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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL trying on my engagement ring

290 replies

Onering · 11/05/2025 10:38

Strained relationship. Recently got engaged. I took the engagement ring off for a second since I was doing gardening, came back to find MIL wearing my ring saying how pretty it is. She had been going on about how much she liked it before but to put it on without my permission seems invasive.

She wore it and put it to the light to see the diamond sparkle and commented on how nice it looked.

Aibu about being annoyed from this? Maybe my rocky relationship with her is skewering this for me. My ring now feels tainted because someone else has worn it and being someone I don't have a good relationship with... But again that could be me being ott.

OP posts:
Nicecuppatea2025 · 11/05/2025 11:05

I’m sorry OP but you’re being very unfair on your MIL here. It’s really a non event. You are choosing to overlay everything else onto it.

Butchyrestingface · 11/05/2025 11:06

My ring now feels tainted because someone else has worn it and being someone I don't have a good relationship with... But again that could be me being ott.

I was a bit ‘Meh but whatevs’ until I reached this point. You are definitely being OTT.

I sense choppy waters ahead for you, the MiL and the poor sap stuck in between you.

cunningartificer · 11/05/2025 11:06

When I got engaged it was common for people to ask to try on the ring (which I wasn’t that keen on, but hey ho not a huge deal) . It was a good luck thing and an admiration thing, so it may be she’s just from an older generation… also perhaps wasn’t sure about asking you so waited until you weren’t wearing it anyway. So I would find it mildly annoying but not worth blowing up the relationship for.

Instead of thinking she’s contaminated your ring, why not see it the other way—your ring has such powerful good karma that it will have affected her rather than vice-versa. Perhaps by trying on the ring her son’s love for you will have affected her attitude to you instead?

Nothing can affect you unless you allow it to: take control of the narrative (and don’t leave your ring lying around again)!

Congratulations on your engagement. When I had to deal with a tricky MIL I pretended that everything she did came from a place of deep love, so consciously tried to react that way. It was really helpful and drove her crazy in the early days when she failed to wind me up… but she actually admitted that it helped to change her attitude towards me because she saw me as really secure, and ended up confiding in me about some of the things her own MIL had done to her which genuinely brought us closer.

Original poster
Onering · 11/05/2025 11:06

@PullTheBricksDown yeah that was my bad! I shouldn't have taken it off and left it. Lesson learnt.

OP posts:
Doggielove2 · 11/05/2025 11:09

Onering · 11/05/2025 11:00

@Doggielove2 yes! Thank you for putting my feelings down in words better than I did.

If it were a casual ring I really wouldn't care. But it's a very significant ring with alot of emotional value to me. And it is just one of many things that MIL has done towards me in terms of overstepping. The list is endless.

Ah I’m glad. I understand because I had a bad relationship with my mother and I felt she could taint my life. Used those words and I’ve heard others use it the same way. I do get it. That went away with lots of therapy but your feelings are there for a reason - they are telling you she isn’t a safe person for you.

my friend just got engaged and I wouldn’t dream of asking to try on her ring. I think that’s why it smacks because you weren’t there and she just did it

I love some of the ritual ideas here..full moon Monday! 🌑 go for it!!!

with the Freud thing is it like she’s saying “he’s my man too”
or something - that’s what I would think. a little dream about the man she can never have and she’s losing! (Fantasies)

I think all the people on her saying get over it are coming from a perspective of being sure in themselves on this issue - it’s ok not to be over some things. We are all different

Original poster
Onering · 11/05/2025 11:11

@cunningartificer I really like this mentality! I will definitely take it on board. As I said, I'm not trying to blow up my relationship with mil or make a mountain out of a molehill. Im trying to heal it for everyone's sake. It will be nice to look at it through a positive lense. Just need to shake habits and learn to let go of a lot of past!

OP posts:
ihaterunning111 · 11/05/2025 11:12

I think you need to get over yourself.... I mean I wouldn't rush to put on someone else's ring without asking to try it on or whatever but some people just don't think. I wouldn't be bothered. I'd just say yes, it's beautiful, can I have it back please? I think the bigger issue is that you feel so negatively about your future MIL who seems like she will be a part of your life...

