I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

I’ve got ADHD , passed first time, no special instructor. As is my niece , my daughter , you don’t need a special teacher.

Would your kids sit quietly in the back though ? Or would they distract you?
I’ve got ADHD, I could only manage one hour lessons , two hours would have been too much.

Again, you aren't in my situation. Either you haven't read all my posts, or you're just being a narcissistic bully on purpose. I suspect the latter. Either way, I'm not going to respond to you anymore, so keep talking to yourself if you wish.

My eldest I think would be OK, as long as she has her tablet to keep her busy. The youngest tends to enjoy being in a car, so I think she would be fine. She can also watch Bluey on the tablet. But I won't know for sure until I try. So I'll have a look around for instructors tomorrow and see what I can come up with.

That’s a sweeping generalisation. This depends on the individual and how the condition affects them specifically. ADHD can also be comorbid with many other conditions which can add further challenges. That’s like claiming someone with a specific physical disability doesn’t need a wheelchair because you have that condition and you don’t? It doesn’t work that way.

I've never bullied anyone in my life, but you clearly don't like being faced with an honest view point of your behaviour. If you'd read all of MY posts you would see that I actually congratulated you on the first positive response that you made, which was regarding thanking people for suggesting you ask if your kids can sit in the back while you take lessons. You actually said that you would look into it. That's all I've been asking for, for you to do something positive, rather than all the negativity that you'd displayed up until that point.

I truly hope that you can learn to drive OP, in fact, if you lived close to me, I'd happily take you out myself to get some practice.

Its actually harder to learn later in life than it is when younger.

I think you really do need to have a way to practise outside lessons. Time behind the wheel really is the thing that helps most.

What are the areas your instructor says you need to improve to take the test?

Pretty much everything really. Mainly spacial awareness and mirror use. I tend to forget when to check mirrors. But everything is bad really. I know it's harder to learn when you're older. I wish I'd learned when I was younger, but I just gave up. I've had a lifetime of people putting me down and it's affected my confidence quite badly in all areas.

I initially started when I was early 20s and confidence was OK but i had to stop as couldn't afford lessons on my wage.
Over the years I have tried many times with many different instructors and reducing confidence. Some days I'd wake before my lessons and wake in tears because I was so anxious and it was making me ill.

Having the correct instructor is VERY important. When I found my final instructor (who got me through).things seemed much easier to pick up. I finally passed at 36 (passed first time officially). I'm now 53 and I enjoy driving although new places can be a bit stressful (but that's me).

You are a capable woman , you have 2 kids with additional needs that you care for, that's not easy at times. I think you've now built that mental block and I'd suggest asking for recommendations for instructirs who can help but then speak with the instructors and ask how they can help you.

I never thought I'd get there, but I did. Hope it helps to know that other people have struggled and passed. X good luck x

OK.... Well, driving is about a couple of things:

1. Actually physically driving a car is about muscle memory. That's about repetition of the actions and practice. Trust your body and let it learn. Can you do another things that involve muscle memory, like typing or riding a bike? You can certainly walk so you body has learnt things.
2. Driving a car on the road is basically about being able to make a series of decisions as you drive. This involves being able to take the information in that is coming at you. Eg, how fast is that car coming, and do I have time to pull out before it gets to me? That child has stepped into the road. Stop! You say that you panic. This is almost certainly getting in the way of your decision making skills. Before I learnt to drive I rode my bike around London and concentrating on not getting killed helped enormously in making sure I didn't panic. I don't know what you can do to bring this under control because I don't know you, but it is something you need to do.

1. Many instructors don't tell you how to judge things like how to get the right distance from the curb when parking, or how many turns of the wheel you need to reverse round a corner. This is partly because you need to use the car you are in as a measure and this varies according to the make of car. But there are guidelines. One of the most helpful for me was when reversing into a parking space - turn the wheel 2.5 times then straighten out! Also how to tell where the white lines in the middle of the road should be in relation to the bonnet.

I was in my 50s before I started to learn to drive, and my neighbour recommended someone older who specialised in teaching older women. Try and get a match if you can. Ideally someone who has been making a living as a driving instructor for some years.

Good luck.

I'm wondering if you present as "better" at driving than you feel you are, and the instructors haven't pitched the lessons to what you need?

