I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

OP I agree there are some things that are out of your control:

• can't magic up childcare
• can't make your kids neurotypical
• can't necessarily get school transport (may be worth fighting for but I know it could be a long slog and not guaranteed, so let's assume you won't have it at least for a while)

But some things are in your control:

• you could seek mental health support - there might be a waiting list or you might have to pay, but it will be worth it. The free CBT that's usually offered can be really good for reframing negative thinking and helping you feel calmer and more positive. Most stuff can be online these days.
• you could speak to GP about anxiety medication (and/or consider whether you are perimenopausal). Loads of people take all sorts of medications and drive!

I would actually prioritise the mental health related things, because we can't tell you whether or not you'll ever be able to drive. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. But I think you could get yourself in a place where you feel kinder to yourself and more able to handle the situation whatever happens.

There is always a way to cope. People cope with all sorts of shit. Lots of people can't drive - e.g. due to disability, or they can't afford to run a car. It sounds like you're stuck feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated that you can't see a way out. You'll find a way but I think you need to get some support for yourself. Single parenting is hard. SEN parenting is hard.

This might be impossible for you, but I think there are immersive courses where you spend 40 hours altogether learning to drive over a week.

@ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed Sadly you might have to accept this. Others can. It might be better to look at taxis.

It's not about being thick. If the part of your brain that does spatial awareness doesn't function properly then you'll potentially be a danger to other road users. You can be very intelligent and still have this problem. It took me until I was 45 to drive, but steering and lane discipline weren't the problem - switching to an automatic immediately sorted me out. If this isn't the case for you then I'm not sure what you do next. Are the kids entitled to transport to school from the council?

A lot of people have suggested this, but have you seen Taxi/Uber fares lately? I just did a calculation of how much it would cost to take my children to the beach for the day. An Uber would cost a minimum of £75 and that's just getting there. It would cost another £75 at least getting back. Petrol cost would be around £16. I get that people are trying to be helpful with this suggestion but it's not realistic. And before anyone says I'm spending money on driving lessons, it's an investment. I'm trying to save money in the long run. I want to set up my own business too. That won't be possible for me with being able to drive.

My mental health situation is caused by my not being able to drive. If I could learn that would fix everything.

OP, I’ve read your responses and you’re being abrasive and pessimistic, there’s always a blocker for you.

You've had every type of response, supportive, you can do it, you can’t do it - and to each you have a response which basically says “I can’t drive but I need to”.

You're looking for a magic solution that doesn’t exist. What about your children? Your children will miss out, like lots of kids do in many circumstances. Or you’ll have to pay for expensive taxis. Life isn’t fair and it sucks but what do you expect anyone to say? We can’t pass the test for you. Either keep on and hope for the best or stop and accept the situation.

I also can't just snap out of feeling this way. If I could get over this hurdle then it would stop. Yes, it's pessimistic but that's how I feel due to the situation.

I think you need to let go of the beach thing. If you took that out of the equation and the fact you said you won’t need to take your eldest to school, what are you actually left with? How does your youngest get to school now?

If you really want your children to experience the beach then why not book a weekend away and a have a proper overnight break with them? We live a five minute walk from the beach and it really didn’t figure that much in my kids lives, especially once they got to about ten (they hated getting sand everywhere). The only reason they went when they were teens was to hang out with friends and drink.

Even if I let go of the beach thing, it doesn't get rid of all the other issues. That would be a lot to "let go" of. I need to do this because its getting me down too much. Being able to drive would make me feel better about myself. I'd be able to do so many more things for my children, and for me as well. Right now we are all stuck.

OP if it helps you might be suffering from Amaxophobia (as might I). If you think it does match how you feel maybe you can investigate some help based on that?

I don't think I have that. I'm fine being in a vehicle with somebody else driving. I don't even think it's fear, its more that my brain just stops working and refuses to take any information in. It doesn't happen any other time, just when I get behind a wheel.

It doesn’t mean you have both, it can be one or the other. It can be extreme anxiety when driving (which I had) but fine as a passenger. Or are you saying you don’t fear driving and are not anxious about it when you have a lesson, it’s just not understanding it in the way you wouldn't understand a complex mathematical equation (ie no nerves just not not computing).

I'm not anxious at the start of the lesson. The anxiety starts when I make a mistake. Which always happens pretty early on.

