Husband caught telling lies.

[MerryTiger]

I have been married for about 6 years and my husband told his ex girlfriend’s sister that he doesn’t love me & hides all his money from me. I found this out through a mutual friend.
His ex girlfriend is getting married and I don’t understand why he is acting jealous.
He chose me over her - but I can’t help thinking that he regrets his decision. She was younger & prettier than me - only 22 , whilst I was 32 & was ready to settle & have a baby. We now have 2 children - 4 & 1.
I feel betrayed and like my life is a lie.
Why goes he care if she’s getting married ? Why would he disrespect me ?
I’m so confused. Thanks for your help.
We are generally very happy and he is a good dad. We have been together for almost 8 years now.

@MerryTiger

OK, you're done. Good. Now be quiet. Let him think he's got you convinced.

Because if he's hiding money chances are that he'll be hiding it even faster now that you've indicated you know what he said.

Keep looking for financials. But get to a solicitor ASAP. Now that 'he knows you know' it's imperative you get legal advice.

He’s spending a lot of time in his study - no doubt hiding any evidence.
Solicitors appointment is booked for next week.
He is still ignoring me !
narcissistic & cruel.
I must have been so stupid to trust him.
lesson learned

Good on the solicitor appointment! Take notes, ask questions. If you can write down a 'snapshot' of family finances to show them, do so. I know there will be missing pieces because he is dishonest, but tell them what you know.

My exH used to do 'silent treatment'. I handled it by turning it around and viewing it as 'blessed silence'. If he was silent then he wasn't criticizing me, yelling at me, hurting my feelings, picking at me and in your case, lying to you. I learnt to go my own way during those times and make decisions for myself.

You were/are NOT stupid! You were who you were. As Dr Maya Angelou wisely said "You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better". And you will. Being suspicious or distrustful isn't a way we want to be. But sometimes needs must. As you get further on this 'journey' you'll find that your judgment gets better and that overriding suspicion will ease as you feel more comfortable relying on that improved judgment.

Thank you for your kind words.
I will follow your advice.
Good perspective- silence is better than lies. Thank you for that !

He is stonewalling/punishing you for daring to question him, he knows his version of events don’t stand up to scrutiny. His reaction is him trying to manipulate you into pulling the wool over your own eyes for the sake of peace and allowing him to carry on humiliating you behind your back.
If it works on you then you are giving him full permission to do so and even have an open affair because he will know you will do endure anything just to keep being married to him.

He is still ignoring me - you’re right. I am not staying - using the peace & quiet to sort my head out & plan.
i had a look at his Instagram today - recent posts all liked by “ models “ ??
Think he’s been looking at girls - where does this end. Shameless

@MerryTiger

If you've decided to leave it's time to focus everything on that. No more looking at his Insta or other SM. What he does is no longer relevant to you. You have enough info to have made your decision. Don't 'torture' yourself by looking further.

Update #
he has told me that he feels that now she is married he regrets leaving her but …… wants to make our marriage work.
Can someone please help me understand why after all these years does he even think about her ?
is it ego ? Is it jealousy? Please answer , I need clarification. My mind is going round in circles . She got married so she’s clearly not interested.
Whatever it is it’s not right.
I have moved out & am currently living at the mum’s house.
Discovered the house is in his name only.

Tried not looking for a few weeks but I looked yesterday at insta - nothing to report.

@MerryTiger

But what have you decided to do? Don't take up mental energy looking at his SM that you should be putting towards making a decision about your own life.

Are you still at your mum's? Have you seen a solicitor? You need to know about the house and what divorce may mean to you.

I am at my mum’s with our children .
I have seen a solicitor & I am waiting on a further appointment once he has got all the information together . He thinks I need to go after the marital home & we need to instruct accountant re business accounts etc.
I am not going back to him.
i am trying not to look at his Facebook etc but it’s hard.

The ex is now married -
he confessed he regretted leaving her & now sees that she has grown into a “ fine woman”

I clearly just fitted the bill when he wanted a family.
I know everyone keeps telling me to forget about him / her but until I get it right in my head - I can’t . I think I need someone to spell it out as hard as it is to hear . My marriage is a sham & he is a narcissist.

@MerryTiger

I'm glad you're determined to rid yourself of him and are taking the necessary steps to do so. Just keep on doing what you need to do to get that accomplished.

I think I need someone to spell it out as hard as it is to hear . My marriage is a sham & he is a narcissist.

