To never invite them again.

[PatrickDog]

We have just come today from a holiday with my parents, me, DS and his girlfriend.

Just to add DS and his girlfriend asked to come and everyone had their own space, they had their own room and were able to do whatever they wanted and when so not tied to us.

Neither DS nor his girlfriend paid to come bar their spends as my parents wanted to do something nice. Previously to this I have spent limited time with the girlfriend and thought she seemed nice. She stays over a couple of times a week but I just leave them to it.

On holiday DS girlfriend complained about absolutely everything!

We stayed at a resort. On site the entertainment ended at 10.30pm and last orders was 11pm. DS girlfriend complained every single night how she couldn't believe it. We were very near a major nightlife place they could have got a taxi for less than a fiver and stayed out late.

Some of the on site attractions only opened in the afternoon. She complained. Again there was lots just off site.

DS and his girlfriend went to a paid for attraction of their choosing. Girlfriend complained the entire way round that certain small sections weren't open. The main things were. She also moaned that they had been rushed out to the attraction they had chose (at 2pm, it shut at 5!)

On the last full day she had a complete strop about DS wanting to go to the pool for the first time and screamed at DS who then skulked about miserable.

On the flight and journey home DS was out of character really rude to one of my parents who is now (rightly) absolutely livid as they paid for something special for DS girlfriend to moan all week and DS to shout and be rude to them.

Between them they ruined my parents holiday and in turn mine because now I'm getting it in the neck from both sides because DS is angry at being called out for his behaviour and my parents are massively pissed by the behaviour of both.

Neither of them thanked my parents for their free holiday.

I'm pretty upset tbh.

It's not not unknown for a 23 year old female to go out with a 21 year old male. It's hardly a big age difference!

eh?

Yeah this is a simple one, don't invite them again.

Yeah I don’t see the issue with this at all and find it bizarre that it would even be commented on.

21 and 23 is very age appropriate. I’d describe it as the same age effectively.

I wonder if Is it just because in this couple the woman is (slightly) older? And yet men regularly date women 7+ years younger and no-one bats an eye.

Agree on both points. Horrible yet apt.

Needs to hear how much he must have upset the GPs and hopefully make him see he should be ashamed of himself. Also remind him that she is a spoilt kid and everyone saw this.
Hope this minor stuff might make a difference. If not you might have to pin them up against a wall and tell them how f-ing out of order this all is.

Why was he rude to your parents? There isn’t enough context to understand the situation, but treating his girlfriend how you speak about her, banning her from your house or following the advice given here won’t land you anywhere you would like.

I imagine he was stressed out by his girlfriend’s constant complaining and dissatisfaction. That doesn’t make his behaviour acceptable but I think it’s not very surprising.

It’s called “feelings of entitlement “
very prevalent at the moment

I'd be hoping he'd be dumping her pretty quick if it was my Son.

Of course they need to be told that their behaviour was bang out of order. They also need to be told no further invitations will be extended to them.

I’d say she is not to stay at yours or visit until they both apologize to your parents and thank them, and apologize to you for spoiling your vacation. Let him stay at hers for a while instead. She behaved appallingly and very controlling too.

Nothing worse than someone putting a downer on your holiday, but a free one just takes the mick. I believe there are times when people should be on their best manners, holidays, Xmas and funerals. Just keep your own stuff to yourself, be considerate and remember, it's not all about you! If this person can't show gratitude and respect on a holiday that was a gift, they are unlikely to change!
They owe you all an apology.

There you have it!
Heres a family who totally believe that money is power.
Buy them a holiday expect total submission in return.
The focus on gratitude was problematic. Polite and kind behaviour should be a given , not more expected because the holiday was free!
So, I have no advice to give except to hope that your son finds a little gold digger who will grovel appropriately to you and your parents and then everyone will be happy. Except perhaps your son has seen the light and it's not the one being shone on his girlfriends behaviour but on the rich vein of entitlement that runs through this post and your family . In which case, somewhere along the line, you've accidently raised a decent human being.

Why and how was he rude to your parents btw?

This has clearly touched a raw nerve for you, @BonhomieNorthener, but surely you can still read and comprehend OP's multiple clear statements, eg:

he as a grown man got called out for screaming in the face of an elderly grandparent

for DS to publicly scream at his 80 year old wife in front of everyone.

Well - her OP simply said he was rude to his grandmother. That got upgraded to screaming at her only later.

I must say, I’d love to hear about this holiday from the DS’s perspective, and definitely the GF’s. Because the OP says his behaviour was unusual, and indeed says she’d never seen any bad behaviour from the GF.

Two sides to every story and all that…

I would have given tour DS a serious talking to and made sure he went over to grandparents with flowers and a sincere apology. As for her, she would not be staying over anymore!

