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Original poster

DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

338 replies

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 20:47

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

OP posts:
LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 10/05/2025 08:20

ThatDaringEagle · 10/05/2025 05:49

I'm a guy & a proud & loving father, and I consider some of the reactions to this post ridiculously over the top, tbh.

Firstly, from a guy's pof what did DH do?. He took the initiative to book a nice romantic night away, with his post natal partner, to get away from baby for 1 night. He arranged the child's grandmother to look after baby, which was considerate to all imho. And he bought some sexy underwear as he probably thought it may help himself & his OH to get back feeling sexy & help revive relations between them on their only night away for maybe the past 6-8 months!. And that's it!!

I think he was actually trying to be quite thoughtful & considerate tbh.

I fully accept that this may not have been what is OH wanted at this juncture, but all he was probably trying to do was to encourage her maybe to get to the next stage. Was that really all that terrible?....

So he was a little previous & possibly the underwear was a step too far, but so what?

OP you're fully entitled to react to that initiative by your OH whatever way you like, but fwiw I think you should chat to him and say while you really appreciated the gesture, and the organising it was all just a little too soon for you. AND then, leave it at that!!

P.s. some of the reactions here are so angry, over reactive and OTT as to be completely unhelpful & counterproductive imho.

E.g. Do not book something you know your OH world hate to make your point. That's just vindictive, self justifying, expensive, folly and will only damage your relationship going forward. It's probably suggested by posters on here who have either none, unhappy or very one sided relationships with their partners imho.

P.p.s try to think positively about this whole experience e.g. that months or years from now both of ye will be able to laugh at each other's thinking and reactions, and how what your OH thought you would like was just like a really awkward moment of couple misunderstanding for you...

I'd share this thought with him too, it might help him see the lighter side of all of this after going to all the bother of booking a night away, organising his mother to stay over & babysit , and probably building himself up for reviving relations between the pair of ye.... only to see it all blow up in his face!!
(OH the joys of fatherhood!!:)) )

Good luck!

Are you the OP’s husband? There’s so much wrong with this post it’s unbelievable. You’re behaving in exactly the same way as him by completely ignoring the fact that she doesn’t want to do anything that was suggested!

This bit especially speaks volumes -

‘It’s probably suggested by posters on here who have either none, unhappy or very one sided relationships with their partners imho‘

You couldn’t be more misogynistic, dismissive and disrespectful if you tried.

The fact that he involved his mother in all of this is beyond creepy and completely inappropriate. How about if he wants to ‘revive relations’ between them, he speaks to his wife about it, you know, the woman he’s married to? Rather than set up this whole thing with the connivance of his mother. The fact you don’t consider the OP’s feelings in any of this speaks volumes about you.

MightAsWellBeGretel · 10/05/2025 08:23

That was totally wrong and disappointing that your MIL went along with it instead of understanding how you're feeling and calling your D(ickhead)H out on it.

He is clearly her little Prince and I'd be very wary from now on. My MIL kept going on and on about us going out when ours was 8 weeks old becasue she wanted alone time with our baby, really. Neither of us were that keen, but DP thought it would be a 'nice break' for me and was chronically weak when it came to his parents' wishes. I went along with it because I felt like I'd look like some unstable, hysterical mother if I didn't. We both hated every moment.

If the dynamic between them wasn't clear before, it is now: he will involve mummy dearest to try and manipulate you into doing whatever he wants.

TwelveBlueSocks · 10/05/2025 08:23

That's grim.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/05/2025 08:24

ThatDaringEagle · 10/05/2025 05:49

I'm a guy & a proud & loving father, and I consider some of the reactions to this post ridiculously over the top, tbh.

Firstly, from a guy's pof what did DH do?. He took the initiative to book a nice romantic night away, with his post natal partner, to get away from baby for 1 night. He arranged the child's grandmother to look after baby, which was considerate to all imho. And he bought some sexy underwear as he probably thought it may help himself & his OH to get back feeling sexy & help revive relations between them on their only night away for maybe the past 6-8 months!. And that's it!!

I think he was actually trying to be quite thoughtful & considerate tbh.

I fully accept that this may not have been what is OH wanted at this juncture, but all he was probably trying to do was to encourage her maybe to get to the next stage. Was that really all that terrible?....

So he was a little previous & possibly the underwear was a step too far, but so what?

OP you're fully entitled to react to that initiative by your OH whatever way you like, but fwiw I think you should chat to him and say while you really appreciated the gesture, and the organising it was all just a little too soon for you. AND then, leave it at that!!

P.s. some of the reactions here are so angry, over reactive and OTT as to be completely unhelpful & counterproductive imho.

