Page 5 | To say no to Daughter carrying someone else’s bag at DofE

DrSeuss84 · 2025-05-09T19:35:59+00:00

My 14 year old Daughter is about to do bronze Duke of Edinburgh in a weeks time. This is the first time she has done anything like this. She is quite slim and petite for her age. I read that they should only carry a certain amount of their body weight so have been super selective and spent a lot of money buying lightweight items and researching the lightest possible gear. At the practice run a lot of girls had much heavier bags. Some were packing skin care and makeup and other non necessities. she doesn’t know the girls in her group but they all know each other and are an established friendship group. Tomight she got a message from them saying they had all decided and agreed that they are going to bring a bag weighing device and weigh each bag and whoever has the lightest bag will have to swap bags with someone else on the second day to make it fair. it was quite a direct message in the tone of “everyone has already agreed and it would be unfair if you say no” My initial instinct was ‘no way’ Everyone packs what they want but we didn’t worked hard to get your bag light only for you to lug someone else’s bag around for 11 miles! DD she is worried this will have her outcast from the group and turn them against her making the whole two days uncomfortable and isolating for her. I don’t know how to tackle this at all. What would you do?

Theroadt · 09/05/2025 23:16

Knittedfairies2 · 09/05/2025 20:42

I'd be speaking to the organiser of your daughter's DofE group; she shouldn't be carrying anyone else's bag.

This

KimberleyMilkado · 09/05/2025 23:17

I thought it was going to be about carrying someone else’s baby, so there’s that.

Waterweight · 09/05/2025 23:19

Sounds like something you should have looked into before spending £££ giving your daughter An "advantage" when I think most people would expect to alternate if some of the bags are heavier & children in her age group should be able to sort through unnecessary crap to not weigh themselves down but ultimately they will learn through experience (having to carry there bags) & criticism (having to carry each others bags)

midlandsmummy123 · 09/05/2025 23:20

I had similar recently - DD's own rucksack was flipping heavy enough but they had to split the camping equipment between them and DD who was the smallest in her group ended up with the tent! For context DD is 5ft tall and weighed 38kilos, the DOE bronze guidelines suggest they carry no more than 25% of their body weight which would be 9.5 kilos and DD's empty! rucksack, sleeping bag and the tent weighed a combined total of 11kilos - I was squeezing out half of her tube of toothpaste etc to try and save weight wherever we could.

I wasn't impressed and emailed the school but the teachers had told them to sort it out between themselves. Fortunately in our case DD is very fit and very determined so she was fine but I was worried about injury, at least your DD isn't doing it in February as mine was.

nomas · 09/05/2025 23:20

forgotmyusername1 · 09/05/2025 23:14

I mean maybe she could pack something heavy for weighing day... and leave it behind

Pack of spuds in the bottom of the bag

Genius!

Seriously though, OP, tell the organisers. This is verging on soon to be bullying.

Justlurking10 · 09/05/2025 23:41

Has her bag been specifically fitted to her. I know bothy hiking day sack and my big camping pack are both altered in the back length to fit me perfectly. I would not be swapping bags with anyone.

if you’ve also spent money on a decent backpack then I would not be happy about her changing to a cheap version that doesn’t fit well.

maybe tell her she needs to alternate carrying some of the heavier equipment but she will not be carrying anyone else’s bag x

CalmDownCats · 09/05/2025 23:46

Can she swap groups? It sounds like she's in with a group of wronguns.

Surely they're supposed to bring the very basics. Dd had a toothbrush, toothpaste, mini shower gel, deodorant and suncream.

Summerbay23 · 09/05/2025 23:50

Who carrying the tent, stove, food etc? Is that why they’re sharing the load? If so that’s likely to be fair? I can’t imagine anyone is really carrying loads of makeup etc?

ClairDeLaLune · 09/05/2025 23:55

Mrsgreen100 · 09/05/2025 20:51

Chuck a couple of bricks in the bottom for the weighing and then ditch them before the walk

Great idea!

Schnooples485 · 10/05/2025 00:08

I would take it to the D of E leaders. My pack was heavy enough doing D of E as a teen, I can’t imagine making it up a big hill if it had any extras in it! The weight guidance is for safety, and so that the children can complete what is quite a tough challenge, even at bronze level.
I understand that it might be difficult for your DD to stand up to her friends, so I really think you need to get the leaders involved. Our leaders were brilliant, really good with teens and no BS. If hers are any good they won’t allow ‘swapping bags’ to happen. It sounds as if the queen bee has the heaviest bag and has decided this is her way around it!

tachetastic · 10/05/2025 00:21

That is ridiculous. All the kids will need the same stuff so if someone’s bag is lighter it’s because they packed sensibly, they should not be punished.

