Why do mums comment on their daughters’ weight?

[ThatNimblePeer]

Just why? What’s going on there? Do they somehow feel it reflects badly on them if they have an adult daughter who is less than slim? Why? Why do they see it as their concern?

I have no idea, but I hear you. My mum CONSTANTLY comments on calories, what she's eating, her own body, my body, other people's bodies. She did this through my entire childhood. We can't go anywhere without my mum saying 'oh I'll have to have a salad tomorrow now, I shouldn't be eating this'.

And then wonders why she has a daughter who is obsessed with food, has disordered eating, and rapidly gains then loses weight over and over.

My dad just outright comments on what I'm eating and tells me it's about time I lost weight. He says he does this out of concern as he doesn't want me to obese and it affects me applying for jobs??? He also told me to lose weight 3mo post partum.

I will NEVER do this as my baby girl grows up. I'll encourage her to be healthy, but I'll try my best to never comment on her body or what she's eating. I'll only teach her that all food is fine, but that we just need different foods in different amounts.

I think it's far more common in other countries, i think people are frightened to say anything about their children's weight here. Also more context is needed

This is so true actually.

I live and work in a very diverse area and in comparison to so many people from other countries, the Brits are far less likely to comment on anyone's weight.

Being overweight is unhealthy, there’s no two ways about it. Women have likely evolved to be concerned with their offspring’s wellbeing, at any age.

It's not my experience. But in my house growing up it was the opposite, no one ever mentioned weight and silently watched my sister and I gain weight from overeating. I was overweight as a teen but active enough, however my sister was obese from about 4 or 5. I'm not sure what the ideal approach is as a mother but saying nothing is possibly as damaging as talking about it too much.

People in the UK are far less likely to comment on weight. In some cultures it's very acceptable.

Why do they see it as their concern?

Concern is the pertinent word here: because they are concerned about the health and happiness of someone they love. You don’t stop worrying about your children when they are adults.

It’s interesting that your instinct is a more selfish motive (reflects badly on them). That’s come from somewhere. Back story, presumably.

This is so interesting. I’ve been on a couple of threads about dealing with kids who over eat (I have one) and it’s so hard to know what to do.

Do you think there’s a way to handle it which doesn’t shame the child, or give them neurosis?

What a load of shite.

there is no evolutionary basis to nitpick someone’s appearance

and another thing in 99% of instances I do not believing the real intentions in berating someone for their weight is out of concern for their health. That’s the guise people hide behind to legitimise their intentions but it’s flat out bullying. If someone is concerned for someone’s health they don’t berate or nitpick, they raise it calmly and considerately considering another large facet of the other person’s health, their mental health

Agree with this. There are nice ways of saying it rather than drip feeding but if I was getting podgy I would rather my mum or husband took me in hand. The ‘you’re fine as you are’ culture is a slippery slope. A couple of extra pounds - fine but that soon turns into a stone that you can’t shift.

Yanbu, there is absolutely no reason for anyone to make comments about another persons body.

Some mothers mention it as a genuine worry I would imagine and others feel superior for being slim, their real adult DD doesn't look like the adult DD they Imagined they would have.

It's horrendous.

Other European countries are much more blunt- they will not only tell their children, but they will also enact a plan. Being overweight as a child 8s miserable. It’s not ‘natural’ and it’s not natural as an adult. I don’t understand why we can’t be matter of fact about it. And I say this as an overweight child, who has now become a very overweight adult. I really wish someone had mentioned it to me- I genuinely had a bit of ‘weight blindness’ and knew I was overweight, but had missed how severe it’s become. Still haven’t done much about it, but that’s due to other factors. I think we should be able to tell out family members, but we can’t, because you mention it and there is immediate concern for upset.

My mum would definitely feel it reflected badly on her. She would be really ashamed if I was overweight, and like she had failed as a parent. (Not saying that either of those feelings would be warranted BTW!) Weight was always a moral issue for her, so in her mind it would be like any other moral failing. But she would dress it up as concern for my health. It's a difficult mindset to shift.

