MIL trying on my engagement ring

[Onering]

Strained relationship. Recently got engaged. I took the engagement ring off for a second since I was doing gardening, came back to find MIL wearing my ring saying how pretty it is. She had been going on about how much she liked it before but to put it on without my permission seems invasive.

She wore it and put it to the light to see the diamond sparkle and commented on how nice it looked.

Aibu about being annoyed from this? Maybe my rocky relationship with her is skewering this for me. My ring now feels tainted because someone else has worn it and being someone I don't have a good relationship with... But again that could be me being ott.

I always try the if your best friend did this would you find it annoying. If the answer is yes then it’s a bit off but if you wouldn’t mind then the relationship is affecting the outcome

I'd try and rethink that position if I were you. It's going to create endless drama and unhappiness.

@5foot5 there's a lot of history there. Too long to go into. But I'm trying to heal the relationship. It's just things like this that don't help me and get under my skin. As I said, I feel it was overstepping and she knew that. Why try on a ring your own son bought for his partner? I find that very odd.

That's your choice to interpret the action of your mil however you want.
You can just as easily choose to see she simply liked the ring rather than attaching a judgement of overstepping.

Btw on it being tainted - yes I can understand that. But detach it from the item. Whenever you look at that item, it can bring up the feelings/memories associated with your MIL and how she acts towards you. But the feelings are in you, not the item. When you’ve properly worked through the feelings inside you and articulated them to MIL, the item won’t bring them to mind again.

I also have a tricky relationship with my mil, made worse by the fact she lives in another country so when we see her we are always all under the same roof for a few days or weeks.
I like my personal space and for guests to behave as guests, where she feels she is entitled to make my home hers while she is here.
She does things like this and it's irritating but I have to take a step back and look objectively.
In this case I'd be thinking that her making a fuss over how lovely your ring is (even if in a slightly odd way!) Could have been her trying to show you both that she's on board with your engagement.
If you marry him, you're stuck with her so my advice (15 years in) is to try and view her actions as the most well intentioned you can imagine. Not for her sake, but for yours x

I don’t think it’s wrong to say it’s tainted - maybe it’s the word that people don’t understand but I understand the process - it’s like an unsafe person has invaded something of yours

@GRex 🤣 I will try that and the dishwasher idea!

As I said, if it were someone who I am very close and have a good relationship it wouldnt really be an issue I guess?

But me and MIL aren't that close.

I imagine likening it to if you had a colleague at work that you are civil with since you see most the time and have lots in common, but has been mean to you and you dislike. If you found them trying on your engagement ring would you be happy? How would you interpret that? Just an innocent try on or done to get to you?

How are you going to feel if you have DC and she wants to hold them?

@Doggielove2 yes! Thank you for putting my feelings down in words better than I did.

If it were a casual ring I really wouldn't care. But it's a very significant ring with alot of emotional value to me. And it is just one of many things that MIL has done towards me in terms of overstepping. The list is endless.

Well it’s a ring your son gave to you . Freud says sons are mothers ideal man that they can never have, so I think trying your engagement ring is loaded with metaphors and that’s probably why you feel it’s tainted.

I guess maybe you could get your fiancé to propose and put it on your finger again. You could even be have a cleansing ceremony before!

these things get under our skin so I do understand

Then sage or palo santo it to cleanse the energy.

If you believe in bad energy or vibes you have to have a solution to how you combat that ?

you don’t accept bad karma, you creat good karma.

it’s not tainted btw. But if you feel she has that sort of vibes she would be bringing her negative energy into your home not just your ring.

I suggest you get a big bag of palo santo

You are ridiculous. What do you want people to say? Yes absolutely you should now melt the ring down in a volcano like in lotr and have your fiance buy you another one immediately

@Upsetbetty read my replies. I have DC with dp and we've had alot of issues regarding boundaries and second parenting. But again I won't drip feed and get into that here. Holding them is fine of course, let's not make an non issue a issue here.

Have you told your DP about the ring being tainted and how has he reacted to the fact that his mum is such a force of evil that her filthy powers have contaminated the ring?

I wonder how he'll react to that news!

@BombayBicycleclub loving the lotr reference, hence my username 😂

Maybe the lovely energy from your ring will have a good effect on MIL 🥰

My husband and I both have "secondhand" wedding rings. I actually like the fact that they might have a previous story but otherwise it never crosses my mind. They are our rings. We've been married for 26 years and counting so I think that they were lucky!

I guess it’s a little invasive, but in the nicest possible way OP, I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

i missed that post @Onering, I still think YABU. But as others said done sage might sort it…or her 🤣

@MrsMappFlint no because DP knows all about mil overstepping, in fact he feels more aggravated by it then I do! But he also has had endless talks with her about it and nothing changes. He has resigned to accepting it's just who she is, she is like this with everyone in her life, it's not just personal to me.

So I won't bother him with every tiny painful situation

Are the children his? If so, and you have only "recently" got engaged, maybe his mum thinks it is-to all intents and purposes-only a dress ring.

Has a date been booked because, if not, I think I would tend to think the same!

I bet you won't because most people having their own mum referred to in this way would show you the door.

Yes, burn sage to remove the negative energy. Look it up. In future only take it off in your bedroom and put it away there so she won't get to handle it.

@Upsetbetty I'm cutting the sage out the garden as we speak! I knew I grew it for something 😂