Husband caught telling lies.

[MerryTiger]

I have been married for about 6 years and my husband told his ex girlfriend’s sister that he doesn’t love me & hides all his money from me. I found this out through a mutual friend.
His ex girlfriend is getting married and I don’t understand why he is acting jealous.
He chose me over her - but I can’t help thinking that he regrets his decision. She was younger & prettier than me - only 22 , whilst I was 32 & was ready to settle & have a baby. We now have 2 children - 4 & 1.
I feel betrayed and like my life is a lie.
Why goes he care if she’s getting married ? Why would he disrespect me ?
I’m so confused. Thanks for your help.
We are generally very happy and he is a good dad. We have been together for almost 8 years now.

Very hard situation. I’m sorry you have been subjected to this too.
It is hard knowing that the man you love & married could betray you and actively try & get another’s attention.
Their egos really have no bounds.
We definitely deserve better.
What makes it worse is the feeling that so many people know that he still has a torch for her - maybe does not love her but enough to make him disrespect me & as you say act “ enthralled”

I’m so sorry you’ve been to feel like shit, I know it’s no consolation but had he married the other woman years ago and you were about to get married in a months time, he would be saying exactly the same thing to your family. What he has done in no reflection on you, even though it’s completely floored you, it’s all him.

That’s a very good point .
She was the lucky one getting away !
thank you

Sorry this happened OP. Sounds similar to a situation I went through, except I was the "other" /ex. Sort of. Kinda.

Got with a guy, who had recently left his girlfriend. Chemistry was intense, he totally love bombed me, I thought he was dead into me and "the one". He told me I was perfect for him, wish we met earlier, had strong feelings for me quickly, obsessed with me, yadda yadda.

He said some awful things about his ex girlfriend alongside all this (how she was malleable, had nothing in common, stupid and simple were also words from him) , which should have been a red flag. I was an idiot though.

Soon, he started to act strangely. Controlling? Clingy? Intense in a bad way? Wanting me to stay at his place, despite the fact he still had his ex living there whilst she was trying to find a place (I said no, as it was disrespectful). He started to seem to want to play happy families, but it was way too rushed.

He left me - it was sudden, I think I'd said "no" too many times and he had lost patience. He told me he wasn't over his ex wife (not the ex girlfriend, the wife from before even that) , and wanted to try and sort things out with her. I was crushed. I may not have wanted to rush things or whatnot, but I very much liked him. I thought I loved him (I don't think I did, I was just caught up).

Anyway, not two weeks later, I see he's back with the ex girlfriend. Not the wife, the girlfriend. I was so confused.

Mutual friend, more his friend than mine (think he felt bad for me) ended up telling me that he'd tried to get back with the ex wife, she shut it down immediately, so he went back to the ex-girlfriend also immediately... Because he needed someone to help pay the rent (apparently that was his main reason), be a stepmother to his kids when he had them over, and he was tired of cooking his own meals/chores/laundry. He fed her a wild tale of how he regretted it, realised he loved her, etc (and then complained to his friend after about how things had turned out).

His own friend thought I had a lucky escape.

He's now marrying the girlfriend. I can only hope he changed for her. But I doubt it. He was already nearing 30 when he messed us about before.

I think some men just do this shit... They need "ol' dependable" in their homes... They'll marry to get a live in maid/nanny(/mother), but pine after others. And cheat given half the bloody chance.

Wow - that’s just horrible . I’m so sorry to hear that.
I think you’re right - they go for the “safe” homely option - that’s me !! Hard to admit that & still pine for their exes , even tho they dumped them. Love bombing appears to be the order of the day . Full of wild promises & claiming that they love you.
It would appear that they really only love themselves.
Everyone is there to serve a purpose.

i know his friends have said in the past how much he liked his ex - I think she sounds a bit like you . Wasn’t really into being a doormat - which clearly I have been. Always thought it was strange he called me “ the boss “ when in reality I had very little say in anything.
Another narcissist trait to make me feel like “ I’m special “

Clearly your exes first wife saw through him -
I think by the sounds of it you had a lucky escape ! Sadly I didn’t.
Thanks for your input.

You are concentrating too much on whether or not he still wants his ex. It doesn't really matter in the scheme of things. The fact is that he told someone he didn't love you. He slagged you off to another person behind your back. That's unforgiveable under any circumstances and the complete opposite of what a good husband does.

You all sound like teenagers!
He couldn’t make up his mind which was the most comfortable bed to sleep in, and you waited around for him to make up his mind?
More fool you

Did he cheat on her with you? Don’t get how he chose you over her?

This man was a mistake. A huge mistake and I think you know that.

@MerryTiger

I'm wondering why you're so focused on him, his feelings for you, his feelings for her etc. You've repeatedly said that you aren't happy and that's really all you need to know and focus on.

Don't put so much emotional energy on what's in his head. He's an asshole and a narcissist. What more do you need to know? Focus instead on what you need and who you are. Doing that will make your path much clearer and enable you to act more decisively to gain your freedom.

Besides, as a narc he would LOVE the amount of 'headspace' he's taking up in your mind. Don't give him that, even if he's not aware of it.

