Page 10 | DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

BeccaBoo9 · 2025-05-09T19:47:05+00:00

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments. There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again. One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet. Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by. I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying. When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable). Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up. We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

LT1233 · 10/05/2025 08:55

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

Jesus christ. Girl, this ain't the guy you should be spending any more of your life with, I'm sorry. You need to start making plans xx

MellowCritic · 10/05/2025 08:56

Sorry he said what ? Ask him if he considers a divorce more appropriate untill you're feeling up to it. This is beyond disgusting and vile. I cant.. I just cant. This man is not suitable for marriage or to he a dad.

SmoothRoads · 10/05/2025 08:58

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

He sounds worse and worse. Unfortunately, some men don't show their true selves until children enter the picture.

You don't have to go along with any of it, OP. It's your life and it's now also your child's life. You deserve to be happy.

CaveMum · 10/05/2025 08:59

Oh my god @BeccaBoo9 your posts made me feel physically ill.

At this stage, for me, the relationship would be over. Instead of coming back to you with questions like “what can I do to make it up to you” and “tell me what I can do to help you get your confidence back” he decided to ask if it’s ok for him to shag someone else instead?!

He does not see you as a partner in this relationship. You are a glorified sex toy that he’s sulking about not being able to play with.

Take some time to think about what you want, but if it were me I’d be packing his bags.

Noshadelamp · 10/05/2025 08:59

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

How is he that desperate for sex and that disconnected from reality that he comes home saying that??
Oh I know, because he's just thinking of himself, objectifying women and thinks the world revolves around him thanks to his DM.

i get tou're both going to be tired and overwhelmed with the baby, but he definitely needs to start thinking from op's pov rather than listening to his mother and mates at the pub.

Chinnuy · 10/05/2025 09:00

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:54

It’s a bit complicated but the child lives abroad now. He has never had 50/50

Edited

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Well I don’t know the details but from the sounds of it he wasn’t a major part of his child’s formative years and doesn’t have a great track record for being adequately involved in his child’s life. The first child’s mother was also “young” but it sounds like she stuck around and raised the kid so him being young isn’t much of an excuse for his absence. I assume he was at least in his 20s and therefore an adult.

He’s coming across worse in every update and seems quite immature and selfish.

I think it’s hugely important he shows that he understands why you didn’t appreciate his little stunt with the hotel /outfit/MIL babysitting and sincerely apologises to you for it all and for calling you an ungrateful cow.

Dashel · 10/05/2025 09:04

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 10/05/2025 08:41

Have you read the OP’s latest post? The only thing he’s struggling to adapt to is getting sex when he wants it, he’s absolutely revolting.

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No because it was posted whilst I was writing. Sorry he does sound like a pig.

PurpleFlower1983 · 10/05/2025 09:04

He is disgusting. I would be kicking him out!

SatsumaDog · 10/05/2025 09:07

Dear God, it gets worse! An open marriage!? Wtf does he think he is! I’m sorry op, but he clearly only cares about one thing and it’s not you. Hideous behaviour.

ButteredRadish · 10/05/2025 09:14

MissFancyDay · 09/05/2025 21:25

I could cry for you Op. That was just such a shitty thing to do by both of them. I wouldn't blame you if you never felt like having sex with him again.

Don’t be so utterly dramatic! Talk about an overreaction. It’s shitty what they did, yes but crying!? 🤣

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 09:19

Men feel love and connection through sex. I can understand not wanting to but it’s not like he’s weird for wanting sex with you! 3 months is a long time. In his shoes wouldn’t you feel rejected and unloved? I know I would if my man didn’t want to have sex for 3 months

CallItHome · 10/05/2025 09:21

He forced you to leave your child without preparation.
He tried to pressure you into sex.
His mum was part of this appalling scheme.
He suggested an open relationship.
He did not consider your needs.
He did not consider your baby’s needs.

