Why do mums comment on their daughters’ weight?

[ThatNimblePeer]

Just why? What’s going on there? Do they somehow feel it reflects badly on them if they have an adult daughter who is less than slim? Why? Why do they see it as their concern?

They now get the benefit of an education in manners from me, so there is that.

The issue of ED are often not about weight or appearance in any case, they are a form of anxiety control, which manifests in weight/eating. There is a big cross over in ND and ED and also children who have been abused or had abusive/trauma backgrounds

Sometimes it is about food per se, but not usually.

Dressing it up as health concerns is a load of self-delusional claptrap. Designed to fool oneself while being shallow and nasty

Exactly. It's how its done.

Sensitively discussing weight as part of a broader conversation about health is absolutely fine and appropriate.

Chipping in "you've put weight on", or "you could do with losing a couple of pounds" is unhelpful projection from women whose own self-esteem is bound up with the perception of their own attractiveness.

People have a moral obligation not to pass this down to their kids and if they can't manage this in a sensitive and constructive way they just need to keep their mouths shut. I judge people hard who make snippy comments to their children about their weight.

Yes, there is a strong association between ND and eating disorders, so it’s even more important that parents don’t criticise their ND children’s size/weight.

I'm a son rather than a daughter, but my Mum started banging on about my weight constantly at me in my mid 20s, after I started putting a fair bit on. Eventually we had a massive argument about it and she stopped.

Given that I'm now type 2 diabetic, and have a permanent big black spot in one eye as a result, maybe she had a point.

But you're talking about abuse. I havent missed any point. You used the term berating but this assumes that commenting = berating. It may have done for you but not necessarily.

OP's question is about 'commenting on weight'. Yes it is a parents responsbility to do that and if not you, then it is a common narrative that this inevitably leads to mental health problems.

In the UK we are hugely quiet about this despite the fact that we are less and less healthy and more and more overweight.

Genuine question...do you think if you hadn't had an argument and she'd continued to go on about it it would have changed things? Would you have lost weight on account of her intervention and changed your health outcome?

Almond Mumsnet

My DD has gained a lot of weight as an adult. I can’t police her diet or exercise regime because she’s an adult. And despite the fact she’s definitely overweight by some margin, she still looks great because she’s well proportioned and young. So for her, it’s more about long-term health than image.

A few years ago I read a study that said that drawing attention to someone’s weight and making an issue of it was counterproductive to weight loss, so I don’t do it. Nor do I want to make my beautiful daughter feel bad. However, what I do instead is try to role model a healthy diet and exercise regime and answer her honestly but kindly when she raises it herself. I’m beginning to see a few small changes.

Weight is such a loaded topic. One person’s well-meant advice can be interpreted as criticism by someone really insecure. But other times it can definitely be a form of bullying. It’s not always intentional either as some slimmer women are also insecure and so obsessed by their own weight they end up commenting on others as a way of enforcing their own superiority rather than a deliberate attempt to put someone else down. A society that places so much value on a woman’s weight and perceived attractiveness has a lot to answer for here!

You may of guessed from my posts and the amount of weight comments I’ve had in my life, I had an eating disorder for 7 years (one relapse) and I do oppose the narrative that it’s often not to do with food, eating or weight. Yes control is a central part but the fixation is food and weight.

eating disorders principally afflict white girls and women from the developed west (that’s not say other groups don’t suffer but predominantly it is white girls/ women in the west that make up the majority of Eds) that’s not a coincidence the standard of beauty for women in the west is thin and has been for a long time.

there’s research that shows nitpicking of weight drastically increases the odds of a child getting an eating disorder as does participating in a sport that involves body checking, leotards and a lot of other girls, like gymnastics and ballet

It's hard because obviously a healthy body is 'best' in terms of health outcomes and just ability to live easily

Eg, I'm 5'3. My optimal weight looks wise is around 9 and a half stone. I'm 10 at the moment and thats ok. When I got up to nearly 12 stone a few years ago, I started to really feel it physically - I was out of breath, my knees hurt and I was starting to adapt how I did things when getting dressed.

