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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do mums comment on their daughters’ weight?

173 replies

ThatNimblePeer · 10/05/2025 22:38

Just why? What’s going on there? Do they somehow feel it reflects badly on them if they have an adult daughter who is less than slim? Why? Why do they see it as their concern?

OP posts:
crankycurmudgeon · 11/05/2025 08:31

ThatNimblePeer · 10/05/2025 22:38

Just why? What’s going on there? Do they somehow feel it reflects badly on them if they have an adult daughter who is less than slim? Why? Why do they see it as their concern?

We have a lot of children's books in our house from the era when we were kids (80s and early 90s) and it is very striking how observations on characters being 'fat' as a moral failing is a persistent theme. In some of these books the whole plot is centred around a 'greedy' character who gets their comeuppance for being 'fat'. It kind of speaks to the zeitgeist of the boomer generation around weight. We have had to get rid of a lot of these books.

I think there is a latent anxiety in the boomer and previous generations (where fewer women worked, and the need to find a man as a provider was perceived as much greater), that a girl who isn't slim stands that much less chance of bagging a man.

Greenartywitch · 11/05/2025 08:34

There are different scenarios though:

  • It is normal for a parent to be concerned about an overweight child or teen and to want to help them be healthier
  • It is absolutely not OK for a mother of a girl who is not overweight (not everyone is meant to be model slim...) to force her neurosis about weight/food and obsession about appearances to a perfectly healthy child. Some women unfortunately do this just for the sake of being critical, out of self-loathing and because they bought into the idea that a woman's appearance is their only value.
Mountainfrog · 11/05/2025 08:35

My parents spent a lot of their adult life on diets etc (not massively overweight themselves but a bit heavy) my dad is terrible for commenting on other people’s weight all the time. Even though I’m not overweight I’m bigger than my sister and even when I have been on the slimmer side, I’ll get the “it’s so much easier to lose weight when you’re younger, try being our age” It’s not done in a nasty way, they’re nice people and don’t realise they are doing it. But I’m conscious I do give too much headspace to weight than I should because of it.

SunnySideDeepDown · 11/05/2025 08:35

Rainallnight · 10/05/2025 23:17

This is so interesting. I’ve been on a couple of threads about dealing with kids who over eat (I have one) and it’s so hard to know what to do.

Do you think there’s a way to handle it which doesn’t shame the child, or give them neurosis?

Just picking up on this with my experience - I grew up in a house with very few snacks. Crisps now and then but hardly ever any biscuits or sweets (that I knew of anyway).

If I wanted a snack, I usually made myself a peanut butter sandwich. Not healthy but I do think it meant I didn’t develop as bad habits of scoffing confectionary.

If your child isn’t too young, perhaps start pre-prepping healthy food for the fridge. Cold pasta salad, nice yoghurts, fruit punnets, nice crackers in the cupboard. If they’re hungry, that grab some of that.

GazellePink · 11/05/2025 08:50

I don’t comment unless my adult DD is looking unhealthily thin and only in the context of bone density. My mother was anorexic. I was anorexic. Twin studies have proven that anorexia has a strong genetic component. It’s also very easily triggered by remarks about size, weight, calories. It has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

DataColour · 11/05/2025 08:54

It's very common in other cultures to comment on people's weight. Whether you've lost or gained weight there's always a comment!

Rabidbunnyrabbit · 11/05/2025 08:57

Dressing it up as health concerns is a load of self-delusional claptrap. Designed to fool oneself while being shallow and nasty.

"You look fat. Stop eating"
"Boys won't want you if you're fat"
"Nobody will hire you because you're too fat"
"You're too fat for that dress"
"Hey fatty, put the pie down"

Yes, they really sound like concern for health. Do they fuck!

If it were concern for health, it would be more.

"I've noticed you have put some weight on. I'm worried about your wellbeing"
"You seem to be putting on a few pounds. Are you feeling okay"
"I'm worried about you. I want you to be happy"

The immediate comments are nearly always related to the visuals of a larger body.