I do not think I could forgive this one Op. I am sorry x

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 09:21

if my man didn’t want to have sex with me for 3 months I would feel unloved and rejected. I understand post partum body can be difficult to adjust but what if he was the one refusing her sex for 3 months? and she felt undesirable and depressed. All the mums would be telling her how awful he is for not sleeping with her , he’s probably cheating, leave him, etc etc

EnjoyingTheSilence · 10/05/2025 09:21

Wow. He sounds worse with each post @BeccaBoo9

id be very tempted to pack his bag and send him back to his mum permanently

how dare he call you an ungrateful cow, for being forced into doing something you didn’t want to do. By having the skimpy outfit, he showed it was all about him, nothing to do with a nice treat for you. What an absolute pig. Good for you for going home.

I don’t know where you go from here or what to suggest but don’t let them make you think you’ve done anything wrong here. They’ve fucked up

CallItHome · 10/05/2025 09:23

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 09:19

Men feel love and connection through sex. I can understand not wanting to but it’s not like he’s weird for wanting sex with you! 3 months is a long time. In his shoes wouldn’t you feel rejected and unloved? I know I would if my man didn’t want to have sex for 3 months

Ugh. A birth is a major event for a woman’s mental and physical health. Most men would be understanding even if they didn’t like it. And they sure as hell would not do as this specimen did.

Is a relationship just about sex for you? That’s sad.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/05/2025 09:24

PetGala · 10/05/2025 07:17

I feel sorry for him. The outfit aside, he made an effort and was very thoughtful. The fact that you didn't wanna do it hadn't been clearly expressed. I feel sorry for him.

WTF? How on earth is it thoughtful to arrange a night of sex for a woman that isn't ready for sex after giving birth and who doesn't want to leave her baby? It was a treat for him (OP dressing up in (too small) tacky sex clothes for sexual intercourse) and his awful mum (getting the baby overnight), not for his wife.

CallItHome · 10/05/2025 09:24

ButteredRadish · 10/05/2025 09:14

Don’t be so utterly dramatic! Talk about an overreaction. It’s shitty what they did, yes but crying!? 🤣

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It’s a terrible thing to do to a new mum. Really awful.

Someone2025 · 10/05/2025 09:25

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

So he’s discussing your sexual relationship with his mother AND the boys down the pub…..what an asshole!!

thepariscrimefiles · 10/05/2025 09:34

ThatDaringEagle · 10/05/2025 05:49

I'm a guy & a proud & loving father, and I consider some of the reactions to this post ridiculously over the top, tbh.

Firstly, from a guy's pof what did DH do?. He took the initiative to book a nice romantic night away, with his post natal partner, to get away from baby for 1 night. He arranged the child's grandmother to look after baby, which was considerate to all imho. And he bought some sexy underwear as he probably thought it may help himself & his OH to get back feeling sexy & help revive relations between them on their only night away for maybe the past 6-8 months!. And that's it!!

I think he was actually trying to be quite thoughtful & considerate tbh.

I fully accept that this may not have been what is OH wanted at this juncture, but all he was probably trying to do was to encourage her maybe to get to the next stage. Was that really all that terrible?....

So he was a little previous & possibly the underwear was a step too far, but so what?

OP you're fully entitled to react to that initiative by your OH whatever way you like, but fwiw I think you should chat to him and say while you really appreciated the gesture, and the organising it was all just a little too soon for you. AND then, leave it at that!!

P.s. some of the reactions here are so angry, over reactive and OTT as to be completely unhelpful & counterproductive imho.

E.g. Do not book something you know your OH world hate to make your point. That's just vindictive, self justifying, expensive, folly and will only damage your relationship going forward. It's probably suggested by posters on here who have either none, unhappy or very one sided relationships with their partners imho.

P.p.s try to think positively about this whole experience e.g. that months or years from now both of ye will be able to laugh at each other's thinking and reactions, and how what your OH thought you would like was just like a really awkward moment of couple misunderstanding for you...

I'd share this thought with him too, it might help him see the lighter side of all of this after going to all the bother of booking a night away, organising his mother to stay over & babysit , and probably building himself up for reviving relations between the pair of ye.... only to see it all blow up in his face!!
(OH the joys of fatherhood!!:)) )

Good luck!

