DD’s friend sent video of her grandma having a shower

[Smellthatbbqsmell]

Really doubting myself if i’m being over the top about this.

Dd is 7 and has a friend who comes to stay with her grandparents (young -60’s maybe) who are our neighbours.
Dd often plays with her, Dd has used my phone (with my permission) sometimes to call/message her to see if she wants to play.
Her friend is at the grandparents this weekend and Dd played with her briefly yesterday.

This morning I woke up, checked my messages as always and had Whatsapps from the grandma. It was from this girl sending messages to Dd. This girl had taken a video of the grandma having a wash in the shower (very unflattering, of her bum, washing everywhere etc) you hear the girl laughing and telling her she’s filming her, the grandma asks mid bent over if she’s filming. DD’s friend then sends a voice note laughing saying it’s funny and laughing emojis etc.

I obviously didn’t show Dd, but was pretty shocked and not sure what to do, worried in case she sent the video to others etc and thinking of how embarrassing this must be for the poor grandma.
I decided to text the mum to give her a heads up, these are the replies

Aibu to be a bit baffled that she’s not more upset/angry? Her Dc is almost 6, so still
young, but a bit naughty in lots of other ways

Later the grandma sent a message to me saying thank you for letting them know and to have a nice Sunday, it’s just the mums responses? I’m a v easygoing parent in general, but wouldn’t be happy about this if Dd had done it to my mum or me for example.

I am in another country and know they won’t be on here

I would not be letting my daughter play with this child. To be saying awful things to your daughter because she wasn’t available to play with is horrible and not normal behaviour. She seems like trouble!

Your response to the other family seems absolutely fine, and I certainly recall my daughter handing her phone to her quite young daughters to speak to me on her smartphone. And also to play games while she was in the room or certainly nearby.

I think you and the other gran have acted in a calm way.

Why does a 5 year old have access to a phone with no supervision, to the extent where they even know how to record and send videos via WhatsApp? I hope her family is taking a long hard look at themselves

I agree. I've a 4 year old and 6 year old dgds. I very much doubt they would manage to make the video, never mind WhatsApp it with a voice message. Very worrying behaviour from a 5 year old child.

What do you want them to do? Written apology statement outside Downing Street.
This was a perfectly ok response. She’s 4, sometimes stuff happens.
you’re very much enjoying slagging off a 4 year old behaviour.

Op you did the right thing letting the mum know and deleting the video. I don't think forwarding her the video would have been appropriate. As others have said you don't know how they are dealing with the issue but that's up to them.

If everything you have said is true I wouldn't encourage this friendship anymore.

All sounds a bit mad.
did the child actually say ‘this is funny’ whilst recording or send it in a separate text / voice note?
and why / how did the kid know your daughter was at a party and leave nasty messages?
I can’t imagine any children I know behaving like this in messaged at that age, seems very advanced
Why did you call grandma ’the grandma’ in your messages to the mum if you already know them and seem to know so much about their family? Makes it sound like a character in a story.

You were absolutely right to notify the parents.

The response you got from the mother was very troubling. I don't think it came from embarrassment - I read it as spectacularly lacking in any kind of awareness of the issues involved.

I'd be very seriously considering notifying the school the child attends. She filmed someone and then sent a compromising video. I would have no confidence in the parents' willingness to explain all the reasons why what she did was wrong.

I'd also be very carefully and gently questioning your child about phone use by her and the friend whose playing at the grandma's house and even at yours.

Initially I agreed with you OP. Things like “just childish stuff” feels almost defensive and downplaying it, and would have also made me think she thought I was making too big of a deal.

However then I read that she’s not actually seen the video and saw your very polite messages. I assume she’s imagining that the kid was filming and wandered into the bathroom and accidentally sent a video that caught her grandma in it showering.

That’s very different to what actually happened where the child obviously did it on purpose and sent it to laugh about it.

However I’d just leave it now. I would separately also want some distance between my child and this one.

Trying to drive cars and sending horrible voice notes at that age feels a bit much. I’d save the whole dealing with friends who are bad influences for another 5 years or so when you have less control. This seems an easy fix to cut out all the drama.

What?

The child sent the video, this was followed by a voice note from her saying it was funny and then a big laughing emoji.

This girl didn’t know my Dd was at a party. She had come round to call for her, but I’d ignored it as was home alone and wanted some peace. So she then began trying to audio call and FaceTime a few times, which I also ignored. The next thing was the awful voice note saying horrible things, which I replied to with a message. A written whatsapp was then sent back saying how much she liked my Dd etc (I don’t know if she can even write properly yet, so am assuming that was her grandma)

When I messaged this girls mum, I said that her Dd had sent a video of the grandma on the phone…because it was the grandma?! What else would I say?

