DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

[BeccaBoo9]

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

@ThatDaringEagle

Have you thought about getting the OP to sit down and ask her partner to try and see it from her point of view?

Of course you are supporting such coercive behaviour. It's certainly not an individual construct. Ask most of us Mums on here.

Perhaps show your post to your wife and get her to go through it and see whether she agrees with your point of view. Perhaps you should start by trying to see things from a woman's point of view. As you are clearly struggling with this, perhaps a more simple animal based scenario might help.

A female cat has kittens. You helpfully take the kittens off her, despite her evident distress and hand them over to another animal for them to look after, so that the local tabby can have his way with her again. Now how relaxed do you think that cat feels?

Women are not dissimilar when they have had a baby. They tend not to appreciate someone snatching their young from them, however well meaning. They are biologically programmed to focus on caring for their newborn, nurturing them and defending them. Crucially they are not only utterly exhausted and touched out from their baby, but they are biologically programmed not to immediately mate again so that they have the strength, energy and sufficient nutrients to care for their current and any future offspring. If you watch any nature programmes you will see this played out over and over. You cannot possibly understand the hormonal state of a woman and the workings if her mind and body simply because you are not one.

These are biological processes designed for the survival of any species. Validating a horny male's fragile sense of ego is really not a priority for most new mothers.

given the rest of the post it is surprisingly insightful of you not to say you’re also a wonderful partner. In case you want to upgrade to averagely decent partner one day, please remember that if your wife has clearly said she does not want to do x, then you organising x for the two of you because you want x is not kind or loving or generous or caring it is just really self centred and uncaring. Also, why do you give him points for organising his mum to look after the baby? He wanted the baby out of the way for the night, his mum was clearly by far the easiest option since she was keen, he could hardly have been lower effort here except by just putting the baby in the cot and walking out the door. Which even this idiot knew not to do.

How sexy do you feel if someone buys you an outfit that is:

• at least a size too small for you
• something you've never indicated you'd be comfortable wearing...

Imagine that you've already made it quite clear that you're not ready to do something your partner would like you to do.

How supported, listened to, considered do you feel if your partner then sets you up for basically a fait accompli, cornering you into doing that thing? Where if you object or refuse, you are then made to look like an ungrateful arsehole.

All of what the OP's husband and MIL did, only seems 'nice' or 'thoughtful and considerate' if you overlook the fact that he has utterly ignored how his wife actually feels.

Is it really 'thoughtful and considerate' in your world to ignore someones feelings?

Thoughtful and considerate would look like asking his wife if she'd like perhaps a meal out, whilst MIL babysits for a few hours.

It would look like listening to what she wants to do and what she feels comfortable with, and then respecting that, not pushing for more.

DH and MiL are idiots but meant well. It sounds as if you need some couple counselling because you are heading towards a sexless marriage. If childbirth was traumatic and this is making sex problematic then you may need to see your GP?

And if you are not breastfeeing a week-end without DC is a good idea - at least if you want your marriage to survive.

@ThatDaringEagle has made good points. And I am not a man! No sex for several months, because of pregnancy, childbirth and child-care is a long time for both partners in a loving relationship. From OP's DH's pov the relationship needs a kick start - and I think he was right.

From OP's reaction she is suffering post-natal depression and needs some help in what is becoming a disfunctional relationship.

Some of the reactions suggests that some people see sex in a marriage as servicing a man - which is deeply unfeminist IMO, suggesting a woman is a support person not a person in her own right who likes sex and needs some help getting it back.

Oh ffs!

Fucking hell - not even five months and he's complaining to mummy and friends about lack of sex life and "someone" suggested an open marriage?!

What a prince.

Be prepared for cheating OP. He's a louse.

To add - it could have been a really nice gesture tbh if it hadn't obviously come with the expectation of sex, and then pouting when that didn't happen.

Imagine your wife said that she was desperate to go ballroom dancing, really really really wanted to go ballroom dancing.

Now ballroom dancing is not your idea of fun right now - you had just had surgery, two hips replaced. You are still in pain and uncomfortable from that, plus exhausted from the lack of sleep due to your pain.

You explain to your wife that right now ballroom dancing is off the table for you - once you are recovered and feeling well again, you’d love to join her, but not right now.

However your wife ignores what you have said, books for both of you to go ballroom dancing, books a babysitter, has bought you a pink sparkly ballroom suit that is a size too small for you and is not at all your style. She then tells you that this is a surprise for you, a gift for you! She tells you that you should be ever so grateful to her for doing this for you, despite the fact you have told her that you can’t do this right now. And then when you tell her that you are really upset and cannot manage ballroom dancing right now - she gets mad at you and tells you that she was just being kind and considerate, trying to do a nice thing for you.

Surely you can see that this is not kind, not considerate, but is in fact utterly selfish?

What are you talking about?! They obviously meant well for HIM, her needs or wants weren’t even considered. Should she agree to his request for an ‘open marriage’ in order for it to survive? You seem to be suggesting she should acquiesce in every area in order to hold onto this misogynistic, selfish man child. This is the 21st century, women don’t need to put up with this shit anymore.

‘I’m not a man’. Sure Jan.

Plenty of people have long happy marriages with children without the women being forced to be separated from their babies and forced to have sex when they don't feel ready to with someone so disrespectful and selfish.