It’s much easier to fall out with family than to build bridges. Don’t you want to keep your son onside? 21 and 23 is quite young, actually, although I agree their behaviour was very bad. On holiday people can be stressed and act out of character.
I agree with poster who says to stay polite to DS and GF - she may end up your daughter in law and mother of your grandchildren! But avoid holidays together in future. Different generations may not get along.

I'm curious about what happened. While I don’t think it’s acceptable to shout at your GM, I’d like to understand why he reacted so angrily and rudely towards her. As the OP mentioned, both her son and his girlfriend are adults, so she should treat them as such, rather than “sitting them down and telling them off” like teenagers. It’s natural to feel disappointed by their behavior, but instead of confronting both of them, it would be better to have a private conversation with your son to express your feelings. The situation became clearer once the discussions about money, the free holiday, and potential changes to the will emerged; it seems that control issues may run in the family.

Good grief. Get a grip with the ‘toxic family’ crap 🙄

OP’s DS shouted at his grandparents. It wasn’t just a rude comment. They were hurt and upset. People make throwaway comments out of hurt and anger when they’re feeling this way. Doesn’t mean GP are actually going to remove DS from their will.

And there were no bad vibes until the GF started behaving like a shitbag. SHE created the bad vibes.

Honestly, the only toxic thing here is your apparent sympathy for the GF.

The GF isn’t here to defend herself or put across her side of the story. Most posters have completely assumed the OP’s version is the only version. But that’s rarely the case.

I don't have DS but a DD now left home and married. I was always very accepting to any boyfriends but the one time one of them was rude to me and my elderly Mum (in my home!) that was it! They refused to apologise and hence I banned them from my home. DD broke up with them shortly afterwards.

As an adult who lost my beloved grandmother last year, the idea of him being nasty to your parents disgusts me. I would do anything for one last holiday with her.

I think some young adults have absolutely lost the run of themselves and how they imagine they can behave and what will be tolerated by those who care for them.

A couple of years ago my friend had a run in with her son who thought he could move his girlfriend in because she had fallen out with her flatmates because they were jealous of her??.

My friend told him absolutely not. Both sets of grandparents visited regularly and her daughter didn't particularly get on with her as she was a bit of a smart mouth, and this was her daughters home, so it would not be happening.

Anyway he was incensed at being told No, was very rude to his mother and she told him how he spoke to her was completely unacceptable.
He told her he didn't care and was moving out.

She told him at 25 he must do what he had to do.
He moved out and she wished him well but didn't chase him.
Her husband absolutely supported her and told him he was completely out of order.
He doubled down.

She was very hurt and upset but she said that if the cost of a relationship with him was verbal abuse, then the price was too high for her.

It caused a lot of chat among her circle of friends because as mothers is it a relationship at any price with our children?
Are we to be held to ransom by them if we don't behave or agree to everything they want?

Girlfriends/boyfriends moving in?
Made to feel uncomfortable in our homes by them constantly wanting to stay over?
Deposits for houses?
Free childcare?
Constantly being expected to have grandchildren for weekend after weekend?
Held hostage by them as we age?

These are constant threads on MN.

Anyway, he was in a full strop for months and didn't call.
Despite my friends huge upset she didn't bend.
He turned up one night out of the blue and apologised.
The girlfriend was gone and a nightmare to live with.
He had moved on to house share with a few friends and was getting on well.

My friend happily accepted his apology and no more was said. He comes home regularly and 3 years later they have a great relationship.

He respects his mother and realised she is not someone that will accept being treated poorly by him.

I have 2 sons in their 20's and I certainly wouldn't ever want them to think speaking to me like something on their shoe would be tolerated.

I have far too much respect for myself and they know it.

I think the OP's son has crossed a shocking line verbally abusing his grandparent like that, and I actually do not know how it can be recovered from, without an abject apology in person.

That his grandmother has been so ill, further exacerbates the sheer awfulness of this.

The girlfriend is obviously the utter dregs, but her son's behaviour towards his grandparent really is quite shocking.

Some seem to expect the independence and freedoms of adulthood without the dirty business of paying bills, and sharing the responsibilities that are attached.

As adult children they are not entitled to think their family home is theirs to use as they please, particularly while working.

Rent is expensive and affords great freedoms.
Paying pocket rent at home does not mean you have the same advantages, like endlessly entertaining boyfriends and girlfriends.

Some struggle with this since Covid.

The entitlement of youth. No more invites or freebies.

Not really anything wrong with a 23 year old to go out with a 21 year old?
That’s a very rigid view, assuming there wouldn’t be an issue with the GF being 21 and the son 23?
There was no implications that they HAD to take the GF on holiday, it was just a nice gesture.
The GF staying over comment is also very odd, it’s very expensive in many areas to have your own flat, why shouldn’t she stay over?
The gf has behaved very badly but I don’t see that has anything to do with any of the things you’ve mentioned, 21 year olds can be very immature and I think this situation proves that.