Why do mums comment on their daughters’ weight?

[ThatNimblePeer]

Just why? What’s going on there? Do they somehow feel it reflects badly on them if they have an adult daughter who is less than slim? Why? Why do they see it as their concern?

Women who berate,shame and insult their daughters for being fat(especially as children) are also damaging.

...and do not cause miraculous weight loss in their targets. Telling fat people they are fat does not make them lose weight. There is no benefit to this cruel to be kind honesty some seem to like the idea of so much.

Agreed. You can have adult conversations without berating, shaming and insulting.

Ah reading isn’t your strong suit I take it.

maybe ask yourself why you want to pick on someone for their weight? Do you genuinely think it will help? Or does it make you feel morally superior? Do you think large people aren’t aware of their size?

Ugh, yes. When me and SIL were pregnant at the same time my mum would comment on who had gained more weight ever time she saw me... Who had bigger boobs (bigger boobs to her = better) who had gained weight in their face/legs etc (gaining weight anywhere else = bad). It was exhausting and every time I saw her I told her to stop. She also commented on who got the most stretch marks...

What are you on about? The OP asked specifically about commenting on daughter’s weights. I see it as my parental responsibility to help my children live healthy lives and this includes conversations about weight.

I’m talking about your ability to read my post.

I said there is a way to talk about someone’s weight in a constructive manner if the person is very overweight and therefore displays some disordered eating. That way isn’t snide and nasty comments, it’s a considered and compassionate conversation.

you adult child or your child under 18? Those are two different scenarios. An adult child, if you genuinely care then a one off measures and compassionate conversation is fine, but to bring it up ad nauseum is cruel and ineffective. I’d also say that perhaps their eating issues may come from unhealthy habits built in childhood.

BUT if it’s it your child (under 18) and your child is overweight 90% of the blame falls on the parents. They are the ones who buy the foods, model behaviour, instil habits and cook the food. I’d argue that you shouldn’t actually mention their weight, rather you should tackle the root cause

why because it's a health issue; physical, emotional, mental, financial, social, and employment wise.
as unpopular as it may seem, a person's appearance affects their life and as a child/teen growing up you might not be fully clued in as to the long term challenges being overweight can be.
not much different than smoking and drinking unhealthy stuff that parents are suppose to steer you away from.

I’m not sure what part I haven’t read? If you are referring to your comment about evolutionary basis for nit picking someone’s appearance, then I challenge that on several levels. Firstly having a reasonable conversation isn’t nit picking. Secondly there is a wealth of research about parental protection of offspring. I would treat being overweight in the same way as smoking if it fledged one of my adult children. OPs post was specifically about adult children.

You’re arguing against yourself.

there is no evolutionary basis to nitpick and berate

ok so you raise the issue of weight in a very overweight offspring in a considered manner which I think is legitimate. What if they don’t take heed, do you keep mentioning it again and again? If so why? It’s clearly not an effective strategy, it’s not ‘protecting’ them.

there is a big difference between smoking and being overweight. You don’t need to smoke in order to live but you do eat. There’s also many many intersecting factors that contribute to someone becoming overweight.

I was anorexic for 10 years. My BMI was 12. I’m now recovered. My mother frequently askes me now when I’m going to loose weight. How is the weight loss going. Etc. she’s a size 22 and her weight has dominated her life.

Sod that. I’m going to live life and enjoy it.

The idea that not commenting on your child’s weight is being a lazy parent who doesn’t want to help them be healthy is quite frankly, ridiculous.

As parents we should model healthy attitudes toward food and exercise as well as everything else.

Telling someone they need to lose weight is no more helpful than telling someone they need to quit smoking. The only people who are reasonably placed to do that are doctors, and they should be following it up with clear support and strategies to support the person.

Of course, if your child seems to be developing unhealthy patterns with diet or exercise, it is reasonable and sensible as a parent to say, I’ve noticed X is there anything I can do to support you with it? If the answer is no, you leave it alone as banging on about it isn’t helpful.

My mum has always been slim but also bulimic, she’s in her 70s now and still has issues with food. She constantly made comments about weight and food and being piggy etc. under the guise of ‘concern’ - I developed a binge eating disorder and cycle of shame as an early teen that I only broke free from when I moved out to uni at 18 and cooked for myself. She did, however, cook well rounded meals and that was really helpful for me, and I still love cooking now, so it wasn’t all bad.

It is clearly a sense of shame for her that I am currently slightly overweight for the first time since I was a teenager, having had two children. She commented regularly on my weight after my first as I went back to how I was pre baby straight away, clearly a source of pride for her though it was down to an oversupply of milk burning endless calories. No oversupply this time and my boobs are happier but I am heavier. I know that when my baby is more independent and I have more time for myself I will snack less and exercise more and am allowing myself grace knowing that my overall healthy attitude toward food will win out. I know she only doesn’t comment on it as I would tell her where to go. I love her very much but mainly I feel sorry for her that it’s still such an issue for her later in life. I will be sure to protect my DDs from such attitudes.