I am 43 and finally started driving 3 years ago. Same reason as you pretty much. I did pass my test at 21 after 5 goes. But didn't drive for 20 years more or less. I just had this extreme anxiety over driving. I actually went on sertaline and that has helped a lot. I still can't do motorways but I can do local trips and that's it. Have you done intensive courses? That might help. Lots of practice all at once. It's the doing it that helps not the lessons imo.

My advice would be (as someone who is not a natural driver):

• Be really clear with yourself and your instructor on the things you find difficult. You've mentioned mirrors and spatial awareness. For mirrors, is it knowing when you have to look, or actually putting it into practice once you're behind the wheel? For spatial awareness - is it vertical or horizontal or both? What strategies can you both come up with to try and tackle? Not all driving instructors are capable of this, but some are, and that is the instructor you need. There is no one solution for learning to drive - it's about tackling the individual components that you struggle with.

• When your brain stops working and refuses to take in more information, you are overwhelmed and this is the point where you need to stop, or do something different. Switch from driving to manoeuvres or vice versa. Take a 5 minute break. It's not giving up, it's recognising that your brain has processed as much as it can for the time being and it needs a rest. You can try again soon.

The other (really obvious) thing I'll mention is that you are really stressed and that is going to leave you less brain space for things like driving and tackling problems.

I don’t think it’s at simple as just learn to drive and the anxiety will be gone - I think there is underlying issues. Plus anxiety starting as soon as you make a minor mistake seems to be the problem. I definitely think you may need to speak to someone and possibly take medication.

I learnt in my 40’s, you need lots & lots of practice. Is there anyone who would take you out just to let you drive around empty areas at night say? Not exactly lessons just for the practice for free. I was able to get out a lot at night & just drive & I relaxed more & gained confidence. But, once I’d passed, I had to make myself drive every day to keep on gaining confidence & it worked! Best of luck you can do it!

Anyone tried Vanera castor oil wraps?

I haven’t read the full thread but I completely relate.

I’ve been doing lessons in an automatic for nearly 2 years and have just got to the point where I’m ready to book a test. I’ve also had my own car and done A LOT of driving in between lessons- hours and hours every week. I dread to think how many hours driving practice I’ve had if you combine lessons and own driving- probably enough for the average person to have passed their test five times or so.

i also have children with special needs so i do wonder whether there’s some sort of correlation there, I have very strong adhd traits and symptoms of dyspraxia although nothing diagnosed. That said, my instructor teaches plenty of people on the mobility scheme with various disabilities so it IS possible.

Some things I’ve found helpful- narrating everything as you drive “I’m checking my mirror and slowing down as the junction nears, indicator on, not clear so I’ll stop, clear now so check left mirror and turn” sort of thing. May not work for you but makes a marked difference for me.

I would also recommend TikTok and YouTube for loads of helpful videos on everything from parking manoeuvre hacks and videos of your local test centre routes.

Please don’t think you’re thick! My family were all very competent so I thought it’d be a breeze, but it’s actually hard; where else in life do you have to do different things with your limbs all at the same time? Playing the drums (I do that too now). I was lucky to have my boyfriend’s car to practice in and did all the time until I stopped thinking about what I was doing and then it becomes naturally. I can now reverse park with eyes closed.

I was not quick to learn to drive - had to retake my theory test as I ran out of time (and this was a time when there wasn't a long waiting list) - partly due to crippling anxiety behind the wheel, but also it took me a while to get a sense of when to change speed approaching junctions, entering roundabouts, changing down gears etc.

A few suggestions which may or may not help:

• go into your driving lessons thinking well I accept I'm not natural at this, let's be pleasantly surprised at what I CAN do rather than beating myself as soon as something goes wrong, ie I handled the last two junctions well etc
• if you have the opportunity sit in cars as a passenger and see what they are doing, almost imagine you are in the driver's seat
• nothing wrong with asking the instructor to drive you as a demo for the above from time to time, might feel like a waste of your time but if it helps develop a driving sense in a low anxiety way it will be worth it
• commentary driving, which will help you articulate thought processes relating to driving, both for you to do when driving and for the instructor / person driving when you are passenger. When my husband and I passed our tests we used to chat through what we were doing for the first few months when we entered motorways or junctions - moving from conscious incompetence to conscious competence to not needing to think about it.

Never heard of that. What is it?

@wehavea2319 I don’t mean to be dismissing but be careful about doing too much driving without the instructor present. You can get into bad habits and who is with you might not notice. Then you waste time correcting something you’ve “practiced” but in fact it was not what’s required for the test. However of course confidence matters.

There's a lovely poster on here called @eyesopenwideawake who could possibly help you. Maybe DM her.