I don't want to live like that. I want to be able to do things easily and live without pain so I lost the weight.

But I'm very pragmatic about it. I don't equate a person's size/weight with their worth as a person. My partner is teetering on obesity and has done his whole life. From an aesthetic/attraction perspective, it doesn't make any difference to me but I do worry about his health and that is a genuine concern not a shallow appearance based concern dressed up as a health concern. Because he was that size (actually bigger) when I met him and I fancy him regardless.

My son gained weight after leaving home through bad eating habits. Nothing else. He's worked hard at changing his eating habits and exercise and lost the weight. I've never commented on that and only ever spoke about it when he brought it up. But, again, I was genuinely becoming concerned about his health so it was hard not to say anything at all because if he were smoking or drinking excessively, there'd be no problem with me bringing that up as a concern. In fact, I'd be expected to.

When my daughter was younger, there was a lot of talk around not focusing on girls' weight but only commenting on their bodies in terms of what they could do and how strong they were. But that is still commenting on their bodies!

She did a lot of gymnastics and loved showing off her muscles and her 6 pack. She still does gymnastics but less often/intensely so no longer has a 6 pack. She's also put on a few pounds due to university living. But it's only noticeable to me because she was so athletic before. Again, I wouldn't dream of commenting (and she'd rightly put me back in my box if I did!)

But she's also only 4'11 and has a very small frame. I would be concerned for her health if she started gaining a lot of weight. Not because it would reflect badly on me that I had a 'fat' child but because I love her and I want to her be healthy and not have her life restricted in any way by weight related difficulties.

My exh (her dad) became very overweight/obese and developed several health issues related to that. His mum is very overweight and has similar health concerns. Potentially, life limiting ones. With several in patient stays at hospital and daily medications. His dad and brother are healthy weights and have none of these health issues. I know which I'd choose for my daughter.

Constant snippy criticisms are obviously wrong, but we shouldn't be afraid of general discussions around weight and health with people we love.

No, not a bloody chance. Shed have just ended up ruining our relationship if Id let it carry on.

I can see where she was coming from now though, it was coming from a place of concern for my wellbeing, she wasn't just trying to pick at me. It would never have helped though, I knew I was getting fat, and someone else telling me so wasn't going to give me the willpower to change that.

When I came out of the doctors after being diagnosed, I could hear the "I told you so" that she'd surely have been thinking if she were still around. She'd have been proud of me for sorting myself out in the time since though.

I'm dreading seeing my MIL in the near future. I've lost a lot of weight since I last saw her (BMI gone from mid forties to high twenties) and know the comments are going to be non-stop. She'll take full credit for my weight loss and assume it's because I've finally taken all of her unsolicited advice over the years on board. I'll get a pat on the head for not being quite such a fat, lazy, greedy fucker any more (obviously with reminders that I still have a way to go).

If she works out/guesses I'm on WLI there'll be the disappointment that I've taken the "cheat's" route as well as the inevitable "concern" about long term side effects. After all, she's only ever been concerned about my health. It's absolutely horrific and I can't win whatever I do.

It was made very clear to me from a young age that my mom wanted a slim, pretty, girly daughter to show off. I have never been those things. She constantly commented on my weight, my appearance, what I ate, how I dressed. And not in a helpful way.
Im in my 30s now and I can still tell exactly what she thinks of me from the look on her face and what she does/doesnt say.
I will never do that to my daughter.

I’m my mum’s case because of her own weight paranoia.

I am mid 50s size 10-12. This weekend I’ve already had comments that I mustn’t eat too many nuts, a dismissal that I couldn’t possibly fit into size 10 trousers and laughter when a market stall holder called me slim.

It is so, so tiresome. To make it worse I actually have lost a stone since I last saw her but she only concedes ‘yes I thought you looked a little bit thinner.’

My mum was always very disciplined about her eating habits and never weighed more than about 8 and a half stone. I was skinny as a child and into my 20s but when I did put weight on after having DC in my 30s, then yes, I did get unwanted comments under the guise of ‘I’m your mum so I’m allowed to say these things to you’. I’ve put more on since so it obviously wasn’t helpful, and given the amount of times I’ve dieted (only to put it back on again), it’s something I’m well aware of.

