Husband caught telling lies.

[MerryTiger]

I have been married for about 6 years and my husband told his ex girlfriend’s sister that he doesn’t love me & hides all his money from me. I found this out through a mutual friend.
His ex girlfriend is getting married and I don’t understand why he is acting jealous.
He chose me over her - but I can’t help thinking that he regrets his decision. She was younger & prettier than me - only 22 , whilst I was 32 & was ready to settle & have a baby. We now have 2 children - 4 & 1.
I feel betrayed and like my life is a lie.
Why goes he care if she’s getting married ? Why would he disrespect me ?
I’m so confused. Thanks for your help.
We are generally very happy and he is a good dad. We have been together for almost 8 years now.

Yes , sorry , I’m not thinking very clearly just now .

Have you told him you know yet?

thank you - I do agree with you it just hurts.

I know this sounds nasty but I don't have time to sugar-coated it:

He likes the chase you're a "pick me" girl. If he "chose you" over her, then you were always going to be in competition with someone for him.

No - I’m waiting until I am composed & have had a meeting with a solicitor.
I am very emotional just now & need some time to process this .
The money is one thing - but …. The stinger for me is him telling people he doesn’t love me. Especially since it was his exes sister. Betrayed & hurt.
Thank you

It’s hard to not obsess when he is saying he doesn’t love me.
He has full control of the business so I have zero idea about cash etc from it.
I am more concerned about his disrespect & lack of love for me at present.
Telling me not to obsess about feelings for her is kind of difficult- how would you feel if your husband / partner / father of your kids said that to his exes sister ?
It has hurt me to the core. Regardless of it being true or not - but logically how can it not be ? You don’t say that about someone you love - period . Thank you

If that's how you feel , and given that he's not shared his whole life with you eg. finances, then I think you're probably right.

You should be concerned that he is hiding money from you and has form for lying a cheating.

she is getting married, doubt she is thinking about her old ex with 2 small children.

You’ve had a massive and hugely painful shock, so priority one right now is looking after yourself. It may be that you want to have a wander over to the relationships and/or divorce boards for support once you’ve had a chance to get you head around things. There are many wise, supportive women on here and you are sadly not alone in discovering you married a total shit.

Lick your wounds, let yourself feel whatever you feel, because those feelings are valid. But when you’re ready, remember that you’re dealing with a total shit and that you have two children with him who will need financial support to raise. I know you don’t care about the money right now, but in the future it will matter.

If you have the option to start squirrelling away cash and putting it into an account he can’t access, start up an emergency fund. Ten or twenty quid cash back on each grocery shop so the only debits visible look normal. It all adds up while you put everything else in place, and with the attitude he’s already shown, you will likely need it.

You can do this.

No don’t.

He’s jumped to you from her to breed his children, He’s seen you tired, pregnant, breastfeeding, pelvic floor not as good as new, you probably weren’t as “ fresh and fun” with babies waking. He’s now thinking a fresh woman might be nice.

So many men do this. It’s vile.

Thank you for your honesty.
I do agree - I’m thinking if he ever loved me in the first place he wouldn’t have broke up with me & gone looking for her. After a year of dating him. He said he dumped her for being immature & inexperienced? In life I assume.
Now to hear this is devastating.
It is like he still can’t just let her go -
her getting married should have meant nothing to him - after 8 years & 2 kids.
The money I can sort - my heart ❤️ will take longer.

I think you need to see it as being in a boat on a river rushing down a canyon. The river splits and you have to decide which channel to direct your boat into. You can choose the 'emotional' channel and spend your energy focusing on something you have no control over and no answers for without confronting him (his feelings and thoughts) OR you can direct your boat into the practical channel and focus on the financial side, something you do have some control over by searching for records and gathering what you can gather, even if it's scraps of paper, and seeing a solicitor (which I know you are).

There will be unlimited time later to mull over and question his emotions and feelings. Although I have a feeling that by that time you won't really care much about that anymore. But the time to dig into his finances is limited. At some point he'll pick up a clue or hint that things aren't 'quite right'. I don't know how these pricks seem to get suspicious, but they do. Maybe it's some sense of guilt, an emotion they don't really comprehend so they convince themselves that their victim is 'guilty' of something. So you need to strike whilst the iron is hot.

