Husband caught telling lies.

[MerryTiger]

I have been married for about 6 years and my husband told his ex girlfriend’s sister that he doesn’t love me & hides all his money from me. I found this out through a mutual friend.
His ex girlfriend is getting married and I don’t understand why he is acting jealous.
He chose me over her - but I can’t help thinking that he regrets his decision. She was younger & prettier than me - only 22 , whilst I was 32 & was ready to settle & have a baby. We now have 2 children - 4 & 1.
I feel betrayed and like my life is a lie.
Why goes he care if she’s getting married ? Why would he disrespect me ?
I’m so confused. Thanks for your help.
We are generally very happy and he is a good dad. We have been together for almost 8 years now.

Tbh op the only likely reason is he still fancies her. It’s not impossible given he sounds like he flip flopped and vacillated between you already.

He sounds flaky.

Forget about her. She’s getting married and is unlikely to be interested in him. This is about a problem between you and him.

Is he similar age to you?

Thank you - I have heard that she is very happy & the wedding is in a months time .
We have obviously more issues than I realised .
He clearly has zero respect for me !! He always tells everyone that I’m the “ boss “ but that’s a joke given this farce .

You are right that it’s incredibly disrespectful.

I suppose if I am VERY generous to him, he can’t help how he feels; but he can have the sense not to parade it and humiliate you.

It’s very hurtful and paints him in a bad light imo.

If this is really true and not somebody shitstirring, I wouldn’t be confronting him just yet. I would want at the very least to do a little investigating so I had some idea of the financial side of things and had photographic evidence of any accounts and what have you, because he’s clearly not going to play fair in a divorce. You owe it to yourself to be armed with as many facts as possible before you start nuking the marriage from orbit.

As for why he would say this… perhaps his ego really is so huge he thinks this enough to get his ex to ditch the wedding and run off with him. Which is next level narcissism if so. But also: you can truly do so much better than this. If you can wait out past the date of the ex’s wedding and she shockingly doesn’t want to jilt her fiancé, I’m sure he’ll go back into doting dad and husband mode, which will give you some breathing space to plan your exit.

If you get the chance, I would start looking at some of the Women’s Aid resources, because it does sound like he’s guilty of financial abuse at the least if you have zero visibility of or access to the family finances. The longer you can keep your cool and make like nothing has happened, the better prepared you will be, and the less he will get away with in the end.

Don't confront him, he’s just going to deny it and you might tell him it’s over! You don’t want him to know he’s been found out incase he starts hiding assets. Get your ducks in a row first, you need to find out how much money he has stashed away, do you own your home or rent? Go through all paperwork and put it back exactly as you found it. Photocopy everything and hide it away from home in a safe place. Get a free appointment with a solicitor and a forensic accountant before pulling him up on his lies.
I personally feel he’s too secretive about his money, why is he keeping it secret? He’s lying about you to Exes sister, is he seeing if he ex still likes him to put doubts in her mind just so his ego is stroked? Or is he telling the truth? Either way he isn’t very trustworthy or nice.
Staying with him will always make you feel insecure, it’s made you see him in a different light which will be a blessing for you in the future but right now it feels horrific. Bide your time as you have to think and plan for your future with the children.

I’m so sorry, this sounds really hard. I can understand why you are upset about the ex thing. But to some extent I think there is misfocus as to that being the key indicator that he has betrayed and disrespected you. To me it sounds like that’s what he has been doing with all the money that he stashes away. That is not respecting a partner in a relationship where you are both on the same team. That is a betrayal of what marriage is supposed to be. I hope you find a positive way forward from all this.

@MerryTiger

Please, I beg of you, say nothing to him until you have figured out the financials. If you do, he'll only hide money faster and 'cannier'. Your best bet now and for the foreseeable future is to let him think you know nothing about what he's said. There will be a right time to confront him, but that time is not now.

See a solicitor. Seeing one doesn't mean you're going to 'do anything'. It just means you are educating yourself as to your financial position right now, and what a divorce may mean to you if it comes to it. Knowledge is power. Forewarned is forearmed.

I know you're probably busting to confront him, but it will accomplish nothing. He will lie, DARVO, and do his best to convince you 'it's all lies'. And if he is hiding money, then he's already miles ahead of you on a road you've just taken the first steps on. Because the only reason to hide money is so he can hold onto it in a divorce. You need to play the same game he is. But you are hiding your knowledge of what he said and the advice a solicitor gives you.

So 'stealth' for now. In the end you'll be happy you kept quiet until the right moment for you.

Thanks - that’s really helpful advice . When I mentioned that he was devious earlier , I think narcissistic tendencies are definitely present .
lt is like he was hoping she would ditch her fiancé - just because he might be available again !?!! Boy oh boy - it makes me think he actually still loves her.
I think I always suspected it to be honest . His friends have told some of my friends that he really liked her for a long time.
im going to be cool just now & pray that she gets married .

Thank you - I’m going to start investigating after I have calmed down.
I need to protect myself & my children .

