Husband wouldn’t help me on flight with children because he paid for holiday

[Mumof22025]

We have taken our two children away, making the most of travelling outside of school holidays because our eldest starts school in September. Both of them started playing up about halfway into the journey, my husband was sat across the aisle and just kept his headphones in depsite seeing I was struggling. I tapped him on the shoulder to ask for him to help and he just shrugged his shoulders and said that I could deal with it as he paid for the holiday. They were causing a scene and it was embarrassing with a packed plane. Do you think that parenting should still be equal even if one has paid more than the other for something? On a flight last year, he upgraded himself to a seat with extra room and that was a few rows in front of us, luckily the kids behaved.

Wow.

He couldnt be bothered to help on the plane when they acted up, probably because they needed something from their carers (food/attention/help to go to sleep/toilet). What kind of man ignores that? And now he has taken the morning off from them. Poor kids.

This.

And tbh reading your posts I’m detecting that he sounds quite controlling and is undermining you - why would ‘we’ need to look into it? It’s only you this affects, not him.

My first thought when I read your post was that it was a wind-up because it’s just such appalling behaviour. I’m still not convinced it isn’t, but if it is, LTB, you deserve better and so do your kids.

BTW, congrats on creating an MN post that has 99% of posters in agreement, they don’t come along very often.

Are you ok with him setting this example for your kids of what to expect from a partner/husband? It's going to be a cycle how they expect to be treated.

You need to talk to him and explain that your job (I’m assuming you are a SAHM but of course I could be wrong) is to look after the house and children while he is out at work (and yes I’m someone who does think the vast majority of the housework can be done during the day around looking after the children). However then when he comes home from work, everything to do with the children and house becomes of joint responsibility, just as if you were working during the day at a paid job outside the home. So of course you should make an effort to have as much prepped ahead as possible (meal prep, house mostly tidy etc), but then things like clearing up after supper, children’s bedtime, and any final tidying around after they’ve gone to bed - that’s all equally shared tasks, unless one of you is off out to go to a hobby or meet friends (which again there needs to be equal chances to do).

So on holiday, everything is equal responsibility - we always sat 2 & 2, one adult with one child as we found ours were less silly apart and both could have a window seat. Perhaps an
answer for you husband is for him to ‘pay’ you half of his wage, to cover all the daytime childcare and cleaning etc that you do, then you can both pay equally for holidays and extras, so he can see he needs to pull his weight.

Finally, in solidarity I will tell you I had an awful flight with my youngest (then 2) once - he was so dreadfully behaved I didn’t want to bring him home at the end of the holiday (just me looking after him as we were going to visit family and my well-behaved eldest was sitting a few rows away with my brother). He was a real little shit, but at the end of the 6 hour flight, several people who I thought he’d annoyed were really nice about it and said well done for parenting and coping. He’s 11 now and really lovely, by far the easiest of my children 😂 and a perfect gentleman on a flight, just reads his book nicely….it gets easier, but you need to do something drastic to make your husband understand he needs to do more - they are his children. I would have gone and locked myself in the loo for a bit and left him to deal with them!

Sounds like you need to really assert yourself OP and call time on hearing anymore justifications in the (unlikely true) form of what his best friend gets away with because you know your worth and it’s a lot more than he’s currently giving you.
Point out that a man who upgrades himself and treats his partner in a condescending and demeaning way is not attractive, nor good husband material and actually comes across as a pretty shallow, selfish and lousy human being.
This needs to stop now because no doubt even if you work he will still deem himself more worthy by earning more.
Just think about the message his behaviour gives to your children too and if you want this for them in the future.

I’d have been done with him after he upgraded himself on the last holiday. I certainly wouldn’t have stuck around to have him fuck me over again.

What an utter wanker. Why are you with him? I'd leave and 'win' my own 'bread', rather be be married to a prick like that, Jesus.

Why are some women so desperate that they’ll put up with this sort of shit then describe the whole set up as “lucky”. It’s not lucky, it’s embarrassing. He’s a cunt and you’re the enabler. What a fucking life.

This is ludicrous- he just sees anything that’s hard as your job, and himself as the only one who gets a holiday.

I think I’d be done with him way before now.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers

Make sure you take the morning off tmw.

How can you bear to be married to someone who sees you as being beneath them.

