To say no to Daughter carrying someone else’s bag at DofE

[DrSeuss84]

My 14 year old Daughter is about to do bronze Duke of Edinburgh in a weeks time. This is the first time she has done anything like this. She is quite slim and petite for her age.

I read that they should only carry a certain amount of their body weight so have been super selective and spent a lot of money buying lightweight items and researching the lightest possible gear.

At the practice run a lot of girls had much heavier bags. Some were packing skin care and makeup and other non necessities.

she doesn’t know the girls in her group but they all know each other and are an established friendship group.

Tomight she got a message from them saying they had all decided and agreed that they are going to bring a bag weighing device and weigh each bag and whoever has the lightest bag will have to swap bags with someone else on the second day to make it fair.

it was quite a direct message in the tone of “everyone has already agreed and it would be unfair if you say no”

My initial instinct was ‘no way’ Everyone packs what they want but we didn’t worked hard to get your bag light only for you to lug someone else’s bag around for 11 miles!

DD she is worried this will have her outcast from the group and turn them against her making the whole two days uncomfortable and isolating for her.

I don’t know how to tackle this at all. What would you do?

They're just kids, working it out. It's quite possible one of them had the idea that sharing would make it fair and none of them have really thought it through.
I'd just suggest she just message back and say 'Sorry, I'm not keen on that. I'm being very careful with my packing and getting the bag adjusted for my height and weight so I can manage it. I don't think it's a good idea to take someone else's. Obviously I'll take my turn on the communal stuff though!"
If she is petite, then they'll all know that and should understand.

I don't think teamwork really does discourage people to pack light. When they are all knackered and fed up and having to pass around annoying girl's extra bits and pieces, it's just as likely to be one of her close friends that tells her so.

I’d do this! And also speak to the coordinator to ensure they make sure this doesn’t happen!

Absolutely no way I'd allow this for my dd. She might be part of a team, but a ruck sack is personal kit with loads of adjustments if fitted properly

is the group leader in the chat group and is there a chat group that the group leader is in? I wonder if 'anyone" has "misunderstood" the sharing the communal stuff thing? Maybe the group leader could be asked publicly for clarification?

IF any redistribution of the contents of the rucksacks happens, it should be supervised by the group leader, and if anyone is carrying anything stupid it will get left in the car at that point.

This is all what Bronze D of E is about though, really. They will probably pack silly things, have heavy bags, get annoyed with each other, learn from the experience and be much better prepared and thinking as a team by the time they do their Silver.

I remember when I did my bronze we actually brought a cool bag along with us so we could bring cold cooked chicken, smoked salmon bagels and potato salad!! For Silver we went the other way and tried do the whole expedition fuelled by nothing but Supernoodles and Alpen bars. We finally packed sensibly for Gold, wisdom that was hard-won!

It sounds like bullying to me. I would report it to the leader

Seriously 🙄

Urgh. No I wouldn't want to carry someone elses sweaty backpack. You brought her pack specifically to be a good fit for her. It's the whole point that your learn to carefully pack your own bag as you have to carry it.

I'd follow my daughters lead.because it a decision she should be allowed to make

She can ask you to support her in the way she wants if she wants your help.

With dd permission id contact the organiser and relay the message dd got. Any decent leader with emphasis to the group that they carry their own bag

Tbh it sounds like they have spotted dd has a lighter bag and set up and one of them want it

How is that make any sense?! Surely people should choose carefully what to pack and that itself is part of the skill!

Absolutely nothing wrong with you helping her with the lighthearted but firm wording, as she won’t automatically know how to navigate this situation. As an adult I wouldn’t want to swap my bag, let alone carry other people’s heavy unnecessary extras. And standing up for yourself can make you popular too, so she shouldn’t dismay - it’s about how she handles it. Cool, and confident.

Some great suggestions on here re wording already - funny & firm & love the suggestion of a packing list, as it shows she’s helpful.

I would probably add, that she should say, the camping equipment is really heavy, and will be divided up between them, so she wants to keep her bag light & what WILL DEF swing it is saying, that she’s heard they remove what they deem unnecessary extra weight like straighteners & makeup & she wouldn’t want her stuff getting damaged or lost!

This will get the other girls panicking & rethinking their strategy at the thought of losing their precious property.

This

As suggested by others, I'd be encouraging her to say she wants to stick with carrying her own bag but agrees they should share out the carrying of the communal stuff... and then ask if anyone knows if they'd be able to weigh the communal stuff in advance so they can make sure it's fair.

There’s teamwork and there’s taking the piss. When I did it, we were told to pack light and carried our own stuff, heavy or not. The shared equipment was on top of that. If you hadn’t packed light then it was tough! Those who pack light shouldn’t be punished with making up for it with the heavier shared gear. Where’s the justice or sense in that?! I’d be having a word with the group leader about what seems like bullying to me!

OK so I have actually personally done D of E all the way through, at the time I was 5 foot 3 and 6 1/2 stone. (Alas no more)
I’ve had hip problems all my life and I’m convinced it was due to me carrying a trangia and a tent and a litre of meths as well as clothes and food, on those expeditions I did to Snowdon/The Lakes/Peak District etc.
say a very firm ‘no thank you, I will not be doing that.”
we shared out bits of the tent but no nonsense about swapping bags.

My DD had been doing Bronze too. And honestly, by the time they’ve got the very minimum packed, the rucksack already weighs a ton. I never realised before how heavy water was 🤣

She needs to say, “No. I packed my bag and I’m carrying my bag. I’m not carrying anyone else’s bag.”

I suppose if they are sharing out camping equipment it might be fairer to redistribute.

What rubbish! You carry your own bag. Obviously they can take turns of the heavier equipment. My DD packed very light because she doesn't have a major skincare routine or wear makeup. No way would she carry someone else's bag.

Hard and unfair situation for her to find herself in. She needs to be very clear and very firm. "You all go ahead, but I'm going to carry my own bag thanks. Nope I'll stick with my bag thanks. No you go ahead..." It is tough and she (and you) are smart to keep the load as light as possible.

YANBU.
fwiw, when dd did her bronze, the organiser checked overweight bags and removed items such as makeup bags.

Just explained issue to DD and she said, "Whaaaaaat? No way!". She said your DD should just explain she has done her best to pack light so she won't be swapping. "If that don't understand that, that must be stupid."

My daughter did Bronze, Silver and Gold. She is short and packing really was planned to the extreme. Ultimately your daughter needs to navigate this with her group but a quick email to the organiser might be in order. Bags should be their own but both my children have got exasperated with others on D of E and taken on extra weight/equipment or duties just to get the bloody thing done. I’d advocate for her at this point with the organiser but generally the dynamics will sort themselves out naturally during the expedition.

I mean maybe she could pack something heavy for weighing day... and leave it behind

Pack of spuds in the bottom of the bag