Sounds like you were his back-up plan because his preferred choice was not an option.

The dating world would be so much better if people learned to be ok being single unless they got their preferred choice of partner.

That’s true - I know it’s unforgivable. i suppose I am just hurt & confused as to why he would say this.
thank you

Thank you - I agree

No , he had left me - started seeing her again very briefly & then came back to me.
There was no crossover that I know of.
He dumped her to be with me again.
He had dated her previously & it didn’t work out . Then he met me & we dated for a year.

Thanks for your kind words. I’m already hurting & feeling like a complete fool without being scolded.
I take it you have never made a mistake.
I thought he genuinely loved me and had decided that he didn’t want her anymore & I was the one.
Clearly after hearing his comments I am a fool.

To be honest I thought I was the preferred one. He finished with her. He then came back to me & convinced me that ending our relationship was a huge mistake. He wanted a family & to get married.
I didn’t have any doubts that he wanted to be with me until I heard this.
But it stands to reason that if you truly loved someone you wouldn’t care what any ex was doing. That’s why I am probably so concerned about his interest in her. I feel it shows that he really doesn’t care for me. I’m more concerned about that & him disrespecting me.

I do agree with you. I just not very rational at the moment. I suppose looking for his “ reason “ for doing this & the only one I can think of is that he was jealous she was getting married. He was obviously angry he was no longer important to her.
That’s not the way a husband should act if he truly loved his wife.
It is completely disrespectful & completely unacceptable.
I’m sorry if I appear to be concentrating on this part but I need to get my head round it. It’s devastating & has made me doubt everything. Thank you

So he had dated her previously, he likes to go from woman to the other and back again. He’s been trying to keep both of you interested in him because he loves to be centre of attention. When he left you for her, he told everyone he loved her and when he got back with you he told you he loved you, can you see the pattern? Love is something he declares to hook you in or to regain attention. Love is just a word to him with no meaning, it’s a tool to get his needs met.

He has never preferred her over you or you over her, he went from one to the other as he loves the pick me dance. His words he said to exes sister was his pick me dance to get ex interested and he be centre of attention again. Wife at home catering to his needs whilst he secretly keeps her knowing his finances and someone secretly on the side, jealous he goes home to you. His ego growing big till he feels like Elvis Presley on stage in the 50’s, adored.

No it’s not how a loving husband should act, nor was it how a loyal BF should’ve acted. He has only one love and that’s himself, the loyalty he has is to his ego. He hides his finances up in case you see through him and leave with half his money. He would then try to find another couple of women to ping pong between or try to hook you back with promises of undying love. He’s a player

I think you’re right.
He definitely wanted his ego boosted.
So , you think he doesn’t really care about either of us . I served his needs best / housewife/ kids/ good cook/ more mature - all signs of a good housewife & mother.
But he still fancies her and that is the problem.
This marriage is doomed or I will end up like many others - a sad & depressed wife .
How can I ever trust him again after this absolute sh*t show.

The Elvis analogy made me laugh !
It is very true / wants to be adored by the masses -
thanks

He isn’t the type of person you can trust … ever

@MerryTiger

So , you think he doesn’t really care about either of us . I served his needs best / housewife/ kids/ good cook/ more mature - all signs of a good housewife & mother. But he still fancies her and that is the problem.

He places no value on you because of what you have provided. If he could have gotten the same from an automaton he would have been fine with that.

Again, please stop focusing on him. Focus on yourself

I’m sorry if I appear to be concentrating on this part but I need to get my head round it.

With all kindness and sympathy, you don't 'need' to get your head round this. You may want to, but you don't need to. You need to simply accept what's happened and focus on what you need to do now.

If you saw a tornado heading for you would you pause to figure out why it was there and if it was going to hit you? No, you'd turn and run like hell, then once you were safe you'd think of these things. It's sort of the same thing. The time will come when you'll be able to think about the whys and the wherefores, but that time is not now. The time is now to secure your future and safeguard your children. And the chances are, when you finally have the time to think about it, you won't care anymore.

I agree . His words are meaningless & he is only concerned with what makes him feel good . He throws words around expecting every woman to fall at his feet.
I bet she is thanking her lucky stars that she was the one who got away. Meanwhile I’m the one who is left is a loveless sham of a marriage after bearing him 2 kids. But it’s ok as long as his ego is in tact.
I am going to start planning my exit . Forensic accountants & solicitors are my next stop, I’m not even going to discuss this with him . What’s the point - he is a proven liar.
I hope her wedding goes ahead & she is extremely happy. That will totally p him off. Egotistical moron .

He went out today - the usual.
I was left alone & looked out more financial information. Didn’t find anything.

I asked him about the rumour about him telling people he didn’t love me ?!?!
explosion 💥 denied it profusely , told he it was his ex trying to get him back for dumping her??
I pointed out that she is getting married & I can’t see why she would care after all this time - logic.
Said she means nothing , he loves me ,
I don’t believe him - I could tell by his anger he hated being caught.
Currently in his study - stonewalling me.
Refuses to speak to me for believing the “ lies “ - It’s obvious he’s lying.

I am so done with all of this.