Husband caught telling lies.

[MerryTiger]

I have been married for about 6 years and my husband told his ex girlfriend’s sister that he doesn’t love me & hides all his money from me. I found this out through a mutual friend.
His ex girlfriend is getting married and I don’t understand why he is acting jealous.
He chose me over her - but I can’t help thinking that he regrets his decision. She was younger & prettier than me - only 22 , whilst I was 32 & was ready to settle & have a baby. We now have 2 children - 4 & 1.
I feel betrayed and like my life is a lie.
Why goes he care if she’s getting married ? Why would he disrespect me ?
I’m so confused. Thanks for your help.
We are generally very happy and he is a good dad. We have been together for almost 8 years now.

I suppose I just wanted it reiterated so I know I’m not losing my mind.
The more I think about things the clearer it has become.
yes - a prick

Total prick. Honestly if my H ever said something like that, no matter his intentions, I would be out. How can you emotionally invest in someone who could say something like that. By definition it’s true as someone who loves you would never say something so hurtful and humiliating.

Hit him where it hurts. His wallet and his image.

Yes. It’s really upsetting & unforgivable.
I’m investigating all the financials & it’s turning up some interesting facts.

This is the comment that I was expecting to hear - this is the comment that I was needing to hear.
Thank you for understanding exactly how I feel - should feel after these deceitful comment.
As we appear yo be on the same page -

i know you don’t know him but what are your thoughts as to why he said it to his exes sister ?
Ego ? Does he still care about her ? Why does he want her attention after all this time? I’m just curious to your thoughts as to WHY? It’s going round in my head .
I am not trying to excuse him.
Thank you

I would assume, based on everything you have said, that he doesn’t like the fact she’s moved on and is not pining for him. She doesn’t want him and his ego can’t handle it. She’s happy so he wants to draw her back in.

Based on his previous behaviour he was laying the groundwork to tell her he was unhappy in his marriage to start an affair, possibly with the intent to leave you or just ruin her engagement. He needs to feel wanted. All ego. She’s not his soulmate.

The fact she laughed when she found out what he had said shows she is now aware of who he really is and his manipulation won’t work on her anymore (hopefully!).

He doesn’t love you but that is because he’s not capable of love, not in the sense you experience it. He sees people for what they can give him (kids, status, sex) not for who they are.

Also taking him back after he dumped you!!

Thank you for replying.

I agree , I think he wanted to mess up her engagement. It’s clearly all to fo with his ego. She doesn’t care & you’re right he can’t handle it. It’s next level narcissism.
I think she can see right through him & I am can see through him too.

I suppose the fact that he would still bother about her after 6 years is what troubles me most. She clearly had some hold on him ? Or do you think it is just ego ? Or I was thinking maybe he regretted that they are no longer together .
It sounds like he was jealous she was getting married.

I think I’m just there for status , kids & it suited him to find a “ respectable “ wife.

I don’t think he’s capable of having a soul mate.

Thank you - you’re making so much sense & it’s what I need to hear.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I just want to ask if you have your own income, as you referred to ‘housekeeping money’.

if you don’t have your own income, I would recommend that you change that asap. Even if it’s just a basic job, at least you will have your own money. Open a bank account in your name only.

Apologies if someone else has already said this.

I hope it all works out for you.

some men will just never be satisfied, no matter how perfect and beautiful their wife is, they always want more. He probably has low self esteem and/or is just really selfish.

i received a text from my ex about a year ago, asking to ‘catch up’. I haven’t seen him for twelve years since he dumped me for my friend, but he still had my number in his phone! Why?? I didn’t know who it was when he texted, I deleted his number and moved on years ago. I’m in a very happy relationship now.

just goes to show how some men keep women as ‘reserves’ for later.

I have no income.
He is the breadwinner.
I need to change that -

thank you for your kind words.

Yes , it would appear the male ego is massive. He must think she was going to sit around pining for him for the rest of her life.
I bet she is thanking her lucky stars she didn’t end up with him.
He won’t be able to comprehend that there is someone “ better “ than him & it must be driving him mad. So , if I get hurt in the process then so be it - he needs to be too dog - clearly.
He probably thought I would never find out.

i can hardly look at him .

Read up on the narcissist supply cycle. It’s where the narcissist idealises their victim (love bombs) and once they have them under their control they devalue the victim (constant criticism, belittling, destroying their self esteem) but give them just enough ‘love’ to keep them under their control. It gives them a sense of superiority which is what they need. Then when the time comes, they discard their victim with very little explanation or warning leaving the them blindsided.