I didn’t know he was stashing money away.
I’m going to investigate.
I do not get peanuts , I get more than adequate for house , clothes , food etc.
I just don’t know anything about the business financials.
However , I have done some digging today and guess what - ???
He would appear to have a savings account with a building society I didn’t know about ?
I found a statement in his desk drawer.
£20k in it.
i am going to try & get the deeds of our house - I’m wondering if I own any of it.
I thought it was 50/50 but now I feel the need to check.
I was in love & clearly naive when we got together . The rose tinted glasses were on .

He said he dumped her for being immature & inexperienced?

^ And, no criticism of you, this is why he chose you, because he knew that if you heard this, you'd feel the need to prove you're different: you won't be immature, you would prove you're better, you won't nag, you^ will put up with his shit and not complain. Basic conditioning.

He was never really with her any more than he was with you or will be with the next woman. He will never be happy. Don't allow yourself to make him your whole story when he is his only main character.

You don’t know what you get in comparison at the moment.

The disrespect in terms of money was an indicator of how he felt about you. If you really were his equal life partner there would be no question about fully shared finances.

I would be seeing a solicitor.

Take photos of everything you find. Copies if you have a printer/copier. And keep them safe, away from the house.

Good luck.

A narcissist only see’s people as a supply for their ego, he was with you for a year and then ended things with you for her. Did he keep in contact with you whilst he was with her? Were you moving on with your life and he panicked he was losing your interest? Was that why he came back? Did he think she was young and naive and he could keep her dangling, his ego feasting on her feelings for him. Maybe he was playing mind games to keep her stuck, unable to move on but she realised if he was committed to you and still chasing her that he was a cunt.
He is only capable of committing to one person and that’s himself, he’s great at deception, getting his own way and needs women to bolster up his ego.

You are not second best @MerryTiger the sooner you realise people like your H only see other’s as a means to feed their ego in order to feel powerful, you will see he is the one who has never deserved you! You might be questioning whether your whole marriage was a sham and be feeling hurt and humiliated right now but you had your darling children and the only thing which was a sham was him!

Totally agree.
It is such a shock.
To be treated like an option after 8 years and for him to still be trying to get her attention . Yes , a narcissist.
i am convincing myself it was his ego but I think there might be more & that’s why I’m getting out.
He still obviously considers her “ his “ & after all this time he shouldn’t care less what she’s up to. I understand what you’re saying about control & supply - but seriously, he’s a grown man & father.
He just shouldn’t be carrying on like this. It’s humiliating & embarrassing. I dread to think what else he has said behind my back - therefore the trust has gone & with that so will I be. To say he doesn’t love me - ? It must be true as no one in love would ever say that.

I don’t care what any of my exes are doing.
i am destroyed but not out !

He’s always been in complete control and made all the decisions, to split up with you as he’d met someone else and then back to you. He’s always been in control of his relationships, actions, business and money. You’ve found out he is telling people he doesn’t love you and hiding his money from you.
He has a wandering eye, (if he had loved you as he claimed when he came back , he wouldn’t of been looking at other options and acting on them) He wouldn’t be making sure his ex heard a month before her wedding that he’s not happy and there are problem between you, it was a deliberate and calculated last ditched attempt to see if she still had feelings for him. He's controlling, secretive and manipulative which doesn’t amount to someone you can trust, rely on or love.

Agree - he’s was clearly trying to see if she still had feelings for him . Would she ditch her fiancé when she heard there might be a chance that we would split if he doesn’t love me ? Did it try to imply to the sister he had made a mistake & actually loved the ex ?
total narcissist mind games.
He is devious , clearly manipulative & I don’t trust him.
I need to plan my next moves carefully.

I hope the ex has more sense and goes through with her wedding .

Can you expand on this please ?
thank you

I cannot see any point in them lying or making it up.
To be honest this does sound like the type of egotistical thing he would try & pull. He loves to be seen as a prize. I think he wanted to know if she was really in love or was still pining for him . How ridiculous.

I think when I said we were “ generally “ happy I was deluding myself . We hardly go out together , haven’t been on holiday for years . All he does is work , football & golf .
I feel like a housekeeper.
he is a good dad tho -

He's not a good dad if he can easily afford football and golf (presuming that's match tickets and golf socials), but won't take his kids on holiday. How can he be good dad when he's never at home?

So you didn't need anyone else to tell you anything really- you already know he's a prick. Why are you staying with him?