Would this upset you? Mother of Groom

[Weddingspeechsad]

Would you be upset if your son got married and made a speech and thanked both families. Thanks Mum and Dad for everything and brides family for welcoming him into it.

Bride then stands up and does a speech. Thanks both families and grooms parents for welcoming her into their family and being kind. Then does a whole section on her Mum and how much she loves her, how there’s not usually any special moment for mother of the bride in the wedding so special mention for all of the help she’s given.

would you feel upset and singled out as mother of groom? For context I’ve really tried with her, invite them over for lunch and takeaway but always too busy. She is always pleasant enough but quite prickly. Myself and his dad both gave approx £1k each (divorced) towards wedding. Feeling quite hurt but not sure if AIBU.

All of this could be viewed as you overstepping boundaries.

Perhaps they just want to spend time chilling in the evening after work rather than going out again to your place for dinner.

Why do you want to be friends with DIL's mum on Facebook? That could be seen as rather needy and intrusive. I'm not friends with the potential in-laws of any of my three DDs on FB or any other social media platform. I've barely even met them anyway, apart from one set who really aren't people I want to forge any connection with beyond what might become necessary.

You don't need to be involved in the whole minutae of the everyday lives of your DS, DIL (or her mum) and this all does sounds like you are trying to be. You need to step back here. Don't become needy and suffocating.

Gushing speeches are so cringy anyway, it is the worst when people start gushing in their wedding speeches, be glad that no one did that about you, I would hate the attention. Speeches at weddings that aren't quickly over are so dull, people aren't bothered about hearing them and would rather get on with their dancing and drinking!

This is very wise OP.

Thanks both families and grooms parents for welcoming her into their family

This is nice and more than enough.

Just stuff like telling me not to ring after a certain time, don’t ask them to come over for dinner if I ring and they say they aren’t busy as apparently it stresses them out and puts pressure on them, don’t message DIL Mum on Facebook.

I think you really, really need to examine your behaviour towards your son, DIL and her family. You are the one telling this story, and you still sound unreasonable- I have a feeling your son and DIL's side would be very illuminating.

You sound very lonely and as if you have not yet accepted that his wife is the primary female in his life now. I mean this kindly, you need to come to terms with that quickly, and before they have children of their own. Inevitably, it will be her mum she goes to for support. You will need to respect the boundaries they have already put in place because you were overstepping and wanting more from them than was reasonable from their perspective.

Now is your time to find new friends, new activities, be less available. So you don't run the risk of being the stereotypical MN MIL.

Don't take offence, but maybe you could tell your son unemotionally that you'd welcome more gushiness like that from him towards you, if he;s ever inspired. In my family, it wouldn't go down well. We're all different.

30 yrs ago my uncle married a lovely young woman. The bride gushed like that about her daddy at her wedding. Our family table sat quietly & respectfully until bride started dancing with daddy, ongoing to the sounds of her continued recorded tribute to daddy. Which is when my most sentimental only Catholic aunt quietly said "Can someone please pass me a sickbag?"

Our table erupted into loud laughter. (Cynical bastards are us)

There's a reason our entirely family was seated separately from rest of the room....

You’re not her mum….

Because we had 5 children so needed a house big enough for them and I couldn’t afford the mortgage payments alone. I had also moved to a city away from my family to live with my husband. I took a payment that gave me enough to buy a small flat near my family and the children stayed with my husband as they were all settled mostly in high school and didn’t want to move and preferred to stay in the family home. I wanted to take them but couldn’t.

I still parented though and it was what worked for us without uprooting the children and causing them stress.

I'm sure I read this exact thread a few months ago. Was that you OP?

It has reminded me of a different thread.
Before mothers day, similar story around DIL and her mother?
Was that your thread OP?

Mother of the Groom always gets a raw deal. It’s hurtful but how close were you to your MIL?

How close was OP to her son is the bigger question? He only came to live with her at 16, and it seemed she moved away without her kids after her divorce, he could well feel his mum abandoned him.

yes I made a thread before Mother’s Day but I don’t know how to link and I changed user name.

I didn’t abandon him, I had no choice. I couldn’t afford to stay there. I still had them as much as possible. Every weekend, every school holiday, took them on holiday as much as I could. I actually did try to take this DS with me as he was the youngest and not settled but he just wanted to be back with his Dad and siblings and it was unfair for me to keep him where we wasn’t happy. I did what was best by him, although it was incredibly painful at the time. The council wouldn’t house me locally because I had no children living with me.

He came to live with me after his brother died because he knew he needed his mum. He wouldn’t have done that if he thought I abandoned him.

I actually helped to care for mine whilst she was dying of bowel cancer. I nursed her in the bed whilst she had bed sores. I did it because I loved my husband

It sounds like you have had a tough time and I can understand why you felt a bit left out, but I think if you mention it you will look petty though, as obviously her relationship with her mum is very close and you can’t force the same thing on your son.

Really uncalled for

So after your Mother’s Day thread, where the advice was that your son was responsible for managing your relationship. And told to not compare, with lots of helpful suggestions for you to try and forge a better relationship with your son and DIL, you’re still trying to blame your DIL for your being treated differently. You really need to acknowledge and accept that it is your sons, and your sons only, responsibility to maintain a relationship with you. And he does, so don’t blow it with this point scoring and vendetta against his wife

If I recall correctly, posters responding to your Mother's Day thread thought you were unreasonable because, before your son left home to live with his girlfriend, he pretty much took on the role of your carer, and you expected this arrangement to continue even after he moved in with his fiancee but you had no expectations of your older children helping you at all.

I still think that your youngest son has done a lot for you and certainly loads more than your other children and your expectations are unrealistic. You seem to be actively looking for things to be upset and complain about.

Ooooh I remember your previous thread.

You have a real chip on your shoulder about your DIL’s mum as you were unhappy she got her mum bigger flowers than your son got you on Mother’s Day….

From your previous comments, you don’t sound as though you’re especially close to any of your five children, but you have been expecting this son to run around after you quite a bit, and you’re unhappy that he’s not doing that any more.

You really do need to have a think about your expectations and how you handle interactions. You said in your last thread that your DIL now ignores your messages, her mum has ignored your multiple attempts to connect, and your DS has gotten cross about how you expect more from him than your other DC. This has the potential to escalate, and you could end up estranged if you don’t take care.

I suspect lots of your feelings go back to your divorce and when you lived apart from your DC and they stayed with their dad. Therapy really would help you, as would investigating other ways to get practical support for your disability to help you get around without waiting at home for your DS to take you.

I honestly don't see a problem. The bride and groom made separate speeches, both perfectly appropriate. She chose to use the moment to make a gushy speech about her own mum, which isn't entirely standard, but is no reflection on you or anyone's feelings about you.

Does anyone have a link to that thread?

Ah yes, I actually remember it now:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5289162-should-both-sets-of-parents-be-treated-the-same-on-mothers-day

It sounds like you’re quite jealous that your DIL has a good relationship with her mum and you’re upset you don’t have the same. I get that’s quite hard to see but it’s on your son to facilitate the relationship, not her.

I remember that too

Well now this whole thread makes sense.

Glad op isn't my MIL.