Why do mums comment on their daughters’ weight?

[ThatNimblePeer]

Just why? What’s going on there? Do they somehow feel it reflects badly on them if they have an adult daughter who is less than slim? Why? Why do they see it as their concern?

Talk about weight by all means but do it in a sensitive and non judgmental way which links to health and doesn’t imply that being overweight is a moral failing or will cost you love and respect.

Of course, this is the sort of conversation I meant. I wasn't suggesting parents make unkind and judgemental comments 😳

But many parents just absolutely refuse to discuss weight aside from 'You're beautiful the way you are', or 'You'll grow taller eventually'.

That sort of closing down of conversations, can definitely lead to kids looking elsewhere.

And it's the 'elsewhere' in this day and age that can be so damaging.

i actually think that branding whole foods as healthy v unhealthy or good v bad is pretty problematic. Yes there are some foods that are more health promoting than others, but it’s our relationship with them that renders the food unhealthy.

rice cakes for instance are often branded as a ‘healthy’ snack, but how? Why? Nutritionally they are pretty void but what is meant is low calorie, but they are satiating and as said devoid of nutrients, and In many instances someone will end up eating more because it was never rice cakes they wanted in the first place. Donuts, high sugar, calorie dense but an average glazed krispy cream is about 200cals so can easily be slotted into a daily diet, or as a regular savoured treat but that’s an ‘unhealthy’ food. Like a Mac Donald’s can too or a chocolate bar.

i loathe it in schools too, good v bad lays the foundation for disordered eating.

My mother's always been overweight (borderline obese) and she started commenting on me "gaining weight" when I was in my teens.

I got fairly heavy a while back in my late 30s, but have lost a good bit of weight since then. My mom noticed and will occasionally ask me how much I weigh. If I tell her, she will exclaim that that is exactly the same weight SHE is! (Implying that she has lost weight as well.) It's patently untrue, almost hilariously so, as she is very overweight and definitely NOT the same weight I am (even adjusting for our difference in height.)

Obesity runs in our family and she has pretty much always been overweight and was pretty ill-treated by her father for being heavy as a child. I'm sure that's given her some twisted views on weight. It doesn't excuse some of the things she said to me when I put on weight as a teenager, but it is what it is.

Yes this. If my mother had genuine concerns for my health and well-being she would have modelled good eating habits, physical activity and not bullied and insulted me my entire life.

I know this.

Currently the cross over with ND/trauma history is now trans, again, white girls from Western cultures being strongly affected more than most. Again about feeling uncomfortable about body in some shape or form. However the underlying issue is the anxiety, lack of control, confusion and of course it will find itself something to hook into. In 10 or 20 years time it will be something else. The underlying issue wont change however

It doesnt negate the need to talk about our overweight/obesity crisis, and it is a crisis. Its unfortunate that there will be some cross over with how that affects people who are likely to emotionally be troubled by it, but the biggest risk we face is obesity in this country.

No need for nitpicking, and some people wont handle it right, parents wont always get it right, read threads on here about GPs even not getting it right according to their patients who come out of a consultation upset and offended (ive been one of them)

But we do have to tackle it. A very difficult balance.

The problem is that obesity is a problem for many of the population, it's not appearance is it?

In my own experience the motivations behind this have been a combination of control, munchausen by proxy and ingrained misogyny.
I wonder why I have issues with food?!

Is it the same for boys and men 🤔. The comments about weight, shape, clothes etc ..
Something tells me not. Not in my generation anyway. The observations about weight for reserved for the girls. Spoken by women of a certain age and any random bloke who thought he ( incorrectly ) had some right to comment . It did seem to be quite misogynistic.

I know now that obesity is a big issue. Perhaps it is kind or necessary to provide some challenge and guidance around eating habits. I suspect though that this could still be achieved without body shaming and judgement.

@AnnieAzul

The problem is that obesity is a problem for many of the population, it's not appearance is it?

Obesity is indeed a major problem. But these sorts of comments aren’t motivated by concern about obesity they are driven by an association between “being slim” and being successful/attractive/of high social status. They are always framed through the lens of how weight harms women’s ability to attract high status men.

Women who are genuinely obese or dangerously overweight don’t get this. It’s “you should lose a few pounds to get into this dress/this swimsuit.”

It sets up an association between calorie counting/food restriction and self worth and value. So food restriction becomes a marker of self control and motivation and failure to adhere to this triggers self loathing and self punishment. None of this is going to help anyone develop a positive relationship with food.

most people may be trying to find ways to motivate people to lose weight and as they get increasingly desperate they will try anything to see if they can get someone to start to take basic care of themselves

m but tell yourself that people are being nasty gives you a great excuse to not listen doesn’t it ?

But these are two separate issues, if youre not a medic or a very close friend or relation to the person you shouldn’t be passing comment on someone’s else’s body. If you feel the need to do so under the guise of health, you’re kidding yourself. Someone else’s body isn’t your concern.

drs and medical professionals should approach the subject from a medical point of view not an aesthetic one.

if you have a family member or close friend that has poor and disordered eating habits that are negatively impacting their health then yes say something but then it becomes about how, because are you being measured, thoughtful and considered in your words and non judgmental or are you calling names, berating and putting that person down, because if it’s the latter then yet again you are deluding yourself that your concern was ever health.