FFS nothing about OP's DH's behaviour was considerate. It was all completely self-serving for his benefit and for his mum's who was obviously dying to get her hands on the baby for a sleepover.

OP isn't ready to have sex or to leave her baby overnight. The too small skimpy outfit was just adding insult to injury and the icing on top of a very shit cake.

He has also compared her unfavourably to his ex who was apparently fine with having sex immediately after giving birth. That is something that only a complete cunt would do to his post-partum wife.

Yours is one of those 'man here to tell you women where you are all going wrong' posts that make me feel slightly sick.

Littlejellyuk · 10/05/2025 09:41

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it.

Open relationship? Wow 🫣
Is his willy that desperate? 😡

So now we get down to the nitty gritty.
In a nutshell, a break away and your baby minded for you overnight, was a smokescreen for a shag.
You didn't want an overnight stay and you didn't want a shag.
Hubby chose not to listen To you AT ALL.

Open relationship though 🤦‍♀️
He and his willy don't like playing second fiddle to the new baby by the sounds of it.

TwistedWonder · 10/05/2025 09:43

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 09:21

if my man didn’t want to have sex with me for 3 months I would feel unloved and rejected. I understand post partum body can be difficult to adjust but what if he was the one refusing her sex for 3 months? and she felt undesirable and depressed. All the mums would be telling her how awful he is for not sleeping with her , he’s probably cheating, leave him, etc etc

Aww bless the poor menz.

Don’t worry about the fact she’s pushed a human being out of her vagina who now consumes her every moment needing to be kept alive, let’s feel sad for the poor man not getting his rocks off 🥲

Like most new dads he’ll just have to make do with a wank until his partner feels ready

thepariscrimefiles · 10/05/2025 09:44

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 09:21

if my man didn’t want to have sex with me for 3 months I would feel unloved and rejected. I understand post partum body can be difficult to adjust but what if he was the one refusing her sex for 3 months? and she felt undesirable and depressed. All the mums would be telling her how awful he is for not sleeping with her , he’s probably cheating, leave him, etc etc

OP's DH has an older child with another woman who had sex with him very shortly after giving birth (he has thrown this in OP's face). The relationship ended after 12 months, so obviously having sex immediately after birth is no guarantee that your relationship will last.

Anyway, he has just come back drunk from the pub and asked OP if they can have an open relationship until she feels like having sex again, so he can sleep with other women. Thankfully, OP told him to fuck off.

TwistedWonder · 10/05/2025 09:46

thepariscrimefiles · 10/05/2025 09:34

FFS nothing about OP's DH's behaviour was considerate. It was all completely self-serving for his benefit and for his mum's who was obviously dying to get her hands on the baby for a sleepover.

OP isn't ready to have sex or to leave her baby overnight. The too small skimpy outfit was just adding insult to injury and the icing on top of a very shit cake.

He has also compared her unfavourably to his ex who was apparently fine with having sex immediately after giving birth. That is something that only a complete cunt would do to his post-partum wife.

Yours is one of those 'man here to tell you women where you are all going wrong' posts that make me feel slightly sick.

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Always good to have a bit of mansplaining in every thread to scold us for not doing our womanly duty and putting the blokes feelings first in every circumstance.

Every day another bit of man here misogyny on MN to remind us of our place.

FlakyCritic · 10/05/2025 09:47

tonyhawks23 · 10/05/2025 07:43

Sorry I've cocked up the voting with my stupid fingers,obvs I meant to vote for you,insane and icky plan from DH there.

You know you can change the vote by clicking on the correct one instead, it will cancel out the wrong vote @tonyhawks23 .

Daleksatemyshed · 10/05/2025 09:50

He was too immature to be a DF first time, well Op he still is, older but no wiser. If you'd gone along with staying overnight he wouldn't have let up about sex, he'd have pestered you all night. What a nasty, selfish little man