Life is to be lived, health is to be valued and food is to be enjoyed.

Oh yes, the "you'd look so pretty if you lost some weight" narrative!!

I had that. Weight watchers and slimming world, hypnotherapy for weight loss all from an early age. Years of dieting, really unhealthy relationship with food and my body image. Thanks mum!

It's awful but very very common. I don't know why.

I have two adult DDs and I've done my best to never comment negatively on their weight, even if they did seem 'overweight' at times. Very few people don't realise they are overweight!

One of them was seriously underweight in her late teens, after an illness, and the amount of bloody people who told her she looked great was astonishing. She didn't look great, she was a shell of a person, skin and bone. It's all so messed up.

Ah yes, the white bread and marg sandwich doesn’t sound particularly appetising! I was picturing my nothing-added peanut butter on whole meal toast snack 😊

That wasn’t really a thing much in the 90s/early 2000s. For us at least 🙂

I would love to know the answer to this too. I have a DD who is overweight. I have never said this to her, but I do frequently say no to snacks and having seconds. This makes her want snacks and seconds even more. Before this, I let her eat what she liked and she used to eat until she was sick sometimes. I have no idea what the right thing to say to help her is, I would love to know.

The usual advice given is to limit what's in the house and make sure available snacks are healthy and high protein.

I also find keeping busy and being out of the house doing an activity as much as possible helps, when snacking is down to boredom, which it sometimes is.

But it's so difficult when this doesn't work and children don't seem to have a "full mode". I have one who will take a few licks of an ice cream, and then they're done, and another who will stolidly eat to the end even if it's huge and they're not very hungry. It's quite difficult to manage sometimes.

I was a fat child and am now a fat adult. My whole childhood my weight and body was a topic of discussion among the female members of my family (grandma, mum, aunties). Endless comments about my various body parts and how they looked (thighs like hams, big round tummy, wobbly bottom etc etc). Instead of any constructive, helpful conversation about weight and health I was just subjected to awful comments that made me feel like my body was public property and open to discussion at all times. I put in major boundaries as an adult but I hate people commenting on anything to do with my body to this day - I’ve had panic attacks before when I feel too “exposed” in any way.
I’ve tried to talk to my mum seriously about the way she addressed my weight as a child and she gets upset as she knows she was in the wrong, not that I’ve ever received an apology for any of it.
I have my own daughter and I cannot fathom talking about her body the way mine was spoken about by adults. Ever. It has led to a lifetime of disordered eating and shame.

There's an interesting assumption on this thread ("fat apologists", "obesity crisis", "health risks", "concern" etc) that all of the mums who are criticising their daughters' weight are doing so because the daughter is overweight.
My mum has been commenting on my and everybody else's weight for as long as I can remember. Aged 5 I tried to cut off my - entirely normal, healthy - puppy fat from my belly with a lair of kids scissors. I've never been bigger than a size 10, or had a BMI over 25. There is literally no reason for her to feel any concern for my health or to comment on my weight.

My mum is the same.

I’ve been slim all of my life, the biggest I’ve been is close to an UK 12 and I was pregnant at the time. My mother comments/criticised my body for years. She was actually annoyed that I remained slim after having three children.

My mother is overweight as is my younger sister. My sister has been overweight since 5/6 yo and my mother rarely ever commented on her weight other than her losing a few pounds and would praise my sister’s features while telling me I would look better if I did xyz.

She would ask me if I was anorexic one minute and then ask why I didn’t have a six pack in the same breath as a teen. She constantly called me “heifer” and commented on how much I eat to other people at meals, tell me I would get fat if I kept eating pasta, would call me selfish if I didn’t want to share my meals out when it was smaller than hers, etc.

I showed my mum a photo of a dress I had chosen to be a bridesmaid at my best friends wedding this weekend. She then went on to say that was a difficult dress to wear even if you were "very slim" (im a size 10) and that "unfortunately" i am heavier on the bottom than I am on the top and that maybe an a line dress would be more flattering to show off my figure to its best. She's always had a very boomer Ryvita mum mentality to weight. I ate a single yum yum the other day with a cup of tea and of course she hovers about saying how its "naughty". Could never order a takeaway when I lived at home without her passing comment. It gets so draining!

I am a mum to a very overweight 18 year old who has ADHD. The medication doesn't help with the food noise.
She recently had her weight and blood pressure taken as she has a meds review coming up. She is now in the obese category with a BMI of 31.
She declined to have the nurse tell her the weight and they didn't as she has history of poor mental health.
If we said or did nothing and she carried on the way she is, by the time she is 20 she will be well over a 100 kilos.
She thinks she is a few kilos over what she was last year this time when in fact she is 2 stone over.
She has therapy but never discusses weight issues there.
She is in denial over how much weight she has gained in a year and I am torn between telling her and not telling her.
Part of me thinks if her cholesterol results came out shocking, would I keep quiet.
There is never an easy answer.