My lovely, you've just spelled it out for yourself and for what it's worth I'll confirm that you are right. He's not worth the powder it would take to blow him to hell. Let him moon over this ex and more power to him. You, on the other hand, have better things to do with your time, and with your heart.

I think maybe you would benefit from counseling. Because you share children, he will always be 'in your life' (but not an actual part of it). So I think you need someone with the skills to help you pick through your emotions, examine them, and put them (and him) in their proper place. Counseling can do wonders in situations where you have a specific goal in mind and that's the focus of your sessions.

@MerryTiger

How do you think his ex felt when he left her to be with you? Was I not enough? Did he love her that entire time? etc.

Now he’s doing the same to you. It’s not about either of you. It’s about him. You are all just objects that have no intrinsic value. You are doing the right thing by divorcing him as he won’t change.

If you need something to spur you on, then use your hurt and anger to get what you can in the divorce for you and your kids. No doubt in 10 years time, when you have a wonderful life and are happy in yourself he’ll be telling his girlfriend that he regrets splitting up with his amazing wife and putting her down to make himself seem superior. Be thankful, like the ex, that you got away. And who knows maybe you’ll also have found a wonderful partner and be laughing at his attempts to get you back too.

He just wants what he can't have. Has zero real self esteem so doesn't value who values him. Sees those who value someone else as worth having, their esteem worth gaining to try and bolster his. Useless, futile and pathetic. Doesn't matter whose name the house is in, you're married. Onwards and upwards, I promise it gets easier.

“ a fine woman”, I just threw up a little.

Well, the best indication that she is now a 'fine' woman is her total lack of interest in him. And the fact she finds his interest in her laughable. You can - and will - do better. (I'd bet good money that when you do he will come crawling back)

Thank you.
I was actually considering getting counselling. I think I need to unravel all if this in my mind.
I am confident that I have made the right decision to leave but need some emotional support. He is apparently “ devastated “ at losing his family and in a bad way ?! I think it’s his ego - she doesn’t want him & neither do I. Players only love you when they’re playing !
The money side I will leave to the solicitors & accountants.

Of course it’s his ego. He has clear narcissistic tendencies and in his mind, he’s the prize and his ex was supposed to pine away while he built a family with you. And of course now that you’ve walked away, that’s also very much not fitting his internal narrative because you’re also supposed to be unable to live a full life without him shining his light upon it.

Do not be surprised if he’s already on the dating apps and finding someone to boost his ego, who will be told you’re crazy and abandoned him after hearing some malicious gossip and that you’re keeping the kids from him and all kinds of other nonsense. He’ll want her being sympathetic, adoring and compliant. And, should you find yourself with someone new, don’t be surprised if he suddenly starts lovebombing you and telling you how foolish he was and asking you to try again.

He is a narcissist- for sure.
Ego all the way .
I’m waiting for the day he comes back to tell him politely where to get off.
You’re right he will be on the dating scene & looking for someone younger , prettier & who boosts his ego.
He came over the other day & I was distant ( felt emotional ) he seemed confused that I wasn’t crying or begging him to try again.
No thanks. _that shop has sailed.

The ex has got married & has moved to another town. I envy her - for getting out. Ok , he dumped her but what a bonus that was.
Really starting to wish it had been me. But , I have my children & they are my number 1 priority.
The best revenge is for us to be happy , stable & secure

@MerryTiger

The best revenge is for us to be happy , stable & secure

Amen to that. But you know, as time passes you'll find that getting revenge means less and less to you. Because he will become less and less to you. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

I found that with a man who truly broke my heart. It sort of snuck up on me, but suddenly I found that I really didn't care one jot whether he lived happily ever after or died a terrible death. Because he meant nothing to me, less than a perfect stranger on the street. That was the true moment of freedom.

Do the counseling. I guarantee you'll be glad you did. It can be hard work at times and painful. But aren't all good things?

Hey @MerryTigerhows things going? Has your solicitor gotten any further with the financials? Hope you’re ok x

OP, a forensic accountant will find his money.
It is money well spent.
Speak to your solicitor about it.
Well done for getting out.
You will survive this.

Update op hope your doing better

No, I left and then went back only to discover he was looking the ex up online every day.
Had an awful Christmas & New Year - he was in a terrible mood . His Facebook post at NY was “ like me or loathe me - I don’t give a ” lovely start to the New Year.
I think that shows how miserable he really is ?
I am done - & there’s no going back this time. I am certain he had mental health issues.

Indeed ,
You will be much happier without him on e all the messy bits of a split are completed .
Wishing you luck