Personally, unlike some PPs, I would not leave this to your daughter to sort out. You are the parent. You should speak to the organisers to make sure she is not left carrying someone else’s unnecessary nonsense.

i am also wary about previous comments that the boys should carry more than the girls. I do recognise that boys of the same age as girls are probably stronger, especially as they get older, but these activities are about taking personal responsibility and I am not sure if teaching your daughter that she can always rely on men to do the heavy lifting is a positive message.

RawBloomers · 10/05/2025 00:29

I would encourage her to send something along the lines of a laughing emoji and "Nice try! You want to bring heavy shit, you carry heavy shit. More than happy to take my fair share of the communal stuff but I didn't pare everything down to the bare necessities just to damage my back carry someone else's crap."

Up front, clear and making it about everyone having choice and not dumping on others.

Also agree with the idea of contacting the leader about and, maybe, asking if they've done any work with them on what is a safe weight to carry.

Almostwelsh · 10/05/2025 00:33

There does tend to be a bit of redistribution for team efficiency. My son's expedition was all boys, but one of the stronger lads did end up carrying both his own bag and one of another boy who was lagging behind.

Codlingmoths · 10/05/2025 00:38

I’d call the organiser and say I understand they are sharing out the weight between bags. My daughter carefully planned only bringing a minimum to be lightweight, I get they have lots of shared equipment but if they are rebalancing the bags could you please check the girls aren’t bringing lots of makeup and unnecessary things? I don’t want her to come away thinking packing carefully was a waste of time.

Did not occur to any girls when I did it to bring makeup!!

user1473878824 · 10/05/2025 00:41

While I sort of agree with you to a point:
”I read that they should only carry a certain amount of their body weight so have been super selective and spent a lot of money buying lightweight items and researching the lightest possible gear.”

it’s a Duke of Edinburgh bronze award not SAS selection.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/05/2025 00:42

I agree that it needs to be passed up to the organiser.

Your DD shouldnt be the bad guy here just because they think that lipstick is essential.

Send screenshots and ask them to deal with it, making it clear that if there is any suggestion of bullying your DD into carrying their stuff, you will withdraw her from the trip.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/05/2025 00:51

user1473878824 · 10/05/2025 00:41

While I sort of agree with you to a point:
”I read that they should only carry a certain amount of their body weight so have been super selective and spent a lot of money buying lightweight items and researching the lightest possible gear.”

it’s a Duke of Edinburgh bronze award not SAS selection.

Have your kids ever done these treks?

When DD3 did it, we had real issues with weight. She is (at 20) 4' 11" and very slight, so was obviously shorter and slighter at 14. She could only carry so much. So we did have to spend some money simply to make sure she could go within the limitations. I would have been mega pissed off if she had been bullied into going over her allowance because another girl couldnt live without her cosmetics.

Funny though, DS (the next sib to her and her full sib) is built like a rugby player and quite happily helped out some of the others as it didnt bother him. Genetics, go figure.

user1473878824 · 10/05/2025 01:08

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/05/2025 00:51

Have your kids ever done these treks?

When DD3 did it, we had real issues with weight. She is (at 20) 4' 11" and very slight, so was obviously shorter and slighter at 14. She could only carry so much. So we did have to spend some money simply to make sure she could go within the limitations. I would have been mega pissed off if she had been bullied into going over her allowance because another girl couldnt live without her cosmetics.

Funny though, DS (the next sib to her and her full sib) is built like a rugby player and quite happily helped out some of the others as it didnt bother him. Genetics, go figure.

Show quote history

So then yes, people should share the weight around…?

NJLX2021 · 10/05/2025 01:43

Of course you share the load, and carry other people's stuff.

As a kid I did ten tors (multi-day, overnight hike, longer distances than DoE) and every team I was on, at some point changed around bags.

We had a person with a sprained foot, their bag was taken on completely by another stronger member. Team members who were struggling on the second day, often had things removed from their bags and taken over by those who were feeling ok. Often naturally bigger members of the team (often boys) would take on extra weight so that the naturally smaller members could perform as well, because yes obviously 20kg or whatever it was isn't equally difficult for every child.

None of that is a problem. It is all good teamwork. These are team hiking challenges, where the goal is to work and finish as a team - you do what you can to help your team mates.

The only problem I see is that Nothing non-essential should be taken. Their team leader + supervisor should be 100% enforcing that.

If as a team, they decide that the best method for them is to alternate weights of bags, then so be it. if some of them are doing that for tricky reasons, and not genuine need.. that sucks, but when you are forced into working as a team, there is little you can do about it. If you spent extra money on lighter equipment, well done - you've turned your daughter into the group's hero.

Think about how your actions would play in the group dynamics, when your daughter goes to the other members and basically says "Look my mum spent money so I can have an easier time, and I can't share with you". Is that going to help her get a long as part of her team?

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/05/2025 01:49

user1473878824 · 10/05/2025 01:08

So then yes, people should share the weight around…?