E.g. Do not book something you know your OH world hate to make your point. That's just vindictive, self justifying, expensive, folly and will only damage your relationship going forward. It's probably suggested by posters on here who have either none, unhappy or very one sided relationships with their partners imho.

P.p.s try to think positively about this whole experience e.g. that months or years from now both of ye will be able to laugh at each other's thinking and reactions, and how what your OH thought you would like was just like a really awkward moment of couple misunderstanding for you...

I'd share this thought with him too, it might help him see the lighter side of all of this after going to all the bother of booking a night away, organising his mother to stay over & babysit , and probably building himself up for reviving relations between the pair of ye.... only to see it all blow up in his face!!
(OH the joys of fatherhood!!:)) )

Good luck!

This is why I don't think fathers should ever get 50/50 custody of their children because they will never understand the very strong bond between mother and child.
They are also absolutely clueless about what their wives want. She didn't want a weekend away, tacky underwear a size too small or forced sex.
Neither did she want her MIL interfering in their sex life FFS.
She isn't ready for it, her baby currently means everything to her and is her whole world.
If you can't understand that then you don't deserve a wife or children.

andjustwhatfreshhellisthis · 10/05/2025 08:24

I feel sick reading that.

Your 'd'H is a disrespecting arse acting like a spoilt brat. And so is his interfering mother. How dare they try and dictate when you should be 'ready'?!?!? Fuck me.

Unforgivable in my eyes. Don't think I could bear to even look at him...urgh...what a turn off.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 10/05/2025 08:25

PetGala · 10/05/2025 07:17

I feel sorry for him. The outfit aside, he made an effort and was very thoughtful. The fact that you didn't wanna do it hadn't been clearly expressed. I feel sorry for him.

Well you go and meet him in the hotel and wear the skimpy outfit then.

Dashel · 10/05/2025 08:30

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 21:48

It was a jointly planned , no idea who suggested it initially but they were both well on board. If I was to guess, I’d say it was MIL’s.

Show quote history

Personally unless you know exactly what your DH said to your MIL, I don’t think you can blame her.

He could have been saying how much you needed a break, how tired you were and would kill for a good night sleep. She may then have offered to babysit and he said oh that would be perfect she would love it, rearranged plans and know nothing about the sexy underwear.

I would be mad at him for sure especially for the skimpy underwear but not so much her. I would give him credit for having it so close to home. He is also probably struggling to adapt and clumsily trying to help but the underwear is 🤦‍♀️🤮😡

Original poster
BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

OP posts:
LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 10/05/2025 08:30

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 08:17

It sounds like they really mean well but a few months is very soon. It is totally natural to not want to be separated so long from baby. I’m sorry they don’t understand. But on he positive your man is trying to connect with you in the best way he knows how and his mom is trying to support you. So it’s actually not so bad. I would squeeze into the outfit and muster up some appreciation. Nobody has ever done something this sweet for me

Behave like a hand maiden if you like, but the OP clearly doesn’t want to.

‘I would squeeze into the outfit and muster up some appreciation. Nobody has ever done something this sweet for me’

Can you actually hear yourself? 🤦‍♀️

Bunnycat101 · 10/05/2025 08:30

Ugg this is so vile. What is it with these man child men that can’t understand that sex is often that last thing on a woman’s mind postpartum. It is so bloody selfish. I couldn’t have left my newborns at 8-12 weeks for a weekend away. It honestly makes me feel sick when I hear stories like this.

Making an effort would be helping the OP at home, making sure the house was clean and dinner cooked rather than involving his MIL to pressure the OP into a night away she didn’t want.

Bunnycat101 · 10/05/2025 08:32

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

He is behaving appallingly. It makes me so sad for you. You are worth much more than how he is treating you.

MummyJ36 · 10/05/2025 08:32

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

Oh OP I’m so sorry. He sounds absolutely horrendous. Could you go and stay with some family for a bit? This is truly the last thing you need whilst you’re caring for a very young baby.

Gowlett · 10/05/2025 08:32

To get away from baby for 1 night…
Most new mums don’t want this.

Help with baby? That’s welcome.
Or even a bit of sleep, thanks MIL!

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 10/05/2025 08:35

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

I’m absolutely speechless OP, I’m so sorry. It seems you have bigger issues at play with this man, asking you for an ‘open relationship’ is just mind blowing. I would be asking him to leave, he can go and stay with his mother.

I hope you have support IRL, please take care of yourself and prioritise yours and your baby’s needs. This man isn’t worthy of you.