I suggested none of this. If a couple are not have sex several months after a birth then something is wrong. Either post-natal depression, or some physical problem caused by the birth. Either need addressing. And my ex wanted an open marriage, thanks, as long as it applied to him - my suggestion that I too should do this was not well received, so I am unlikely to advocate for it.

I am not. And I think a marriage without sex is dysfunctional. OP - and DH - need help. Probably a surprise week-end was not wise. Counselling and also possibly a physcial problem?
Why do you think I am a man btw? I am a GC feminist and I don't see women as support people for men.

But after several months that suggests there is something wrong either with the relationship or the OP i.e. post natal depression, some physical problem caused by childbirth. But then I like sex.

So instead of OP's DH discussing this reluctance to have sex in a reasonable and sympathetic manner, he thought it was a good idea to blindside her with the fait accompli of a night away from her baby and the gift of a tacky erotic outfit two sizes too small?

It was a purely selfish act on his part with no consideration for what OP would like. He then got drunk and said that as she didn't want sex yet, could they open the marriage so that he could sleep with someone else. What a prince among men he is! That would really help OP's post-natal depression if that is what she has got.

Whether a woman wants sex post baby depends on many things _ ths extent of her birth injuries, how much sleep she's getting, how long her hormones take to balance out and how supported and loved she feels by the babies DF. Sadly in this case the Op doesn't feel ready for sex or to leave her DC yet and that would be fine if her DH would listen to her, he's not listening and trying to force both issues together is the worst thing he could have done. Asking your wife if you can shag around until she gets her sex drive back is a one way ticket to the divorce courts. What would happen if the Op had an accident or illness that mean sex was off the menu for years, does that mean his marriage vows are null and void?
Your,DH has the emotional intelligence and committment of a seaslug Op, I'd trade him in for a goldfish if I were you

But after several months that suggests there is something wrong either with the relationship

Hmm I wonder what that could be? Someone who pressures a woman into sex and wearing clothes for his benefit only maybe?
How could this be addressed I wonder? Calling her names after she didn't want it and coming back from the pub implying all the lads had been discussing it and suggesting he shag other people. Yeah that should help.

This repetition of "he meant well" is riding roughshod over the many things that OP had stated she did not want.

Yes maybe it was dramatic and I'm not given to drama usually, actually I can be very detached, but let me explain.

I'm in my sixties and happily with a partner for nearly thirty years, but the OP's post took me back a bit, triggered me I suppose. I just thought about the times when I have been vulnerable, embarrassed about my weight, too tired to feel sexy after childbirth. When I've felt pressurised into doing something that I wasn't comfortable with for fear of upsetting the other person, and I just felt sad. Sad for the OP and sad for my younger self.

And I did say that I could cry, not that I was crying.

Or the partner is a self centred shit who thinks only about himself and not about the woman’s feelings and needs. Lets face it - someone who is such a self absorbed dick in one area is very likely to be the same in another which may be why the OP feels lacking in confidence about her body.

I’ve said before - the number one aphrodisiac for a new or recent mother is a couple of nights decent sleep and a partner who picks up a proper share of the load and is willing to approach intimacy without the expectation of PiV sex straight away.
I don’t believe for one moment that a man who orchestrates a night away from the baby designed entirely with his own pleasure and fantasies in mind is that considerate. Such men rarely make good lovers either.

Are you a man 'Isabellivi', because most women who've had babies sure as hell wouldn't say the sort of stuff you're prattling on about!

I think you’re a man because you show almost no empathy for the woman in this scenario. You are playing the blame game and holding her solely responsible for his frustration at the lack of intimacy.
You also seem wholly unperturbed by his mother’s involvement in all of this, as though that’s normal. It isn’t.

The OP isn’t some abstract concept, she’s a new mother and is experiencing just how gruelling that can be. She also has a dickhead of a husband and an inappropriately involved MIL. There’s nothing wrong with her, she doesn’t need counselling, she just needs to lose about 85kg of useless husband.

I have given birth 4 times. I get it. I never waited 3 months to have sex. My partner pressured me to have sex only 3 weeks after my last birth. I totally understand the resentment because even 3 months you are sleep deprived, etc

In fairness she may have a serious hormonal issue and ought to get her thyroid checked asap

Sex is very important to relationship otherwise they are room mates. Just because it’s not important to some doesn’t invalidate other people’s emotional needs.

The man is also going through a life changing event and this is a fact about male psychology : they feel loved and connected through sex.

Even most women would feel depressed and low self worth if their partner stopped wanting sex for 3 months. It would be incredibly humiliating and frustrating.

The mother’s involvement was to be a trusted childcare while they have a getaway. It doesn’t mean anything inappropriate. She simply was trying to help them get alone time which many people would appreciate

i totally sympathies.e with hormonal issues (having experienced major fluctuations and a thyroid issue)

It is not blaming or sexist to suggest she get her hormones checked and balanced, address whatever needs she is not getting met that cause her to feel so little desire for her man, get her thyroid checked (this can be very serious) and acknowledge that her partners needs may also be valid

Awful, absolutely fucking awful!!

Had this been a night away, a spa treatment maybe, a good night sleep plan he may have been trying to be considerate but was just thick.

However That's not how it was , is it! He and his 'mammy' ambushed you and coerced you into going away, regardless of what your wishes were. He THEN bought you a skimpy outfit which has never been your thing and THEN expected sex regardless of what your wishes were!! And you apparently are the bad guy in this.
I'd just ask him at what point was any of this FOR you?

I'm so sorry they're arseholes x