Show quote history

No!

If you have a very petite girl who has packed wisely, why the hell should she have to share the weight of taller girls who think that make up is an essential?!

If we were talking about sharing the burdens of tents, water bottles, food etc, I would agree. But this is personal packing, not group survival (which is what a lot of what DOE is about). So if you want to take a kilo in make up or books or art supplies (or whatever), that isnt essential to the group then you should carry it. And also, in an actual survival situation, all non essentials are jetisoned and each member carries to their ability. I suggest you read up on the difference between equity and equality.

A large part of DOE is learning about group survival, as I said, but also about personal choice. My son said that the best bit for him was realising that his choices fell entirely on him. That was when he started to really think about his choices. It did change him and for the better as he was, up until that point, a right fucking arsehole. He would agree with that description.

ETA He offered when he saw that some of his mates had made bad choices, as he could carry it for them. But they learned and didnt do it again, and crucially, they didnt bully him into doing it.

BlondiePortz · 10/05/2025 01:49

If she is old enough to do this she is old enough to work it out herself

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/05/2025 01:59

NJLX2021 · 10/05/2025 01:43

Of course you share the load, and carry other people's stuff.

As a kid I did ten tors (multi-day, overnight hike, longer distances than DoE) and every team I was on, at some point changed around bags.

We had a person with a sprained foot, their bag was taken on completely by another stronger member. Team members who were struggling on the second day, often had things removed from their bags and taken over by those who were feeling ok. Often naturally bigger members of the team (often boys) would take on extra weight so that the naturally smaller members could perform as well, because yes obviously 20kg or whatever it was isn't equally difficult for every child.

None of that is a problem. It is all good teamwork. These are team hiking challenges, where the goal is to work and finish as a team - you do what you can to help your team mates.

The only problem I see is that Nothing non-essential should be taken. Their team leader + supervisor should be 100% enforcing that.

If as a team, they decide that the best method for them is to alternate weights of bags, then so be it. if some of them are doing that for tricky reasons, and not genuine need.. that sucks, but when you are forced into working as a team, there is little you can do about it. If you spent extra money on lighter equipment, well done - you've turned your daughter into the group's hero.

Think about how your actions would play in the group dynamics, when your daughter goes to the other members and basically says "Look my mum spent money so I can have an easier time, and I can't share with you". Is that going to help her get a long as part of her team?

I disagree.

Part of DOE is decision making. Fucking up early on is part of what teaches better decision making later.

Right now they KNOW that they are fucking up so rather than deal with that, they are trying to bully (well actually, ARE bullying) the OP's DD into carrying their stuff for them.

As it is, if one of them does actually sprain an ankle, the OPs DD is better placed to help them with their essentials than she would be if she was carrying a bag full of cosmetics.

We learn through our mistakes, and these girls need to make those mistakes in order to learn rather than expecting someone else to carry the burden for them.

I hate the use of the word "entitled" as it is used now, but I think that this case deserves it.

Tbrh · 10/05/2025 02:01

NJLX2021 · 10/05/2025 01:43

Of course you share the load, and carry other people's stuff.

As a kid I did ten tors (multi-day, overnight hike, longer distances than DoE) and every team I was on, at some point changed around bags.

We had a person with a sprained foot, their bag was taken on completely by another stronger member. Team members who were struggling on the second day, often had things removed from their bags and taken over by those who were feeling ok. Often naturally bigger members of the team (often boys) would take on extra weight so that the naturally smaller members could perform as well, because yes obviously 20kg or whatever it was isn't equally difficult for every child.

None of that is a problem. It is all good teamwork. These are team hiking challenges, where the goal is to work and finish as a team - you do what you can to help your team mates.

The only problem I see is that Nothing non-essential should be taken. Their team leader + supervisor should be 100% enforcing that.

If as a team, they decide that the best method for them is to alternate weights of bags, then so be it. if some of them are doing that for tricky reasons, and not genuine need.. that sucks, but when you are forced into working as a team, there is little you can do about it. If you spent extra money on lighter equipment, well done - you've turned your daughter into the group's hero.

Think about how your actions would play in the group dynamics, when your daughter goes to the other members and basically says "Look my mum spent money so I can have an easier time, and I can't share with you". Is that going to help her get a long as part of her team?

I agree with this. I think the issue really is the girls taking non-essentials like make-up, then expecting someone to carry it for them. Talk about entitled spoilt brats, the communication as well that it had been decided beforehand. By whom? Seems very manipulative and cheeky

Tbrh · 10/05/2025 02:03

@PyongyangKipperbangI think you nailed it, that's what annoyed me about this, it seems like bullying

Shelby2010 · 10/05/2025 02:11

We don’t know that the other girls are packing non-essentials. It may be that they don’t have parents who could afford to buy all new, expensive lightweight equipment. So they are packing the same as your DD but it comes out heavier.