I say this because I had on/off lessons 17-21 then gave up. I tried again when I was 26, I did too well on my first lesson and so my 2nd lesson the instructor decided we'd go up this horrible hill in busy rush hour traffic and it was just a nightmare.

I then got another instructor. I did have the benefit of someone who could take me out in between lessons, which I know isn't an option for you. I failed my 1st test, but something changed in me after that, I just felt I was driving the car and not the other way around. Passed my 2nd test and been driving for 21 years now.

My dad passed his test when he was 56. He'd failed 4 times, my mum passed on her 4th so he stopped lessons as they couldn't afford it.

Is staying with your family and intensive course near them in the summer holidays an option?

In which case, I will suggest a particular type of therapy for overcoming anxiety and fear; Emotional Freedom Techique, or EFT for short. It helps you to confront and dispel your fears. I'm a terrible candidate for therapy etc., really resistant to the idea, but this was how I tackled performance anxiety successfully. It isn't the cheapest, but if it worked it would save you a lot on driving lessons, so you wouldn't be poorer. It seems a bit mad - it is a tapping therapy - but there is a lot of common sense to how it works. With driving you cannot think of everything you do actively - quite a lot has to become fairly automatic, like depressing the clutch for example, or pressing the brake - but when we are anxious or afraid, lots of us seek to control ourselves by thinking about absolutely everything we are doing. If you can be more comfortable with the idea of driving, you will let yourself do some things automatically, or rather with just a moment's thought. And you won't find it so overwhelming. I'm fairly sure from your OP that EFT would be a great help. But I hope you can at least see that you have nothing to be ashamed about.

Thank you for this info, I hadn't heard of this type of therapy before. I'll look into it. Can it be done online?

I don't know if it is, but I can't really see why not. I coach online, so I know about doing things like this through a camera, and I think it is perfectly possible. It will depend on the individual therapists. As long as you could be completely uninterrupted, I'd certainly hope someone was doing it that way. Best of luck!

I posted multiple suggestions from therapy to giving you alternative means of getting around including the suggestion of low wattage vehicles that don’t require a driving licence and could get you to schools and the beach etc as well as something like a cargo bike. I also suggested therapy to get you out of this negative cycle and your answer was that your dc don’t do public transport!!!

Those were not my exact words. I said they don't cope well with public transport. If you've never had to get on a crowded bus, with 2 autistic children, both having a sensory meltdown and people staring, judging and even shouting at you while you are trying to deal with the situation at hand, then I'm very pleased for you.

The idea of having your two children in the back of the car during a lesson when you are already having difficulties sounds ridiculous to me. I could never do that with my dc. Would they be silent for an hour? If not they could easily distract you.

I’m an experienced driver and my dc (sen) are a nightmare in the car. Too much potential for messing around/arguing etc.

It's not going to be an everyday thing. It will only be on days where I can't get childcare. If I do manage to pass then I'll have to drive my children anyway, so may as well get used to them being in the car.

@Nomoreshopping - but they would be there if OP passed her test.

Fair enough. I did mention earlier in the thread that it is hard to drive two sen children to and from two different schools each day and is that a realistic goal?

Depends on the children obviously and how far away the schools are and what times etc but when I had to do it temporarily (my dc did both have a taxi and chaperone eventually) it was hard and I spent hours in the car each day back and fore in rush hour and I wouldn’t do it again!

This was across a city and back again to a neighbouring town. Home for two hours max then back in the car for another round trip.

Has there been no improvement at all?

Also, it would most likely be only 1 child, barring school holidays, and even then my eldest goes to holiday clubs a lot of the time. So most likely will still only be the youngest.

I'd say very little.

@ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed

I think you might have to adjust your life. My BIL took his test 9 times and failed 9 times. Dsis never had lessons. They actually lived a life where dc were limited in their activities. Or they cadged lifts. Difficult for 5 of them. They lived in a city with a bus at the end of the road into the centre. DC definitely missed out but that was what had to happen once Dsis decided she couldn’t be bothered at all. The money you save on running a car will have to be used on taxis.

Personally I would have hated their life but some people just don’t seem to be able to drive. If you cannot get the hang of steering a car after 20 years, I don’t think you are cut out to drive. I do understand your worry though and it will limit your life and that of dc but you might have to accept that is the case.

If it was just me, I could accept it. I can't accept that my children are missing out. So I'll just have to try a different way of learning.