To say no to Daughter carrying someone else’s bag at DofE

[DrSeuss84]

My 14 year old Daughter is about to do bronze Duke of Edinburgh in a weeks time. This is the first time she has done anything like this. She is quite slim and petite for her age.

I read that they should only carry a certain amount of their body weight so have been super selective and spent a lot of money buying lightweight items and researching the lightest possible gear.

At the practice run a lot of girls had much heavier bags. Some were packing skin care and makeup and other non necessities.

she doesn’t know the girls in her group but they all know each other and are an established friendship group.

Tomight she got a message from them saying they had all decided and agreed that they are going to bring a bag weighing device and weigh each bag and whoever has the lightest bag will have to swap bags with someone else on the second day to make it fair.

it was quite a direct message in the tone of “everyone has already agreed and it would be unfair if you say no”

My initial instinct was ‘no way’ Everyone packs what they want but we didn’t worked hard to get your bag light only for you to lug someone else’s bag around for 11 miles!

DD she is worried this will have her outcast from the group and turn them against her making the whole two days uncomfortable and isolating for her.

I don’t know how to tackle this at all. What would you do?

I think going down the route of:

‘My rucksack is adjusted for my height, so I don’t want to swap bags. I’m happy to change around how we share out the tents etc every few hours though. We could weigh the equipment to make sure it’s spread out fairly evenly.’

Please do this!

I can vouch from experience that carrying way over 25% of your (meagre) bodyweight in an ill-fitting rucksack somewhat dampens the fun. (Women's fit either wasn't a thing or was ridiculously niche and expensive and not avaliable in our small, provincial Yeomans 30 years ago)

On the Bronze practice, our teachers went through the more suspect, overloaded bags. I remember a hairdryer and 2l bottle of concentrated squash being confiscated. There was no electricity on the campsite... or showers.

Shared kit should be spread relatively evenly but considering group members' ability to carry it.

No one should be wasting energy carrying useless stuff like make-up for others. She needs to stand her ground.

when my DS did his a few years back he had a mixed group but it was one of the boys who wasn’t able to manage his kit, like any of it!

the rest of the group on day one ended up carrying his rucksack between them. 4 of them each with a corner walking with it whilst carrying their own stuff. My DS had the tent for their group so the heaviest item after we’d packed light!

by the next day they realised the sensible thing was for them to just divide the kids stuff up between them all. And I mean all his stuff! Not just the group kit all of it. The kid ended up pulling out part way on the second day and the rest of the group got a bollocking for not doing enough! My Dads response - it was hardly like we could carry him!

thankfully he had a really good group and they just dealt with it and laughed it off.

ultimately though you just need to leave her to sort it out herself.

This. But she needs to say nope we have invested in light weight stuff for a reason. My daughter did her Gold D of E and took a shovel, she wee and toilet paper. They took plug in hair straighteners, hair dryers etc and make up. Mine rolled her eyes and cracked on. On the second day they borrowed her shovel

Tell her to agree so long as they get to go through everyone’s bags first to remove any unnecessary contents, because it wouldn’t be fair to make the bag heavier for someone else unnecessarily

I would think that packing your bag sensibly so that you CAN carry it is part of the whole point of the exercise. Whoever is organising this should be able to stress that point and ensure that everyone is carrying their own stuff, so I'd talk to them.

Hmmm ... what's the betting that this idea was generated by High Maintenance Maisie who is carrying hair straighteners, their full make-up collection and five changes of clothes? And what's the further betting that, if they go through with it, High Maintenance Maisie will spend 5 minutes carrying her two ton rucksack before offloading it for an all-day game of pass the parcel|?

If she’s worried about being outcast because of a bag, she definitely will if her mother goes to someone moaning about it.

Let them all deal with it between themselves.

This. And then the message comes from them.

That is a form of bullying and I would report them to the organisers.

So cheeky.

Could she say 'in that case there's no point in my packing light, so I'll be bringing my book, power bank, toiletries etc' and whatever heavy stuff you can think of that might be reasonable/unreasonable to take on the trip 😆

Don’t get involved. She will figure it out. I remember people on my DoE having to carry other people’s stuff because some people were too weak. It’s a team effort. That’s what it’s all about – learning to work together to the best of everyone’s varied abilities. Inevitably there will be disagreements and that’s OK.

That's ridiculous. Agree completely that if you pack it, you carry it. Obviously with the exception of those with disabilities.

As others have said, I am sure that sharing the weight between the group is part of the experience and is about them learning how to work as a team, just like they will be setting their pace by the slowest member.

Some people will be stronger and will end up carrying more than the others. But they won't necessarily be more challenged by having done that - in fact, they might even feel good about their strength and ability to contribute.

I definitely do not think you should intervene. There is usually a bag check before they set off anyway, to weed out ridiculous items.

This is 100% her issue to solve. Let her resolve it.

'I have a condition, not at liberty to disclose, but this is the maximum weight I am allowed to carry". End of. Apologies, not at liberty to disclose more. Agree with your daughter, that this condition is going to be 'not allowing CFers to take advantage', it will be your in-joke.

Sounds unfair to me. You make an effort to pack light and get punished by getting heavier items of the shared stuff.

Thats what I think too. Plus you choose your backpack to fit you and you look after it.

The whole point of DofE is teamwork and thinking of others and helping them.
I don’t know when it became a sign of weakness to help others - it used to be a sign of strength. Now it seems to be think of yourself first and only. It’s such a shame.
Sharing out the weight is normal on DofE expeditions.

She won't be damaged by carrying more than whatever-percentage-of-her-bodyweight-is-recommended. That's the joy of being young! If anything, she'll just get stronger.

If she's irked by the principal, really, that's gor her to sort. Surely this is exactly the dort of thing she should be practicing navigating? Part of growing up. I think to interfere, will do more harm than good, if she's old enough yo go on such a trip.

That’s the way it is.It’s about working as a team. They all have to finish.

If she doesn’t like working as a team, it’s probably not the thing for her. Does she actually want to do it or is ig just for her uni personal statement as they don’t care about DofE anymore.

A really easy way to say no is that her backpack has presumably been fitted to her in the shop, chosen for its comfort and suitability for her shape. Rucksacks are like shoes - you need to wear your own.

But it discourages people packing light to help the team if they can pass the weight to someone else. Part of working as a team is doing without non-essentials to make the bags lighter