I am not so sure that he still loves her. I’m not getting the impression he loves anyone bar himself. I think the women in his life just sound like a means to an end: he decided he wanted kids to ensure his line continued, and you were the route to that. Ex has now shown she’s ready to settle down so why wouldn’t she want a prince like him 🙄

Nowhere is there real evidence that he cares what the women involved feel. It’s all about what he wants and is trying to achieve. Almost like when he doubtless sees himself as deserving the best in terms of cars and other material things at some level. Does he see you and the ex as functioning humans with agency or is he so emotionally stunted he can go through the motions of seduction and maintaining a relationship but still mostly treats you like a doll he can pick up and put down? His entitlement is so wild I can’t honestly reconcile that with anyone who actually has any clue what love is.

And I’m sorry, because reading what I’ve just written must hurt if it resonates at all. You deserve so much better and he sounds vile 💐

The words he said to exes sister is unforgivable and why is he hiding his money from you? I’d focus on the money OP because you said he has narcissistic tendencies, they tend to be secretive and need to hide assets to ensure no one can get their hands on i. He doesn’t like that anyone can be happy without him because he feels like he is irreplaceable and should be wearing black for the rest of their lives forever mourning the loss of him.

no , he is 3 years younger

This is about control.

He was with her. He got with you. He went back to her. He went back to you.

I’m assuming he cheated on her and you in every crossover?

So he’s a dishonest fuck. Unreliable. Flakey. You said yourself he’s a devious little man.

He’s clearly one of those pricks who sees a woman they’ve put their dick in more than once as their property. He’s affected by his ex getting married bc she still belongs to him, how dare she tie herself to another dick owner? And it will also make getting back with her (which was always his exit strategy/ back up plan for the future) more complicated. If it makes you feel better he’ll probably shag her then come back to you. He’s nothing if not consistent in that regard.

Hes probably always been interested in both of you and is feeling ready for another change, but his ex isn’t interested. It seems your trust has been misplaced. It’s a bad situation.

That is similar age to you.

Yes - I think it really is unforgivable. He clearly has a thing for her to care if she is still pining after him . Totally has ruined my trust and opinion .
i am going to start investigating the financials - thank you

Sorry but there's really no way your marriage can - or should - survive this. He's an awful person and you would be much MUCH better off without him in your life.

Obviously he'll remain the father of your children but beyond arranging contact etc you'll be free of the toxic lying arse.

You definitely need to look into the financials. That’s a pretty shit thing for him to say. Especially behind your back.

I think you need to stop obsessing over his feelings for her , as that’s not the thing you have any control over nor will he ever tell you the truth

what was the scenario he said all this shite ? drunk I am guessing and it sounds so inappropriate that I am hoping a lot if alcohol was involved?

his business IS your business can you tell him you want to retrain as an accountant and want to do his books and get more involved in Helping him book clients , quotes. At the very least you must know how much he earns for a mortgage or car loan so that could be a starting point for a conversation ?

where is he stashing this cash ? Savings accounts

if it was just him being a drunken gob shite are you prepared to sweap it under carpet and move on or is the trust and love draining away ?

A devious man (your own words) and flitted between you and another woman. A woman who is 22 now so must have been not much more than a child, or possibly was a child, as you have a 4 year old.
Does it really matter what he has said if that's the type of man he is?

I took it to mean she was 22 at the time and the OP was 32. So the other woman is about 30 now and the OP 40 as she says they have been together/married 8 years. Doubt the other woman was 14 at the time.

she is now 30 & I’m 40 - and out of shape . She is super pretty. She was about to turn 23 when he left her & he was 27. I think he regrets his choice . Why else would he care what she is doing ?I know everyone is concerned about the money but I’m devastated he told people he didn’t love me - maybe to just get to her - but still hurts

Agree - but drunk or not - it’s completely hurtful & disrespectful.
The money means zero to me to be honest . I’m more concerned about his lack of care for me in a public scenario. Drunk doesnt excuse this - I’m afraid I can’t just forget it ?! And , that’s my problem. I need to protect myself- this is what I’ve heard . What else has he said done ???

It’s sad to say but I do agree . I feel like the whole marriage has been a sham & he secretly has held a torch for her this whole time.
I’m very emotional just now - some have suggested he was drunk - still inexcusable.
some have called me a doormat.

Going forward , I know my worth . I hope she gets married & is happy . We both deserve so much better.
He is despicable & I need to plan my future without him.

I will leave the cash side to the solicitors. I’m concentrating on healing ❤️‍🩹
concentrating on my kids.
Im going to get organised & then hit him from all sides

For those who say - can I look past this - No , because I’m worth more. I dread to think what else he has said / done.

Thank you for all your responses & help.

It’s time for this lady to rise above this & move on.
I actually think I’m done - don’t even want to hear the pathetic excuses.

Whoever said he was a narcissist is correct. Funny how a night’s sleep brings everything into perspective.

He’s lied , humiliated and embarrassed me - where is the love and respect.
The simple answer is, there isn’t any.
He is very good looking , charming ( when he wants ) and intelligent.
He will move onto his next victim.

I have heard through the grapevine that the Ex laughed when she heard what he said - not at me but at him. He was obviously trying to play mind games with her & it’s backfired . Everyone thinks he is an idiot & very immature - he’s 38 this year ?!!! Beggars belief - when do they grow up.
She clearly has seen through him a long time ago. The new man is apparently- lovely & kind & very straightforward.
No ill- will towards her on my part.
may anger is directed at him - so - no - I won’t be a doormat or sweep it under the carpet.
Thanks ladies x