Buyingahaus · 11/05/2025 09:00

My mother was like this. She recommended weight watchers, slim fast and the chicken soup diet to me when I was 17 and a perfectly normal size 10. She probably thought I was getting chunky as I wasn’t a size 8 like my peers. And she also once accused me of being bulimic! She commented on my weight and what I ate under the guise of concern. But I think she saw me as a reflection of her. She had an ideal image of what she wanted a daughter to look like and tried to mould me into that.

GazellePink · 11/05/2025 09:02

Girasoli · 11/05/2025 07:48

I think it's far more common in other countries

So true, when I visited Italy and the DC were babies/toddlers all the aunties told me I too skinny (breastfeeding), last couple of times I've been back (DC primary age) they've all told me I've gained weight and look much better now.

They are very blunt about weight in Italy! It's never bothered me (I don't know if eating disorders etc are more of less common in the UK or Italy).

3 million Italians have eating disorders - of 20 million people with eating disorders across Europe, not including the UK. It’s an increasing concern amongst adolescents in Italy.

Buyingahaus · 11/05/2025 09:03

She was just a mess of contradictions. She fed me a weekly McDonald’s because it was a cheap meal out so why was she surprised that I still liked yellow food when older.

SeriousTissues · 11/05/2025 09:04

My SIL has very disordered eating and has previously been diagnosed with an ED. She has been very controlling with her children’s eating, resulting in one of them bingeing whenever she can. Both my SIL and MIL (herself very underweight) would comment on the children’s weight with things like “look at that big fat round tummy because you’ve eaten so much”. It’s awful.

Mousespace · 11/05/2025 09:08

Oh God my mum's so weird with this, one of her fave topics. It's not even rude or pressuring to me anymore as an adult, its just so strange. I know being overweight unhealthy, but her comments and advice about it all are so out of pocket weird, I'm never mad I'm just trying no to laugh.

Recent one- before I got pregnant I had lost a load of weight. I still mainly wear lose clothes so I don't think she'd realised how much I had lost. My husbands gran died, so he couldn't be at my 20 week scan. Mum came instead, got my belly out, immediately "WOW I thought you'd be covered in stretch marks! You look better than I thought you would! You tummy looks great!" comments in front of the tech. While ignoring her first grandchild on the ultrasound screen. Can't even be mad or upset, it's just so bizarre and funny the things she hits out with- whys she been estimating my stretch marks :')

Can't wait to hear what she has to say after the birth. Think caring too much about weights just been set in her mind her whole life and she's weird about it. Won't join me at the gym tho 😂

LimitedBrightSpots · 11/05/2025 09:12

I grew up as a child who hovered between a normal weight and overweight. My parents didn't really comment on it, but it would have been useful to have had their help in dealing with it. They were loving and caring parents in most other ways.

Looking back, I can see in retrospect that the problem wasn't so much the weight, even at times when I was a bit podgy, but actually the lack of physical activity outside of school which led to poor fitness. We lived in a fairly isolated area where it was unsafe to play out, and playing out alone wasn't usual during our childhood anyway. You had to drive somewhere to do anything like bike-riding as there weren't any safe paths from our house. And our parents both worked full-time during the week and were exhausted by the weekend and so didn't really want to spend it doing active family activities.

What I needed was much less time being bored and much more in the way of accessible activities. My mother's food was fairly healthy, treats were sensible, but I just didn't get the chance to move enough as a child.

Realising this has probably manifested itself overly in my parenting, as although I'd never talk to my kids about weight (they're both under 11 anyway and I think that pre-secondary school/independence, it's entirely the parents' responsibility to quietly manage their children's weight and fitness), I do get antsy if they go even a day without doing at least another hour of physical activity on top of what they've done at school/nursery, and then something active both days of the weekend.

