Husband wouldn’t help me on flight with children because he paid for holiday

[Mumof22025]

We have taken our two children away, making the most of travelling outside of school holidays because our eldest starts school in September. Both of them started playing up about halfway into the journey, my husband was sat across the aisle and just kept his headphones in depsite seeing I was struggling. I tapped him on the shoulder to ask for him to help and he just shrugged his shoulders and said that I could deal with it as he paid for the holiday. They were causing a scene and it was embarrassing with a packed plane. Do you think that parenting should still be equal even if one has paid more than the other for something? On a flight last year, he upgraded himself to a seat with extra room and that was a few rows in front of us, luckily the kids behaved.

You need to charge him market rate for childcare. What a twat

Tell him that you aren’t having fun and that you’d rather be home. Then tell him he’s taking them for breakfast alone tomorrow and you go off and get something on your own. He’s such a bloody tosser honestly.

Option 1.. but receive the money and put it in an interest bearing account until tax bill is due. Then YOU can decide how to distribute within the family it at the time.. Its CHILD benefit and you are the main carer.

Also. "My husband has said we can have another look at CB when we get home as it may have changed since we last looked into it."

On one hand that sounds promising. He wants to look into it together. However, it could turn out as him looking at it with you and then coming up with the "executive decision" based on some crap about being more "tax efficient".

Just apply yourself without consulting him and tell him you've saved him the trouble by organising saving it for children or child related emergencies. It is simply incoming funds for the family pot coming in via a different route... as CB with the added benefit of NI for you, instead of a smaller tax bill for him - which you will have to compensate for in the future. It's a no brainer. Maybe work out how much NI you have already missed out on and how much interest you could have got for the kids in that time. If you really need to go that far to convince him.

If he's tax saving mad... parents who can afford it - put some CB into tax free savings accounts for the children...which really build up over time and can be a real help when they are 18. How could he possibly argue with that? Its still a good tax break! (We were paying so much for child care.. it always got spent on new shoes etc and it is one of my biggest regrets.)
You are eligible and NI contributions may seem small - until you have to put YOUR savings into topping them up again to fill in the missing gaps of at least five years! It's the same as very long term saving. That money will have to come from your funds if you are working in the future. So it still goes out of the family pot at some stage. so if he starts banging on about the tax bill.... him avoiding tax on CB is effectively going to have to be compensated for by YOUR future earnings and pension!!! and also by the loss of some extra tax free saving for your children's future

My feeling is that you are going to have to argue this one out, in the face of someone firmly sticking to their convictions that they know best. So use MoneyHelper to prep yourself with the full facts, go ahead and set it all up and then fight your corner. I'd start doing that with all the finances.

Yeah, fuck that! going on holiday with young kids means 50/50 why does he get his oh so needed break and you don't? I'm a SAHM and I do more at home but out of the house & when he isn't working he does at least 50% of the running about with the kids because he isn't a selfish manpig who thinks his contribution to the family (working) is more important than everything I do. I hope your holiday improves!

I know we are lucky to be in the position where I can bring them both up full time as husbands wage supports this.

How lucky do you feel right now? You’re literally the unpaid skivvy.

And he’s robbing you of state pension.

You really are very vulnerable.

😱

Only if you marry an arse of a man. If women want to stay at home, they shouldn’t be held back by selfish men who need to grow up. Men must change, not women.

I agree with this.

I'd also say starting school comes with its own issues. I found it harder being a working parent to a school aged child than I did a nursery aged child. This is with a supportive partner. I'm now out of work and my daughter has really benefited. I can see you in a situation where not starting work once they are both in school and you could be looking at a longer period out of work without protecting your future, without a supportive partner looking out for your needs.
Right now your partner has placed his needs above your children's and your needs much lower than everyone else's. Over time this will chip away at your wellbeing and view of yourself. I find it interesting how frequently you have used the term "lucky" and wonder how often you are told by your husband you are lucky

I would never ever holiday with this man again.

You aren't a partners. You aren't in a partnership. You are the nanny with a fanny. He's very clear about your position. You're not equals. You are not a team and he has no respect for you.

Trust me it doesn't get better. The kids will get older. You'll get a job. Unfortunately because of the career break You'll earn less than him. He'll still be the breadwinner and you'll still be the second class citizen because after all he is providing. You will always be less than in his mind.

Reading your latest update, I'd return to work asap, then everything strictly 50/50.

