floor" anecdotes are exaggerated and twisted. She also bangs on about people hating her/being intimidated by her "telling the truth", which if anyone claims people are pur-off by their "truth telling" it's pretty much a universal cue that they're the dick and people can't be bothered with their shit anymore.

I don't know anything about you and your MIL so not saying your example isn't real.

But because of my friends experience, I absolutely cannot stand the pile on you get with these threads because you only get one (often warped) side of the story. It then eggs the "victim" on, thinking they are right and have done no wrong whereas in real life, people might nod along to their delusions but don't actually believe the nonsense.

My MIL is very good at teaching me all the things you should never do because of similar behaviour you described. But in my case its not a MIL issue just a her issue and my DH keeps her at arms length and my SIL hasn't spoken to her for 18 months because they needed to move for financial reasons and she's still "punishing them" with silent treatment.

As for her relationship with her GC well she has one to her friends and social media reality is very different. Didn't send so much as a card or text for their birthdays, never calls (DH gave up being the one to instigate) and hasn't seen them in 9 months. Obviously the woe is me story comes out to anyone who will listen but even her sister has cottoned on that it's all lies and has stopped asking DH or his sister to try and mend.

If she's an actual narcissist then she would not be ashamed, and would be spinning the story to make you the evil DIL.

Thats fine that you cannot stand them, maybe you have never been treated so poorly by a MIL. But in my case I have lost my own mother so have absolutely no one in real life I can talk to about issues that have seriously seriously hurt me. If i had her I would not be posting here, I would be talking to her and asking for her advice and leaning on her. I cant do that, so i have posted here to off load and share similar stories with other DIL’s who have had a hard time through absolutely no fault of their own. I am a massive self reflector and a people pleaser, I akways look back at situations and ask myself what could I have done better. But honestly? There is nothing I could have done to warrant the disrespect i recieved. I dont know of anyone else in my life who would treat me that way, and it hurts that it comes from someone who should love family.

There are some very unpleasant people in the world. Some of them are MILs. Despite mumsnet’s beliefs, there is no correlation.

One day, most of you will be MILs. The MIL-trashers will probably be on here complaining about the DIL-from-hell. Just saying.

Mine is the same, she’s 80 ish and Karma is coming….
After 30 years of treating me appallingly, my kids now won’t see her. They’re never around for her, shut her down when she starts up. She cries that’s she’s unloved. My Dd said to her, that she only comes for the free lunch and Mum abuse.
I was admonished for bringing my Dd up badly.. 😜

I had this for years.

there were many times me and dh came to blows because of their sneaky rude and manipulating behaviour and it did cause issues for us.
we went through a rocky patch just before lockdown and I remember saying to him that if the situation doesn’t change we would be divorcing because I no longer would tolerate them and their toxic behaviour as my kids were getting older.

we went into lockdown and it stopped the uninvited visits and turning up whenever they felt like it and taking over the garden etc.

it drifted off from that really and the second time we did see them after lockdown dh realised that actually he’s tolerated far too much,an argument between him and dparents erupted and he threw them out and told them they either behave or they don’t come.

they came once more on an invited visit and when they left dh literally breathed a sigh of relief and realised that’s what had been happening for years.

Now he won’t put up with anything and his patience for the whining is at zero.

they now don’t turn up when they like nor do they get the opportunity to comment on anything in our lives and it’s bliss

“I feel she’s jealous of me because I’m with her favourite son”

I never understand this. I’m a MIL and I only have one son, but he has a lovely little family - delightful wife and two children - so why would I want him to be anything other than happy? My DIL is very close to her own mother and also lives a lot nearer so naturally sees her more often, and I could wish to see them a little more frequently, but I really don’t understand MILs who are jealous of their DIL. Surely your job as a mother is to raise your son to go out in the world, find some nice girl and have his own family? (And to remember all the things that your own MIL did that irritated you!)

Yes, and at some point in time, the evil MILs must have been DILs...