Maybe this is off on a tangent from the OP, but certainly before secondary school, my view is that parents should not mention weight but it's their job to provide the conditions for a healthy life. After secondary, when you can no longer control everything they eat, maybe it's useful to talk in generalized terms to kids about eating a healthy diet and doing enough exercise.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 11/05/2025 09:22

Is commenting on a person's weight connected with ED? We all presume it does, and that's half the reason we tiptoe around it. But in reality I wonder is that really the case? I would think the issue is the criticism and negative approach. If a person is critical about weight they are likely to be critical in other ways too. Also a mother obsessed with weight is likely to have self esteem issues herself that she is projecting to her kid.

Jen579 · 11/05/2025 09:29

I think parents need to look at what they fed their kids as they've grown up. If you've been fed crap as a child you're probably going to continue eating crap as an adult - and you can't then be surprised when your adult child is overweight.

Exercise is great for fitness but it's not going to make a massive difference to your weight if you're over weight. It's the amount of food and what type of food/drink that you need to get on top of.

You'd have to run for 22 minutes just to burn off a mars bar for example, so unless you're doing long stints of high impact exercise it's probably not going to have a huge impact.

It's important to keep talking to kids/teens about what's healthy and encouraging/enabling them to be healthy into adulthood IMO.

StMarie4me · 11/05/2025 09:30

I have 1 daughter and 3 daughters in law and would never do that.

My mother, on the other hand, put me on a diet in 1970 at the age of 8. I had weight issues and disordered eating ever since.

Terrifiedofthedentist · 11/05/2025 09:38

soupyspoon · 10/05/2025 23:23

I think we need to move away from this rather toxic narrative that the minute someone is spoken to about their weight and effects on their physical health that they're going to get mental health problems, we need to be far more open and factual and straight forward about our weight epidemic, it's damaging our whole society across a huge number of layers

I think you missed the point rather spectacularly.

i clearly said when someone berates another person for their weight the intent is never health because it’s not. When the intent is concern over health, it is raised in a calm and considerate fashion often with support provided and suggestions that can be worked on together.

berating, ie mocking, constantly criticising often in front of others is not conducive to helping anyone lose weight.

i had an ex that used to do that, if I sat down he’d reach over and grab my stomach, remind me I didn’t look like a model, laugh at me, object that I didn’t go to the gym every day (I didn’t enjoy it but I’d go to a few classes) all because he was concerned about my health. My BMI was 22 I was a dress size 10. Don’t actually think he was concerned about my health do we?

my mother used to grab my hips when I was 12/13 and mock my love handles, she used to pull the towel off me when I came out of the shower with my brother and say ‘dance fatty dance’, they made a song about how fat i was too. Was that out of concern for my health too?

utter crap

GazellePink · 11/05/2025 09:42

Dontlletmedownbruce · 11/05/2025 09:22

Is commenting on a person's weight connected with ED? We all presume it does, and that's half the reason we tiptoe around it. But in reality I wonder is that really the case? I would think the issue is the criticism and negative approach. If a person is critical about weight they are likely to be critical in other ways too. Also a mother obsessed with weight is likely to have self esteem issues herself that she is projecting to her kid.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3337892/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/mental-and-sexual-health/202503/why-you-should-stop-commenting-on-peoples-weight/amp

Yes, it is. There is extensive research in this area.

Associations between hurtful weight-related comments by family and significant other and the development of disordered eating behaviors in young adults - PMC

Research has found that weight-teasing is associated with disordered eating in adolescents. This study expands on the existing research by examining associations between hurtful weight comments by family and a significant other and disordered eating .....

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3337892/

Dontlletmedownbruce · 11/05/2025 09:44

@Terrifiedofthedentist I'm just shocked about that, why on earth did she do that? Have you ever tried to have it out with her as an adult to find an explanation?

