My 84yr old Mum asked if she should be addressed as a Woman

[Horrace]

Yesterday my 84yr old Mum had to be interviewed by the police after witnessing a sudden death of a close friend. The death was traumatic in itself and happened abroad.
The first question the officer asked my mum was " would you like to be addressed as a woman?"
My mother was furious at this but also so upset and tired that she burst into tears.
I am so cross. I don't understand why they would ask her this. Would they ask a man similar.

you used the word terf
so none of what you say is in good faith
HTH

Because it is obvious that you are a woman.

My 85 year old mother was asked if she was pregnant. They had her medical notes in front of her so it was pretty obvious!

So why is it distressing to have that confirmed? It’s confirming an accuracy.
Surely it would be more distressing to call her a man.

Why would the police need to address your Mum as a woman? Wouldn't they address her by the name your Mum gave them?

If they needed to know for their subsequent written reports (so may want to refer to your Mum as "she" or "her") I suppose it makes sense.

I'm not clear why the question itself would move your Mum to tears (though I'm sorry it did). I'm in my mid 70 s and I think my reaction would be to answer the question asked and think no more of it.

From experience, I can assure you that when you have been through a distressing event, and are probably shocked, confused, vulnerable, upset, being asked tick-box, idiot questions can be exasperating and upsetting.

In this case, thought process might be, "Even at a horrendous time like this, I can't rely on the police to use basic common sense, park this absurd gender nonsense for a moment and use the evidence of their eyes to discern what sex I am. Nope, we all have to bow to the cult of trans at all times."

No. They know the person asking them is perfectly well aware of their sex, so it's either infuriating, or confusing (if you're 84, probably) to be asked. If you are presenting as the opposite sex to the one you almost certainly visibly belong to, you shouldn't be surprised to be addressed as the sex you obviously are.

Incidentally, in a medical situation, people's actual sex should be on their medical notes so nobody should need to ask them whether they are male or female.

Mumsnet is absolutely full of terfs and the irony of people getting upset about a woman being asked if she’s a woman when “it’s obvious” in professional settings, whilst on other threads celebrating that women in a public space should be asked to prove they’re women, is just ridiculous.

Same with my mum, OP. She was 93 and when the nursing home manager and her assistant came out to my mum's house to discuss her future care, they asked my mum if she identified as a woman. They had already been told my dad had recently died and she had had a number of children. My mum's hearing isn't good, so that was an interesting conversation. It ended with me saying loudly, "Mum, they're asking if you're really a woman or whether you're a man dressed up as a woman." She looked absolutely horrified. The manager did apologise and said she had to ask everyone that, but of course my mum didn't hear that and felt insulted, as she thought they were saying she looked like a man in drag.

Trans identifying male, identifies as a woman = made it up, is still male
Man with children doesn’t identify as a father = made it up, he still has kids and is still a father
Trans identifying pregnant woman, identifies as a man = made it up, is still very definitely female.

No one thought that though, you told her that and made everyone in the room uncomfortable. How immature and rude of you. Those poor care assistants work so hard.

If people thought the evacuation into lifeboats on Titanic was chaotic in 1912, I shudder to think how it would have gone in 2025.

Nobody would make it off the bloody boat alive these days, with gender police demanding to see everyone's passport or GRC before they let any actual women or children onto those life rafts.

Can't rely on the evidence of your eyes, see, because it's just impossible to differentiate men from women these days without explicitly asking them what they 'identify' as.

So you agreed with the Supreme Court and it didn't go down well?

Bloody hell, the world is bonkers.

What’s a TERF?
a person who believes in biological reality
a realist
the people the SUPREME COURT agreed with
the days of no debate and TWAW are over

TRAs have spent years trying to advocate for this and it’s not worked

I work primarily with elderly people, many of whom are diagnosed with dementia.

I am supposed to ask all new referrals, "Would you describe yourself as female?" And "Has that always been the case?"

At best, they laugh. At worst they get confused or angry.

Well, precisely,

It used to be that if it quacked like a duck, it was a duck. Now it might identify as a peacock and we mustn't hurt its feelings.

I used to be a lot more tolerant than I am now, but the years of seeing women's rights being trampled and young people started off down the path of permanent medicalisation have really pissed me off.

And why are the feelings of the zero point whatever of trans people more important than the feelings of everyone else, who at a time stress really don't want to be asked how they identity, or waste their time during a busy day asking pregnant women how they identify?

I'd hate you so much if I got the vibe you thought that was a reasonable question to ask.

My dh had a job interview for the police in a specialist role he’s very experienced in (although not done it for the police before). The whole interview was what would you advise in xyz scenarios and all of them involved trans. He said they’re so obsessed but also terrified of getting it wrong that he felt they were hoping to get a trans candidate. Dh is compassionate and respectful towards those with different views but also an advocate of women’s rights (3 daughters). He’s also a man of logic… he didn’t get the job (none of the candidates did - all white males) but he came away saying he couldn’t work in that environment.

You just ask “how would you like me to refer to you?” and that is the opportunity to say a nickname, confirm name pronunciation or add any bonkers pronoun you feel like that day. Healthcare staff cannot win so all they can do is be compassionate.

My 14 year old daughter recently had to speak to the call handler when we called 111 for tonsillitis and and one of the first questions they asked was about how she identified. 😫

She could barely speak as her throat was so sore so she was grumpy they were asking unnecessary questions.

It’s just a modern politeness. Making any kind of assumption about a person and how they wish to be addressed or labelled (not just gender but also marital status - Miss/Mrs - and racial terms) is impolite. So it’s best to check.

It may be modern but it's far from polite - it will offend more people than it panders to.

But @YellowDuster12, if you believe that misgendering someone causes offence, why is it ok to risk offending the overwhelming majority of people, who are not trans and who will assume from this inane question that their sex is somehow ambiguous? A vulnerable older person who is asked if they are a man or a woman is likely to feel both confused and insulted, and to lose faith in the person or authority who is supposed to be looking after them.

It wouldn’t distress me it’s just bloody stupid and not necessary.

The poster who keeps asking "but whyyyyyyyyyy??" reminds me of a conversation I had with a colleague last week. Said colleague is FULL ON TERF (she would not mind me using that descriptor, she proudly identifies as such and claims to have the t-shirt).

She is of the firm opinion that most of these #BeKind captured handmaidens have never experienced real hardship or challenge in their lives. They don't have a clue how devastating life can be and can't imagine what it is to be suddenly hurled into a distressing or vulnerable situation where you need people to use a bit of common sense and compassion.

In this case, I doubt poster in question has ever witnessed a sudden or unexpected death or found someone dead. They don't understand the shock, confusion and distress that person is likely to feel. In such a situation, you REALLY need the police to act like adults and be common sense, to-the-point, and appropriate in their questioning. Not to start indulging in virtue-signalling, box-ticking nonsense with a vulnerable, distressed 84 year old lady.

In terms WHY it's distressing...

The people who have complained to me when asked the question were offended by the implication that their biological sex wasn't apparent. They didn't like the idea that anyone might perceive them to be the opposite sex.

The response is very similar to that of a person who feels they have been misgendered.