OP this is so so wrong. I bet you’d rather be at Butlins with a husband who is loving/wants to spend time with you and your joint children/doesnt minimise your role as a mother and homemaker (and how exhausting that is)

If he wants to use his money to get free time he needs to hire a nanny. Stop accepting this. He bought the holiday for the family and these are his children every bit as much as they are yours. If it were me I would be getting up before him in the morning, leaving. And returning when I felt good and bloody ready. He can make do.

does he also refer to watching his own children as babysitting??

Just thinking about your initial OP again..

He's effectively blocked you from getting Child Benefit because it would increase his tax bill... and the money he saved doing that and denying you NI contributions for five years or so.... he's spent on what...

On bloody flight upgrades so he can avoid having to sit near any of you on flights... because he thinks has EARNED the respite.

That's what his savings from you not receiving child benefit are going towards.

Arse of the year award.

(apologies if this has already been mentioned. I didn't have time to read the latest updates and I'm finding the lack of pages system a much harder way of keeping tabs)

Men will only change if women don’t put up with their shit. For as long as women let men treat them as second class members of their relationship, men will continue to take advantage of this.

Teach your daughters to respect themselves, hold clear and firm boundaries and make sure they know you’re on their side when they decide not to put up with shit like this.

He doesn’t see you as a team, sounds like he looks after number 1. He doesn’t see you as an equal either. That behaviour would give me the ick.

Honestly, doing the breakfast buffet with TWO kids is a bloody nightmare. After I attempted it once, never again. It's like a circus, only with hot plates, knives, crockery and tiny hands.

I'm horrified about the flight. I've flown long haul on my own a few times with 2, but it's not fun. I would be VERY UNIMPRESSED at my husband letting me deal with it if he was PRESENT!

He obviously doesn't appreciate your contribution to the family, as it's unpaid work. Why not tally up how much you'd have to pay a childcare setting, get him to pay you that, as a salary, then you would be able to contribute to the holiday AND he'd get his act together and step up.

You don't have to put up with this, you know! I'd be having very very strong words

You can get your NI stamp from child benefit without receiving the money so that helps with the state pension contributions.

As a long term sahm I am appalled at your husband's attitude toward you. You are married, you are entitled to monies not earned by you, ie a chunk of his pension pot. Maybe ask him how much is in that as a conversation starter. Also at least 50% of the house.

You can look into child benefit, don't let him control the narrative on this. This is your holiday too, if he isn't willing to actually parent his children maybe consider a kid's club so you get a break.

That's the last time I'd be getting on a plane with him.

He sees you as an employee. If you're ok with that then crack on. I hope that the scales fall from your eyes this week, and you find a way to move forward with more self worth. Be mindful of what you're modelling to your children about relationships, and think about whether you'd be happy for them to seek the same for themselves.

@Mumof22025 "He says he needed this holiday to re-charge from work but will make sure I get a break at some point… " Well, how gracious of him. 🙄 He seems to believe that you getting a break is another thing he 'gifts' to you - like "paying" for the holiday. Sigh
OP, I've read out your posts to my DH and, raising his eyebrows, he said "Wow, what a prince." Honestly OP, this is not how a decent, respectful, loving husband, father and team player behaves. Your "D"H needs an attitude reset - and you're just the woman to press the reset button.

Ok, you don’t want to work until your youngest is in school. I think the brutal question for you here is - is ‘being looked after’ financially worth being treated like this?

It wouldn’t be for me, or for many other women clearly, but everyone is different.

That said, if you get a job he won’t start magically respecting you, but it may go some way to changing the power dynamic.

I once travelled with DH and then 7mo baby on a 7 hour flight. Work paid for him to go business but we (he if you’re splitting hairs) paid for my ticket. We swapped seats and he spent additional time on the plane with the baby.

I couldn’t put up with your situation. Time for a serious reset or a divorce. Maybe counselling on your return?

edit - that should say he was in my economy seat with baby!

I sincerely hope this is a windup!

If not, why the fuck are you letting this tosser treat you like the hired help? Stand up for yourself woman!

I am gobsmacked at some of the threads I read. This one takes the biscuit, you have a serious DH problem there, 100% this is not a marriage of equals. If my dh had ever behaved like we were anything less than a team I would not be with him. That is not the behaviour of a partner that loves his wife and family. Please don't sell yourself short and accept this.

hes be in the bin if it was me and this question wouldn't exist after the first holiday