It’s such a difficult topic though. My son’s partner is quite overweight. I would never say anything to her but I do worry about her health and the impact as she gets older.

Absolutely, I would support her. She is late teens and isn’t overweight currently. I am just smaller than her (and still hate my body). Her diet isn’t wonderful due to SEN, but we try to provide as much variety as she will have. If she ever wants to try new foods or exercise, I would support with that.

I think the issue is that few parents / mums really know how to talk about weight in a healthy / neutral way because so many of us have our own issues around food and weight gain. It’s an emotive topic and one that’s really tricky to navigate.

My mum never talked about my weight but she did talk about ‘naughty’ food and we did do some kind of random 3 day diet when I was about 14. But my dad’s nickname for me was ‘fats’ so it’s not just mums! And I wasn’t fat at all. I am now though.

With my own DD I want her to enjoy food but also know that she needs to prioritise the nutritional stuff. I will avoid taking about her body, or mine in a derogatory way, but instead talk about healthier choices but I have no idea if that’s the right approach.

I think parents who refuse to talk about weight or who brush it off with 'You're beautiful just the way you are' (in other words, I don't want to talk about it), are a big part of the problem.

My mum was a very old fashioned Irish Catholic who just couldn't/wouldn't talk about sex or periods.

Luckily, I had older sisters and cousins who I could trust to discuss these things with as the internet was not a thing back then.

But had the internet been a thing, I probably would've turned to it and God only knows what sort of 'advice' I might've taken.

Far better to get it from someone who 100% has your best interests at heart, and who doesn't brush it under the carpet.

Youre conflating two unrelated things. I agree that parents who can’t communicate with their kids on these important topics can set them with problems. My own mother was like this and it was very damaging.

But making unkind and judgmental comments about your child’s weight isn’t a healthy way to start a conversation about weight or health. It just makes them feel judged, harms their self esteem and makes them believe being thin is synonymous with being healthy or being loved.

Talk about weight by all means but do it in a sensitive and non judgmental way which links to health and doesn’t imply that being overweight is a moral failing or will cost you love and respect.

Agree with most of what you say - but a peanut butter sandwich isn’t inherently ‘unhealthy’. Not low calorie but would contain nutrients and probably in the same category as the pasta salad and crackers you mention.

A fair amount of it is misogynistic conditioning about a girl or woman's value being in their looks. My mum has been obsessed with food and weight my whole life. She always commented on it, but when I started dating someone successful it got even worse.

"A man like that deserves a woman who takes care of himself" blah blah blah.

Yes, being significantly overweight is unhealthy, but it is ignorant to think the majority of mums specifically comment incessantly on daughter's weights due to that.

Absolutely this. These comments don’t come from a place of genuine concern about health, they are motivated by self esteem issues and projection by the mother.

Agree, my mum is very slim at 83, she is 5 ft 2 and has just lost weight deliberately and is now 7 stone 6 as she feels this is healthier. She sees it as being superior also.

I think there are two categories of mums, one who says it out of general concern and the other who says it because for them thinness was currency in a time of not having much agency as a woman (bit like keeping your house clean) or they are quite controling and struggle with a girls transition to puberty. I remember my mu saying to another parent when I was a teenager (they were both talking about their respective daughters weight in front of us ) But FerneyToro used to be so slim. Yes mother I hadn't hit puberty.

The last words my mother ever spoke to me was to say I was looking fat and put on weight. She’d spent my entire childhood and adulthood criticising my weight (yes I was overweight but so was she). I was always told that I’d be pretty if I lost weight and no man would find me attractive. I believed her and so married the one man who seemed to find me attractive, but who turned out to be an abusive arsehole.

she’s now been gone 7 wonderful years and I’ve finally managed to lose 7 stone thanks to mounjaro. I’ve still got some to go, but at the age of nearly 51 I’m no longer obese. But I still remains unattractive as far as I’m concerned and still “feel” like I’m that fat and ugly person she always made me believe I was.