Why do mums comment on their daughters’ weight?

[ThatNimblePeer]

Just why? What’s going on there? Do they somehow feel it reflects badly on them if they have an adult daughter who is less than slim? Why? Why do they see it as their concern?

I worry about my daughter keeping to a healthy weight, but I don’t comment to her. As someone who has had both anorexia and bulimia, and still has body image issues, I am very cautious. My daughter is bigger than me, and I do internally battle with worrying about whether that’s ok or not, but I leave her to it. She is happy and confident in her body and I’m not going to ruin that by imposing my disordered opinions on her.

I wasn’t big at any point, just tall and broad shoulders

my mum wanted a size 6 blonde 5ft2 daughter in a family full of boxers and wrestlers and seemed shocked she produced a 5ft 10 one
i got yelled at once because my shoulders didn’t fit in a coat. Not sure how I’m supposed to change those

Because they are projecting their own issues and I think some women feel their daughter is a reflection of them with a mix of needing to compete with them

They need help basically

If any of my children were overweight I would talk to them about it just as I would with anything that would potentially threaten their health. Likewise if they were significantly underweight.

Well my guess is for some parents they simply get pride in their offspring being attractive. Some sort of social kudos perhaps? And if their kids are overweight then it’s embarrassing for them?

Women being slim are generally more attractive than if they were overweight in society. Therefore some mothers might think if their daughters are overweight, they will be seen as unattractive, men won’t want them, they won’t get grandchildren or whatever. I’m not saying it’s a rational mindset, but this is just what i assume the irrational thought process is.

my mum was kind of the opposite in that she felt jealous if i was slim because she was quite large. So she definitely wouldn’t comment negatively on what I was eating but instead would be more inclined to fatten me up! She would get offended if I didn’t want to eat what she was having etc

I'm 46 & not once, ever, has my mum commented on my weight. Or my sisters, or my kids. Not once.

It’s usually the daughters they comments to or about and not sons, sons are allowed to be a little bit chubby

IME, normally because their “D”M commented on theirs.
My DIL is mostly estranged from her DM now, and is battling a decade-plus long ED because of this behaviour.
Her DM is also in therapy because of the guilt she feels about causing this. Hopefully they can reconcile at some point…

Now this ^ , if I may say, is a brilliant Mum 👏

My Mum doesn’t comment on weight but her language around food is rubbish and I’ve had to ask her to stop a few times around my kids.

I think she lacks confidence and is quite negative about her appearance in general
and is quite black ans white in why you should / shouldn’t eat, wear etc. it was quite harmful growing up.

I agree with this. The answer on a societal level to address the ticking time bomb isn't to emotionally blackmail people into not talking about it. As a PP said, I'd be interested to know the data in countries where it's openly discussed and here.

Agree with PP - if your mum can’t talk openly about something so serious it’s a disaster

What about when she isn't happy and confident in her weight? As someone who was an overweight teenager school was absolutely horrific, would you support here in taking a more balanced approach to food and lifestyle? I don't judge my parents for not as they did the best they could, but my life would have been substantially better for those two decades if someone would have intervened and helped me.

It is also about modelling healthy habits and healthy ways of coping with emotions/stress.

so while what yoy say is important, you also need to share meals with your kids, sit down with them, making meal time a moment id sharing with no TV or other screens, and it s about and your husband eating the same as the kids and NOT commenting on your own body shape / weight or what you re eating

Of course a parent should support but you would need first to understand that you are beautiful anyway.

the way i would frame it is about your health ie. Risk of diabetes, heart attack, etc. If my child needed to loose some weight. But i would never frame it as you need to loose some weight and you ll be more confident.

it s the other way around. You need to be more confident in yourself and your inner beauty/resilience then decide if you need to loose weight.

i have body dysmorphia and i am a volunteer for an ED charity

Why do some people start a thread and then leave?

All sorts of reasons.

Putting them down, reminding them of pecking order, or concern would be my top three guesses.

My dm used to open the door every time I visited her and say 'Gosh, have you put on weight?' I'm still only a 10 now and I'm in my 60s. It was her rather needy way of reminding me she was queen bee.

Some people don't cope well with ageing. Just learn to ignore it.

Agree but it is about being mindful of the words one choose to talk about it because some words can be very triggering for an ED sufferer diagnosed or not diagnosed.

so always frame it as a health issue ie. Diabetes, increase risks of heart attacks etc

I’d guess they struggled themselves and are trying to help, I’ve sons and I’m sorry but I’ll definitely try and steer them away from falling into ‘junk food is comfort food’ trap I’ve fallen into

People say it comes from a place of concern, that mums worry about their kids, that you need to tell kids if they are overweight so they can tackle it.
Yes, absolutely. But nobody has ever had a eating disorder from a mum going 'I've decided we are going to try and eat a bit healthier and take our portion sizes, because if we are heavier sometimes that can cause us health problems and we want to be healthier, shall we start doing a lovely long dog walk on Saturday together? Lets have a look what recipes we can try' and continuing with messages like 'we'll have dessert once a week as a treat rather than every day'

This is a world away from the talk that HAS caused thousands of kids food issues, which is talking to them in ways which are rude and unnecessarily harsh, and repeating little digs and hints all the time. Parents will talk to their kids about food and weight in this way, but then tell that same child to speak to others kindly and respectfully. Or expect their child to behave well towards their friends or partners. When the language they use towards their child is repeated bouts of:
'You are looking a bit chubby'
'I don't think you need that dessert do you'
'Wow, I couldn't POSSIBLY eat as much as you, I'd feel so PIGGY'

Iy must be very hard for you but you re right and well done. She is lucky to have such an amazing mum ❤️

Yes it is about being mindful of the words we choose and how we frame it. Thats usually my message when parents call on yhe helpline

I think it's far more common in other countries

So true, when I visited Italy and the DC were babies/toddlers all the aunties told me I too skinny (breastfeeding), last couple of times I've been back (DC primary age) they've all told me I've gained weight and look much better now.

They are very blunt about weight in Italy! It's never bothered me (I don't know if eating disorders etc are more of less common in the UK or Italy).

How about when it's the parent that's morbidly obese? When I was a child, both my parents were heavy. My mother is 5ft 4 and tipped the scales at nearly 30st causing multiple health issues, she did lose some weight but the damage was done and now in her 60s has multiple issues, she has mobility issues and lots of complications due to unmanaged diabetes. She didn't do much with us as kids due to her weight, now she can't do anything with her grandchildren due to her choices. Growing up with parents that didn't know what healthy was is just as damaging. Ive had periods of being heavier and now i am healthy weight. I have no health issues and I have a daughter who i need to set an example too.

They do that with sons too. Or at least I’m struggling not to. It’s so hard, I worry so much about his health but at the same time I don’t want to make him feel bad. My fault entirely, I always cooked healthy food and encouraged exercise when he lived at home and his weight was fine. But I never really taught him how to cook and he’s got into bad habits now, at 37. I’ve not given up on him, but he’s like my ex, no willpower! He’s an adult and I’ve tried stepping back but I still worry…honestly I don’t know how to help him without taking his self esteem away. I think when parents comment on weight etc it does come from a place of love, they are worried for their kids’ health but get it all wrong!