I would tell him today that he needs to take full responsibility for the children on the flight home and that you will be sitting separately. Tell him it is practice for all the times he will be taking the children on holiday by himself, because you are divorcing him and there will be no more joint holidays from now on.

I am shocked. And that he upgraded himself last year?! Wow.
I was a SAHP and my DH paid for everything. I did most of the childcare. But on holiday? My goodness he would never ever think of not travelling with us in the same section. He would generally take care of our older child and me the youngest while navigating the airport.
I once forgot the keys to the house we were visiting. We decided to go back home to get them thinking we had time but unfortunately the knock on effect was we missed our flight, and had to pay for new flights to a different airport twice as far away, had to cancel and rebook our hire car and wait for several hours in the airport. Not once. NOT ONCE, did my DH get irritated with me or our kids (who got a little bit cranky at one point) or blame me at all. He worked (he passed away when both were in primary) hugely long hours at a stressful job, but at weekends at home or on holiday we are both parents to our kids.
I’m sorry that your partner has made you feel that his attitude is justified and that this is the norm. It isn’t.

OP his behaviour is awful. And teaching your children an absolutely horrendous lesson. LTB.

Re child benefit-Even if your partner is earning over the threshold to be eligible for child benefit, make sure you are claiming home responsibilities credits towards your n.i./pension contributions.

I rarely say LTB... I'm usually defending male incompetence. However that is a truly horrible thing to say to your wife and mother of your children.

We've both had periods where we've been the only earner. Marriage is a partnership. I hope he realises how much he screwed up. He has treated you like poop and a large sized apology is required here.

I rarely say LTB... I'm usually defending male incompetence.
Having no boundaries is such a poor flex.

Your position isn’t lucky OP. I’ve been a SAHM and it’s hard work, much harder than working. Add in that it means you have to do everything (I didn’t, my husband still did his share), your position is far from lucky. No financial freedom, no support, made to feel responsible for the kids 24/7 whist he only works 7-8hrs a day. No one would envy that.

Whens your annual leave? When do you get to sit comfortably and chill on a plane?

As pp said, arrange for childcare and get back to work. Re-establish your financial freedom. I love working, it gives me a bit of myself back - try it!

In the meantime you need to be standing up for yourself. Your husband is a selfish prick.

same cuntish behaviour, different man.

Your time at home IS work. Your husband’s failure to understand this makes him look like a reject from the 70s.

The fact that he thinks paying for things like holidays gives him the rights he claims suggests that he very much sees the money he earns as HIS, not family money. That’s a really poor attitude in itself.

i hope when you get back to work that you will make him do his share of everything - though I bet if he remains the higher earner that he will be the same and will use the excuse he brings in more money.

He’s a dick.

Your position isn’t lucky OP. I’ve been a SAHM and it’s hard work, much harder than working.

WTF? How can it be harder to do all the parenting across the whole day rather than just part of it?

he’s a bully.

Can't work out why he even wants you and the kids there. Why pretend to be single on a plane?

Long walk? Dickhead is sitting in cafe playing on his phone or texting his mates.

It's not a holiday. You're just away from home without your normal support system.

Is there a kids club? If not why not, did he pick where you are? And you shouldn't be dipping into your savings to pay for anything, holiday or not.

You need to tell him its not working for you, he isn't doing you a favour! You dont sound as if you think you are lucky. He is gas lighting you. Either he steps up or you're better off on your own.

. . . aaaaand another man who thinks the children are his wife's hobby.

I had one like this. Thought his only job was to work and that EVERYTHING else was my duty.
At first they pretend they’re not like this to fool you in to procreating with them as they want heirs to their throne. They don’t actually want to do any parenting though, because it’s hard thankless, unpaid and quite often boring and nobody tells them how hard they work and showers them in glory.
Anyway, I divorced it and no longer have to put up with his egotistical behaviour. Gross, repellent, then he will wonder why you can’t stand him touching you because every time you look at him you imagine a different death for him.
Honestly, he thinks he is much more important than you, and that you are there to serve him. It won’t get better.

If the OP had an ounce of sense she would tell family and friends about him. Spell it out that he wanted nothing to do with them while on holidays.

How women have sex with pigs like this is beyond me.

I feel so sorry for the children, such a waster as a father.