Evil MIL

[Warmsunnyday1]

Who has one? I do, shes a horrid narcissist who can see no wrong in her actions, she falls out with everyone, of course its never her fault, always everyone else,the poor woman. She doesn’t speak to her son or myself anymore because i dared to call her daughter out for speaking to me like I was absolutely nothing, i mean how dare I, should have just sat back and taken all the abuse like a good little DIL. Why are they so nuts?

Thank you, the chatGPT suggestion is great actually! It is not on those of us who have been abused to “ try harder” it is on those who have been abusive xxx

'Trying your best to get along' only works if the other person is also trying their best to get on, @Mere1 - and there are way too many examples of ILs doing the exact opposite - being rude, unkind, exclusionary, and deliberately making their DILs' lives as unpleasant as they can.

@Warmsunnyday1 is not talking about the sort of MIL who is doing her best, but is human and sometimes not perfect towards her DIL - she is talking about the harsh, cruel, nasty ones, and no-one should be trying to guilt trip these DILs into 'just trying to get along' with their MILs, because someone else's MIL died too young.

Me too, I am lovely never interfere, never comment negatively, help with anything I am asked. I am petrified of offending or annoying my DILs. My sons are both very nice men,kind thoughtful great cooks etc so at least as a mother, I did something right.

Thats lovely :) your DIl’s are very lucky

Families are a 'complex beast' on their own. When two different families come together (as they do in marriage), the complexity increases. We will all have our own opinions, thoughts and feelings to navigate around others that we find a challenge. That is life, generally, but the fires are stoked within families. Much of the language on here has been the language of hate - no wonder rifts develop that are impossible to navigate. On this thread the blame is being put either entirely at the foot of the MiL or equally put onto the son. As has already been pointed out, there are three sides to every story ... but some folk are incapable of 'owning' their personal failure in making nuanced relationships work for the sake of the person in the middle. I feel sorry for any son/husband who is made to be a weapon in the war between the two women he loves. Sometimes, the thing we hate most in another person, is actually the same thing that is within ourselves.

If families can't work without warring, what hope is there for the world and the wars that are killing millions?

I think many MiLs feel the same.

Oh 100 % completely agree with you that some people certainly are incapable of owning their failures as you put it , that is why relationships cannot work, and it is a massive massive shame, in-fact one of the last things I ever told my MIL was “please tell me what I have done so we can make it right” But then, if you were to witness a child or an animal receiving o torrent of verbal abuse, time and time again would you really tell that child or animal to do better, to try harder? Or would you tell that child or animal to get away to place of safety? I certainly agree with you that the thing we hate most in other people is often what is missing in ourselves, that would certainly explain my MIL’s behaviour towards me. And just, my husband /her son has never been used as a weapon, he dislikes his mother and is extremely embarrassed of her.

Indeed. I can just see the same women hating their DIL in 20 years time when they have become the evil MIL.

My MIL would say exactly the same.....so might casual observers......

Oh please, you are more or less enabling an abuser with that attitude “yes MIL continue to treat the woman who married your son like worse than dirt, absolutely go ahead, give it all you’ve got! she will only go on to be a really really awful MIL herself, obviously” I hate to tell you that some MIL’s really are horrific, not just nit picking DIL’s with boundaries etc etc. You’ve been extremely lucky to never had to experience one!

Your MIL could be the Devil for all anyone on here knows, we only have your word to take. But judging from some of your dramatic replies you clearly like an argument.

Covertly record her somehow! Then show your DH

Well I’ve never really had an argument with anyone one I know in my life, expect for MIL and her Daughter, and we did not fall out with them, MIL would start the fall out every single time, as she has done with nearly everyone who knows her, but excuse me for finally standing up for myself and finding my voice. And by the way, this is a mumsnet thread, its usually a discussion, answering to replies is a discussion and viewpoints, not an argument. I hope you dont stand by people in real life and allow them to be abused, I hope you dont listen to their stories, understand that they were abused and then say “well you love an argument” I hope you realise just how damaging your comments are.

We are not talking about the majority of MILs who are good people doing their best to be supportive without being intrusive. We are talking about extreme cases as the OP’s posts clearly describe. Some of the comments about her on here are really uncalled for and unkind.

To describe the son/husband as ‘a weapon of war between the two women he loves’ is ridiculous. His first loyalty is obviously to his partner and children and if that means he has to protect them from his DM, that’s what he has to do. I have huge sympathy for my DH - he is so disappointed in his DM and that has changed how he feels about her which is incredibly sad. If a mother truly loved her son, she would not continually undermine the woman he loves.

I can assure you we will not be the MILs from hell ourselves - we’ve observed how not to do things and will probably bend over backwards to make our DILs feel welcome and supported. Sucking up abuse without complaint is not the way to healthy family dynamics.

Thank you again @TheGreyPanda, why on earth would we want to go on to be horrible to our own future DIL’s when we know what its like ourselves 💖

You don't know what personality your future DIL's will have, so you can't be sure there won't be issues there yet. Even if you're a generally good MIL.

In my case, I think my MIL would have been great if I'd been needy and willing to let her rule my roost. As it is, I'm very independent and want to rule my own roost. This meant my mothering goals clashed with her grandma goals. She wasn't good to me anyway but I think she would have been if I'd needed her a lot.

Thats very true, but I will certainly do my best to be kind at all times, personality clashes or not x

Or maybe, having had a MIL who behaves horribly towards them, they will learn from this how NOT to be a MIL when they have a DIL, @MerlinsBeard1.

I sincerely hope that people will get a reality check reading these threads, and learn to be decent people with their future DIL.

When I read on some threads people laughing at the "snowflake" new mother needing some time and privacy before seeing visitors for example, we are not there yet, but hopefully people will learn.

Well that won’t be op.
She sounds lovely , kind and very patient and measured in all her response.
if you’re not had a mil from hell (with her poison pen letters ) yiu just won’t get it.
and I daren’t put a foot wrong with my DIL - she’s lovely by the way.

Let's just hope the DIL takes the same approach. They're not all going to be nice either.

I've been very lucky to get an amazing son in law. I hope any other children in law are just as good a fit. I had a good role model as to how not to be a MIL from my own one though.

🤷‍♀️

I read all these horror stories, but my MiL is lovely. She said to me once that she always promised herself she would be a nice MiL cos her MiL was so awful. Sorry, but nice ones are out there.

This is what I am doing, promising myself to be a nice MIL, because mine is awful x

It is really difficult, I feel sorry for PIL in a way as they have become isolated by the poison. But SIL has also turned it on DC and at this point it stops and that overrides any sympathy I have for PIL and SIL's MH issues (diagnosed but not treated - PIL have tried to protect her, but it will crash down when they die and she is 50 and unable to live with others).