GazellePink · 11/05/2025 09:45

Terrifiedofthedentist · 11/05/2025 09:38

I think you missed the point rather spectacularly.

i clearly said when someone berates another person for their weight the intent is never health because it’s not. When the intent is concern over health, it is raised in a calm and considerate fashion often with support provided and suggestions that can be worked on together.

berating, ie mocking, constantly criticising often in front of others is not conducive to helping anyone lose weight.

i had an ex that used to do that, if I sat down he’d reach over and grab my stomach, remind me I didn’t look like a model, laugh at me, object that I didn’t go to the gym every day (I didn’t enjoy it but I’d go to a few classes) all because he was concerned about my health. My BMI was 22 I was a dress size 10. Don’t actually think he was concerned about my health do we?

my mother used to grab my hips when I was 12/13 and mock my love handles, she used to pull the towel off me when I came out of the shower with my brother and say ‘dance fatty dance’, they made a song about how fat i was too. Was that out of concern for my health too?

utter crap

I had a few exes like that. Nowadays they would be shown the door at the first comment.

Terrifiedofthedentist · 11/05/2025 09:52

Dontlletmedownbruce · 11/05/2025 09:44

@Terrifiedofthedentist I'm just shocked about that, why on earth did she do that? Have you ever tried to have it out with her as an adult to find an explanation?

half the time she doesn’t remember doing it so gaslights me other times she was ‘concerned about my health’

Lampzade · 11/05/2025 09:53

SD1978 · 10/05/2025 23:21

Other European countries are much more blunt- they will not only tell their children, but they will also enact a plan. Being overweight as a child 8s miserable. It’s not ‘natural’ and it’s not natural as an adult. I don’t understand why we can’t be matter of fact about it. And I say this as an overweight child, who has now become a very overweight adult. I really wish someone had mentioned it to me- I genuinely had a bit of ‘weight blindness’ and knew I was overweight, but had missed how severe it’s become. Still haven’t done much about it, but that’s due to other factors. I think we should be able to tell out family members, but we can’t, because you mention it and there is immediate concern for upset.

You are absolutely correct . My Spanish mother in law told me I looked so ‘huge’ This was three weeks after the birth of my first dd btw
If she saw someone and they had gained weight she would tell them that they were getting fat .

Terrifiedofthedentist · 11/05/2025 09:55

GazellePink · 11/05/2025 09:45

I had a few exes like that. Nowadays they would be shown the door at the first comment.

Hence my my vehement position that berating someone is ever for their own benefit

Goldleafcat · 11/05/2025 09:55

Mintymatchmakerheaven · 11/05/2025 08:11

This. My mum And mil, both born in the late 40s/early 50s, constantly comment on their own and other peoples weight. My dd had an eating disorder in her early teens and my mum was always commenting on how slim she was. I've made a conscious effort not to comment on my dcs weight because I've always felt negative about my appearance.

They also comment on the tidiness/dustiness of peoples houses. Drives me nuts

Sounds like my MIL. She is obsessed with weight and constantly comments on other people’s bodies / weights. When I first visited her house with my now DH I was shocked at how much food they would serve - big lunches with several desserts to choose from, and the same at dinner time. Never had seen so many desserts! Also crisps, sweets, cake and chocolate. Turned out however she would just survive on cigarettes and sugary coffee through the day and eat a meal at night. She’s in her early 80s now (excellent genes I think!) and has had to amend her diet a bit after dodgy blood tests (she was living on cake and crisps we suspect).

She’s frequently complained about my weight to her family and friends - I was too fat for her son - despite him being several stone overweight at the time too (this was pointed out to her by a relative, but her response was ‘he is tall, he can carry it’).

Very sexist really, she rarely comments on a man’s weight. I watch her around my DS (who has just turned 3), she’s even commented on his weight (he’s like a reed currently but has been a chunky baby, absolutely normal!).

spoonbillstretford · 11/05/2025 09:56

crankycurmudgeon · 11/05/2025 08:31

We have a lot of children's books in our house from the era when we were kids (80s and early 90s) and it is very striking how observations on characters being 'fat' as a moral failing is a persistent theme. In some of these books the whole plot is centred around a 'greedy' character who gets their comeuppance for being 'fat'. It kind of speaks to the zeitgeist of the boomer generation around weight. We have had to get rid of a lot of these books.

I think there is a latent anxiety in the boomer and previous generations (where fewer women worked, and the need to find a man as a provider was perceived as much greater), that a girl who isn't slim stands that much less chance of bagging a man.

Also see 1980s and 1990s films.

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