Do you identify with this behaviour?

Seems as though he has used you both to repeat this cycle and his intention was to continue to do so. So yes he was jealous, he didn’t want his ‘supply’ to marry someone else and would have rather drawn her back in. Luckily she has healed from him and moved on. I hope you can too.

Unfortunately leaving him will likely be awful as you will be hurting his ego. He’s supposed to discard you and will make it as hard as possible. He will be very devious with finances. Do all you can to be ready before you tell him it’s over.

OP there is something honestly quite sad about the way you keep saying “he chose me” as if you were lucky he decided on you rather than her. That’s not how it should work, it should be like picking your favourite pastry and you shouldn’t be so hung up on being “chosen”.

I think you’re right.
Sadly - I now know that it’s just not real love on his side.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is I felt flattered that he had decided to make his commitment to me. More fool me for believing he was genuine.

What’s your thoughts on his interest in her ? Does it strike you as strange after all these years ?
I can’t think this is normal

This

Now she’s ready to settle down….

After reading all the feedback - I agree . He’s clearly not happy
and ……….neither am I.
It has brought a lot of issues to the forefront of my mind.
I think I’m done with him .

He will never be happy, he likes the chase, the ego boost and once it starts to wear off he needs to look around for another boost elsewhere. Happy home life with children is too mundane for a narcissistic, they need to feel they are powerful, irresistible and envied. They frequently try to start things up with an ex to see if they are still irresistible and then discard for someone else. They are naturally secretive because they like to have one up on other people, they believe themselves to be superior and everyone else is a pawn to be played to get their needs met.

He isn’t in love with his ex, he never was as the only thing he loves is the rush of endorphins when his ego gets a boost as it’s what he lives for. He gets high on seeing how desirable/powerful he is reflected back at him from someone, he gets high on having power over people too. They love to make out how generous/ loving they are, so people coo that they are the perfect husband/ dad yet if people looked closely they’d see he had designer clothes on and the wife/children had Tesco labels in their’s.

You might need to play the long game here. Get yourself a job and a bank account, work at your job long enough to clear the probation period. Save your money. Do your investigations. Speak with a lawyer and a financial planner. Pretend to be fine. Then when you’re ready, you can leave.

One say a few years from now you will have your financial independence and be learning new skills and THAT is where your confidence will come from.

I am an adult learning and development specialist. I got into this industry because learning and development gave me my life back after an abusive relationship. I learned new skills and studied and now I am financially independent and I have a good job in state government writing training for firefighters.

even what you are going through now is a learning experience. Learning is painful, stressful and uncomfortable but so rewarding.

you can do this.

This absolutely resonates with me.

After he finished with me

• he completely love bombed her ( I heard that he had made a big play for her and was announcing in the pub that he “ loved her & she loved him) - apparently had got very drunk & gone looking for her “ then went out with her again & he dumped her & came back to me.

He clearly wanted to make sure she was in reserve then & is now trying to do the same thing again. Good for her seeing sense & laughing at him.

I asked him about his outburst in the pub ( declaring his love for her ) before we got married & he said it was all rubbish & he was just drunk & hadn’t meant a word of it!
When I look back I can see what a lying creep he is.
Yes , leaving is going to be very difficult but I have to do it for my sanity.

So sorry my lovely you have to deal with this. I made the mistake of marrying someone who was enthralled by someone else, filed for divorce recently as I am done playing second fiddle to a deceitful little snake of a man. Get your ducks in a row, never sacrifice yourself ever for someone who doesn’t deserve you.

So —— you think he’s now interested in her again because she’s getting married ?
He wants attention from her again ?

He is hoping to get both of you doing the pick me dance. Or to get it on with her with you as the back up plan. Deluded prick. You deserve better.

Potentially just an ego boost to him, I get you’re hurt, understandable. Take your time, watch him. Think about what you want, don’t rush into anything
From experience, men don’t think about consequences, to him, it’s just a conversation testing waters

So , you don’t think he’s really in love with me ? Just a pawn .
funny you should say that - I do wear Tesco & he’s in Boss ??

It’s a bit more than a conversation saying he doesn’t love me ?

It’s a conversation for you and him, you’ve got 2nd & 3rd conversations that may be stretched. He’s your husband, have a conversation and see how you feel and how he reacts. You are the only person who would know

I see what you mean. I thought you were down playing what he had said , which was rude & disrespectful & completely embarrassing.

I’m saying nothing until I’m composed & have figured out if there is a future- if I want him ? Thanks