Why do mums comment on their daughters’ weight?

[ThatNimblePeer]

Just why? What’s going on there? Do they somehow feel it reflects badly on them if they have an adult daughter who is less than slim? Why? Why do they see it as their concern?

I have a theory that, increasingly, whenever someone opines that "we have evolved" to do something, it's to justify toxic or prejudiced behaviour, and this is an incredible example of it.

My daughter was overweight up until about 8 months ago when she started eating less, she is now in the healthy weight category but I'm constantly worried about her losing too much weight. When she was overweight I never ever called her fat and would insist she was fine as she was etc, for fear of her developing the eating disorder she now has. It was her anorexic ex best friend who triggered it by calling her fat repeatedly during an argument

Well if you had managed it sooner empathetically then she wouldn't have been called fat. As long as approached correctly by parents it does save children a lot of hurt and bad health to manage it early on.

Absolutely bang on.

I would also add that food and weight is only a small part of "health" overall. Anyone truly concerned about their daughter's health (rather than their idealised feminine image) would not be telling them to lose weight, but they'd be encouraging them to find a form of exercise they loved and teaching them how to cook balanced, nutritious and delicious meals. As well, of course, as nurturing their mental health by teaching them that food should be a source of joy, not guilt.

I would also add that even if something comes from a place of concern, that doesn't necessarily excuse it if it's toxic, hurtful, wrong-headed or just plain idiotic - which so much of diet culture is. And the onus is on the person dishing out that "concern" to change their behaviour, not on anyone else to put up with it.

My mum does but says it’s because she doesn’t want me to end up like her or have the struggles she did. My DS13 grandma on the other hand who is morbidly obese constantly berates him on his big belly totally ignoring hers dragging on the floor. It baffles me

This. My mum And mil, both born in the late 40s/early 50s, constantly comment on their own and other peoples weight. My dd had an eating disorder in her early teens and my mum was always commenting on how slim she was. I've made a conscious effort not to comment on my dcs weight because I've always felt negative about my appearance.

They also comment on the tidiness/dustiness of peoples houses. Drives me nuts

Because slim = attractive and successful in our society, and mums just want the best for their daughters and worry if you aren’t slim you’ll never find a husband and won’t be successful. It’s half societal conditioning and half internalised misogeny with dash of genuine health concern.

Being publicly called out for your weight by the person who is supposed to love you above all others is far worse for your health than being overweight. It's a horrendous thing to do to your children. You're basically inculcating low self worth and putting then on a fast track to eating disorders.

If a child is on track to become obese then this needs tackling. But with sensitivity and discretion and tact, not by shaming them about their weight.

People who do this to their kids occupy the same circle of hell as people who drink heavily in front of them. They are scum.

But all food are not fine!? The obesity crisis is based on lack of education and parenting as a child.

If being called out for being an idiot ans overeating is harming your mental health then you really need to get that sorted out

there was a thread the other day - are women today too weak compared to previous generations- I am beginning to see where the question came from

My mum does this and I think it reflects her own concerns about her weight which are in turn caused by a societal obsession (particularly for her generation) about weight.
I also have a friend (mid 40s) who comments negatively on other people's weight, eating habits and laziness a lot and I actually find that more upsetting as her disgust comes through very strongly.

My mother was obsessed by her and our weight, all 4 daughters now have weight issues. My mum is Irish. A friend who is French was also so critical when her daughter was young, kept saying she was fat. Daughter is tall and thin now and she’s very clearly relieved. It’s depressing.

Mothers who obsess over their daughters' calorie intake and make digs about how they're looking plumper are not brave warriors against the obesity epidemic, please don't delude yourself.

I never comment on my daughters (17) weight, food choices or portion size. For years she was too thin, she was weighed at a hospital appointment recently and I was delighted she was now 7 stone 2 and also a size 8 dress in primark fitted. I said nothing though, I am scared she could spiral into losing weight or something. I am very happy her appetite has increased though. My mother has never commented on my weight, but I am generally in a healthy weight, occasionally tipping into overweight for a few months until I lose it.

I'm talking about adults here which I think is what op was aiming for. I do accept it may be more complex in kids...

The concern, worries about health. We should talk about it more, that would be sure to fix things. Seriously? Do people really think overweight and obese people don't know themselves and need to be informed of this? I'd love to see some data into the success (or otherwise) of fat shaming as a weight loss strategy.

Truth be told fat people already knew they're fat. They also know they're supposed to just eat less and move more to put it all right. Most are also aware that the "concerned" amongst society think they're greedy and lazy. Newsflash - none of this is the curative revelation some of you might think.

She didn’t need to say anything what she needed was to do something, change portion sizes or what food you ate or the activities / clubs you did. You didn’t need to know why but she could have made changes.

Ha my mum is the worst for this.

I sent her a WhatsApp the other week because I'd run my fastest 5k in over 5 years; she replied saying "well done, I forgot to say you look like you've lost weight"

Not once have I said anything to her about wanting to lose weight 🤷🏻‍♀️

Definitely about appearance and not health for my mum.

I think it's concerning that you don't think a mother should be concerned about her daughter being a healthy weight.

Also, being obese is shit and I wouldn't want that for my child.

I agree. My mum has always been constructive with her comments, she’s joined SW with me, done the c25k etc. She encouraged me to run the 10k for race for life last year, I think she just really wants me to be healthy and being honest I look a lot better when I’m slimmer?

I have a couple of views on this

my dd currently wants some facial surgery, I did have to kindly say that although she’s perfect it may help the aesthetic if she lost some weight.
when she had the consultation with plastic surgeon he actually said the same.

my mother on the other hand never has anything nice to say about anyone’s weight, im always too slim & dd has always ‘put a bit of weight on’ which is just unnecessary

I think if you’re commenting for genuine concerns eg extreme obesity, surgery, eating disorder then having a private conversation can be ok
if you’re just making a comment then no

Mine does. She does it in a round-about way as if it's any better, rather than being direct. I'm overweight, but not huge. And it's only been in the last couple of years, since I stopped breastfeeding my son, that my BMI has gone into the overweight category. It's not what I'd like either but the remarks don't help!

Linked to this it's also because "losing weight" and diet talk is seen by many women as a form of female bonding. It's a very basic and boring "default small talk" topic for many women.

I didn't really get this from my mum growing up as I was a skinny thing whatever I ate, but as an adult I've definitely noticed on several occasions that not doing the whole performative "ooh I'm so naughty I couldn't possibly eat a biscuit" bit will actually get a lot of women's backs up. I like food, I'll have a big slice of cake thanks, I think diet culture is a boring scam and I manage to remain slim. In some workplaces I've been in, this very obviously broke some sort of female code.

Ha ha my mum does this!

Do we?!