What terrible things did the awful voicenote say? Child sounds terrifying like a haunting

No, not like that, just getting angry because she wasn’t playing and answering

I wouldn't be letting my child associate with this girl any more than I had to. Yes, I have been around children. I can't for a moment imagine one of my children at that age, or in fact of their friends, spying on their grandmother in the shower let alone filming it and sending it to a neighbour as a joke. Maybe she will grow up to be a well adjusted contributing member of society but I wouldn't bet on it.

Agreed, it is very worrying behaviour and it’s strange that some people are defending it or passing it off as childish. One poster even said the behaviour was totally appropriate -what?!

Also, I find it astounding how many people on here lack basic comprehension skills. OP clearly stated (a few times!) that this child was 5 turning 6 in a couple of months. I’ve lost count of how many times people have bitten back saying she’s only 4. There’s a huge difference between a 4 year old child and an almost 6 year old.

I'd cut contact with the whole family. Mum was hoping to gaslight you into believing her little shit recorded that by mistake. Imagine if her and your DD got into trouble doing anything else - her DD "simply wouldn't do that" if you ever questioned her part, I gaurentee it.

This girl sounds like a complete terror who gets away with murder, so i wouldn't want DD picking up that behaviour.

As far as phones go, personally I'd stop letting DD have your phone to send messages to and from friends. Its a bit too grown up for their age and can lead to gigantic fuck ups like this.

Plus it REALLY pisses me off when I whatsapp a friend and they tell me their kids read the message or listened to the sweary voicenote that I left my friend. I don't want to have to sensor things incase their little poppet consumes some adult conversations. I've stopped messaging as few friends who let their kids have their phones for this reason.

Yep I wouldn’t give a child of 6 a smart phone. That’s the issue really!

Yes, it could be an opportunity for op to talk to her own little daughter about friends you trust...in no time at all tge next door child could be taking naked videos of her friend, OP's daughter and uploading them to goodness know where, showing them around her classmates

Did you not read any of the post?

I think the downplaying it as a normal "childish" thing for kids to do is the issue for the OP! It's not normal for a kid that age to be knowing how to film something on a phone and attach it and send it and to think violating somebody like she did her grandma is a normal thing for kids to do.

How can you look at it from such a bizarre aspect! Surely you are more adult than to think the OP just decided not to like a child! The OP is understandably concerned about disturbing behaviours from a child that has contact with her child!
A kid who speaks to her grandmother like shit, tries to drive her grandmothers car, violates her grandmothers privacy and sends abusive messages to others! Are you saying that if kids of yours behaved like that and someone let you know, you'd turn on them and accuse them of not liking your child!

The things this child is doing need stamping out, taking cars without authority is a serious offence when she gets older, violating people's privacy and posting it online is a police matter if she starts doing to other kids or kids parents etc! Sending abusive messages will get her suspended from a school and you think that's fine and it's the OP just being mean!

This needs to be a wake up call to parents who give their kids unrestricted access to mobile phones! My partner and I were in a cafe at Easter and there was a couple of boys at the table next to us that had their own phone each and were probably about 6 and 8 years of age! They never put the phones down once, they were not eating a proper meal, chicken nuggets on their own without the beans and chips as per the menu so that they could feed themselves by hand and not out phones down! Why would you want kids that age that have that level of access to phones and internet!

They may well need stamping out. But it isn’t really op’s job is it.

I see badly behaved children all the time. I disagree with how some children in my DC’s classes are brought up. But I don’t make it my job to tell them so unless and until it directly affects me or my child.

In this case the op chose to post about the response fro the mum being inappropriate. That was the issue tabled.

When that didn’t get the answer she wanted she leaked out that the child was rude generally, a “ bugger”, tried to drive cars, sent awful vms. It’s that aspect that made me feel there is a deeper agenda here than perception-checking if she’s done the wrong thing to send the message to the mum.

I think the message and the reply were fine.

I don't really know what else you wanted or expected? Obviously this isn't great so she's thanking you for letting her know

That’s what I think too.

As a grandmother I don’t think it’s appropriate for your grandchildren to watch you shower. It’s ok if they’re little and can’t be left, but 7 is old enough to entertain themselves.

This.
I find it exceedingly odd that the grandma was using the bathroom in such a way that a 5-6 year old could watch it!
Personally I think the whole family is weird and if I were you I wouldn't let your DD spend any more time with this child.