To say no to Daughter carrying someone else’s bag at DofE

[DrSeuss84]

My 14 year old Daughter is about to do bronze Duke of Edinburgh in a weeks time. This is the first time she has done anything like this. She is quite slim and petite for her age.

I read that they should only carry a certain amount of their body weight so have been super selective and spent a lot of money buying lightweight items and researching the lightest possible gear.

At the practice run a lot of girls had much heavier bags. Some were packing skin care and makeup and other non necessities.

she doesn’t know the girls in her group but they all know each other and are an established friendship group.

Tomight she got a message from them saying they had all decided and agreed that they are going to bring a bag weighing device and weigh each bag and whoever has the lightest bag will have to swap bags with someone else on the second day to make it fair.

it was quite a direct message in the tone of “everyone has already agreed and it would be unfair if you say no”

My initial instinct was ‘no way’ Everyone packs what they want but we didn’t worked hard to get your bag light only for you to lug someone else’s bag around for 11 miles!

DD she is worried this will have her outcast from the group and turn them against her making the whole two days uncomfortable and isolating for her.

I don’t know how to tackle this at all. What would you do?

Utterly cheeky!

Tell her to stand her ground and refuse. Being a people pleaser won't get her anywhere.

It's up to them to make sure they can manage the weight of their own bags

Cheeky buggers! Absolutely your DD should not be lugging someone else's junk around becaue they can't be bothered to pack light. Personally I'd be inclined to get in touch with whoever is leading the task and tell them what is going on. Maybe they could send out a message to all the kids saying 'remember only bring essentials, because there will be no swapping of bags once you arrive' or words to that effect.

You need to let your daughter figure this one out on her own. You won’t be there so won’t be able to control what she decides to do anyway. But in an ideal world she would tell these girls to fuck right off and carry their own pointless shit.

Tell her to message back and say - You must be joking, you lot might want to lug all your make up around, but I don't, which is why I got all lightweight stuff, so you can count me out.😂

I'd be speaking to the organiser of your daughter's DofE group; she shouldn't be carrying anyone else's bag.

I think this would be pretty common although not as forceful as bag scales, which is a tad extreme!
When I did mine, we had 2 girls and 3 boys in our group, and to be honest, the boys carried mine and the other girl's bags a lot of the way.
I've just asked my husband, who helped run the DoE expeditions for one of the local schools for a bit, and he also says that bags were swapped out within groups regularly throughout to balance out weight loads

It’s normal on DofE to share out group equipment.

so for example if there is two tents and two cookers between two people it’s normal to split it up so each person carries some.

group equipment if it’s borrowed from school/scouts etc is rarely very lightweight. It can add quite a lot to the backpack.

DofE expeditions are done as a group. The group may well find that some are quicker or stronger walkers than others and it’s pretty normal for the group equipment to get rearranged about an hour into the hike as the girls realise that putting the heaviest pack on the slowest walker is not sensible.

in addition, the packs are usually weighed before they set out on the bus to ensure they are not overloaded. They might have ideas about taking makeup etc now but the leaders are likely to persuade them this is not a good idea.

in short, this is unlikely to happen and if it does they will realise pdq it’s a bad idea.

When we did D of E the heaviest items were things like the cooker , don’t the group need to split these use between themselves.
She needs to stand up for herself and say that they should wait and see how individual members are managing at the end of Day 1.

My niece is a tall rangy girl used to hill walking . She always ended up carrying the lion share of the group kit as by her taking a heavy load it helped the whole group make good time.

They should work as a team, but all need to pack as light as possible .

I would stay out of it as a parent because it's their expedition.

But... That said...

I'd support my daughter to ask questions about whether everyone was keeping personal kit to a minimum necessities. And I'd suggest to my daughter that she suggests they try to pack the bags as evenly as possible (sharing group kit fairly so no one has a particularly heavy bag). And that they redistribute group kit during the expedition if needed based on the needs of the team as a whole (if someone is particularly struggling and another isn't, it's fine to make a team decision to take most of the group kit off that one person and share it between strong people).

They need to focus on completing the expedition as a team, which may mean some of them end up supporting others by taking heavier kit/group kit/even taking heavier stuff off them. But they won't know who is strong/who struggles (and this may fluctuate over the course of the expedition too). Taking a weighing device won't help - the girls need to think more about supporting each other and pulling together as a team, rather than what the scales say.

that's outrageous.

Take the matter to the leader & point out the advice about % of their own body weight. Politely and firmly.

There was a very petite girl in DS's group. The bigger lads carried more of the tent & cooking equipment to help keep load down for the small lass, but this was arranged in advance, and the lads volunteered rather than anyone dictated.

I’d contact whoever is organising the expedition and tell them about this. They can then make it clear that everyone has to carry their own bag for the duration of the trip, without letting the group know that this is the result of any individual concern.

THIS!

This

Don't go to the leader, it'll make things weird for her x

I’d teach her the art of lightheartedly wriggling out of something - maybe give her some ideas for wording but leave it up to her to execute? ‘Ah fun idea, good luck with that. I won’t join you as I’ve spent so long perfecting my packing!’

Teach her it’s okay to stand up for yourself even when others have made assumptions or haven’t left any space for her ideas or consent.

Ridiculous. Swap around the communal stuff, tent poles, stove, food etc. but not personal crap.

Is this their practise hike or the assessed one? If the assessed then they really should have figured out their essentials for the trip and be packing accordingly. Eg avoid tinned food if possible as the cans are heavy weights. Only pack essentials and decant needed toiletries into smaller bottles to last the trip duration.

Group kit will be shared amongst them and I've known for people to switch bags among the group to give someone who's struggling a break and chance to catch up. But going to the extreme of a bag scale is ridiculous. That's even a small extra weight that they don't need to carry. Plus, their bags will all need to be readjusted to fit properly. It can be a pita to get your own to fit and feel comfortable.

I'd be happy with group gear being switched round but not for the kids to be planning on carrying someone else's load before they've even left for the trip. Accidents, illnesses and emergencies aside. There's no need for it.

Chuck a couple of bricks in the bottom for the weighing and then ditch them before the walk

Tell her to message back I've bought light things and going without non essentials to keep my back pack as light as possible. I'd advise you to do the same. She probably will have to take a share of caring portable cooker though.

There is an element of one having been allocated tent poles, tins of food, another the tent so they are expected to split things by weight. It's part of it.

You can't get involved. She has to figure this out for herself.

Tell her to pack two litres of water for the day 1 weigh in so her bag is the heaviest. Then sneakily ditch the water and offer to keep carrying her bag in day 2.

My daughter is small (only 5’1) and her backpack was brought specifically for shorter people to be comfy. Swapping items/ redistributing the load would work but swapping bags physically wouldn’t.

This if it is properly organised this should not happen and a quiet word might help

This, definitely.

When my DD did bronze there was a bit of bickering re who would carry the heaviest items. They figured out themselves by flirting a boys group who ended up carrying most of their stuff for them the last few miles.

Please don’t get involved. The whole point of DofE is to be resourceful, fend for yourself and teamwork.

She needs to stand firm with "I'll leave you ladies to it with the load sharing agreements. I'm packing light to make my life easier, so I'll be keeping my own bag throughout. I'm happy to share my packing list if any of you are keen to reduce your load."