(I am using you to mean in the general sense, not you specifically)

health is multifaceted as is obesity. We won’t tackle that until we acknowledge that their are numerous socio economic factors, personal, psychological, medical, childhood factors are play.

but what is not helpful is pointing out how fat someone is, many people eat for comfort, as a form of punishment even control, habit (it’s how they grew up) unpicking all of those is a conscious process of unlearning and therapy for a lot of individuals and that is cost prohibitive

then there is a very clear tangible link to weight and appearance. Yes it is multifaceted but eating disorders rose drastically in the 90s and early 00s with the rise of diet culture and media body shaming and ‘size 0’

but if your child is overweight then a large part of that is on the parents, pointing out the child’s weight won’t help, the parent is buying the foods, cooking meals, buying snacks, and was responsible for the building blocks of a healthy lifestyle, meaning balanced meals and active hobbies. If they have not baked that into early childhood, when the child has more bodily autonomy you cannot just sit back and berate the child for their weight. You still stock the fridge and cook the meals, and plan activities. A large part is still in your control.

(you in the general sense)

That is so true @Resilience about people who comment having their own issues. As an overweight person all my life i was gobsmacked as life went on to find that slim people have hang ups about their bodies and themselves, usually highly irrational to me. It never occurred to me when I was younger that anyone under size 12 could feel anything other than amazing and beautiful all day long.

God knows. My mum likes to comment oh I’m just thinking we could all be healthier. On the way into the shop wedding dress shopping instead of being excited I turned and says they don’t need you to point out I’m overweight. They have eyes ok !

This is so true! Such an insidious part of our culture.

Depends on the message and how it’s delivered.

My mum was terrible. I was dragged to weight watchers at 13. Told I had to be skinny and they only way to know if if I had a tigh gap and my ribs were sticking out. I did get to that weight and looked ill. The gp even told my mum I was underweight but she said it was healthy. I was told no one would like me if I was fat.

my mum is gone and my dad started the narrative too. But i told him to stop and he was relieved. He said my mum wouldn’t let him eat anything and only 1 meal a day was enough.

I am no way skinny now and probably a bit overweight. But I surprisingly have a healthy relationship with food. But do feel guilty when I eat.

Oh god yes, i worked with a company once, mostly female project team and it was all and I mean literally all they talked about. Over probably 18 months they were always on a diet, none of them looked any different. It was so bloody boring. Now I have a mother obsessed by weight even in her 80's and I am slim, i probably do have a disordered relationship with food in that I am never on a diet like these women were as I make sure I don't gain weight. But hearing them made me resolve even more to not talk about it.

The thing is as well, and im kind of getting hints of it on this thread from well meaning people.
People say 'i would be concerned about their health and want to talk to them about it'
But you also need to be aware that they know they are big and you only need to bring it up once, maybe twice at a push! I've got a friend who is overweight and has been stable at that weight for some years now (i would say around 18 stone) and sees her mum every couple of months due to distance, and her mum pulls her aside about her weight EVERY TIME. She's always very careful in how she words it, she's a very kind woman who is very conscious of wanting not to say the wrong thing, and she doesn't say the wrong thing, she just keeps bringing it up - and I wonder, why? Having the conversation clearly isn't working, so why keep having it? Why keep mentioning it? What's the driver there? My friend has said multiple times 'I know mum, we don't need to keep having this conversation, I appreciate your concern' but yet it's like she can't help herself.

That’s what I meant. It’s not healthy, in that it’s ultra processed white bread, ultra processed margarine and peanut butter (nuts are healthy but there are healthier ways to eat them), but it’s not as bad as a pure sugar chocolate bar etc

In my mum’s case it was/is for bragging rights . Now I’m skinny , but wrinkly so that’s not good either. She wants me to stop losing weight.

I actually feel really lucky in this regard - my mum never said a single thing about diet or food or weight growing up.

All I remember is she sometimes tried to get us to take cod liver oil.

Once when I was 17 she said I'd put on weight and I remember being really upset - I went swimming every lunchtime for weeks. Then lost interest in swimming and forgot about it.

I grew up not having a clue or any interest in the calories in food - I can honestly say I didn't look at calories until my early 30s.

I can only imagine what constant comments do to self esteem.

What I've also learned more recently in my early 40s is losing weight is a foolish game - maintaining muscle mass is far more important.

Because for women, our society values being slim more than any other quality / achievement. So it doesn’t matter how educated you are or what a great person you are….if you’re fat then you’ve failed at life.

Your post is the shite one. Being overweight is a health risk. Fat apologists are damaging.

My mum has always commented on my weight. I was a latchkey kid because she-out of necessity-worked full time and dad did shifts so I barely saw him. I’d have a snack coming home, she had me on endless diets. Now I’m an appropriate weight (I could lose a few lbs but I’m healthy, finally) and she’s panicking about how I shouldn’t lose any more, can’t win!

A colleague refers to her dd, 14, as ‘Fatty’ and explained that it’s ironic because she isn’t. She herself is not slim, her dd is not either but I wouldn’t say overweight. I think she’s asking for trouble using that nickname.

My bil also calls his wife ’Fatty’ yet she is probably the ‘perfect 10’ and always has been. She doesn’t seem to mind, she has a fabulous figure. Given my weight has been dire since forever, maybe I’m being paranoid for these people. 💁‍♀️