I think we need to move away from this rather toxic narrative that the minute someone is spoken to about their weight and effects on their physical health that they're going to get mental health problems, we need to be far more open and factual and straight forward about our weight epidemic, it's damaging our whole society across a huge number of layers

Because they want them to be healthy

My mother does this out of concern. She knows that I'll get down and unhappy when I realise I've put on my weight so she's trying to prevent that or intervene before it gets too bad. Her choice of words might be a bit harsh but it is coming from a good place.

nah my mums was nothing to do with health
She just wanted a pretty petite slim daughter and I wasn’t that
she had me at weight watchers at 13, dragging me into Evans “it’s the only clothes that will fit you” when I was a size 14, telling me how fat and ugly I was, buying me size 24 clothes
that’s nothing to do with health. And all from a woman who was a size 26 most of her life

This is how I grew up also, I have had disordered eating since I was 17, I will never be happy with my weight, I'm now 45 and cannot eat normally, I either eat way to much or hardly anything, I have to be careful how often I exercise as the more I go the more obsessed I become. Its horrible.

@Rainallnight I honestly don't know!! My ds2 is getting big, we talk a bit about health and food and how it's nice to have a healthy fit body etc but he doesn't care and would eat all day long. I'm trying to encourage a positive mindset but he isn't blind either, he sees me being overweight. I try to not put myself down in front of him but then I'm creating a norm where its ok to be overweight. It makes me feel guilty that my weight is now messing up another generation and yet i still can't seem to lose it. I'm not huge, size 16 but not healthy. All I can do it encourage and guide him in a positive way. So no I haven't a clue. But the truth is my sister and I are both in 40s and long since old enough to take responsibility for our decisions yet we both feel resentment towards our parents approach. We were pretty much encouraged to over eat.

I remember going to a childhood doctor back in my home town after living away for a while, I was early 20s and he hadn't seen me in years. He said ' I see you have gotten fat, what's going on?'. I was gobsmacked, I had never heard anyone say the word fat before. I felt fat and was obsessed with it but everyone used to say they looked fat and how we see ourselves bigger than we are. There was a lot of talk of anorexia at the time. I somehow had convinced myself that while I looked and felt big, it must have been my mind playing tricks like those anorexic girls and I was actually normal. It was like a shock to me to learn that he could see me as I saw myself, like I wasn't fooling everyone. It was a reality check moment. I wish my mum had done that at a younger age but I get it's a minefield. Maybe if she had I'd be here complaining that she gave me a complex.

It'd be interesting to know what the statistics are regarding mental health problems/eating disorders in countries that don't consider discussing weight to be taboo.

Because they’ve grown up socially conditioned to believe a woman’s size is an inverse refection of her value - the thinner the better.

So they are trying to save their daughters (and themselves by association) the humiliation of being Too Big. To train their daughters to pass in a judgemental world without too much harm.

I was first put on a diet age 8 because “you’d be such an attractive child if you lost half a stone.”
She honestly believed she was helping.

How does a 4 year old end up obese when the parents literally supply the food?! That’s not even like they passively watched, they caused it!

It does your child no good to sit silently or lie that they are fine no matter their size as they become overweight and slide towards obesity. You don’t need to be nasty in the way you say it but you must tell them they’re getting too big.

It’s a minefield. My 13 yr old dd has put on a bit of weight. Shes so slim but is a bit more, I don’t even know how to say it but plumper? Than before. She doesn’t look anywhere near overweight and is a healthy weight according to bmi but she feels she’s put on weight and isn’t happy.
Im sure she’s due a growth spurt and I’ve said so but no, she wants to lose that weight.
So one part of me wants to tell her she’s nuts but the other part of me is thinking it’s good to notice when you’ve put on a few lbs and learn a healthy way to drop it. But I’m so scared of disordered eating and anorexia.
Its like I automatically assume this will lead to mental health issues if I don’t deal with this in the right way and feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

I think a far bigger problem with regards to mental health issues, is the refusal of parents to discuss weight issues (so the kids feel brushed off), while the internet is crammed packed with all sorts of dangerous and hideous 'information' that kids/teens are becoming exposed to on TikTok and Insta etc.

If parents refuse to discuss weight when kids want to/need to, they'll turn to these websites instead.