To say no to Daughter carrying someone else’s bag at DofE

[DrSeuss84]

My 14 year old Daughter is about to do bronze Duke of Edinburgh in a weeks time. This is the first time she has done anything like this. She is quite slim and petite for her age.

I read that they should only carry a certain amount of their body weight so have been super selective and spent a lot of money buying lightweight items and researching the lightest possible gear.

At the practice run a lot of girls had much heavier bags. Some were packing skin care and makeup and other non necessities.

she doesn’t know the girls in her group but they all know each other and are an established friendship group.

Tomight she got a message from them saying they had all decided and agreed that they are going to bring a bag weighing device and weigh each bag and whoever has the lightest bag will have to swap bags with someone else on the second day to make it fair.

it was quite a direct message in the tone of “everyone has already agreed and it would be unfair if you say no”

My initial instinct was ‘no way’ Everyone packs what they want but we didn’t worked hard to get your bag light only for you to lug someone else’s bag around for 11 miles!

DD she is worried this will have her outcast from the group and turn them against her making the whole two days uncomfortable and isolating for her.

I don’t know how to tackle this at all. What would you do?

I agree with your daughter, why cause problems before she even gets there. It would be horrible for her to be dreading it. They will sort it out between themselves. Give her the confidence to offer to carry something extra rather than swap bags. I hope she has fun. My daughter loved them and didn’t know anyone.

I agree. Let the organisers know that this is going on and let them veto it.

My DD’s done bronze, silver, and gold, and at the start of each the staff weighed their bags and shuffled tent poles, trangias etc to make them all more equal. One of them who took a load of crap to bronze (make up, straighteners etc) had it taken off her.

Whole heartedly agree with pp who say you need to make sure she stands her ground & say No. or speak to the teacher and ensure she enforces carrying own bag. Dd did bronze and vastly reduced her bag for silver despite it being an extra night because she’d had to carry all the stuff she’d never used!

In my opinion you should let her sort this out herself. Isn’t that the value of this kind of activity. If she feels it unfair then she should say that to the other girls. If she doesn’t have the confidence to speak up then she will have to go along with it? When my son did similar, he ended up carrying a lot of the water for the group. Some carried much less weight but it iall worked out. And he wasn’t the heaviest kid there.

If the expedition leaders are worth their salt, they will be checking bag contents and the weight of the bags before setting off anyway. My son and his peers had to unpack and repack their bags under supervision to make sure they were all carrying only the essentials listed / had everything they needed, and that their bags were under the maximum weight. Group items were then shared out accordingly.

Why are you involved? You don’t tackle it because it’s nothing to do with you.

They’re supposed to be a team, that’s the whole point and they don’t pass unless they all do so will need to take turns. My son’s group split up the heavy stuff( tent, cooker etc)and ended up carrying one member's kit because he hurt his leg. It was a great learning experience.

You really aren’t teaching her to have the right attitude.

They should not be swapping rucksacks around, though as PPs say they will need to distribute shared kit.

so have been super selective and spent a lot of money buying lightweight items and researching the lightest possible gear

How things have changed!

Smaller people can be pretty strong you know.

Anyway, leave it to your DD to resolve. This sort of thing is all part of the challenge. You're not going to be there on the walk.

I do feel for her though, being the only one who isn't part of an already established group. How did that come about?

Talk about infantilising teens. It’s nothing to do with parents- that’s the whole point!!!

Get those empty water things and fill with loads of water so that her bag is heavy and then on the journey she can just pour out the 4 or 6 litres somewhere random and carry the lightweight pouches 😂

I cba with other humans so I'd just make sure my dds are mid range weight and tell her to then pour out the extra kg haha

Those water pouches you can get for hiking etc they have a end bit like fruit pouches.

She should reply 'No way! I've deliberately packed a light bag and that is the one I'll be carrying. Up to you what you do!' Anything else is a bowing to peer pressure that she will regret later. Provided she actually wants to observe the 'percentage of body weight' rule and it's not being forced on her by you?

DD packed super light and was really careful...and so got lumbered with the heaviest communal kit - tent, trangia as a result. So I wouldn't be counting your chickens having bought ultra light kit.

Teenage girls are MEAN. Lugging an extra heavy backpack would feel like a drop in the ocean compared to rhe miserable time she might experience as a result of a fuss you've kicked up or encouraged her to kick up.

So I'd think very carefully about saying anything or encouraging her to.

Tell her to put some heavy stones in her bag and ditch them along the way.

You need to let her navigate it, it’s part of the experience

Ideally she will stand her ground with girls and explain that she’s making her own bag as light as possible and they should do the same, and that it’s fair for group stuff to be shared about and swapped regularly but not personal items. Might cause an argument but that’s part of the experience.

If she chooses not to and ends up carrying someone else make up on day 2 that’s part of the experience too, and hopefully will encourage her to either say something there and then or resolve to stand up for herself in the future.

She needs to work it out for herself though. If you fight it for her it defeats the object.

I would suggest she needs to reply with something lighthearted but firm, her bag is fitted for her (you’ve said she’s petite!) and she’s not prepared to swop it , but they can swop group kit around depending on who’s struggling each day .

Tell her to write back “😂😂 yea that’s not happening”

I can’t imagine carrying the extra weight of the bag weighing device in the first place!

It took me a while to find a backpack that sat properly on my shoulders and round my waist. I tried 2 packs before that and I was in pain and blistered. Could you also point out that backpacks are adjusted to fit the individual's frame?

I think they are talking about the difference of weight due to communal equipment in which case it is absolutely fair to swap

I'd have a quiet word with the organisers, unless it is usual practice.

Half the point of Duke of Ed is learning how to negotiate a group environment and work as a team.

I can't believe people would be getting involved with this. This sort of discussion is exactly what she should be learning from Duke of Ed.

Ordinarily I would agree but one (outsider) teenage girl taking on an established group while away from home is a big ask.

This.

Your DD is going to have to carry communal kit in addition to her own. It’s difficult to split equally.

The whole point of DofE is teamwork, not whose parents can afford the lightest equipment.

Poor kid. You don’t have much confidence in her.