Radionowhere · 10/05/2025 08:38

I cannot tell you how much this would have upset me when my kids were tiny. I expect he's now being all self-righteous about the lovely thing he did that you've spoiled. YANBU
Major alarm bells at the open relationship comment. He's not a nice person.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 10/05/2025 08:39

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

@ThatDaringEagle Is this him being supportive, and a good husband? Should she agree to this? Will they look back on this in a few years time and laugh? The man is an absolute pig.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 10/05/2025 08:41

Dashel · 10/05/2025 08:30

Personally unless you know exactly what your DH said to your MIL, I don’t think you can blame her.

He could have been saying how much you needed a break, how tired you were and would kill for a good night sleep. She may then have offered to babysit and he said oh that would be perfect she would love it, rearranged plans and know nothing about the sexy underwear.

I would be mad at him for sure especially for the skimpy underwear but not so much her. I would give him credit for having it so close to home. He is also probably struggling to adapt and clumsily trying to help but the underwear is 🤦‍♀️🤮😡

Show quote history

Have you read the OP’s latest post? The only thing he’s struggling to adapt to is getting sex when he wants it, he’s absolutely revolting.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 10/05/2025 08:43

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

Yes dear, let’s have an open relationship. Let’s make it so open, that you pack all your shit, get a new house and move out eh? Or better yet move in with mummy!

Fucking idiot! Can’t he just enjoy having a new little baby and supporting its mother in this difficult time?

Going out to the pub all night and chatting to your mates about your wife not “putting out” while having a little 3 month old baby at home is also deeply grim.

SquishyGloopyBum · 10/05/2025 08:44

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

This proves undoubtably that it was all about sex. It wasn’t about reconnecting as a couple, not about giving you a break. All about sex.

Im not sure where you go from here.

you are in the trenches at the moment and so making big decisions should normally be avoided.

what about marriage counselling? He needs to see that this is not ok.

Original poster
BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:44

I can’t quote multiple posts so trying to remember some questions I’ve saw as best I can:

-DC is nearly 5 months
-I do have some friends near but my parents are about an hour away
-DH and ex broke up quite soon after the birth (within a year). It wasn’t a planned child and they were both very young.

OP posts:
Chinnuy · 10/05/2025 08:45

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

You know I suspected that was going to be his next question. Either that or just outright cheating.

I’m so sorry Op but no-one put him up to it, he’s blaming others saying it was a stupid idea but even if a mate suggested it, he could have shot it down instantly.

Instead he sat there and considered “their idea”, clearly thought it was a good option and then asked you about it. This wasn’t a spur of the moment thing. He had all the time from his chat in the pub - or whenever it was supposedly suggested to him - to the moment when he got back to yours to think it over. And he still thought it was a good idea to raise it with you - no one else can be blamed for that. He meant what he said!

I’d be worried about his commitment to staying faithful at this point.

ETA: yes I was the one who asked how shortly after having his first kid did he leave and not surprised at all to hear he left within a year! So a partner having sex quickly after giving birth does not necessarily a lasting relationship make…

Was he a “hands on dad”, I’m assuming he didn’t have full or 50/50 custody of his child at any point?

DecayedStrumpet · 10/05/2025 08:49

I'm now wondering how your sex life was pre-baby, it doesn't feel like this sense of entitlement has come from nowhere?

Was sex always on his terms before? Or have you just never previously said no to him?

IButtleSir · 10/05/2025 08:50

I would absolutely get rid of this man now, while your child is too young to remember him living with you.

ETA: For clarity, I mean divorce him, not murder him!

Original poster
BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:54

Chinnuy · 10/05/2025 08:45

You know I suspected that was going to be his next question. Either that or just outright cheating.

I’m so sorry Op but no-one put him up to it, he’s blaming others saying it was a stupid idea but even if a mate suggested it, he could have shot it down instantly.

Instead he sat there and considered “their idea”, clearly thought it was a good option and then asked you about it. This wasn’t a spur of the moment thing. He had all the time from his chat in the pub - or whenever it was supposedly suggested to him - to the moment when he got back to yours to think it over. And he still thought it was a good idea to raise it with you - no one else can be blamed for that. He meant what he said!

I’d be worried about his commitment to staying faithful at this point.

ETA: yes I was the one who asked how shortly after having his first kid did he leave and not surprised at all to hear he left within a year! So a partner having sex quickly after giving birth does not necessarily a lasting relationship make…

Was he a “hands on dad”, I’m assuming he didn’t have full or 50/50 custody of his child at any point?

Edited
Show quote history

It’s a bit complicated but the child lives abroad now. He has never had 50/50

OP posts:
Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 10/05/2025 08:55

So he went to the local pub and complained about the lack of sex and the men in there told him to consider an open marriage? After a few months?

You have more problems than you realise, he's a complete misogynistic.