PinkiOcelot · 11/05/2025 11:13

🙄

Lovingthehamsterwheel · 11/05/2025 11:14

I maybe slightly miffed for a second, then I would forget about it.
Are you really going to let this be an issue in your life that someone tries on a ring for 30 seconds?
It is basically some metal and a stone from the ground.

Nanny0gg · 11/05/2025 11:14

Onering · 11/05/2025 10:52

@WimpoleHat I guess my thoughts are if our was relationship good then it would have been harmless. But we aren't really like that. So I've taken it as another act of over stepping rather than oh she must just really like it.

Personally even if I liked someone's engagement/wedding ring I would never think to put it on my own finger! But maybes that's just me...

Edited

I wouldn't either

At best it's rude at worst it's invasive

Original poster
Onering · 11/05/2025 11:14

@ihaterunning111 well of course that's how I reacted in the moment! Very nonchalant about it and agreed. I've just come away feeling how I do about it, but again, I recognise that's a me issue and haven't made it anymore of a problem than it needs to be.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 11/05/2025 11:15

Complete non issue.

AAT65 · 11/05/2025 11:15

She isn't your "MIL". You are not yet married and if you continue with this type of precious behaviour you won't be. It is a ring, a bauble, something pretty. Grow up.

LoveWine123 · 11/05/2025 11:15

I'm not trying to blow up my relationship with mil or make a mountain out of a molehill. Im trying to heal it for everyone's sake.

Which part of your original post is the healing part? I must have missed it.

Please get over yourself. If this is what you are like no wonder you have a strained relationship. Your poor MIL.

Createausername1970 · 11/05/2025 11:17

I think it's rude to try on anyone's precious jewellery without asking if it's OK. So in that respect, she was in the wrong.

I think your reaction is a bit OTT, but I can understand where it's coming from if she is overbearing/interfering in other areas.

But it's not tainted.

Original poster
Onering · 11/05/2025 11:17

@Doggielove2 there is definitely something to be said about the Frued thing. Mil has a very very close relationship with dp and is very over protective of him. He is her baby still.

OP posts:
DT77 · 11/05/2025 11:17

You are being overly dramatic and I feel this is really about your relationship with your MIL and not her trying on your ring.

Original poster
Onering · 11/05/2025 11:18

@LoveWine123 okay!

OP posts:
Lovingthehamsterwheel · 11/05/2025 11:18

Have you seen Lord of the Rings? Suggest watching it and thinking about if your behaviour over the ring is similar to gollum 😂

lazyarse123 · 11/05/2025 11:19

You are being a bit woo but I wouldn't like that she tried it on without asking. I would have asked her what the fuck she thought she was doing. If that upset her tough shit.

Original poster
Onering · 11/05/2025 11:19

@DT77 Ah yes. This right here, this tiny snippet of my life is exactly why I have issues with someone. This act right here defines my entire personality and now you know me like the back of your hand! Very wise of you DT77

OP posts:
Icepop79 · 11/05/2025 11:19

Weird as hell to try someone else’s jewellery on without asking them. Your soon to be MIL was completely out of order doing that.

You're entitled to feel the ring is tainted. In your position with your strength of feelings on it, I think would probably pay to have it professionally cleaned. Otherwise I think you’ll always feel that you can feel her touch lingering on it.

Dahliasrule · 11/05/2025 11:21

I don’t think I could get worked up about this. She complimented you on the ring, perhaps she was trying to find a connection with you.

MzHz · 11/05/2025 11:21

Onering · 11/05/2025 10:41

@Upsetbetty I believe in bad karma/energy. So if someone I have had bad times with tries on something that is of high significance to me, I then feel it's got negative connotations.

Good god you will have a hard life ahead if you go round hoovering up bullshit like this.

don’t be daft, it’s a thing. It’s a ring. I’ve given mine for people to see/put on etc,

she likes it, she admires it, that’s it. It means NOTHING about you.

Hankunamatata · 11/05/2025 11:21

A few of my friends and relations tried on my engagement ring. It's not a big deal. People will have tried your ring on before your df brought it