The "woe is me" story is usually the dead giveaway as to who is at fault.

Hence my stance on these threads. Someone genuine might ask for advice on how to deal with a difficult relative, but rarely are the tales of how awful MIL/DIL/SIL are and asking others to chime in and be an echo chamber, innocent.

And at that point maybe that woman didn't define herself by a matriarchal sense of superiority, that made it impossible to have compromise, or a drama free family life. People often change for the worse as they get older.

They refuse to keep up with an evolving world, and become impossible to make happy without someone else having to sacrifice for it. It's wrong to enable a bully, or a narcissist or an abuser, just because they're the oldest woman of a family. Especially around grand kids.

No one deserves to be treated poorly, you do know that right?

Just here on behalf of all lovely MIL's.

All MIL are not horrible and threads like this which attempt to paint all MIL in a bad light are unhelpful.

There are good and bad people in all relationships and there are some ppl that just don't get on.
You marry a person and get their whole family and I think ppl are quick to take offence and dig in a position. it's a long old life and it is much easier to rub along-even if you will never be kindred spirits.

It gets very emotive on both sides-and we have seen plenty of threads on here from both perspectives.

I adore my DIL and DIL to be. They are very different personalities and we all get on brilliantly.

I know I am lucky but I also know I do my absolute best to stay lucky!

Yes and I am 100% grateful to my MIL for showing me exactly what NOT to do. I have told my husband that if he ever catches me speaking to our Son, how she speaks to him, or if I ever speak to our sons wife, how she spoke to me, to give me a massive slap and tell me to pull myself together and be better.

You sound like my wonderful wise mother, and I wish I had a person like you as a mother in law 💖

My PILs are awful. They’re such an inspiration to be positively angelic towards any partners my children bring home.

"it is much easier to rub along-even if you will never be kindred spirits."

I guess it depends on how much you value people respecting your boundaries, and your peace. We keep my MIL at a great distance, my BIL didn't, and now her meddling is absolutely the reason for his wife divorcing him. It's been like watching a slow motion car crash from a distance.

Also, there is only so much a good person can take. Most of these threads are an explosion of internalised feelings and tounge biting and putting up with and people pleasing behaviour until they can take no more. Years and years of passive aggressive comments and disrespect, internalised feelings and “shutting up” just to keep the peace because MIL is not a safe place to disclose these feelings to (believe me I’ve tried and probably so have many other DIL’s) Rather than adopt an adult attitude and active listening and respect, she would take on the “woe is me attitude” and nothing would ever be her fault and start crying like a baby. Honestly you can do nothing with some people.

Yeah mine is lovely. She's had some moments since our son was born (I get that the pushy advice is coming from concern and love, it's just frustrating that she worries so much about him when he's feeding, sleeping, developing so well, happy and healthy and we're following all medical advice and current guidance).

But I'm grateful for my ILs loving my son so much and how much she wants to see him and be involved in his life. Will be a huge help when he's older, plus if my own mum was still around she would be the nightmare tbh!

I just think the MIL-DIL relationship can be difficult at times because it's one person encroaching on another's domestic sphere (I think both feel like the other one has invaded somewhat), plus you just can't be as blunt and honest with them or as open and vulnerable as you would be with your own mum. And sons/husbands don't always see the problem, want to raise anything with their own mother or have the communication skills to smooth things or set reasonable boundaries

Just out if curiosity, you have the MIL’s side of the story? But do you have the DIL’s side, or just the MIL’s take on things? The MIL is your friend, so you would naturally take a biased opinion in favour of your friend. Have you sat down with the DIL to understand her thoughts and feelings?

I had one, thankfully an exMIL now. Narcissistic, racist, homophobic, xenophobic. All the best qualities in a person. Everything was my fault. Nothing we did was right or enough.

It chips away at your self confidence and everything that you are as a person doesn’t it? I think its worse because a MIL should be a “motherly figure” and I just cant believe some motherly figures can be so horrible, its mind blowing to me.