I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

Have you tried a woman instructor? Just to see if there’s a change in dynamic that you might prefer?

I'm looking for one. I've only had male instructors before, I don't know if that will make a difference but we'll see.

Worth a go at least 🤞

No, i have slightly low blood pressure. Typically 95/70.

I found one in my area, but she only teaches manual. I decided to give it a go. I gave her a call and she's booked me in for a lesson next week. What have I got to lose (apart from another 70 quid)?

I knew someone who switched to a female instructor and passed, she said it really helped. Good luck.

See! There you go again with your 'it's not possible', 'can't be done' attitude OP.

What I was hoping for from my post was you to come back and say, 'Oh, I hadn't thought of turning to Citizen's Advice or my MP, for help, I'll do that, but yet again, it's all about what can't be done. I give up!

It's always someone who cannot possibly fathom what it is like to be in this situation who wants to gaslight and blame it on my supposed "attitude". Its not that. It's the SITUATION. Not that you'd understand that of course.

Regarding your wish for evening/early morning /Sunday lessons when the roads are quieter, can you take your children with you in the lesson? Some instructors offer that as an option, especially if the children would be likely to be a distraction in the car after passing the test (i.e. some instructors will accommodate it to ensure that you learn to drive safely with your kids in the back).

i dont mean to sound negative but drivinh a manual is just going to make things more complicated if you cant even get used to basic driving it just adds more things to remember

I struggled tremendously to learn to drive and it’s not a skill that comes easily or naturally to everyone. My worst enemy was my anxiety more than anything. The worst thing you can do it put feelings of shame and embarrassment on yourself (and trust me, I’ve been there). I passed my test a few months ago but I’m still too anxious to drive anywhere but my local village where everywhere is a 20-30 mph zone.

How regular are your lessons? It’s so difficult as they are very expensive but the only way I did it in the end was to have lessons every other day to keep the practice going. It cost a fortune though so I understand how that may not be feasible.

Tbh I hadn't considered that as an option as I always assumed that was illegal. A quick Google search confirmed that it's not, BSM even has a page about it on their website. You learn something new every day.

You're probably right but I thought I'd try something different because what I've been doing hasn't worked. I can't feel any worse than I do already, so what is there to lose.

Two hour lessons twice a week. I don't mind paying for it. I thought I wasn't allowed to bring my children, but apparently some instructors do allow you to and it isn't illegal. So if it comes to it I will enquire about that.

I was doing two hours lessons too.

It helped when I shortened it to 1 hour/1.5 hours but had them more regularly. I found I was at the end of my tether, unable to concentrate and emotionally exhausted/full of shame by the end of the two hours. Then I was full of dread before the start of every lesson too. It was mentally easier to keep going when the lessons were shorter and I was able to concentrate and learn better. I was also under a lot of pressure as I needed to drive to keep my job. Like me, you don’t have the option to give up so just do what you can to alleviate the pressure while you’re learning.

Im also a single mum and it’s such a challenge. If you could find an instructor who will allow your kids in the back then it would be so much easier. Make sure they have a tablet or something to use while you’re in the lesson to minimise distractions.

Yes I think that would be a massive help. I'll have to buy a car seat for my youngest, but that's not a big deal. I'll have to get one anyway (if I ever do manage to pass my test that is).

I agree with this (but didn’t want to say). Most people who struggle go from manual to automatic not the other way round.

Don’t lose heart if you hate manual, just go back to automatic.

Sorry OP, but that's sheer B.S! I would totally understand if you weren't so negative about EVERYTHING, but to read your posts, anyone would think the whole world is against you.

I am 58. I passed my driving test when I was 50.

I needed to transport children, my DGC, that was my driving force.

I had huge problems. I am left handed and I think dyspraxic. My instructor would always notice when I was going to indicate the wrong way. He actually made a note of it for my test. I do know my left and right, but it’s just one of my quirks.You say you feel ‘thick’, I say
I feel a bit ‘mad’. Handedness was just one of
my problems.

I am actually quite intelligent but spatial and cognitive things like driving, just make me feel a bit ‘mad’.

I credit my instructor 100% for my pass.

Find the right instructor, you can do it! It’s just a skill.

I looked at everyone coming and going in the Tesco car park and I thought if they can do it so can I. I still tell myself that, because I still can’t believe they I can now drive.

Good luck and don't give up!

@willowpatternchina and @Ruffpuff you've actually given me some hope. I didn't realise you were allowed to bring children with you, I've looked into it and it seems that some instructors will let you, depending on their insurance. I know my current instructor doesn't, but I should be able to find one who does. That would be a massive help to me as it means I don't have to keep taking breaks during the school holidays. Thank you, this is very helpful ☺️

WOW!! An actual positive!! SEE you can do it OP!

I think it’s likely to be really hard to learn with an instructor only. I have terrible spacial awareness too, when I am on the road the only way I can tell I’m in my lane is I know the spot where the lane lines line up on the front of my car.

im currently teaching my son to drive and he’s driving everywhere. Even 10 min drive to the shops. I really think it’s a case of driving as much as possible.

Are you sure you're not causing some of this by being so hard on yourself, OP?

If you're getting really desperate and panicky about it due to the pressure you could be messing yourself up.

Agree that a week's intensive might help.

Haven't read the full thread, but do you have ADHD? If so, you need to find an instructor who is compatible with that/you. Speaking as as a ADHDer who passed 4th round,thans to her instructor

Adding on that my instructor wasn't specifically qualified but his 4 kids were all either ASD or ADHD or both, and he taught me the way he taught them, and it finally clicked. He was my 5th instructor, snd the only one I ever gelled with